Welcome back to The Bootleg. Yesterday, Baby Bootleg turned eight months old. He celebrated by being healthy for the first time in almost a week. That’s right, kids”¦for the last seven days, The Cameron Family was forced to endure a very sick child at home.
Even worse”¦Jalen’s illness began last Thursday at 5:30 in the afternoon”¦a mere 90 minutes before we would’ve been in our season seats watching the first pitch at the last home game of the year for the San Diego Padres.
He was already looking more than a little lethargic, when”¦well, I don’t wanna gross anyone out. Um, remember the last time you had too much to drink? Well, our kid was doing a damn fine impression. Basically, he bore an uncanny resemblance to the back seat of your best friend’s car (that one time).
While his timing couldn’t have been worse, I still held out hope that he’d be able to ride this thing out. I remember thinking to myself that babies are inherently resilient and besides”¦it was the last game of the season”¦the Padres were still fighting for a playoff spot and, more importantly, there were no refunds on”¦
“We’re going home.”, said Mrs. Bootleg at approximately 5:31 PM
A doctor’s visit the following day confirmed that it was just a virus working its way through the child’s system. It wouldn’t be pretty, but it would eventually pass given enough time, liquids and love.
Ah, but what Dr. Prescription of Love didn’t mention was that anyone around our kid would be highly susceptible to catching his viral drool and loose stools for the next 48-72 hours. And, right around Hour #60, at 5:00 AM on Sunday morning, the wife came running into the bedroom:
“You have to watch Jalen, I’m going to be sick!”
Our house had turned into that contagious coastal community in Outbreak. All that was missing was one of those cataclysmic concussion bombs and a cameo by Patrick Dempsey. But, since Domino’s delivery doesn’t begin until the sun is actually up, I’d have to wait a few hours before I could ask him when the Loverboy Special Edition DVD would be released.
Fortunately, the whole Cam Fam is back up to speed and doing great.
Oh, and for all of you who read last week’s intro and wondered how in the world I could keep the wife from reading it, just know that the biology lab at your local community college is always looking for isolated test locales to release their Petri dishes (read: ashtrays) full of potent, but non-lethal”¦
Oh, please. They survived! As does The Goodness”¦!
It’s From Episode 2F13: “Bart vs. Australia”
My longtime readers know why there’s enough reason to hate Australia once (and sometimes twice) a week. Now, Busta Rhymes has reason to add a third day. The day in question was Wednesday, September 29.
The rapper was scheduled to perform in Sydney, but was detained, along with his entourage, as they entered the former British Penal Colony. They were reportedly held up long enough to keep them from making the late evening show at a place called “Luna Park” and the subsequent cancellation has promoters up in arms, down under.
(Sorry. As a journalist, I’m obligated to use some cheesy ‘down under’ line when talking about Australia. It’s a lot like how headline writers must use some derivative of Sleepless in Seattle at least once a year in regards to some sporting event”¦i.e.: “Scoreless in Seattle”, “Winless in Seattle”, “Team Discovery Channel loses in Seattle”, etc.)
Anyways, short of contacting the Hopping Mad Collection agency, there’s probably not much of a remedy available for the promoters. They could try calling from whatever Squatter’s Crog they call home, but Bruno Drundridge still isn’t getting his $900. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.
Let the booting commence.
And Also The Inspiration For Bum Fighting
Earlier this week, it was revealed that Nelly’s latest single, Tilt Ya Head Back, was originally meant to be a duet with Britney Spears. However, representatives at Britney’s label ultimately passed on the track, deeming it “too urban”. Christina Aguilera eventually agreed to join Nelly on the cut and the two performed it live at the recent Video Music Awards.
Now, I’ve gotta say that I’m more than a little offended here. In recent years, “urban” has become synonymous with “Black”. I mean, are the suits at Britney’s label really telling us that Nelly is too Black for anyone? What other bruthas made Britney’s (too) “blacklist”? Tony Gwynn? The “banana in the tailpipe” guy from Beverly Hills Cop? Hell, me?
And does anyone else remember that old Nintendo game Urban Champion? Twenty years ago, two white guys punching each other on a random street in the hood passed for “gaming”. As you can imagine, it was all pretty dull, but it still made a hell of a lot more sense than Fight Club. I mean, seriously, are white people really that bored?
And, you’ll notice there were no scenes of Brad Pitt trying to release some of that “Anglo Angst” on anyone named “Cleophus”, “Jose” or “Warren Woo”.
Me Am Back!
American Idol champion Fantasia is slated to perform as Aretha Franklin on an upcoming episode of NBC’s insipidly idealistic American Dreams. Now, I know that the writers of the show crave authenticity at every turn, but have any of these people seen Fantasia live or in person?
I’m not saying Fantasia is an unattractive woman. That is to say I will be saying it, just be patient, damn it. But, let’s look at the difficulty involved in this odd casting call.
Somehow, they’re going to have to add a subplot to the existing script in which “Aretha” loses her dental plan. But, that’ll probably be a piece of cake compared to the explanation they’re going to have to come up with to address “Aretha’s” suddenly square, Black Bizarro shaped head.
Oh, of course we kid”¦if it wasn’t for grammatically challenged characters of the past like Bizarro, the Dinobots and Jimmie JJ Walker, who would stroke victims and full scholarship student (HA!)-athletes have to look up to?
Chris Rock Was Funnier When He Was Ours
Jessica Simpson has been hitting the gym hard in preparation for her upcoming role as Daisy Duke in next year’s Dukes of Hazard movie. But, don’t take my word for it. Here it is straight from the horse’s mouth:
“I’m trying to get my butt perky and I’m trying to actually get a butt. I have a ‘white-girl booty’, so I’m doing all my squats to lift it a little bit and get some junk in my trunk.”
I am not making this up. Well, let’s see”¦where to begin? First off, no one has used ‘junk in the trunk’ for at least a decade. Why does the mainstream feel the need to consistently beg, borrow and steal various African-American euphemisms and beat them into the ground?
I’m going to let y’all in on a little secret.
Don’t tell Mathan that I told you this, but here goes: No one says “izzle” anymore. We’re no longer “getting jiggy wit it”, either. “Da bomb” has been replaced, but I can’t tell you with what. And Stuart Scott is the only brutha keeping “BOO-yah!” on life support.
Oh, and what’s with all this “White girl booty” negativity? Damn it, Jessica”¦the mass media has spent a generation telling your people that ethnic asses are fat and nasty. And, now you’re saying they’re not? I’m only going to say this once: select a steady stream of self-loathing and stick with it.
One Size Fits All
Mandy Moore is now a freakin’ one-woman conglomerate, baby! She’s launched her own “Mblem” brand, which is being promoted as a line of “vintage contemporary tees”. And if the magic of oxymoronic marketing doesn’t pull you in, perhaps this will: the shirts will feature “classic” lyrics like Blondie’s “Gonna Get’cha, Get’cha, Get’cha”.
Who goes out of their way to buy a T-shirt? And, when, exactly, did short sleeve tees start spelling “style”? Don’t get me wrong”¦I’ve got a closet full of ’em. It’s just that I’ve never slid the door open and said to myself, “I’m down to my last dozen, better stock up for the summer.”
It’s my theory that T-shirt purchases just”¦well, they just kind of happen. It’s akin to eating at Denny’s. No one actually gets in the car with designs on a Denny’s dinner. It’s where you end up when the places you really want to go are either closed or are handing out those big-ass buzzers to supplement your sixty minute wait.
T-shirts are the same way. You’ll go buy some new shoes”¦and pick up a shirt. You need some new jeans”¦and while you’re already there”¦well, you get the idea. Oh, and can anyone explain to me the numerous results that pop up on eBay when you type in the words “shirt” and “emo”? White folk”¦a little help?
And, how come there aren’t any fat emo kids who wear those ridiculous one-size-too-small T’s? Do you have to weigh 98 pounds to be in their little club?
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
Dave Navarro and *NSYNC’s Lance Bass are among the (chortle) “celebrities” lined up for The Game Show Network’s debut of Celebrity Blackjack. Also scheduled to appear are Dennis Rodman, Adam Carolla, Jason Alexander, Tori Spelling and Shannon Elizabeth.
Hey, isn’t there some sort of law on the books that says Coolio must be a part of these things? For Christ’s sake, the man showed up for Fox’s Celebrity Spelling Bee.
Well, this news item is what us smarmy ‘net writers refer to as “The Motherload” and time’s a wastin’. I guess space considerations prevent me from lighting into the entire list, so I’ll have to pick one and run.
Has there ever been anyone as smokin’ hot as Shannon Elizabeth who has so completely failed to realize her potential? American Pie, Scary Movie“¦and oblivion? This is pretty much Natasha Henstridge territory without the inherent credibility of Species, Species II and Species III.
Or maybe Shannon’s just on the Kim Cattrall Plan. Kim did Porky’s in 1982 and it took 16 years, but she was finally able to break that insatiable sex-starved stereotype with her run on Sex and the City.
Now, I’ve never seen the show, but wouldn’t it be funny if her Sex character, who had to be pushing 50, was just a middle-aged version of her “Honeywell” persona from Porky’s?
Yeah, yeah”¦I should’ve quit while I was ahead.
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Editor’s Note: This month marks the one-year anniversary of Nick’s contributing debut. With that in mind, I slogged through 12 months worth of Bootlegs to bring you Nick Salemi’s Greatest Hits:
10.31.03, Baseball is to Movies
Atlanta Braves”¦Freddy vs. Jason: Even though they slaughter everyone throughout the movie (year), in the end, they get killed but somehow come back for another season. And although at first they seemed scary they become more of a joke every year.
11.14.03, The Hip Hop Giveaway
The latest fad in hip-hop to combat bootlegging and downloading is this Willy Wonka “golden ticket” promotion. Buy Obie Trice’s album and you possibly can win a chance to “spend the day in the studio with Eminem”.
G-Unit is giving away G-Unit medallions and buying Jay-Z’s The Black Album could get you a brand spankin’ new Mercedes Benz. You have to commend them for coming up with something new. I think we can all expect other rappers to follow suit. How about…
Nate Dogg: Since the recipe for anything hot is to add a shot of Nate Dogg, with the purchase of Nate’s new joint he’ll be offering his services to the lucky winner by accompanying you throughout a day in your life, singing a hook for each event in your day.
If you have a dentist appointment, Nate will be right there with you singin, “youuuu, betta learn to floss moooooo, your dirty ass teeeeth/ain’t gonna take much mooooo”.
If you’re low on grub and venture to the grocery store, Nate’s got your back… “Muth***as ain’t never seeeeen / somebody that cheeeeap/Doritos and sodaaaa ain’t enough for you to eeeeeat.” And so on.
In all honesty this may the greatest prize ever. I’d buy 100 Nate Dogg CDs for the chance at that.
01.09.04, Comparing Hot Chicks to Lines from A Few Good Men
This is a joke, right? Princess Leia, Jr.? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had her on the “hot” radar for a few years but she hasn’t proven she’s there yet, especially after she showed up on the Daily Show with an attitude, talking about how she got a psych degree (luckily she’s an actress or I would wish her good luck on being a “psych-retary”).
And most importantly, a haircut that made her look like a little boy. A few years in the minors and then the call up, and maybe then, Portman…
“Either way I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”
01.16.04, Nick Salemi and your Accu-Weather Forecast
I don’t even know what good weather is anymore. (Connecticut) is the worst of both worlds. At least Alaska is almost always cold and Arizona is always hot. All this stuff about there being seasons is absolute bullshit. You can have your “leaves turning pretty colors”. There hasn’t been a full-fledged spring or fall here in 5 years. It goes directly from sub-zero to muggy, humid and hot.
02.13.04, Hopefully His Father Won’t Call a Timeout
Jalen Cameron was born earlier this week, presumably named after former Michigan Fab 5 star Jalen Rose. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope when he grows up, he is recruited with 4 other freshman players to form the Fab 5 – 2022, accepts money and gifts and college, hangs out in crack houses but still has a decent NBA career.
02.27.04, Otis Nixon is Dhalsim
Otis Nixon, in addition to being the first outfielder to look like he was 70 years old, and snort both the first and third base lines in back to back playoff games, also starred in the world famous video game Streetfighter II. You know him better on the fighting circuit as Dhalsim. Apparently he blew his Yoga Flame a little too close to Chun-Li who immediately filed charges.
03.05.04, The Retirement of Jose Canseco
He hilariously stated, “This is probably going to be my last attempt – see you in the movies”. Apparently for anyone in the Miami area, this means you will soon have a 6 foot 4 240 pound guy ripping your tickets at a movie theater near you. “Spider Man 2
is in theater 8 on your left.” From chartering the 40-40 club to asking if you want to get a large popcorn for just 50 more cents, what’s next for the big guy?
04.02.04, Ja Rule, Co-Starring Laurence Fishburne
We also have the second film titled, “Assault in Precinct 13” where Ja Rule (surprise!) plays an inmate in a prison in which Larry Fishburne tries to bust out. Hasn’t Fishburne graduated from this crap yet? He’s way too good of an actor to still be playing these kinds of roles. Besides he already covered this material as Jimmy Jump in King of New York. There’s no way he can outdo the scene where he walks into a fast food joint, orders $30 worth of food, says “F*ck you very much” and walks out without paying.
05.21.04, B-Ball’s Best Kept Secret
What the Kidd Didd-Jason Kidd featuring Money B.
Mad props to Money B of Digital Underground for the biggest drop-off in playing second banana hype-man on a rap track EVER. How the F#$% did he go from being on 2Pac’s I Get Around to this sh*t?
Anyway, there’s no denying J-Kidd is the NBA’s best point guard but if teams want to rattle him, they should start playing this song every time he brings the ball up. I can’t tell you how many hours of enjoyment this track has given me. Guaranteed laughs.
The best way to describe it is it sounds like someone forced him to do karaoke and he decided to just talk over the beat. Some classic lines that I still use today:
“No one said bein’ a Kidd was easy”
“I give assists like a high school tutor”
“More steals than Rickey Hen from the Pac 10”
“But hey accidents happen”
(I assume this was before his hit and run incident?)
05.27.04, Muthaf*ckas Who Need They Ass Kicked, The Debut
Curt Schilling, Boston Red Sox Pitcher
Although we haven’t had any “open letters to the fans” lately, during his negotiations with Boston we did have to listen to that bullsh*t about how he has to do the best for his family. Just throw the ball and shut your f*cking mouth Curt.
06.25.04, Current Events Set To Animal House
Mary Kate Olsen’s anorexia
“My advice to you is to start drinking heavily”
I’ll keep this short. I do NOT feel sorry for billionaires who “don’t wanna eat”. How much attention do these people need? More importantly, how was this the fourth headline down on CNN.com? 80 die in blast in Iraq and uncle Jessie’s niece doesn’t want a sandwich? Doesn’t seem right. One thing’s good though, you know she’s done with dinner in a New York Minute.
07.16.04, Nick’s Summer Movie Preview
Alien vs. Predator
This would have been a great idea”¦when I was 12. Obviously, I’ve matured well beyond the capacity to find this entertaining. That being said, I’m not sure if the Predator from the original film took Carl Weathers’ blown off arm and will use it in this sequel. Last I knew, the gun was still firing.
09.03.04, Attractive Unattractive Women
Another inductee to the “alien composite drawing” hall of fame. At first glance: smokin’, but upon further inspection researchers have found a Shaq-like lazy eye and a striking resemblance to Sam Cassell with extensions. Females should not lead to comparisons with NBA players.
09.11.04, ESPN’s Top 100 Innovations in Sports
#51, Baggy Shorts
OK, It was a fashion trend that everyone black and white follows to this day. No one would be caught dead with nut-huggers on. But this can hardly be considered a sports innovation. I understand they described this list as a potpourri of things but honestly it’s just a few more inches of mesh.
09.18.04, Dr. Dre Meets Burt Bacharach
I’m Back-arach from the dead / ain’t no more raindrops fallin on my head
‘Motherf*ckers act like they forgot about Burt I know that’s what y’all said
Ask Doctor Dre who runs shit / cause I’m telling ya he knows
Wrote my first 16 bars down on the Dead Sea Scrolls
Special thanks to Nick for all his work for The Bootleg. The 10 minutes he spends every Thursday night makes my several hours of effort look like real work, by comparison.
There were some huge happenings over on the super-secret IP Staff Forum last weekend. After two months of hot wings and harmony, we found our first forum feud as
Elliot Smilowitz one of our music contributors locked horns with S. A. Coogan our movies editor.
Can you believe they had that much time on their hands? Anyways, I got to thinking about some other IP intra-feuds that need to go down.
Gloomchen vs. D’Errico is the perfect curtain-jerker, although it’s clear who the fans will be behind.
Tom’s latest includes the line, “”¦let’s just get on with this”, while Lady Gloomchen comes with, “I had a pair of cutoff stonewashed jeans that I had sewn laces up the outside hems”¦they were so tight that I thought they would cut off all circulation, but that was a good thing.” And, then some.
Mathan vs. Mathan looks like it’ll be too close to call on the surface, but look a little deeper.
“Music” Mathan gives us this line, “I have actively tried to take a girl from her man.” On the other hand “Nexus” Mathan says, “Nobody wants to be Black. Not Tiger Woods, not Mariah Carey, not Derek Jeter”¦” Ah, read ’em both”¦maybe Mathan will explain that little tuft of hair at the crown of Jeet’s forehead.
Fernandez vs. Everyone in a handicap match.
This won’t be the one-sided affair that everyone thinks, either. Hell, not with Jeff breaking out the “50 Cent looks like Elliot Smilowitz” line and his opponents countering with “50 Cent looks like Sinead O’Connor”.
I can’t remember”¦do we have Ryan T. Murphy or Mitch Michaels to thank for all of this? Eh, let’s split the diff and blame Widro.
We wrap things up with a little 3 Tha Friday action, as TV Mathan bashes CBS”¦T.J. Houshmandzadeh should be bashing Episode #3 of ABC’s Lost when his new column goes up today and”¦well, you’re already reading me.
I mean, come on. Did ABC really end this week’s episode of Lost with a tearful, slow motion reunion of a boy and his dog?
So, what’s going on between you and that guy who replaced Cocozza on 411? Have you seen his latest column? He spends like five seconds on the news and the rest of the time taking shots at you and Inside Pulse.
I’m not trying to start sh*t, since it looks like it’s already on, but I was wondering what the hell got that kid all worked up over you? Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Bryan R.
I received a handful of similar letters this week and enough have trickled in over the past month or so, that it’s probably time to address this whole mess.
There is no feud between me and anyone at any other entertainment site.
In fact, the person in question is actually a longtime Friend of the Bootleg who has trusted me with his Cracker Jack spy decoder “government name”: Jason Gillis. That’s “MSD” to you or his fan.
Our policy here at Inside Pulse is that all net feuds suck and they’re pretty much discouraged from the top on down. To that end, I went through my old “I_am_ajc13@yahoo.com” email account to pull some actual letters I’ve received from my “enemy” since The Bootleg began:
Subject: Today is M arch 9th
From: “Jason Gillis” (email@example.com)
To: “Aaron Cameron”
Date: Tuesday, 09 March 2004
Hi Aaron. firstly, (sic) I don’t know if I’ve told you this before — but congratulations on the lil bundle of joy. Fo real. Those pictures you were posted were great. I’m really happy for you, man. Secondly, your bootleg report is the one thing I consistentantly (sic) check for on a Friday morn. It’s straight fire and alwayz madd entertaining. I just want to make sure I give you the props you deserve. Keep up the great work, and thanks for blessing us with little random tidbits of rap-related news during the week. Great job.
See? He’s obviously a fan of my work”¦and a “consistentant” one, at that. It’s nothing but love from “The Broken (English)”, people. And, besides”¦would my “arch nemesis” send something like this?
Subject: Hip. Hop. Hip. Hop.
From: “Jason Gillis” (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: “Aaron Cameron”
Date: Friday, 04 April 2003
PS Get ME a gig writing for 411 Music! I hook it up with the ILL columns, rap and wrestling related.
MadStepDad aka Chip Chimney aka Yourz Truly aka Planet J-Geezy
And just 16 months and a mass music staff exodus later, m’man “Planet J-Geezy” had reached the big time and cracked the first team! As everyone knows, I’ve got no problem with pimping the work of others on our competing site, so check for “Chip Chimney” every week for more insightfully “ILL” opinions like this:
Subject: “¦And So It Continues.
From: “Jason Gillis” (email@example.com)
To: “Aaron Cameron”
Date: Monday, 07 April 2003
I also remember when I FIRST heard Left-Eye Lopes signed with Death Row. My gut instinct: Suge is gonna kill her. Guess what? SHE DIES IN A CAR CRASH! Then, I told ALL my friends that you can COUNT on Suge’s involvement in her death if she drops an album post-mortem.
Well guess what, SHE IS DROPPING A DEATH ROW Album after her death! Suge is an ANIMAL, and I had a theory he was setting up Ja Rule to be the next 2Pac (dead as a doorknob), until the Feds got invovled. Maybe I just play too much Dungeons & Dragons, but those are a few of my conspiracy theories.
“Too much D&D?” Well, probably”¦but there’s not a more entertaining elf around, brutha. Hell, I should know”¦I’ve used enough of his comments in past columns:
From: “Jason Gillis” (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: “Aaron Cameron”
Date: Friday, 09 May 2003
Hey! You printed some of my comments! AND you said they were “well-reasoned and articulate”! Thanks doode!.
Well, you’re welcome, buddy! I’m glad I could make your weekend and pave the way for your very own column, eventually. This is the same feeling I got when my son discovered his feet for the first time. Yeah”¦I’m that proud.
So, please, people”¦no more emails. There is no beef”¦there is no feud. Hell, go read his column.
It’s the sincerest form of flattery.
RPGs? Wigga, Please! Put down the pair of 20-sided dice and get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13″¦and it was supposed to be singular.