The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #64

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by BT Broadband for Students. You can sign up for just £24.99 a month for the nine months you’re at uni, and have a chance to win six months of free groceries from Sainsbury’s, for your entire house.

From now on, this column will contain the tacked-on prefix of The Weekly Music Pulse. Fingers and I decided that it would be cool to have a weekly wrap-up column for the music section, and realized that I basically already do that. I will continue to write the same column that you all know and love, and will also push the hell out of more of the content from the section, including reviews, as well as me continuing to mention this guy…

Speaking of racially divisive, in the last few days I’ve been referring to myself as “the black Michael Jordan” a lot. Does that offend anyone?

THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 6 of 16)
Ministry, “Work for Love”

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
(Special extended Weekly Music Pulse lineup)

Go read the September edition of our InsidePulse ROCKTABLE. It make you strong like Russian female Olympian. Also, if you read it, a beautiful woman will come to your house and offer you free oral sex. If you are woman, Widro will come to your house and make you a sandwich, and then offer you free oral sex as you eat the sandwich.

That_Bootleg_Guy is the chitlins to my chicharrones. He proposes a “Jeff Fernandez vs. The World” match, which unbeknownst to many, actually did happen back in 1999. I was an angry young, man, and I went from town to town, destroying everyone and everything in sight. My untimely demise, however, occurred when I encountered a feisty chimney sweep in Glastonbury that sent me running, licking my wounds. Let us never speak of this again.

I have realized that Mathan Erhardt and I share yet another common interest, and that is booty. Booty is wonderful. I f*cking love it. I also love boobs. Without boobs and booty I think I would probably have nothing to keep my spirits up at work. Plus, Mathan also loves Elliot Smilowitz. I’m not positive, but if he were to devote an R. Kelly song to Elliot Smilowitz, it would probably be “When a Woman’s Fed Up.” In a related story, Elliot Smilowitz had a conversation with a deaf kid the other day.

Elliot: Nobody likes your shirt. It’s dumb.
Deaf kid: (unintelligible mumbling)
Elliot: You heard me.

D’Estroyer has a bevy of metal news, with a kibitz on re-releases and plugs for Straylight Run and Sum 41, as he and Elliot continue to share an odd connection, and I’m not talking about that one girl that they both banged within a three-week period. In other D’Estroyer news, he recently managed to stave off Fingers and hold on to the coveted “Top Poster” position in the writer forums. When asked about the situation, Fingers told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “GO ME! SELF-FELLATIO RULES!” Now, Matt, you can’t get mad, because you’ve actually said that before.

Gloom Gloom used to think that Sebastian Bach was a god. I used to think that Jennifer Lopez was a goddess. Now we have both wised up and are child-free music freaks, except I am a child-free music freak who works in retail. For more Gloomy action, stay tuned, as she appears later in this column via the Jukebox. SPOILER ALERT! Dream Theater appears in said Jukebox!!

Once again, Gordi Whitelaw shares his secrets on how to score with smart people. Memo to all of you girls out there that want to score with smart people: I’m right here. All you need to do is send me an e-mail. Sometimes I even f*ck on the first date! Just mention Bauhaus or Joy Division and my panties are on the floor!

Check out the following buzz on the premiere of the InsidePulse Concert Series!

and these reviews…

Jedi Mind Tricks
Gloomchen has a BAND TATTOO!!
Fatboy Crap
The Features
The Nissans

NEWS TO USE

Rapper Beanie Sigel (né Dwight Grant) has been sentenced to a year in prison (along with two years probation and a $25,000 fine) as a result of being convicted on a gun possession charge from an incident that occurred in 2002. Sigel was eligible to receive three or more years, but the judge allowed leniency after citing his recent charity work and participation in drug treatment. The charges are a result of an incident in which he was pulled over in a simple traffic stop, but then fled from his Cadillac Escalade, tossing a loaded gun in the process. The gun possession charge was more severe because Sigel had an altercation when he was a teenager, after which a judge made it illegal for him to own a handgun. I’m not at liberty to mention said incident, but I CAN say that it involved Buffalo Wild Wings, a basket full of gerbils, and that shitstarter Lil Jon.

Brandon Boyd, lead singer of crap-rock band Incubus, was arrested at La Guardia Airport in NYC on Wednesday after baggage screeners discovered a switchblade at the bottom of one of his carry-on bags. According to authorities, Boyd ended up being released by police to board another plane, but not before being charged with criminal possession of a weapon. The singer, who was on his way to a concert in Raleigh, North Carolina, said, “I totally forgot it was at the bottom of my bag, and when the security person pulled it out, I thought, `Oh, no.'” In other news, 50 Cent looks like one of those cockroaches that you can shoot to win a free iPod.

Following up on this story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #59

The Retarded DMX will plead not guilty to charges of assault causing bodily harm, which were leveled against him last month, in a pretrial date scheduled for October 6th. There is a publication ban on all information regarding the trial, although it may have to do with The Retarded DMX being one of the most useless rappers since that one guy from No Limit.

The pretrial hearing which, was conducted this Wednesday in Ontario Court (in which the rapper was not present), saw the judge ruling that The Retarded DMX would have to return to Toronto sometime between March 7th and 11th to stand trial for assault. His attorney asked for a few days to contact him and figure out when the best day would be for him to attend the hearing, after which time she and the prosecutors would return on Tuesday to set a definite date. The Retarded DMX’s attorneys told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, that he will plead not guilty to the charges, “…although if it were charges of being one of the suckiest suckers that ever sucked, he would probably have no choice but to plead guilty to that.”

Elton John continued with his much-anticipated heel turn last Monday while accepting an award for songwriting at Britain’s Q magazine awards show. The singer stood on the stage and said that it was ludicrous how Madonna had been nominated for an award in the Best Live Act category when she consistently lip-synchs at her live concerts. “Since when has lip-synching been live?” John said. “Anyone who lip synchs in public on stage when you pay £75 to see them should be shot.” He then joked about how he’d probably be taken off of her Christmas card list after having made the comments. Little does he know that Madonna does not celebrate Christmas anymore, because she is too busy studying the cabala and feigning a British accent.

The Osbournes have yet another reality-based program in the horizon, debuting on October 25th. The show is called Battle for Ozzfest, and will star the family, along with eight fledgling hard rock bands. The bands will face off weekly and will be judged by the family, who will get to choose who stays and who goes. The whole show will culminate in the last band standing winning the grand prize, which is the choice of either being able to perform at next year’s Ozzfest, along with new sound equipment and money for touring expenses, OR being able to shoot the Osbourne children in their f*cking heads. Tough choice!

Dave Mays and Ray Benzino, co-owners of The Source magazine are upset with Russell Simmons after he canceled a scheduled appearance at their upcoming voter education rally. The two released a statement, saying, “We invited and expected [Simmons] to participate in the largest annual hip-hop weekend of the year, and he bailed from the event because he is afraid of the authenticity and influence of The Source magazine.” According to sources close to him, Russell Simmons heard the statement and still has not stopped laughing, even if you’re reading this column a week or two after I posted it.

The Cure has announced plans to re-release its 1979 European debut, Three Imaginary Boys, with a second disc, chock full of demos and rarities. The album was never released in North America, although a permutation of it was released under the name of Boy’s Don’t Cry in 1980. Here is the tracklisting…

(Disc 1)
“10:15 Saturday Night”
“Accuracy”
“Grinding Halt”
“Another Day”
“Object”
“Subway Song”
“Foxy Lady”
“Meathook”
“So What”
“Fire in Cairo”
“It’s Not You”
“Three Imaginary Boys”
“The Weedy Burton”

(Disc 2)
“I Want to Be Old” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“I’m Cold” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“Heroin Face” (live)
“I Just Need Myself” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“10:15 Saturday Night” (home demo, previously unreleased)
“The Cocktail Party” (home demo, previously unreleased)
“Grinding Halt” (home demo, previously unreleased)
“Boys Don’t Cry” (studio demo)
“It’s Not You” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“10:15 Saturday Night” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“Fire in Cairo” (studio demo, previously unreleased)
“Winter” (studio out-take, previously unreleased)
“Faded Smiles” (aka “I Don’t Know” – studio outtake, previously unreleased)
“Play With Me” (studio out-take, previously unreleased)
“World War” (only available on early copies of Boys Don’t Cry)
“Boys Don’t Cry” (single version)
“Jumping Someone Else’s Train” (single version)
“Subway Song” (live)
“Accuracy” (live, previously unreleased)
“10:15 Saturday Night” (live, previously unreleased)

BITS ‘N’ PIECES

Melissa Etheridge was diagnosed with breast cancer this past week, and has been forced to cancel her scheduled tour dates in order to receive treatment. According to her doctors, the cancer was fortunately detected early and they expect a “speedy and complete recovery.”

Jessica Simpson’s upcoming 7-track holiday EP, A Special Limited Edition Christmas Collection, will be exclusively available at all 7-Eleven convenience stores. That was not a joke.

Guitar World magazine has rated Poison guitarist C.C. Deville’s nine-minute “Guitar Solo” as number one on their “100 Worst Riffs, Licks & Solos of All Time” (which will appear in their December edition). Also appearing on the list were asinine solos by Carlos Santana, Cream, The Beatles, Ted Nugent, and The Rolling Stones.

Bob Weir and Ratdog have decided to cancel their scheduled fall tour on account of Weir having “reached a point of complete and physical exhaustion.” The combination of playing 34 dates with The Dead over the summer, as well as his promotional work for last March’s best of collection, called Weir Here, has apparently taken a toll on the singer/guitarist.

After several allegations that her marriage to dancer Kevin Federline was nothing more than a hoax/publicity stunt, pop star Britney Spears and her husband have filed legal documents making it official. I really like Quizno’s.

Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars recently underwent a hip replacement surgery this past Tuesday, in order to ease pain from ankylosing spondylitis, a disease which causes certain bones in the spine to fuse together, and consequently inflames and erodes parts of the bones. The surgery reportedly went well, and Mars’ physician said that he would be walking with the help of a therapist within a few days.

Marilyn Manson has signed on to play the Queen of Hearts in Living in Neon Dreams, which is being touted as a “re-imagining” of Alice in Wonderland. Shooting will begin this month in Cape Town, South Africa.

Ms. Dynamite, UK Top 40 artist and winner of the Mercury Music Prize, was arrested when she surrendered to London’s Metropolitan Police after having been sought for assault at a restaurant on Wardour Street, in the Soho district. According to authorities, she “was arrested and has been bailed to reappear at a central London police station at a date in November.” I’m not positive, but if it happened in Soho, chances are it either involved a prostitute or gay guy. Now THAT’S regional humor!

THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX

This week’s featured contributor is the first lady of InsidePulse Music, Gloomchen

As I sat down to compile my contribution to the Late Night Jukebox, I realized one very glaring problem: I have no clue how to relax. I listen to death metal to fall asleep at night. Let’s just call this lovely little list, “A Sad Attempt Of A Girl With Ants In The Pants Trying To Chill.”

Alice in Chains, “I Stay Away”
Stuck on the EP Jar of Flies, featured with a video done in Claymation and simply often forgotten, this gem deserves much more recognition. Experimenting with some tasty orchestration and taking the incredible Staley/Cantrell harmonies to a new level, this was the very first song I think of to mellow me out. Oh, ignore the fact that it’s disturbing as hell, okay? So what if my brain is broken.

Led Zeppelin, “Ten Years Gone”
Overlooked, undervalued, gorgeous and sad. There’s something about the main riff of this song that catches in my chest and makes my head tingle. It’s been on my invisible list of favorite songs for years. Physical Graffiti would be a whole lot emptier without it.

Apocalyptica, “One”
While this may look like a pathetic excuse to get some old-school Metallica into the Jukebox, allow me to retort. Easily one of the most powerful string arrangements (all cello, for those who haven’t heard these guys) that I have ever heard in my life, there has been no greater gift to the metal community than Apocalyptica. If you ever encounter the dad from the video for Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” play this song for him. Just because it’s crunchy and loud doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful — the entire Inquisition Symphony disc proves it repeatedly.

Liz Phair, “Flower”
The girlie I worship most sings a dirty song. Nearly every critics’ list in the universe contains Exile in Guyville, but I’m not trying to play to that. I love Liz because of her honest, foul mouth. Oh, and because even with her untrained, thin voice, she can create a near-a cappella round which renders me unable to stop smiling.

Anthrax, “Black Lodge”
Back to the dark side — the video for my favorite tune from Sound of White Noise is one of my favorite music videos of all time and fits the song so well that they are like peas and carrots. So it’s a disturbing song, but the chord choices resonate and create a mood that is impossible to shake. It’s one of the best examples I have for a song that takes on its own life force.

Depeche Mode, “Blue Dress”
The simplicity of this often-forgotten track from Violator is probably what makes it so often forgotten. The universe is not that complicated of a place. It’s a song about the little things that make life worth living and love so easy. I don’t want to hear a peep from anyone about the undercurrent of sexism in the song, either. Just shut up and appreciate it.

Blind Melon, “Mouthful of Cavities”
The story to this song goes is that some young woman met up with the band after a show and said she was going to sing with them. Lo and behold on Soup, this gorgeous duet appears and erases any of that “riding the coattails of Axl” garbage that stuck to Shannon Hoon. It’s just an incredible tune, mellow like the rest of Melon’s output, but much more mature than anyone expected after the silly bee girl video.

Lacuna Coil, “Comalies”
I have an affection for songs that aren’t in English, although most of them tend to be some strain of industrial or dance beats which clearly aren’t for the Late Night Jukebox. Instead, one of the more laid-back tracks from the Comalies disc was actually the first that stuck in my head for a good period of time and made me fall in love with the band. There’s one hell of a gorgeous chorus on this baby.

Chroma Key, “Blanket”
One of my very favorite songs of all time and likely one which you would have to get directly from me if you’re going to find it at all, this demo (found on the out-of-print CD single “Colorblind”) by ex-Dream Theater keysman Kevin Moore meshes some insane synth textures with oddball samples, creating the ultimate mood music. Perhaps the mood he’s created isn’t all that gleeful and balanced, but we don’t need no stinkin’ sanity around here. It’s striking, haunting, and magical.

Elton John, “Funeral for a Friend/Love Lies Bleeding”
Moving from disturbing keys to bouncy ones, there are far too many fantastic Elton John tunes in the universe. “Love Lies Bleeding” doesn’t get as much recognition as it should, although Goodbye Yellow Brick Road certainly gets its props as a whole. Although the tune is rollicking, I’m sure one notices that it’s not the happiest of songs. Congratulations, you have found the magical pattern!

Kenny Wayne Shepherd, “Blue on Black”
While I’m not a huge blues fan, good ol’ Kenny Wayne mixes in plenty of good hard rock with his ensemble to make me an addict. This single from Trouble Is… features blisteringly emotive guitar playing from the young little scrap. The vocals are warm and baritone, probably making this the most truly mellow song on this list. I must say, however, it would be hard to turn off the album before jumping next into the Dylan cover “Everything Is Broken,” but that can be saved for another time.

The Smiths, “How Soon Is Now?”
I wanted to add some Cure, some Bunnymen, and some Joy Division, but many before me have lent their tunes to the Jukebox. I’m tossing in this completely non obscure beauty from Meat Is Murder because I once went on a jag where I listened to it no less than 30 times in a row. Why? It’s just that damn good. I’m not a Morrissey fanatic by any stretch, either; it’s just one great tune that I could lie back and hear again and again and again.

Lenny Kravitz, “Again”
And again! First appearing on his Greatest Hits album, this really is just one of many Kravitz ballads that have captivated me over the years. There’s something very ’80s in style about the verses’ vocals which probably draws it back into my personal rotation so often. While the song ends builds up and ends with great tension, for the most part it’s just a nicely written piece of pop with a smidgen of a dark side.

Dream Theater, “Misunderstood”
Those who know me well were just waiting for a DT inclusion, although I’m sure this might be a surprising choice. Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence was an odd mix of styles and some interesting risks taken by the band, but I was absolutely taken aback by this tune. Even for me, someone with just a dinky smidge of Internet fame over the years, the unabashed power of this song completely hits home. It fits the Jukebox, as far as I’m concerned, because it brings me peace. Next.

The Black Crowes, “Bad Luck Blue Eyes Goodbye”
The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion stands as one hell of a great album on its own; taking this ditty out of its proper place between “Thorn In My Pride” and “Sometimes Salvation” is tricky, but it stands up tremendously even without those great songs as crutches. It’s soulful, rootsy, and as blues as I care to get, and the build to the final reprises of the song title are just mesmerizing.

Winger, “Headed for a Heartbreak”
Now to completely blow my credibility, I offer the best-written ballad of the cock-rock era. Disagree with me if you must, but Winger was comprised of three musicians more talented than half of the entire big-hair genre; their non-standard song structures and detailed musicianship were badly overshadowed by Kip Winger’s gleaming white teeth and valley of chest hair. From their first album, this tune builds some great tension and drifts off with a great meandering solo outro. Very, very good stuff.

The Gathering, “Saturnine”
“You don’t need to preach/You don’t have to love me all the time.” I don’t know what it is about this particular song from if_then_else that once latched my ear and refused to ever leave, but I’ll be damned if its lyrics haven’t etched themselves into my skull. I have sung the praises of Ms. van Giersbergen’s voice many times before, and while this is a typical example of her finesse, the whole song’s mix of strings and rock are what land it here today.

Cocteau Twins, “Pearly-Dewdrops’ Drops”
I guess I could be ashamed, but I’m not; I discovered this song on some silly ’80s compilation disc before I ever gave the Twins a fair listen in any respect. Originally found on The Pink Opaque, this oddball tune with an oddball name is loaded with oddball lyrics and oddball musicianship. That’s exactly the way I like my tunes for a good night of chilling, and that’s exactly why it wraps up my choices for the Late Night Jukebox.

Thanks to Gloomchen for taking part in the greatest music feature to ever be named Prime Minister of Uzbekistan. You can send you questions/comments regarding this list to gloomchen@insidepulse.com.

FROM THE LABELS

The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has some important news on a couple of new releases…

We have experienced some manufacturing flaws with the following 2 releases:

Po’ Girl “Vagabond Lullabies” (0670 0 30386 2 1) Some of the product has a flaw, which limits the disc’s total playability. This release has a 9/21/04 street date.

Russell, Brenda “Between the Sun and the Moon” (7243 8 66204 2 2) Some of this product has an improper inlay. The inlay indicates the CD is “For promotional use only”, which, of course, is not true. This release has a 10/5/04 street date.

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

INFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…

Nekromantix, “Who Killed the Cheerleader”
Common [Sense], “Thisisme”
Alien Sex Fiend, “Nightmare Zone”
Annie Lennox, “I Can’t Get Next to You”
Billy Joel, “She’s Always a Woman”
David Gray, “Long Distance Call”
Mike Oldfield, “Tubular Bells”
Morrissey, “Hairdresser on Fire”
Los Straitjackets, “Rockula”
Oxford Circle, “Mind Destruction”
Erasure, “Imagination”
Kidneythieves, “Black Bullet”
D.R.I., “Give a Hoot”
Shirley Bassey, “Goldfinger”
Tiger Army, “Twenty Flight Rock”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

Professors from Wayne State University and Auburn University just revealed a joint study in which they gathered information from 49 different American metropolitan areas, and studied the type of music that was most popular as per the radio. The researchers found a very consistent trend in the amount of country western music that is played in certain areas. Apparently, a large majority of the cities where country music was more prevalent than others reflected a parallel upward trend in suicide rate. The professors concluded that the popular country music-related themes of “marital discord, alcohol abuse and alienation from work … nurture a suicidal mood” in many listeners of that genre. Sorry, Mitch…

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m worth a million in prizes.

Cheers
-JF2k4!