Saturday Evening Post

Hello, I’m Flea. Tiger Woods and his
bad back? Fangol. He is paying for clean-up, as am I. But I refuse to go to
Ireland. 

Winner below and a preview of a PPV you
probably ain’t going to buy! This don’t look good…

Let’s just go, Phil Ochs…

C’mon,
Let’s Go!

TOP STORY

No Mercy, a Smackdown exclusive PPV is
this weekend and appears to bet the latest in a recurring theme of throwing shit
against the wall, watching it slide down and have along term goal of building to
a "dream" WrestleMania match of Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle.
Hmmm where to start. I guess the feelings of sugarcoating the present and
waiting for the long term payoff  remains to me as elusive as sobriety, and
just as pointless and futile. Kurt Angle has gone on record the past month or so
making it clear to anyone who reads or listens that he considers himself and UT
the only "stars" of the Smackdown brand, and therefore they should be
promoted (pushed) as such. UT positioning himself as an albatross of a top dog
comes as surprise to no one, I’m, sure – but Angle’s newfound political
prowess apparently has many scratching their heads, albeit for different
reasons.

No one questions (or should) Angle’s
talent, both in ring ability and in presentation / execution of his angles /
interviews, but he always seem to be put in a position to swim up stream while
his fellow Main Eventers during his rise to super-stardom (HHH, Rock, Austin,
UT) seemed to be merrily rowing their boats downstream, living life’s dream.
To compensate, Angle figuratively "sold out" – throwing his natural
ability as a wrestler and the very real possibility of making wrestling
"wrestling" popular again (basically reinventing a business plagued by
highspots and lack of psychology) out the window to join the ranks of "kill
yourself for the fans to get over" mentality of upper / mid carders like
the Hardyz and Edge and Christian. At least Angle has admitted this – he gave
100%, every night to entertain the fans. Now, an admission like that is all well
and good, but the "gave to entertain" is where Angle went wrong.
At least in his interpretation of what he should be giving fans.

Years ago, instead of stepping up to
the political plate to curtail nonsensical turns, goofy backstage segments and
an overall misuse of his natural character, Angle compensated by turning his
matches into repetitive high risk spot fests as a way of "staying
over" with the fans. Two examples of this off the top of my head – the
King of the Ring brawl with Shane McMahon, where Angle was lucky enough to
escape with a cracked tailbone and Shane was lucky enough to escape alive. I
never cared about Shane risking life and limb (which became his trademark), but
for a World Class athlete and top contender for "future of the
promotion" to choose to be involved in a match with broken glass, head
first botched suplexes and overall meaningless ramifications makes you wonder
what the hell he was thinking. At least I was at the time.

The second, as probably the most
ignorant and insulting match I have ever witnessed occurred on free (FREE) TV
– Angle vs. Benoit, in a cage. The only redeeming quality of this match was
Steve Austin on commentary, in all his heel glory, giving both guys hell for
being so goddamned stupid. Of course, he was talking in an "in
character" way, but I got the vibe that there he was, crippled for life by
a broken neck (not from his doing mind you – blame Owen), watching two of the
best wrestlers in the business perform (in no order of stupidity)

  • Over a dozen, full force land on
    your head and neck Jap style German suplexes, one of which deserving of
    it’s own place on this list
  • A Top of the Cage moonsault by Lucha
    Angle, which missed by a mile, almost causing Angle to fracture his arm, as
    he chickened out at the last minute and put said arm under him to
    "cushion the landing"
  • A Top of the Cage flying headbutt by
    Benoit, which hit, but, because Benoit went to the Dynamite Kid school of
    doing things and be damned the consequences, he didn’t put up and arm, or
    even a hand – which put him on the shelf  (that and TLC – AGAIN on
    free TV) for about a year recovering from neck surgery. In a related
    flashback, I sawr Benoit do that move in WCW once – landed on Jeff
    Jarrett, while Superfly Snuka came from the other way to hit Jarrett with a
    Top of the Cage splash. The only reason I bring that up is because those
    highspots, done on FREE TV, led to JJ missing the pending WCW PPV
    and can’t remember the specifics at the moment, but it shot the booking
    of the PPV Championship match all to hell never even mind. The common
    theme between the two is both Benoit’s cage dives and Angle’s moonsault
    messed up long term booking plans for no good reason.
  • And the coup de grace was early in
    the match – Angle is climbing up the cage, feet on the top rope and Benoit
    tosses Angle with a German suplex, pretty much all the way to the center of
    the ring and positively right on Angle’s head. I couldn’t believe it
    when I sawr it – and not because I was saying "holy shit" more
    because I’m saying "they are doing this on FREE TV and using a move
    like that as a transition, when it (1) could have killed Angle and (2) could
    have been saved as for the Main Event of a PPV, when a belt was on the line.

Okay – I was talking about Austin and
his reaction while on commentary so for the benefit of those not yet use to
tangents, bulletpoints, et al. of my columns, just a brief reiteration (meaning
I cut and paste so you don’t have to scroll) as I was saying – 

The only redeeming quality of this
match was Steve Austin on commentary, in all his heel glory, giving both guys
hell for being so goddamned stupid. Of course, he was talking in an "in
character" way, but I got the vibe that there he was, crippled for life by
a broken neck (not from his doing mind you – blame Owen), watching two of the
best wrestlers in the business perform (in no order of stupidity) a bunch of
ridiculous spots when they could have just as well beat the hell out of each
other or, an even better idea, just shut up and do what the marquee says, Ole.

Which eventually happened, as Angle *
did * manage to come to his senses a couple years later and actually WRESTLED
Benoit and had the best matches of his career, ironically enough.

So now, it’s Fall 2004 and Kurt Angle
has returned to full time wrestling

(after having to take time off again
because of his neck thrice surgically repaired and damaged last time by a
charishot to the head, which made, corroding to both Angles and the doctors, the
"surgically repaired" portion of his neck break yet again, for no good
reason. Hell, I can’t even remember who hit him with the chair, or why. But,
I’m sure he had a good reason for it )

and it’s Kurt Angle, Version Out for
Myself. First order of business is to make sure an already weak Eddy Guerrero
looks like a chump – with Eddy first losing (albeit in two very good matches)
his feud and the belt to JBL… and then tapping clean to Angle at the following
PPV. And then beating an even weaker Eddy 2/3 falls and THEN berating Eddy
after an alleged botched "run in" backstage, to the point where Eddy
physically attacked him. All sources say that Eddy has not dealt with pressure
well over the last few months, and attacking someone like Angle, crippled or
not, is probably not a bright idea (Angle just clamped on a front facelock and
held Eddy prone until the other wrestlers were able to calm both men enough to
send them in opposite directions). Not my idea if fun…

The monkey business with Eddy, so it is
rumored, it only the tip of the iceberg as far as Angle making himself a
political player to little too late, I say. Regardless of which side you take
on the "political maneuvering is ruining the WWE" argument, the most
glaring weakness in either brand is the lack of "new stars" or,
instead of Greener than Grass Monsters appearing every week, wrestlers that have
been around awhile that could use a fresh push, or new direction continue to
succumb to the wishes of "locker room leaders" like Kurt Angle and The
Undertaker. As far as Angle goes, as I typed above, too little, too late – his
time to be assertive and change the wrestling business came and went becoming
a political menace at this point ain’t helping a Soul. Just a Dead Man.

What, you think Kurt isn’t being lead
around by his nose? Has he shown any other trait in the professional ranks as
far as his career is concerned?

NO MERCY ON PPV – this Sunday.
Matches are as follows: 

WWE Champion John Bradshaw Layfield vs.
The Undertaker in a Last Ride match.

What was I saying about a Dead Man?
Well, here he is, in all his glory, in the Main Event, for the Title. Making the
Champion look like a Chumpion. Bradshaw  was a fresh character, with a good
gimmick and had semi-great brawls with Eddy, almost making the belt seemed like
it meant something. For all his respect from his peers, and from a recent poll
on Yahoo declaring UT to be "the most popular"…

"Most Popular" in a Yahoo
contest is like crowing about a rating on Alexa…

Anyway…UT, one would think, should be
the scourge of the PPV audience, the ones that actually PAY to be insulted by
his non-finishes and refusal to job. Now then – last PPV was non-finish, with a
poorly shot angle that sawr the top of a vehicle magically turn to paper. Not
that the angle itself sucked – but the cameras were out of position and exposed
the implied violence in a way not seen since Hacksawr Duggan’s styrofoam
2×4. 

So much for JBL busting his midcard ass
and Eddy attempting blade job suicide in an effort to draw heat…shot to hell
when UT decided he wanted another top run. But not be champ. Nope, doesn’t want
the belt – just wants the booking to work his way so….holy shit – they are
going to build to Angle vs. UT at WM, for the belt…and damned if UT won’t
continue his winning streak and get the strap. Say what you want about HHH, but
at least he has the common political decency to marry into the family, married
to a billionairess, who I find extremely sexy in a "business chick in
power" type of way. Miles ahead of that butterface (everything is okay –
but her face) biker chick of UT’s, who most likely could suck a basketball
through a garden hose, but NO WAY IN HELL you could take a chick like that to
any place that has silverware. As the old saying goes, you can bring a
horticulture, but you have to buy her drinks. 

UT’s personal behavior aside, his
incessant need to be the star culminates in the match on Sunday – UT gets all
the offense, JBL does something cheap and wins…gimmick says "put the
other dude in…a what?…hang on…wow…a HEARSE. Like the guy is dead! I
owned a hearse for about 2 months – greatest bar car I ever had. But, the only
type of chicks that you can pick up in a car like that are usually found walking
around with the skull and horns of a…I forget what kind of animal that was.
But it was in broad daylight. Get this – driving through town, drinking a few
beers with a friend of mine and having a good ol’ time – and we see this chick
walking down the street, about 3pm in the afternoon, with the skull and horns of
a… – a f*cking ANTELOPE! Christ, that’s what is was. So we stop on the next
block, in the hearse and ask what’s doing. She talked about as coherently as we
were listening and rudely informed us that her antelope’s head was for "a
college paper" and no way in hell was she going to ride in a hearse.
Sometimes you have to realize that…let’s just say that I sold the car that
weekend. If it’s too creepy for chick like that, well sometimes you have to know
when a loser has been booked.

UT gets out of doing a clean job once
again, due to the gimmick, and JBL looks even more like a midcarder. Thankfully,
Bradshaw had nothing to lose with this push. It’s a shame that all his great
work with Eddy gets it’s final shovel of dirt. Thank You Undertaker. 

WWE Tag Team Champions Rene Dupree
& Kenzo Suzuki vs. Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam.

Most likely the opener. RVD and
Mysterio will make it worth watching, Dupree is coming along nicely – although I
did read that he is in trouble for doing the "French Dance" thing,
just because it’s "catching on" and might "get people to pop for
him". Yeah – God forbid the guy gets over. The Jap I still have no idea
about, but he looks a little suspicious as far as wrestling ability goes. I
can’t come out and say "he sucks", just because I haven’t seen enough
to judge, but the gang from DVDVR seem to have a good line on him – thumbs down.
I’ll see for myself, I’m sure, because the more these guys suck, the more they
get off on exposing them on live PPV. RVD’s spot blowing and girlie punching is
to be expected, but at least he’s a hoot to watch. Some Jap stiff doing phony
king fu ain’t my idea of fun.

U.S. Champion Booker T vs. John Cena
in the final match of their Best Of Five series.

At least they got the final match part
right. The first of the Best of Five took place on PPV, which was ass backwards
anyway you look at it. One match took place in Australia or something, the
couple I sawr on Smackdown left a lot to be desired. As mentioned before, Book
v. Benoit was great because Benoit was (and still is) great…and Book was
"right there" – at least enough to be carried and look like a star.
Cena still looks horrible, and Booker T just isn’t in a position anymore to
carry someone like that.

I would love to see Booker and Eddy do
something together, either as a team or a feud, if only because it would be
firmly ensconced in the Upper Midcard, Eddy wouldn’t be pressured to get someone
over and Book is more than good enough to keep up. Yep – that would be fun. Cena
and his wigger act can go to hell. He’ll most likely take his belt and feud with
Angle…whatever.

Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show

Still trying to get a Seven Foot Giant
over. You would think that would be a no brainer, but it has never worked. I
forget why, other than they turned him heel to face to heel more times than I
can remember, Show was punished for not staying in shape by working a program
with the late Big Boss Man over his dead father…or maybe that was he got fat
and uglier because he had to WORK that Big Boss Man angle. Who cares – as big as
that motherf*cker is and for him NOT to be over is a disgrace to humanity, and
by default the universe, as no other life forms have been discovered. Or would
f*ck with us anyway. Eh, that was about to turn into a whole ‘nother tangent –
hey why not. 

My daughter and I were watching NOVA (
a high brow PBS show for all you rubes and Hi-Rates) – the topic? The goddamn
creation of Earth. I’ll get to the show and my alleged point in a minute, but
something else first…

PBS lives on Other People’s Money.
Which is why the coolest programming (Elvis and Roy Orbison and Motown concerts,
great science programs and)…I’ll end this part of of the parentheses so you
don’t think I’m some kind of faggot – art programs. THEY watch that. I call
Hyatte or Eric S.  

 – the coolest programming occurs
during the fundraisers. I’m sure you have seen them – great shows, but they do a
telethon for dough rey me. Which is great – I always tithe (that means donate,
heathens) just because everyone has fond memories of PBS, they never fail to
have good programming and it looks real strong when you turn in your tax
deductions.   

But I had to question this program –
science is one thing and God
vs. Evolution
is always interesting, but this show was so goddamn
secular….I had to explain to my daughter the Big Bang was what happened in the
Six Days that were alluded to in Genesis, but not described in detail because
they had to get to the part about the Jews. And Quick. They had a Mel Gibson
movie to make. So, it’s not like I’m trying to * force * the God thing on her –
but I pay good money for her to attend Private (Cathaholic) School…I’d rather
explain God vs. Evolution
than why some punk whips his dick out while some fat chick shows her nipple
ring, while all the time the Teacher is giving everyone top marks so she doesn’t
see the same assholes the next year. 

But why would PBS be so blatantly in
the corner of  "Sagan was right" (even though he didn’t invent
the theory nor discover the "Big Bang", his name conveniently rhymed
with "Pagan"). Long story short, Secularism and the people involved
are not the target audience of PBS fundraising. But luckily enough, religious
folk have short term memories and will most likely let this one slide…after
all – the Catholic Mass has been the same forever (I could recite it in my
sleep), only difference in format is bell ringing. Right Eric?

What I was talking about was Aliens.
The kind described in the PBS program mentioned above – Are We Alone? Big
question, at least that what we were told. I’m hoping that we are – I would be embarrassed
for anyone else to know how nearly 7 billion people choose to rape, murder and
hate rather than live in the Utopia of the only place in the known Universe that
is inhabitable. Which is why I give my money to PBS – I know the chances of them
using the money to buy drugs, gamble or purchase a machete to chop up my family
are slim and none. And Slim left town. 

In other words – God bless Alone, PBS
and Tax Write Offs. Fuck Public School, Aliens and The World. And WWE for making
a Giant into a Jobber. 

Eddie Guerrero vs. Luther Reigns

The less said about this the better.
For those of you that have not  participated in The
Wrestling Dead Pool
, might be a good time to pick…one of these guys. Just
saying. 

Billy Kidman vs. Paul London.

For the obstacles thrown in their way,
Kidman and London are doing a great job with this feud. Turned to quick, thrown
to the wolves, but both stepped up to the plate and have delivered. I’m hoping
they steal the show – Kidman being they rat f*ck looking scumbag in the
wifebeater and cutoff jeans and London being the freak from the Indy scene.
Unless someone says not to, I don’t see how this ain’t the best on the show.
Which means that it will be given five minutes. Man, I hope not, but it’s tough
not to think the worst at this point. Sorry

And that’s the show – I’m guessing
something will happen with the Queer Deliverance angle with Paul E., HEIDENREICH
and Cole, but…I just realized if this was a RAWr PPV, I would be all over the
place, with eventually having to come back to a miscarriage angle involving a
skank, a guy that must have pictures of Vince and HBK, and some green jacked up
freak from OVW that makes me wonder why they just don’t sign Luger and leave me
alone…comfortably spending my money on archives and totally giving up this Monday
/ Thursday / Every Other Sunday bullshit. By the PPV…it could be worse.

HEADLINES

While we are on the topic of GOD, Vince
Russo has opened a website

http://www.vincerussoforgiven.com/

Forgiven of what? Oh yeah – he found
You Know Who. And You Know Who didn’t refuse to JOB for JJ. Or provoke a
profanity laced tirade. Russo is running neck and neck with Paul E. on the Wrestling
Business Hated Scale, with Paul E. still in the lead because he stiffed people
for money. I’m thinking about Asking Tod Gordon about the Three Death Threats
Heyman has against him in the Tri-State area, but his columns are way more fun
to read as a spectator than a participant. I don’t need a smart ass answer when
the answer is…there. Russo?

He found Hey-Soose. And mentioned
several months ago (and maybe on his website) that he has found a Higher Power
(I did too today HUN…hyuck) and he ain’t selling our criticism. Par for the
course and…how about a quote?

You see in my
mid-30’s I was solely responsible for my success. It was all about ME, ME,
ME. I was in TOTAL control and basically invincible. I didn’t need
anybody—my friends, my wife, my kids and certainly not God. God: he was for
those who were weak. He was a crutch for those who couldn’t stand on their
own two feet. I was way above that—I was a giant in the wrestling business.
I was Superman and no one could even tug on my cape.

And, I did
whatever it took.

Whatever glued
those eyeballs to that television set. . . I did it. Sex, violence, drugs,
nudity, homosexuality, transvestites, men beating women, the killing of
household pets, castration, the unnatural love between mother and her son,
demonic worship, demonic sacrifice, blasphemy, degrading the cross, there was
nothing off-limits; the fact was—I was the Anti-Christ of sports
entertainment. Did I know it was wrong? Sure I did. But in an effort to stay
on top, in an effort to please my boss, in an effort to be a “worldly”
success, I simple hid behind the excuse—”I’m not writing this show for
kids”. But the fact was—kids were watching. They were watching and we knew
it—that’s why we were shipping out Stone Cold Steve Austin lollipops by
the truckload every week.

In my heart I knew
it was wrong. You see, my heart wasn’t on the same page as my genius—

 – Russo’s "History" –
go read the rest at  http://www.vincerussoforgiven.com/

 You think the Aliens are going to
understand that we believe in the boogeyman?  

ROLL THE DICE

Several people got offended by Kane
talking about dying in the same arena that Owen Hart plunged to his demise. I didn’t
even notice…although when I see Owen’s name mentioned, I think Austin. And how
much I miss him being around. Outage and Caring is yet another gimmick for said
people that didn’t take off – like "Stephanie’s Boobs"…get offended
for good reasons, not – wow…better not say that. How bout the bright side of a
giveaway!

Rasslin with the uninformed – and A
CONTEST! WIN!

for the history go to THE
BOARDS

and now….

TOP SEVEN REASONS SOMEONE DESERVES
AN AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF NETCOP’S LATEST BOOK

(7) OMY: I want to rewatch the Benoit/
HBK/ HHH match from wrestlemania, but need the star rating to know what to think
of it first.

(6) TORCHSLASHER: Because a shameless
contest like this is the only way to get me out of the friendly confines of
CRZ’s "W" Board to post here.

(5) THE PHENOMINAL ONE: Because I’m
poorer than most mexicans.

(4) LEE: I should win because you’d
have to shell out some extra cash to ship it to England, and the Flea aint
cheap. Right?

(3) HANSEN9J: Because I would like to
learn how to forge his signature, and because I’m too lazy to a) buy the book,
and b) go the two hours to Saskatoon.

(2) DANGER DALE: So I can show it to
Trish Stratus on our date.

(1) KLINGON OPERA: I may only think
I want this book but I’m worth sending it to because I can follow simple f*cking
directions!

Hey! KLINGON OPERA! Winner Winner
Chicken Dinner! Contact me with your name and address a and I will get YOUR
PRIZE out as soon as possible. 

thanks to everyone! more to come!
Netcop writes them and I give them away!

also – Mitch Michaels. Got a nice card
and your winnings going out this weekend. Sorry for the delay, but you could be
getting worked up over the Weather Channel chicks. I know I have – when the
power is on…

PAGE SIX

Surf Pulse, will you? Good stuff all
around…and. You know where. My site

Ryder Fakin: the Presidential debates! 

Ryder Fakin: a Northeastern Prick vs. Wise Ass Hillbilly. that’s us

Hyatte1com signed off at 1:30am

Thanks for reading

FLEA – ryderfakin@yahoo.com