The Saturday Swindle Sheet #63

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Agent Provocateur, a lingerie company out of the UK. I can’t stress enough how superior this company is in marketing to Victoria’s Secret, so check it out for yourself, starting with this.

I don’t really know what the f*ck you’re talking about. Widro once asked me if you had a legit learning disability. I thought it was a joke but I’m starting to think he was serious.

Elliot Smilowitz told me to keep on mentioning him in my columns, so let me just say that the world is a much better place now that 50 Cent looks like Elliot Smilowitz.

THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 5 of 16)
Depeche Mode, “Photographic”

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Read them all. They each have some sort of therapeutic value…

Bootleg – relieves gas, bloating

Mathboogie – the strongest allergy medication you can find without a prescription

D’Estroyer – will take care of that nasty itch that you won’t admit you have

Gloom Gloom – the number one over-the-counter acid reflux relief

Gordi – 99.9% effective in preventing conception, does not protect against STDs

NEWS TO USE

New Act Travel, Santa Monica-based travel agency, has filed a lawsuit against Courtney Love, claiming that she owes them $50,000 for airline tickets that she failed to pay for. Love apparently ordered tickets and hotel reservations for herself and several others last year, authorizing a sale to her credit card. However, she soon thereafter canceled the authorization and sent personal checks to the company instead. One of the checks was from an inactive account, and the second was canceled by Love soon after she wrote it. In an EXCLUSIVE interview with The Saturday Swindle Sheet, Love said, “I realized that $50,000 is a lot for travel expenses, so I withdrew from the deal. Plus, think about it… $50,000 could buy a lot of Vicodin… er… um, I mean, cheese.”

Former Smashing Pumpkins/Zwan frontman Billy Corgan has apparently finished recording all of the material for his upcoming solo debut, which he says will be released sometime next spring. According to Corgan, “We are now in the mixing stage for the next three weeks … I am very excited about the album as I feel I have created something relatively fresh and vibrant and exciting to my ears. I know that I like it and that makes me smile. Now, if it doesn’t sell at least 1,000,000 copies in the first week, I will throw a shit fit and blame everyone who helped me make the album, just like I did with Zwan.”

Toni Braxton has agreed to star in a sitcom for the WB Channel. The show, which will probably be called either The Toni Braxton Show, or Toni, will be based on her own life as a singer who has to balance her career with her family. It will also feature Elliot Smilowitz, who will play the adopted son of Toni Braxton whose EMO way of life creates a comedic field of contrast with the contemporary black family. The Saturday Swindle Sheet was able to acquire an EXCLUSIVE script from the series…

Toni: (walking into the kitchen) Who left this CD in my Escalade?
Elliot: Hey Mom, that’s Brand New, they are awesome.
Toni’s Husband: The Brand who…?
Elliot: New.
Toni: Who?
Elliot: New.
Toni’s Kid: Who knew what?
Elliot: Shut the hell up, if I weren’t adopted I would have drowned you in the toilet years ago.
Toni: What kind of music is this Brand New?
Elliot: It is EMO. (zoom in on Elliot’s face)
Toni: What is EMO?
Toni’s Kid: Who?
Elliot: What the f*ck is your problem, you little shit? Don’t you realize that this whole family hates you? You’re not cute, you’re not funny, and you smell bad. Oh yeah, and your teacher thinks you’re dumb, too. And all of your friends hate you. They just pretend to like you because your mommy is famous. Shit, even the dog thinks you suck. Why do you think he never humps your leg?
Toni: You go, girl!

Nickelodeon has signed a deal with BMG to start its own record label. The new Nickelodeon imprint will feature soundtracks from shows like Dora the Explorer, as well as SpongeBob SquarePants, for those of you who wanted a SpongeBob SquarePants CD to go along with your SpongeBob SquarePants t-shirt, SpongeBob SquarePants Pop Tarts, SpongeBob SquarePants Pez dispenser, SpongeBob SquarePants Cheez-Its, SpongeBob SquarePants boxer shorts, SpongeBob SquarePants action figures, SpongeBob SquarePants umbrella, SpongeBob SquarePants disposable camera, SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain, SpongeBob SquarePants-shaped Kleenex box, SpongeBob SquarePants fruit snacks, and SpongeBob SquarePants Elliot Smilowitz.

A U.S. District Judge ordered the FBI to release secret government documents containing information about the late John Lennon’s donations to a liberal group which was going to cause a ruckus at the 1972 Republican National Convention. The documents will be turned over to Jonathan Wiener, a professor at the University of California, Irvine, who has been trying to acquire them for research relating to a book series that he has written about Lennon. Wiener has had an ongoing lawsuit against the U.S. government since 1983, claiming that he has a right to see the files under the Freedom of Information Act. He had already received some of the classified files as part of a 1997 settlement, after which time he wrote his second book, called Gimme Some Truth: The John Lennon FBI Files. He will no doubt release another book after having read all of the rest of the files, a book which I will not give two shits and/or a rat’s ass about.

BITS ‘N’ PIECES

Beyoncé tore her right hamstring whilst rehearsing a dance routine with Destiny’s Child on Tuesday in Los Angeles. The group was practicing for an upcoming TV special, but the injury could possibly delay the performance, as well as some of their other plans. She is still able to walk, but has been directed by her physician to avoid jumping, dancing, or f*cking for at least a week. Jay-Z is said to be devastated.

Alanis Morissette has canceled her scheduled concert in Jakarta on Sunday, citing the threat of terrorist attacks in the wake of a recent suicide bombing in the Indonesian capital. In a related story, 50 Cent still looks like Elliot Smilowitz.

Randy Travis has been given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, right between Max Factor and Laszlo Panaflex. This just in… the Laszlo Panaflex star has been replaced with Elliot Smilowitz. This is because the Department of Homeland Security is staking out the Hollywood Walk of Fame and will take Elliot into custody the first time he goes to visit his star, which he will no doubt want to do. Don’t do it, Elliot! It’s a trap! A dirty rotten godforsaken trap!

55-year-old musician Billy Joel married his fiancée, Kate Lee, who happens to be 32 years his junior, on Saturday. The two had been dating since last year. In a related story, Christie Brinkley is said to still be hot, even though she’s my mom’s age.

The Repugnant Cunt will perform the theme song for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. The movie soundtrack will also feature songs from Ween, The Shins, and Motörhead. The Repugnant Cunt and Motörhead on the same CD? Even if you don’t live near Chicago, but if you listen hard enough, you can still actually hear my head exploding.

THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX

This week’s featured contributor is Inside Pulse Music’s own Trevor Presiloski?

Ok, I was going to put together the penultimate Late Night Jukebox collection and craft an absolutely perfect mix for you all to enjoy, but fate, being the fickle bitch that she is, decided to throw me a curveball and completely nuke my computer. Hence, a good chunk of my mp3s are unavailable, and while I’d like to kick it old school and create a MIX TAPE, I really can’t do that for y’all. So, instead I will give you some of the best songs I have used to fall asleep to. I take no responsibility for any screwed up musical flows that might occur if you listen to this listing in the order it’s presented. And why the hell do I feel like John Cusack circa High Fidelity all of a sudden…? Anyways, here’s my contribution to the Late Night Jukebox

Matthew Good, “Near Fantastica”
This is a guy that a lot of you American readers probably don’t know about. Mr. Good is a fairly well established Canadian singer/songwriter, who has done quite a bit for himself up North. This track, off of his album Avalanche features a quote from the Frank Herbert novel Dune and is a good way to kick off a sleep mix. The multi-layered guitars create a relaxing feel, although the entire song isn’t a snoozefest; there’s rock out parts contained therein. This track is also about 8 minutes long, so it’s a good way of easing yourself into sleepytime.

Christopher O’Riley, “Fake Plastic Trees”
Taken from his album of Radiohead covers, True Love Waits. Christopher is a very talented classical pianist, and if you haven’t checked out this particular album, you’re missing out on a treat. Material from Amnesiac all the way back to Pablo Honey is covered on this disc of relaxing piano tunes. I really, really like his version of ‘Fake Plastic Trees’, although I could’ve gone for ‘Thinking About You’ in a New York minute. I believe he’s also touring, as he played Calgary about a month ago.

Orbital, “Halcyon On & On”
This is probably the oddest choice on here, as this is a tune culled from the Hackers OST, and is a techno/electronica/whatever tune on top of that…not something I normally listen to. However, I love this track and the repetition you can find on it, and it’s another perfectly soothing little ditty. Another long monster, as well, I think clocking in around 10 or 11 minutes.

Smashing Pumpkins, “Mellon Collie &The Infinite Sadness”
No, not the entire goddamned album. I’m talking about the very first track you here on the first disc. A cute little piano number that’s 100% instrumental and short in and of itself. Most of you kids out there are probably familiar with the Pumpkins, so I don’t think I need to wax too much on this particular track. Still, another good, short little number to be listening to.

Green Day, “Last Ride In”
Now some of you are probably scratching your head as to what the hell a Green Day track is going on here, and not their most obvious ‘slow’ number, ‘Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)’. This often forgotten about track is an instrumental ditty off of their Nimrod album and features their foray into ‘surf rock’. Another relaxing number that’s really not all that complicated or loud, that also has a little dash of the crashing surf thrown in for good measure.

David Bowie, “Slow Burn”
This is off of The Duke’s album Heathen and is a track I just happen to f*cking love. I don’t know why, but it all comes together into a nice little sad tune that conjures up powerful mental imagery whenever I listen to it. Probably not the best thing to be listening to when you’re trying to get to sleep (after all, who wants to be kept up all night thinking about stuff?) but it’s a track I myself happen to enjoy immensely.

Hawksley Workman, “Baby This Night”
Mr. Workman, a forever favourite of mine, for those of you who used to read Sunday Bloody Sunday. This track is off of his debut album, For Him & The Girls and is just a beautiful little track. I’m probably risking losing what little masculinity I have left here by giving a huge thumbs up to what is essentially a LOVE SONG, but fellas, play this track for your girlfriend sometime and see if she doesn’t just turn into mushy little pieces over it.

Jeff Buckley, “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over”
And to make this a Meg Ryan away from turning the Jukebox into a romantic comedy, I present to you Jeff Buckley’s little tune that’s probably been overdone, overplayed and overutilized since his death, but is a track I myself can’t find myself wanting to include. Another really good tune to play for those of you with the ladyfriends out there. And hey, at least it wasn’t ‘Hallelujah’ or ‘Last Goodbye’, which are far more cliched Buckley tunes to be using.

Tea Party, “Emerald”
A tune I had to include somewhere, I just wasn’t sure where to stick this track, so I had it finish off the ‘lovey dovey’ tracks. This is from their ‘industrial’ album, Transmission and is one of the closing tracks.

Sarah Slean, “Elliot”
Another, last track that I had to include because I didn’t know where else to toss it. Another slow piano inspired piece that I happen to really enjoy. Ms. Slean also has a new album out that’s worth checking out. Day One would be the name of it.

And that would be my contribution to the Late Night Jukebox. Hope you all enjoy!

Thanks to Trevor for taking a crack at the Jukebox and making us all wish that The Minority Report would reunite one more time to help raise money for clubfoot or harelip or some other random infirmity. You can send your questions and/or comments relating to this list to Trevor at trevor@insidepulse.com

FROM THE LABELS

The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has some tour dates for the Brian Wilson tour, in which he is supporting his new album, Smile

10/04/04 Michigan Theatre Ann Arbor, MI
10/06/04 Massey Hall Toronto, ONT
10/07/04 Music Hall Cleveland, OH
10/08/04 Keswick Theatre Philadelphia, PA
10/10/04 Warner Theatre Washington, DC
10/12/04 Carnegie Hall New York, NY
10/13/04 Carnegie Hall New York, NY
10/14/04 The Orpheum Theatre Boston, MA
10/16/04 Chastain Park Amphitheatre Atlanta, GA
10/18/04 Knight Center for the Performing Arts Melbourne, FL
10/20/04 Mizner Amphitheatre Boca Raton, FL
10/21/04 Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center Tampa, FL
10/23/04 Verizon Wireless Theatre Houston, TX
10/24/04 The Backyard Austin, TX
10/25/04 Nokia Theatre at Grand Prairie Dallas, TX
10/27/04 Paramount Theatre Denver, CO
10/29/04 Pala Events Center Pala, CA
10/31/04 Dodge Theatre Phoenix, AZ
11/02/04 Walt Disney Concert Hall Los Angeles, CA
11/03/04 Walt Disney Concert Hall Los Angeles, CA

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS

http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

INFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…

Wang Chung, “Dance Hall Days”
Pulp, “Weeds II (The Origin of the Species)”
Cee-Lo, “Bass Head Jazz”
Richard C. Sanders, “Afrocat”
KMFDM, “Sex on the Flag”
Arrested Development, “Tennessee”
Underworld, “Bruce Lee” (Micronauts Mx)
Deftones, “Good Morning Beautiful”
Del the Funky Homosapien, “Boo Boo Heads”
Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band, “Hollywood Nights”
Type O Negative, “Die with Me”
Toadies, “Jigsaw Girl”
Control Machete, “Esperanza”
The Dirtbombs, “Chains of Love”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Parents have been warned to be aware of a self-proclaimed “white power” record label based in Minneapolis that has purchased bulk mailing lists and has been sending out samplers to teens nationwide. Panzerfaust Records (named for a Nazi anti-tank weapon) spokesman Brian Calvert said, “Obviously there’s a message behind the music, and the message is one that we’re also interested in marketing as well.” The label has pressed over 100,000 copies of its “pro-white sampler CD” and as part of a campaign called Project Schoolyard USA, is distributing them via mail, as well as at skate parks, gun shows, and flea markets. You know, where all the cool kids hang out.

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ve got the Sword of Damocles dangling over my head!

Cheers
-JF2k4!