The Daily Pulse 09.30.04

Okay I’ve just woken up at 3 in the morning after falling asleep watching Fox News so I feel really crap and slightly pissed off at missing the O’Reilly Factor. Due to this (and me wanting to catch the repeat of O’Reilly) the following column will be bloody short i.e. plugs and another drama sketch. I promise that next week’s will be better.

No really it will be.

The Plug Section

David Goforth is one of the most intelligent and reasoned wrestling commentators on the Web providing analysis instead of an echo. This week’s column on three things that wrestling does well is no different with a fascinating look at the strengths of wrestling. I particularly liked the sections that lay out the “homosocial” nature of wrestling, especially as his belief that a gay love angle would work neatly coincides with a column I’m working on.

Also if you want more Goforth action then check out Fernadez’s Saturday Night Swindle Sheet, which not only contains more cracking music commentary from Jeff but Mr. Goforth on the Light Night Jukebox. Btw, David is sooo right, Crying by Roy Orbinson is one of the best song’s of all time. Just whatever you do don’t listen to it when you’re getting over somebody (ditto for Are You Loathsome Tonight?)

We all know that Lucard is a genius but my God I didn’t know how much of one! Check out his amazing Daily Pulse as he explains how Nintendo are winning the console war in the long term. It actually makes sense and everything.

Another great Ultimate Marvel News & News by the gin-soaked foursome…and next week I get to try and follow these.

BUGGER!

My delectable co-writer of Across The Pond Floyd Kermode provides us with a engaging and hilarious look at the arcane world of British comics’ fake swearing in Word Up. Brilliant column.

Although its not by us go and read this at over at the Guardian’s website. It’s an extremely informative and interesting set of interviews with a group of gay rights activists/people about how they see the situation regarding gay rights today. An excellent read.

Whilst I’m at it, make sure to check out the Weekly Standard’s homepage for the same sort of objective and impartial analysis that has made its two leading lights Bill Kristol and Fred Barnes such stars on Fox News. Seriously, there are some great little columns in the Daily Standard section that are well worth reading (I’m so subscribing to this when my wages come through).

Okay plugs over, so now for what passes as a column this week:

RAW IS THEOLOGICAL DISCUSSION

Did a God create the world? If so why did he and what principles guided Him? These two questions are what this barred knuckle theological discussion between Hulk Hogan, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin and others attempt to answer.

We start in the middle of the WWE wrestling ring with Mean Gene and Hulk Hogan standing in it.

Mean Gene: Hello Ladies and Gentlemen. I am here with the immortal Hulk Hogan to talk about his upcoming match. Hulk?

Hulk Hogan: Well Mean Gene I’ll give you and the millions of my Hulkamanics my thoughts on my match. You see Mean Gene I was made for a purpose, just like God created the sun to give us light, just like he created the sea to give us drink and just like God created the air so we could breath he created me for a purpose. He gave me these 24-inch pythons, the biggest arms in the world and he revealed to me the three commandments of Hulkamania so that I could fulfil my purpose that I was designed to do and destroy that peon the Rock!

The Rock walks down into the ring and gets a microphone

The Rock: Finally the Rock has come back to New York City!

So Hulk Hogan you want to run your mouth about how God, the Rock’s number one fan created you to defeat the Rock. Is that what you think?

Hulk Hogan: Yeah that’s what I…

The Rock: It doesn’t matter what you think. You see Hulk Hogan the Rock looks at the world and he sees that certain things happen regularly. He sees that at the end of the day the sun goes down, at the beginning of the day the sun goes up and every time you and the Rock square off he kicks your candy ass. You see Hogan, the Rock’s number one fan God himself ordains certain things, He commands that the sun rise and falls, he commands that you loose you hair and He commands that the Rock does Layeth the Smackdowneth on your roody poo, candy ass.

Hulk Hogan: Well brotha I can see where you coming from cause things do happen like the Lord almighty has commanded it for instance each time we square off we see the millions of my Hulkamanics boo you out of the building. Yet there’s in no doubt in my mind that we were born for a purpose and that I was made, that God took a lump of clay and moulded me like a watchmaker designing a watch, to kick your ass.

Jeremy Paxman comes out of the crowd and into the ring

Jeremy Paxman: Yes, it seems to me that you two prima donnas see the pinnacle of God’s creation to be the fact that you two can roll round a wrestling ring in your underwear. You see I see a far more important example of God’s design and that is the universe. The universe is incredibly complicated, so complicated I would need Peter Snow to explain it to you. Now the idea that such an incredible entity could come about by chance, that it could just happen without conscious effort is just absurd.

Hulk Hogan: Look Brotha I know you a pretty smart dude but do not doubt the power of Hulkaman…

Jeremy Paxman: Oh Shut up!

Hulk Hogan and The Rock look at each other and then attack Jeremy Paxman

Stone Cold Steve Austin comes down into the ring

Steve Austin: Now old Stone Cold doesn’t know a lot about the universe but he does know about the world he drinks in. And does Stone Cold Steve Austin see a world designed with each and everything in it having a purpose laid down by God?

The crowd chants What?

E Eh he does not!

Does he see an ordered world with the hand of God making things happening like clockwork?

The crowd chants What?

E Eh he does not!

You know what Ol’ Stone Cold Steve Austin see?

The crowd chants What?

He sees the law of the jungle; he sees bird v bird, animal v animal and human v human all for the sole aim of survival. No God, no divine purpose just every SOB out for themselves! Now if you agree with Stone Cold Steve Austin give Me a Hell Yeah!

Crowd yells “Hell Yeah”

Stone Cold Steve Austin spots Woody Allen criticizing him in the crowd

Steve Austin: (to Allen) What? What? Did you speak? What? Stone Cold could swear he heard you say something. What? Come on son give Stone Cold a piece of your mind!

Woody Allen: I was just going to, sir that you whole appraisal of life is simplistic. I mean yeah, I guess survival is important but there are other things that important in life for example beauty. We can look at things and see that they’re beautiful for example a rainbow, a painting or the 30-something leading ladies I direct as my love interest in my movies even though I am a hundred years old. You see we see these things as beautiful yet this beauty does not help us survive indeed my appreciation of feminine beauty has destroyed my career.

Austin knocks out Woody Allen

Hulk Hogan: Listen brotha, I know you real tough dude and all but answer me this your going round talking about the law of the jungle but answer me this I and my Hulkamanics have vanquished every source of evil in the WWE, we have vanquished Piper, Andre, Savage, the Warrior and Ric Flair. Now how could we have done this without, how could I harness the power of my Hulkamanics to feed my 24-inch pythons the largest arms in the world unless I had not been designed my the Lord himself to do my training, say my prayers and take my vitamins?

Eric Bischoft comes out and decides to punish all three wrestlers by putting them in matches with Kane

See you in seven.

P.S Bush is so going to beat Kerry tonight (fingers crossed)

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