Confessions Of A Remote Hog: The Tears Of A Millionaire

“I think I was robbed…”

Shut up….

“Everybody in that room thought The Apprentice was going to win…”

Come on man, just shut up…

…as you know, the viewership was down for the Emmys. I really feel like they lost credibility.”

Man, why won’t you just shut up. OK, OK, at least say something gracious about the show that did win….

“[The Amazing Race is] an okay show that doesn’t do nearly the ratings [The Apprentice does], and that doesn’t have the acclaim.”

Oh boy…

So if you haven’t yet figured out who was responsible for this annoying, self serving, and extremely whiny exchange on Access Hollywood recently, I’ll clue you in. Bad haircut, awkward phrasings and a mega-egomaniacal personality disorder of some sort. Yep, I am talking about Mr. Donald Trump AKA The Donald.

Hasn’t America have enough of this bloated windbag yet?

Well, I guess he doesn’t think so.

Before I continue I want to make this clear. The Apprentice is a good show. Not great, in my opinion, but good. Yet, looking back at the first season of The Apprentice, this show’s quality had little to do with The Donald. The greatest moments on the show, Omarosa and Erika’s “pot calling the kettle black” conflict, Nick and Ami, and Sam sleeping on the floor didn’t involve The Donald at all. Even the best moments in The Boardroom seemed to have more to do with the cast and George and Carolyn then with The Donald himself. This show works because of the cast, Mark Burnett, and one heck of a production crew who manages to turn New York into as much of an exotic locale as they do with the Survivor locations. For these reasons The Apprentice is good.

Yet, in my opinion, this show doesn’t nearly have the suspense and intrigue as shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race. I’ll admit it, when it comes to Survivor I am a strategy junky. That’s what hooked me to reality shows in the first place. It’s like a drug to me, keeping me awake at night figuring out where so-and-so went wrong or what so-and-so could do to keep themselves in the game. Yet, The Apprentice has never kept me awake at night, because in the end, ‘The Apprentice’ strategy always comes down to how well you kiss up to a bloated windbag.

I have this picture in my head of Trump as Mr. Burns from the Simpson’s holding a dollar bill over Homer’s head saying, “dance monkey, dance.” Yet, while the Simpson’s does this as a clever satire on issues facing this nation, in Trump’s world, this is reality. Trump is using his money as an ego trip to get monkeys to dance.

Now, I don’t mean this as a way to belittle the contestants on the show, just Trump and his fellow millionaire egotists who take on this new subgenre in reality shows. Branson, Cuban and Trump, they are all a bunch of pompous rich a-holes who think money makes them superior. It all about numbers to them. Their large bank accounts give them the right to have people jump off cliffs for them or develop flavors of ice cream for the ultimate egotist to stamp his name on.

Which brings me back to this quote… “[The Amazing Race is] an okay show that doesn’t do nearly the ratings [The Apprentice does], and that doesn’t have the acclaim.”

For someone who has supposedly mastered the genre, he doesn’t seem to understand television at all. Yes, maybe having bigger numbers in your bank account makes you the better multimillionaire, but in television ratings rarely mean quality. The Emmy’s are not about ratings, that’s why we have The People’s Choice Awards. They are supposed to be about quality. Look at the Emmy’s this year. HBO dominated. HBO doesn’t nearly get the same ratings as network TV., yet they tend to get most of the acclaim. Go figure.

Now, I am not going to try to argue that The Amazing Race is more deserved of the Emmy. To me they are, but admittedly The Amazing Race is my favorite reality show on TV, so I come with a bias. Yet, his attempt to demean The Academy and the devalue the Emmy as an award because he lost it is just crazy. Especially when his basis for knowing who was more deserved was based on ratings and probably a bunch of yes men blowing smoke up his ass, ummm… I mean acclaim.

So, I have an idea for a new reality show (Once again, network execs MY IDEA!). How about we get some down to earth, gruff, non-multi-millionaire, like let’s say Rudy from Survivor, and have him take a bunch or rich, spoiled millionaire heirs and make them perform stunts and challenges. Have them live in a real house, on a budget. Force them to do all their clothes shopping at thrift stores. Have them volunteer with needy kids, the mentally handicapped and the elderly. The big prize in the end, the respect of the nation. This I would watch, especially if some of the girls were hot.

Now, if you thought that Trump was too busy crying about his loss at the Emmy’s to further promote himself, well sorry bucko, you’re wrong.

Recently, Trump revealed a new doll in his likeness. Yep, now you can have your own The Donald action figure. If, for some odd reason, you really need to see what it looks like you can check out the picture here. Now, if they really want this to succeed, let me give little bit of marketing advise for this product to really take off. Along with The Donald doll, include a doll of Dr. Jong Lee, the sadistic Taiwanese torturer from Alias. Along with this provide various clamps, hypodermic needles, acid, saws and knives. The best part about this is that after the consumer gets done torturing The Donald, he’ll need to go out and buy a new one. Repeat business, man.

The Hollywood Reporter. reports that The Donald is in negotiation with NBC for a dramatic series based on the lives of the people living in The Trump Tower, tentatively titled “The Tower.” Yeah, that sounds good. Sort of like 9021-blows. Hopefully, Trump will not be a significant character in this show. Although maybe the occasional cameo as the “Tower” doorman would be nice.

And lastly, for those people who are either wealthy or hoping to be someday, you’re in luck. The newest Trump magazine will be hitting newsstands soon, with the cast of The Apprentice on the cover. I imagine we’ll be seeing tips on how to go $900 million dollars in debt, then work your way out of it, divorce tips, how to date well above your looks, and the art of self promotion. The only shock for me is that this publication hasn’t happened sooner.

Now to close things out this week, I don’t really think The Donald is a bad guy. He’s probably a great personality. I don’t know the guy. It’s just when I see a multimillionaire whining about losing then Emmy’s just gets my goat. Yep, I said my goat. Trump is doing really well, and America has embraced him. But, America is fickle and they are not going to embrace someone who is so well off crying about a little statue. If you want the Emmy, make you show better, don’t attack your competition or the institution that Awards them. My mother used to always tell me, if you know you are the best, you don’t need to keep bringing it up, but you do need to keep proving it. If you want to be the best Donald, shut up and prove it.