Terminal Velocity- The WWE Velocity Report 10.02.04

OK, so it’s now time for my landmark 5th Velocity report. For once, I’m not tired, so I’ll be able to deliver the most accurate report yet. Or something like that. Anyway, not much to talk about this week, except for the fact that the Red Sox have clinched the Wild Card. Yes, the Red Sox have clinched the wildcard, despite my friend John repeatedly stating “Yankees pwn Red Sox ahahahahaha”. Ah, bandwagoners.

On another note, SmackDown’s gonna be in Boston this Tuesday, but dammit to hell, I wasn’t able to get tickets. Maybe next time. But hey, who cares about SmackDown anyway, when RAW’s got Gene Snitsky, the hottest draw around? IT’S NOT MY FAUULT! ANY MORE QUESTIONS?

WWE Velocity- October 2nd, 2004

-In a nice little technical blunder, halfway through the opening video, an old man and a little kid’s voice break in and start talking.

-We open up not with any pyro, but with Torrie making her entrance, dressed like a race flag. Torrie says there’s no place she’d rather be than Velocity. I seriously doubt that. With her tremendous vocal skills, she introduces Johnny the Bull, who’s set to take on a clean shaven Akio. Nunzio isn’t here at ringside because he’ll be in action against Spike tomorrow night. Except that this was taped on Tuesday, before Nunzio knew he’d be taking on Spike. Eh, who cares.

-Akio vs. Johnny the Bull Stamboli. Lockup, headlock by Akio, shoulderblock by Bull, who jumps around. Leg trip by Bull and he goes right into a side headlock. Akio fights out but Bull kicks him in the ass, and follows through with a big shoulderblock. Johnny goes for the military press, but Akio gets a thumb to the eyes, followed by a spinning heel kick to the back of the head. Foot choking by Akio, who locks on a Camel clutch varient. Bull powers out, but Akio sends him to the corner and hits the flip kick, then a superkick. Akio chokes some more, but walks into a big clothesline by Bull. Both men down now. Back up, Bull connects with some punches, and a short arm clothesline, a back kick, and a knee lift. Into the corner, but Akio hits a neckbreaker from the 2nd rope. Akio comes off the ropes, but Johnny catches him in mid air and turns it into his military-press slam varient for the 3 count in about 6 minutes. Just OK. **1/2.

-During the match, Josh had noted that at No Mercy, Charlie Haas, Rico, and Miss Jackie will take on the Dudleyz and Dawn Marie. Why put those women in there? Damn.

-Tonight, Kenzo and Frenchmen Rene Dupree take on Funaki and Shannon Moore, just one night before they defend their tag titles against RVD and Rey. But up next, we get a recap of Jindrak/Luther vs. Eddie/RVD from SmackDown.

-Last Ride match promo. Oh man, it’s just one night away, I can’t wait! Oh wait, yes, yes I can. Doesn’t matter anyway, I won’t be able to order No Mercy, just like I wasn’t able to order Unforgiven.

-John Cena ad where Cena tells us to vote. Better do it, people. He might just hit his weak-ass finisher on you.

-Back here on Velocity, we segue into SmackDown’s main event. We come into the match right after Eddie hits the triple verts on Jindrak. Of course, goddamn Jindrak goes on to pin Eddie. Seriously- Jindrak is worthless. This leads to Josh n’ Bill hyping Eddie vs. Luther and RVD/Rey vs. Kenzo at No Mercy.

-Backstage, Nunzio and Bull have a little discussion. Apparently, Bull is going to vote for Paris Hilton for president. In a funny bit, as soon as Bull leaves, Nunzio sighs, looks up to the sky, and says, “and that’s my tag team partner.”

-WWE action figures ad. At the end of it, a Goldberg toy is visible. Hey! He’s not dere anymore! LolOlolol!!!!1

-And now, the WWE Slam of the Week: Kidman officially turning heel by laying out London with a chair. Now here comes the Bashams, ready for action. Ah, jobbers are already in the ring. Holy crap, these guy’s names are seriously ‘Dangerous Derek’ and ‘Wild Wayne/Wade’ (can’t figure it out.)

-The Basham Brothers vs. Jobbers. Lockup by WW and Doug. Kick by Doug and a side headlock. Drop toehold by WW, tag to Dangerous, but a tag to Danny, who takes control of the match. Chops by DD, followed by some stompage. Whip to the ropes, DD reverses with a kick, but Danny clotheslines him and tags in Doug. Double team kick, and some more chops to DD. Tag to Danny, DD gets hung up on the ropes. Danny with a side neckvice on DD. DD fights out, but is stopped and Doug gets tagged in. DD and Doug trade some punches, but Doug connects with a side Russian legsweep and then stomps away and knocks WW off the apron, allowing the Bashams to double team. Danny into the ring now, choking DD. DD starts to fight back, but walks into a back suplex. 1, 2, and WW breaks up the pin attempt. DD once again begins to fight out, and reverses a sleeper into a jawbreaker. He manages to make a tag to WW, but at the same time he gets knocked to the outside. WW charges right into the ring and immediately gets hit by a running leg lariat by Doug, who goes for the pin. 1, 2, and Doug breaks his own pin attempt and tags in Danny. The Bashams proceed to hit a double-chokeslam like move (think Kronik’s old finisher) for the 3 count. Josh notes that the Bashams are ready to make a run for the tag titles. *. Meaningless squash that was boring.

-Up next, we get to see what happened on SD between Taker, JBL, and OJ.

-Back here on SD, the WWE rewind: Taker killing Gangrel and Viscera last week on SD.

-Now we go back to Thursday, as JBL destroys Hardcore Holly. JBL runs his mouth on the mic after the match, leading to Taker appearing on the ‘Tron. He states that it started out with 4, and now there’s just 1″¦. He motions to the arena, and well, here’s Orlando hanging on the ol’ Taker symbol. At least when it happened to Austin, it didn’t look like he was friggin’ dead.

-Bill n’ Josh further hype the card for No Mercy: The Last Ride match, Kidman/London, Cena/Booker, and Angle/Show.

-But what ho, up next is Funaki/Shannon vs. the tag champs.

-Carlito promo, this one combining all past promos. Remember, CCC is coming, this Thursday.

-WMXXI ticket sale recap. Tickets sold out in less than one minute. We get a bunch of morons mugging to the camera with their tickets.

-Here come Rene and Kenzo. Hiroko now has French and Japanese flags in her hair. Nice touch. Rene has the mic, and starts speaking in French to a huge chorus of ‘USA’. He then begins to talk about the match he and Kenzo are in tomorrow night at NM. According to him, he and Kenzo are the perfect role models. Rene then states that Rey wears a mask because he’s not as good looking as Rene. Oh man, that was so stupid it was funny. Now Kenzo has the mic, and he professes his love for the USA. Holy shit, then he starts dancing as he sings a horrible version of ‘Living in America’. This little exhibition is cut off by the entrance of Shannon and Funaki.

-Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki vs. Shannon Moore and Funaki, non title match. Shannon and Kenzo to start off. Kenzo says that he wants Funaki, so Shannon obliges. ‘Cuz they’re both Japanese, see. Some stalling here. Kenzo motions for a handshake, but tries to pull a fast one with a kick that’s reversed by Funaki. Funaki starts lighting Kenzo up. Cross body by Funaki, followed by some arm drags, but Kenzo takes him down and tags in Rene. Arm drag to Rene by ‘Naki, quick little transaction between the two, and Funaki comes out on top, tag to Shannon. Shannon gets a 2 count following a springboard move. Tag to Funaki, who gets hit by a clothesline. Tag to Kenzo, who hits some chest chops. Hard whip to the corner. Kenzo starts stomping away, and nails Funaki with a bodyslam. What a complicated move. Tag to Rene. Snapmare by Kenzo and a necksnap by Rene who stomps away and hits a body slam of his own before following through with the French Tickler and a falling headbutt for 2. Funaki connects with an Enziguri and makes the tag to Shannon who takes out Dupree and Kenzo. Shannon does the French Tickler and gets a sidekick from the 2nd rope for 2. Shannon with a cross body for 2. My tv goes out for a second, when it comes back Funaki is knocked outta the ring and Rene whips Shannon into Kenzo’s Face-Clutch STO for the Tres. Damn, this match sucked. *1/4.

-Since this match ended at 11:52, there must be more to Velocity, right? Josh says that when we come back there’ll be a special preview of No Mercy. Oooh, goody.

-Eddie Guerrero DVD ad.

-Back on Velocity, Bill n’ Josh rundown the No Mercy card and remind us that it’s tomorrow night.

-We end with the same No Mercy video that was showed after SD.

My Thoughts: Eh. OK, I guess. I know may people probably didn’t tune into the last half because of the season premiere of SNL, but it’s not like they missed anything good. With talks of TNA Impact moving to compete with Velocity, WWE better step up and make Velocity more than a boring match jobber fest. Or something like that.