TNA Impact 10/01/04

TNA Impact 10/1/04

Package for you, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob! True, the package is obscenely late”¦.. The Short Answer is “I was sick” the long Answer is “See Short Answer”

We start with a recap from last week’s match between Those Wacky Mismatched Tag Champs and Those Other Guys, which I will complain that should end with Jim Mitchell messing with XXX until they do it, Jericho’s Evil Twin slapping Monty, Raven dissing Monty and eating a Pounce, Abyss with the, eh screw it, you know the drill, everyone hits their finisher on someone else like some mutated version of rock paper scissors or Pokemon. Tenay informs us that the decision of the number one contender will be announced this week. Really. Honest. Yup. No WAY they would put it off, nope, nosirree.

Jericho’s Evil Twin (w/ El Kabong) vs. Brian Gamble

I am going to boycott Jarrett Impact squashes until something interesting happens. For you noobs, here’s the formula one last time: Jarrett jumps the idiot jobber, pummels him, stomps, yells at the crowd, throws him outside, uses the rails/steps/Spanish table, throws him back in, five seconds of token jobber offense, Stroke, wash, rinse, repeat, all in two minutes. Super DUD

Jarrett isn’t leaving until he knows who his opponent is going to be, so he perches a chair on to of Tenay and West’s table.

We come back from commercials and Jarrett is still babbling at Tenay. Out comes The Man Who Hates Rasslin to give his notice. Not really. Russo says childish people do childish things. Neener neener neener. Russo was going to bring in Nash, but he sucks, so he’s not coming in. I’m paraphrasing here. We get a tournament instead with Abyss, Monty, Raven and Hardy, the winner gets Jarrett. Better than a 5 way, I spose. Jarrett threatens us with The Outsiders again, which is bad in a bad way, instead of bad in a good way.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Out comes AJ to yap at Russo. WWE *IS* right! Who needs wrasslin when you can TALK?? AJ wants to know when he gets his X Division shot. Russo says tonight there is a 6 man X Division match and the winner gets Petey Williams. I assume they’re doing this to show us how bad the World Title picture COULD have been, had they gone multi way cluster instead of tournament format.

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Out comes Scott D’Amore and Team Canada to yap at Russo. Petey rulz, AJ sux, and Team Canada wants da belt. Russo stands up to them, and D’Amore wants a #1 contenders match, Team C vs. Russo and Styles. If this was WWE eight years ago Russo would have the belt by now. D’Amore then goes off on AJ, and a beat down of AJ ensues. He makes the comeback, but Petey comes in to turn the tide, until 3LK come in to turn the tide. Wow, such intense almost-wrestling action makes me long for a commercial.

Raven vs. Mark Stephens

Raven hits the Evenflow to get the pin. No, really. DUD

Abyss vs. Luther Jackson

They’re not even trying now. DUD

But they do tell us it’s Hardy vs. Abyss and Brown vs. Raven in Round One next week, at least they got THAT in.

Shane Douglas interviews Harley Race in front of The Office Of The Director Of Authority. You know it’s The Office Of The Director Of Authority because there’s a little sign that says Director Of Authority on it. The little sign that says Director of Authority on it has been strategically placed over a smaller sign, that most likely says Janitor’s Closet. Did I mention TWO forty second squashes, and I had ALREADY decided to bite the bullet and do a full transcription of a Dusty Interview? I am taking my life in my hands here, people, this could end up being like that German joke from Monty Python.

Anywho, Shane Douglas interviews Harley Race in front of The Office Of The Director Of Authority Talking to Dusty, according to Race, is like talking to Dusty 30 years ago. And reading my recaps are like reading my recaps on LSD. Race lets us know that nothing has been resolved, and they need to reconvene later to take care of The Dusty Issue. What Dusty Issue is it again? Isn’t Hardy already in the tournament? I tend to just kind of nod and smile whenever a Hardy or a Lita is involved, so someone remind me again?

They run the NYC Promo. Here’s a good gimmick for Disco Inferno. His name is Disco Inferno, and he’s an idiot. And they say booking is hard. The promo is slick, as you might expect from the new folks in charge, even though you can tell TNA probably doesn’t have *quite* the budget WWE is. Anywho, NYC is coming soon. Because they, um, went away and stuff.

Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs (Daniels and Storm) vs. The Naturals (Stevens and Douglas)

This angle has about 3 or 4 weeks of shelf life, I would guess, so I’ll keep telling someone to buy Jim Mitchell a plane ticket until they do. Separate entrances for TCMTC, let’s see if Storm keeps doing the subtle heel thing. West lets us know TCMTC told him that there would be no team dissension, nope, no way, no sirreebob. Stevens tries some Flippy Floppy but Storm punches him in the mouth. So there you go. Stevens misses two chops and gets hit with the rana, as I see the trend is to continue to book the Naturals as incompetent. You know, sort of like Butch Reed with blond hair, only different. Bulldog gets 2 for Storm. Daniels tags in with the chops and head butt, but eats a double chop. Douglas tags in and gets nothing and tags right out. Weird. Stevens tags in and Daniels hits a dropkick. Storm puts his head down to turn the tide, but Stevens yells at the crowd and well, you know. Daniels in with the Springboard Splitleg for two. Quick tags, as the plan is to have them appear a better team than Those Other Guys. Daniels with the Rock Bottom, but he misses on the BME as Storm picked up Stevens. Daniels eats mat and the Naturals get the fluke pin. * ½ I hate having the Naturals booked as incompetent but lucky; if you’re going to do that book them in comedy matches with the NYC. Those Other Guys come out to stare and look intense. Team Canada comes out to stare and smirk.

Back to the Office, as Dusty comes out. Ok, here we go.

“Hey lemme tell ya what you know that ol’ movie where they gotta failure to communicate?” (turns to door, nose almost touching the door) “WELL WE GOTTA FAILURE TA COMMUNICATE IN DERE!” (turns to camera) and the bottom line in this whole situation is, here’s wha’s happenin’. They put a light bulb, shinin’ down on me like dey do in interrogation, and they started askin; me all dese questions. Well the question is, Jeff Hardy was needed HERE. I BROUGHT him here. Got him a title shot, Russo TOOK that title shot away from him. Then he comes along and now he‘s gotta get in this tournament, you know what I‘m talkin‘ about?” (Shane, correcting Dusty‘s botched version of history: “Let me remind you though, Dust, he lost that match, he DID LOSE that match!”) “I tell you what he shouldn’t even be in that situation Russo put him in we do not see eye to eye (turns to the door, nose practically touching the door, seriously, he’s like frenching the door) and will NEVER see eye to eye. And the other bottom line is they can vote me off the island if they want to but the bottom line is I got my own I said 1bottom line SIX TIMES cuz I’m so excited, the deal is I got my own agenda and I’m gonna take care of (turning to kiss door again) Bidness! BIDNESS!”

And he storms off.

Shane’s Douglas’ expressions, from looking up at the imaginary light bulb with Dusty, to the semi stunned double take after Dusty left, instantly makes Douglas the best interviewer in the business. I can see some people not finding this as hilarious as I do, but right now Dusty is just Unintentional Gold. Somebody at IP needs to pull some strings and get this Dusty interview on the site somewhere. In his Later Years Dusty morphs into this hyper Boomhauer mode that is just something to see.

Oooh a new promo for the Empire Saint. You know what would be a good gimmick for the Empire Saint? His name is Simon, and usually he has a problem. And they say booking is hard. The video is kinda Churchy La Femme, and apparently the Saint is still Irish. Score one for continuity, I guess.

Tenay enjoys announcing Victory Road will be in Orlando just a *smidge* too much. Next week! LIVE! Roddy Piper. This can only end in tears.

Six Man X-Division Match – Kid Kash v. Amazing Red v. Alex Shelley v. Chris Sabin v. Kazarian v. AJ Styles

Shelley and Kazarian can’t decide who should start versus the faces, so they slap each other like little girls and start against each other. Sabin goes for dive outside but eats knee on his way out. AJ does the Plancha Fakey, where he lands on the apron, but Kash knocks him to the floor. Red hit’s a Missile Dropkick on Kash, AJ with a Sorta Rana on Kazarian, and we need to go to commercial because we apparently suck.

When so much of your ad time is ads for your own product, you DON’T have to break up matches with commercials. Just sayin’.

We come back as Red kicks down Kazarian, who fights back with a roll through to a Camel Clutch. Shelley comes in and dropkicks Red while he’s in the Clutch. He tells Kazarian to do the same, but Shelley nails him with a clothesline as he comes off the ropes. That would be lying AND cheating. Now he just has to steal something. Shelley tags in Kash and a Side Slam gets two. Kash tags in Kazarian who hits his Slingshot Legdrop for two. Shelley tags in but gets hit with the Standingsault for two. Red with an RKO and now everyone is in the ring. Sabin with a Running Powerbomb on Kash for Two, Kazarian with a Side Kick on Sabin, AJ with the Face Jam for Two on Kazarian, Red with a Kick to AJ, Kash with a frog splash on Kazarian, Red with a Kick to Kash, Shelley launches Red outside onto Kazarian, Kash with a Springboard Dive onto the tow of them, Sabin with a dive onto the three of THEM, stupidly leaving Shelley and AJ alone. DDT gets 2 for Shelley, AJ rolls through after a Rana, rolling him into the Clash, AJ wins. ** ½ It’s easy for this type of match to become a pointless spot fest, especially a stupid one like where 4 of the 6 guys basically plunged to their doom. That being said this was a pretty nice match given, well, what it was.

But now, to cleanse the palate, more Dusty! Dusty WILL have his way, and he has plans for the future.

Raven wants Monty to die.

Monty wants larynx transplant surgery.

Jarrett is gonna win.

So there you go. Three Uber Squashes (squashi? Or is it just squash, like moose?) the Genius of Dusty, Tag Team Shenanigans and the X-Division Main Event. If the ratio is 50% squash 50% substance, I suppose we should be thankful we’re getting 50%.