Man, I’ve no idea what this column is going to be about. Honestly for a hot second I was going to do my “Sensitive Ass Mathan Pours His Heart Out To A Girl Through Songs” column, but then I realized that I would be opening myself up to ridicule by my readers, but mostly to my fellow InsidePulse columnists. I just don’t know if I’m ready to lay myself bare like that.
Thus I present to the column that you’ve really been longing for;
Mathan, Defined Through R. Kelly Song Titles.
I Can’t Sleep Baby
It’s not so much that I can’t, it’s that I have odd hours of sleeping. For almost a year now I’ve been pretty much nocturnal. I usually go to bed between 4am and 7am. In January of 2003 I sunk unto a pretty deep depression and didn’t sleep much. Over time my body just adapted to staying up late. It’s kind of cool because for a span of about six months I saw every sunrise. It would have been really romantic but”¦
Home Alone
I’m alone. I’m not actually home alone, I have a roommate. But I have decided to chill on dating for a year. I figured “everyone comes to Vegas to be wild, so I’ll actually reign it in. Who comes to Las Vegas and becomes celibate?” Clearly I’ve been channeling my attention to other efforts.
I think my best friend Jason summed it up perfectly when he said “Man, I feel sorry for that girl.” Which brings up an interesting point”¦
Feelin’ On Yo Booty
Since I’ve arrived in Las Vegas I’ve discovered that I really dig booty. I wasn’t really aware of it before, but the lack of booty is one of the most distressing differences between Las Vegas and Baltimore.
It certainly has to do with how image conscious women are out here. They are so concerned with being slim that they lose some assets. Of course cleavage is plentiful here, but it lacks the charm of a nice booty. There is just something comforting about booty. That’s one of the physical things I look for in a”¦
Homie Lover Friend
That is the path that I usually take with women. I start out as a friend. I’m not one of those guys who is overly aggressive (we used to say they used “caveman tactics”) to try to get a girl. That’s not my style. I don’t like hitting on women or playing “the game.”
I hang out with a girl, listen to her and we become friends. Then things advance, we do our thing, and when it ends it’s usually on good terms. Regardless of how it ends we always end up friends in the long run. I’ve still got ex girlfriends who call me for advice or to discuss the mundane aspects of their life. But as long as it shows up on their long distance bill I have no problem providing an ear. It’s usually about their current boyfriend which is kind of ironic because”¦
Somebody’s Girl
I have actively tried to take a girl away from her man. There was a point when I was younger that I thought it was such a great thrill. My rationale was that if their relationship was rock solid I wouldn’t be able to get between them; therefore I was actually doing a service for their relationship. Ah, the folly of youth or more specifically three years ago.
I also didn’t have a problem with sharing. The boyfriend had to do all the responsible things and all I had to do was just be better than him in a few areas (I’m notoriously lazy.) But there was one important rule”¦
Down Low
It had to be on the down low. Nobody wants an ugly scene. Not to mention I did a lot of dirt at work. Even if they were single it still had to be on the down low. I’ve had coworkers who became girlfriends and still kept it on the low.
My main reason for that was because I didn’t need other people up in the biz. Working in a restaurant, salt is plentiful, and not just on the table. Guys will hate, girls will hate. But if no one is in the know, things are much easier to deal with. Plus I was the host who was hooking her section up with all the big spenders. But I’ve done worse”¦
Bad Man
I don’t think of myself as bad. I prefer to think of myself as an instrument of karma. For instance at that same job, white coworker were fond of using “ghetto” when they meant “Black.” That irked me, to say the least.
So I made a mental note of who made those remarks, and they were seated with predominately Black guests at their tables. The servers didn’t give good service, not expecting good tips. The guests not getting good service didn’t leave good tips. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy that was lined up by me. Does that make me a “bad man?” Probably to some people, but it was worth it to me. However by views may be a tad skewed because”¦
Bump N’ Grind
Like the song says “I don’t see nothing wrong”¦” It’s true. While I’m currently celibate I have no problem with flings. I think that two folks can indulge in a pleasurable act without feelings getting entwined.
It is odd because some of the best relationships have come from things that began as flings or one night stands. The reason for that is”¦
(You To Be) Be Happy
I always give 100%. When I do my thing, it’s not about me, it’s about her. This is probably a result of my habit of being the “other guy” but the sentiment is the same. I’m an unselfish guy. Like I said my ex girls and I still talk. I’m on good terms with every girl I’ve been with.
This even bleeds over into my work ethic. I’ll always take one for the team. It’s really never about me. I’m an easy dude to please. I just need some music, some ice cream, some reading material and I’m good. My one flaw is that”¦
You Remind Me of Something
I have a pretty bad memory. For instance I’ve forgotten a lot of what I learned in college. And don’t even get me started on high school memories. The past is foggy to me. People ask me what I did the previous day and I really have to dig to conjure up the memory.
But I’ll never compare a woman to a jeep because”¦
Ignition
I don’t know how to drive. I’ve never had a driver’s license and while I know the basic principle of driving I’ve never operated a motor vehicle. Part of it is stubbornness; I’ve made it this long without that skill why should I give that up? Part of it is because if I learn to drive, then the terrorists have really won.
Oh wow, would you look at that? I’ve written a column in a Music section that has a barely tangentially link to music. Well that’s what they get for nailing me down to a schedule.
But on the off chance you actually want to read something about Music then I suggest;
Start with the . That’s where you find out how InsidePulse writers feel about last month’s musical happenings.
Then go to Aaron who kicks off the month with a close encounter with some Lifesaversâ„¢. You must read it to believe it.
Next up is Jeff who not only has Trevor on the Jukebox (in a makeshift reunion of The Minority Report) but also features the MIA Elliot (whom I love, by the way.)
Now I don’t know where Gordi came from, but I’m guessing it’s heaven. This guy is to Jazz what Mitch was to Country. His voice is a breath of fresh air.
On to Gloomchen who describes an concert experience like none other. (She’s my fave, but don’t tell anyone else.)
And finally Tom details the pros and cons, but mostly the cons of buying re-released material.
Elsewhere On The Net
Melchor survived hurricanes (again) and watched debates. There’s also some music stuff there too.
Yayo also returns and fills in.
MSD has rumor about Jigga, Em, Foxy, and shows his support for Talib.
(I’d link Phil, Ian, and Tayo but I can’t access them.)
Five R. Kelly Song Titles I Really Wanted To Use But Weren’t Applicable
1. The Greatest Sex
2. One Me
3. R&B Thug
4. Dancing With a Rich Man
5. Spendin’ Money
Five Reasons Why Everyone Should Buy De La Soul’s “The Grind Date”
1. Beyonce’s dad needs more money.
2. No Kanye West Apperances!
3. Kick Ass Inlay Booklet.
4. Guest Appearances by Ghostface, MF Doom, Flava Flav and Bonz Malone!
5. It is possibly the best Hip Hop album of the year.
