The Midnight News 10.15.04


Hey, I’m Chris and this is the Omega MidNews. I’m a day later and quite honestly, this edition is nothing to scream about, but it’s here, here it is, and there ya’ go.

I’m not sure, but this is looking to be a series of quick segments… many amusing, some insightful, all brilliant.

And we’re off….


Not a big deal, things like this happen, but a story got out about how WWE Announcer Lillian Garcia was so wasted from partying one night last week while the WWE was overseas that she overslept and missed the bus to the airport and had to grab a taxi to get their before being stranded.

Of course, she wasn’t PARTYING…. she was just up a bit too late at a Bible reading. Plus she forgot where the bus was parked and ended up waiting at the wrong spot… these WWE stars live CLEAN LIVES…. one shouldn’t be accused of misbehavior simply because of a few slight errors! THIS is the WWE… these are PROFESSIONALS!!

Drugs? Partying? BULL-F-ING-POOP! Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that the Raw locker room accounts for 40% of the recent cocaine revival that America is experiencing.

HOWEVER… if the story is true and Garcia did party a SMIDGE too hard, all this proves is that she isn’t an athlete… her system isn’t conditioned enough to be able to indulge in a little abuse without paying for it in the morning.

That’s all… Lillian ain’t exactly a spring chicken, ya’ know.

In any case, Lillian Garcia is pretty much the only girl IN this company that I have no interest in boning… (actually, I am rather non-plussed with Stacey Keibler either), so this story gets minimal attention from me.

Oh, and there is nothing wrong with a little blow now and then… Jesus, live a little, people. Try some crack too… I hear (*COUGHfleaHACK*)that it’s pretty cool.


Seeing how I’m writing this on Thursday night, I see no reason why I can’t report my thoughts on tonight’s Smackdown.

-What a boring f-ing show.

-No wonder Kurt Angle and the Undertaker are running the place.

-Who are all these damn kids?

-Heidenreich ain’t no Snitsky.

-I like how they give Rey Mysterio a semi-push once every few months.

-Luther Reigns ain’t no Tyson Tomko

-I don’t know half of these people.

-Kobe Bryant should be tossed in jail. Not for raping some white chick, but for bringing back the afro.

-Don’t look now, but JBL is getting over.

-I can’t watch this show all the way through… if Survivor didn’t suck this year, I wouldn’t have even bothered.

-This show NEEDS Triple H. Hunter would shake things up with his particular brand of spot protection.

-I REALLY am bored silly with this show. Make mine Raw!!

Anyway… now that the “recap” is completed, let’s get to the IMPORTANT stuff and see who got the spoilers up FIRST! WHO RULES THE WEEK??

TUESDAY October 12, 2004: 5:38 PM: Even with the NUTTY time zones that occur when they do this nonsense on another continent, it’s STILL Dave Scherer’s PWInsider that snuck the spoilers up first. Scherer’s resident ball sucker/ace reporter Mike Johnson who PERSONALLY posted these spoilers. If it weren’t for Mike Johnson, this site would be nothing but Scherer bragging about his intense work-out regime…. oh, wait.

Johnson had some fan in England text message him the results as they happened, and paid the guy for his trouble…. out of his own pocket. This means he’s a stupid motherf*cker.

FURTHERMORE, Scherer and Woodward, on their INSIPID audio show, gave hell to Joey Styles for stealing the news from Johnson… because Johnson was dumb enough to PAY for it. Well tough shit, grandpas! If your boy, Johnson is dumb enough to pay for spoilers that he could get in e-mail for free, then that’s HIS problem… not Styles. Go ahead, talk tough about suing. You can’t. No law is being broken. All you can do is what you do all the time and cry like a bitch. Wah Wah Wah… you guys will NEVER be Meltzer… and NONE OF YOU have the pure talent of Hyatte! Your site would be NOTHING without breaking news… NOTHING…. no talent for holding an audience on personality… none… f*ck you guys… drop dead… cocksuckers.

I bet Dave splashes on “Old Spice”. Not sure why, but he seems like an “Old Spice” guy… or maybe “Aqua Velva” when he wants to get wild.

TUESDAY October 12, 2004: 6:14:30 PM: Whoa! Not only did get the spoilers up mere MINUTES after Aqua Scherer, not only did they actually beat MELTZER to the punch, but… who posted the spoilers personally but JOEY STYLES!! Apparently, Joey has taken a more aggressive interest in his site as he is on a POSTING RAMPAGE!! Maybe he was fired fro his real job. Take it from me, online output is HEAVILY influenced on how much time you have waiting for your unemployment check.FINALLY… after WEEKS of humiliation.

Good for Styles! The man has no shame as he continues to prove that being the former voice of ECW earned him NOTHING… no connections, no inside sources within the business, nada… zilch. I, Chris Hyatte, have more connections than Joey Styles.


TUESDAY October 12, 2004: No time given: Mathew Michael, who had the balls to ask me to particpate in the Inside Pulse PPV Roundtable last week (I tried to turn him down gently, and failed), steals the spoilers from someone and gets them up here on the Pulse soon after Styles. Which isn’t exactly something to be REALLY proud of… but at least it’s better than the people we beat…

TUESDAY October 12, 2004: 7:55 PM: The funny part is NOT that Wade Keller’s PWTorch got their spoilers HOURS after Scherer and HOURS after Styles and half and hour after Meltzer, but Wade Keller spent CONSIDERABLE time in his ridiculous audio report (which is still MILES better than anything PW Insider puts out), MARVELING… and I mean goddam MARVELING about how QUICK he gets spoilers and news thanks to the Internet. Heh, many weeks, Wade doesn’t get a single damn spoiler at all until well after the show… yup, its damn quick, this Net thing… yup. Heh… another faggy geek.

TUESDAY October 12, 2004: No time given: Ashish at 411 decides that overkill is the way to go by stealing TWO Smackdown spoilers from TWO different sites. Heavy news… a new graphic lay-out… tons of writers…. break time is over for Ashish, the man is clearly motivated!

TUESDAY October 12, 2004: 10:12 PM: Oh dear… it’s not until Tuesday ALMOST becomes Wednesday when the Lords of Pain FINALLY cut and paste up the spoilers. I think what happened is that Calvin Martin, who usually does most of the spoiler posts, was in bed and juuuust about to fall alseep (Boy’s got a Trigonometry exam first period Wednesday… only fools wouldn’t rest up for that nightmare) when, all of the sudden, it dawned on him that the DOZENS of Lords of pain readers are currently SUFFERING because they didn’t have their spoilers! So Calvin had to do a little bit of tip toeing around the house in order to get to his computer and get those damn spoilers up before Mom & Dad catch him! But, damn it, the Loirds of Pain fans are WORTH a little curfew breaking… they are WORTH a potential grounding… they are WORTH no TV for a month! Dammit, you Lords of pain readers owe Calvin Martin a HUGE debt… he risked EVERYTHING to get those spoilers up! Dammit! Good for him!

So what did we learn?

1) Scherer likes cheap cologne and runs a site filled with whiney Meltzer-never-can-bes

2) Joey Styles hates to be embarrassed

3) Meltzer got caught asleep at the switch

4) If Ashish had been this proactive over the past year, me and Eric would still have a stranglehold on the 411 wrestling zone.

5) Keller is a seriously funny guy for MANY unintentional reasons

6) There is at least 1 Lord of Pain willing to risk his parent’s fury in order to make his site look legit.

Moses on a half-shell…. I LOVE this feature!


If you ever, and I mean EVER want to see firsthand an example of a bad businessman who thinks he’s a genius, look at Jeff Jarrett.

First of all, he opens dealings with Hulk Hogan, one of the canniest wrestling businessmen alive (and f*ck you if you don’t see that) and decides to go ahead and start an angle with him without signing any binding agreement. Hogan gave a verbal agreement, then realized just how nickel & dime TNA really is, and withdrew his ORAL commitment… leaving Jarrett and TNA with an angle that ended up going nowhere… with no hope for any satisfaction in sight.

THEN, he and his Daddy decide to pull out of their weekly PPV slot, which was costing them a LOT of money but at least was innovative and intriguing, in favor of buriying themsleves on some small time cable network with a time slot IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRIDAY AFTERNOON!! If it weren’t for Internet reporters, NO ONE would be talking about TNA.

THEN, he, as head of TNA’s creative team, continues to subscribe to the belief that the way to get everyone over on this one hour Friday afternoon show is 60 minutes of squash matches… jobbers… something that hasn’t been done since the 80’s. There is a reason “Southern Style” rasslin’ is a regional system and not the national norm… because Southern people were never accused of being too nitpicky… nor have they ever been accused of being very deep. They cater and build their product around the tastes of simple people. Which is why Dutch Mantel still has a f*cking pencil gig there.

THEN… Jarrett CONTINUES to write HIMSELF as the top worker in his own company. Triple H does this, but he does it in a more admirable, subtle way. Jarrett’s idea is to sit at a table and tell Bob Ryder to hire a new star every month to come in for a few weeks and get pinned. It’s easily the faster way for older wrokers who the WWE don’t want to make a fast buck. Come in, work once a week for a couple of months, get pinned by Jarrett, and go home.

FINALLY… because he REFUSES to learn from his past mistake, Jarrett goes ahead and starts an angle with Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, with Nash being ANOTHER one of the smartest wrestling businessmen alive (and Hall being smart enough to remain best friends with one of the smartest wrestling businessmen alive) WITHOUT SIGNING A DEAL WITH THEM!! With their HUGE first three hour Sunday PPV coming up, the Outsiders now have Jarrett by the short hairs… and Jarrett, idiot that he is, yanked down his own pants and GAVE HIS PUBES TO THEM! He placed their HANDS on his pubies and BEGGED them to yank!! Now Nash can negotiate whatever he wants with TNA and Jarrett almost HAS TO hand it over! What a buffoon… what a rube.

I hope you aren’t a fan of TNA becvause there is NO WAY this compnay is gonna last… no way in Hell.

I predict Jarrett will be laying down for Hurricane on Raw within 2 years.

Ugh… and you WONDER how Vince became a billionaire from this business…. he’s not even that smart.

Speaking of which…


Nope, haven’t heard from the man in a while. It is possible that he’s too busy.

Quite honestly, if he DID contribute every week, then I’d start doubting his legitimacy.


So, I was online the other day, minding my own damn beeswax when, completely out of nowhere…

SomeGuyx86 (11:38:50 PM): Baby, I regret that part of my life completely, and I’m sorry if you have to carry round certain thoughts and images. And if there were anything I could do to change it, I would. I love you always. Who I am now wants to be better for you every day. You are the pinnacle of any woman I have ever known, and that is why I have pledged myself to want to be with you for the rest of my life. Call me when you feel like it. I love you.

Hyatte1com (11:39:18 PM): huh?

SomeGuyx86 (11:39:35 PM): Baby?
Hyatte1com (11:39:50 PM): no

SomeGuyx86 (11:42:11 PM): my bad…
SomeGuyx86 (11:42:12 PM): shit

Heh… douchebag.

Looks like someone got caught with their PECKER IN THE COOKIE JAR!!!!!!!!!!

I only PRAY this isn’t one of those geeky little online ONLY situations.


Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:


Christopher Reeve?

How dare he remake “Rear Window”. The nerve. I’m glad he’s dead. Fuck him for ruining a classic. Fuck Christopher Reeve and f*ck you.

Flea: A man who disappears from the net for weeks, then crows about how reliable he is.


*Back during the very early days of man, tribal leaders used to declare that it was time for rest by opening their mouths very wide and moaning. The practice became so common it ended up becoming a reflex. That’s why we yawn.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.


Keep them coming.

I’m SURE that, by now, you know what you’ll be getting here… a whole mess of cool stuff, most of which you either A: never heard/read before or B: forgot all about it… thus memories are rekindled!

Either way, a nice line-up this week. Rock on.

01): So next week me and Sting have been signed to take on Harlem Heat. Will somebody please tell me who in the hell is Harlem Heat?– Flair: WCW Saturday Night ’93

02): How’s my extended family Jim? I forgot to tell ya, I don’t even give a damn about my own family, and I think even less of this sewer of human waste that sits before me! It’s easy to see why Jeffery Dahmer tried to consume this whole state from head to toe! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!– Brian Pillman to Jim Ross: WWF King Of The Ring ’96, (Milwaukee, Wisconsin)

03): Grappler just HIT Sandy Barr! He should be fined and suspended!

Who, Sandy Barr?

NO!! THE GRAPPLER!!– Don Coss and Scotty (Raven) the Body: Pacific Northwest Wrestling: 1989

04): Corino is old school!

That dye job is old school

It has a certain “flair”

I can’t believe you said that. If there was alcohol in your coffee cup I would swear you were Bobby Heenan– Cyrus and Joey Styles: ECW November to Remember ’99

05): I would wrestle Hulk Hogan when I’m 50 years old.– Bob Backlund

06): <Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, quite frankly, could be the perfect woman. But yet, you stand in front of her and look at her every week and say ‘I just wanna be her…friend.’ Now what kind of a guy stands in front of a hot woman and just wants to be her friend?– Triple H

What are you tryin’ to say?– Kurt Angle

I mean, you’d like to be friends with Steph. You’d like to hang out with Steph…you’d like to, maybe, go shopping for drapes with Steph. Hey, Kurt, look – don’t get upset, okay? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. This is the year 2000 – alternative lifestyles are perfectly acceptable in this day and age! Kurt, if you’re batting off the other side of the plate from the rest of us, that’s okay! And I understand – Kurt, I can understand you’re upset right now, okay? Maybe national television wasn’t a good place for me to call you out on this, but it explains a lot, Kurt – all the looks ya been givin’ me and the little smirks? I mean, who are you trying to get close to here?– HHH

And Hunter, try to go a week without accidentally hitting your wife, ok?– Angle

Ok. Try to go a match without hitting on me, ok?– HHH

07): Would it hurt if I told you that your mom was a $2 blow job whore? And would it hurt if I told you that Big Dick used to f*ck your father in jail?– Bubba Ray Dudley to some kid: ECW

08): Ken Shamrock has all his different holds. Well I’ve got news for you! I don’t know how to get out of a damn one of them! -Mankind: Raw ’98

09): You couldn’t beat my ass if the other half was helping you.– Test to Shane McMachon: Heat ’99

10): Ladies and Gentlemen the following matchup scheduled for 1 fall with a 15 minute time limit, and your referee is bald.– Joel Gertner

11): To tell you the truth, the promoters weren’t real good to me.– Haystacks Calhoun

12): S.D. Special Delivery Jones. You know, I never wanted to fight you only because fighting you would do absolutely nothing for my career– “Rowdy” Roddy Piper on Piper’s Pit .

Ahhh Hot Rod… once upon a time, he was the coolest motherfukka in the business… then he caught a scorching case of middle-aged acne and from their, straight down the el crapola.

So ends another rather quick edition of the Omega. But fret not, I still have an advice segment to take things home with. Do YOU need advice? Of course you do… you SUCK… I know this, you know this, ever4yone else reading this knows you suck… so keep reading and MAYBE, just MAYBE you’ll learn something… maybe… possibly.


It took a while, but now I have a pretty good backlog of questions to be addressed. Keep sending them in.

This week… I have four of them… starting with a rather sensitive, yet pretty gosh darn UNIQUE one from the normal stuff. We open up with a letter from a FEMALE… not only that, but a YOUNG female… not only that, but one who says she is TRISH STRATUS…. and this isn’t about boys either… and she’s from Canada. It’s a nice change of pace.

The questions will be plain text, my answers in bold.

hey chris!

i’m a long time reader and a chick who could use a bit of advice and i’ll get right to it. all you need to know about me is i’m 16 (on october 14, so wish my a happy b-day!) and a good, smart kid usually. so my question has to do with my family. background details of the situation goes when my parents were dating/engaged my grandmother did something to offend my mother pretty bad. it was something stupid, but knowing my mom’s character, it makes sense she’d overreact. also, apparently my grandparents weren’t very welcoming of her to the family so the bad blood continued to boil. eventually, when i was just a young and innocent tyke my dad told them he didn’t want them to see us (my two sisters and me) so that would have seemed to be the end of that, other than getting a card and check on special occasions.

suddenly my great-great-grandfather croaks and my mom mentions to my dad maybe it would be a good idea for us to meet them. so my dad mentions this to the grandparents and they pretty much make plans, but my mom didn’t know until they’re made, which makes her feel like they planned this shit “behind her back” to an extent. now i have the option of meeting them, but i’m pretty indifferent to the situation and don’t give much of a damn. another thing i want to mention is when plans were made for great-great-grandaddy, my grandmother called to tell my dad, and i was home by myself and had to answer it. talking to her just breifly then got me really worked up and pissed off over the circumstances, so i guess so i’m pretty surprised that after given the chance to meet them, i don’t give a shit either way. the only reason i can think of to meet them is they’re pretty loaded and i need money to pay for university in a couple of yea! rs. But on the flipside, my grandmother didn’t sound to enthusiastic about meeting me during our quick conversation. Also, as a kid hoping to see my grandparents at x-mas and not getting to, i was pretty hurt and i don’t want those subconscious feelings to resurface and i don’t want to get involved with family politics. and lastly, i have no idea what to expect but i won’t expand on that cuz this is long enough.

so with that, who better to ask for a bit of advice than the sexiest web columnist on the net, whose advice kicks ass. a little ass-kissing can’t hurt cuz the sooner i get your take on this the better. and you better have a column tomorrow or you’ll ruin my f*cking birthday… and what better b-day gift could i get than your response?

– Trish Stratus… aka Amber from Canada

Wait a second… YOU’RE Trish?? YOU’RE the one I’ve been talking to off and on for the last two years!?!?

Ya know, that actually makes a LOT of sense.

It’s okay to feel indifferent to meeting your grandparents. You never met them. They didn’t exactly sire you, they sired your father. There is no bond there. They are strangers to you, and after sixteen years of having this negative image of them installed into your head, you can’t possibly have anything but some vague obligation that you have to love them. So no, you don’t have to give a shit about them. Besides, they’re OLD, yo… what could you possibly have to talk about?

That said – it won’t hurt to meet them. Not because of any possible financial benefits (if they are like all the other old bags out there, they already have you covered in their will, unless they’re nuts and gave it all to the church.), but just so you can find out who was the world class bitch in this family feud – you’re parents or them.

If you do decide to meet them, I will advise that old people are pretty set in their ways, so you only need one meeting to find out who they are. If they are cranky assholes or sweet wrinkled folks who smell like moldy drapes, you’ll only need one meeting to figure it out. Old people aren’t the type to put on a happy face at first. They’re too tired for that sort of fronting.

If anything, do it for the old man. He’s more than likely proud of you and wants to show you off to his parents.

And happy birthday, snookie. Look me up in a year. We’ll do some business.

Dude, I could use your advice. I’ll try to make this as short as possible.

Her name is Hilary, and I’ve known her for probably 2 and a half years now. At first we just chatted online. It was the usual internet banter, and then we finally met. Went on a few dates, and eventually started dating. Timing was terrible though, as her college intern program took her all the way down to Florida to work for that slave-driving f*ck, Mickey Mouse. So from August 1st of 2002 until January of 2003, we never saw each other save for one time when she flew back up here in October 2003. Little to her knowledge, I was pretty much doing as many girls as I could in her absence. At first I thought I felt kind of bad until she started talking about this guy Matt that she met down there. At first they used to only play video games. Then she started confessing that he would suggestively touch her. Later she admitted to being drunk and making out with him. Needless to say that made me feel a lit! tle better about my own transgressions.

Anyway, in June of 2K3, I finally called it off. Decided that it would be best to be friends. By this point, though, we had built up some bills together, so I had to stay in some kind of contact with her to settle debts. In August, we decided to be roommates. I dont need your advice on this part, because in hindsight, it was a HUGE error. It wasnt so bad at first… then came Lynn. Lynn was this 18 year old, 5’3″ hottie with long dark hair and the roundest ass that J-Lo would love to still have. Needless to say, everytime Lynn came over, Hilary would hit the hills, either by retreating to her room or getting in her car and driving off. I guess Hilary wasnt over me. Eventually my living with Hilary drove a rift between myself and Lynn, and the imminent breakup occured.

I’ll stop here and fill in some gaps, I broke up with Hilary in the first place for a few reasons. She only had one boyfriend before me, and she is extremely clingy. I try to get across to her that guys HATE being smothered, but she finds it necessary to try to be attached to my hip every possible second. In the same sense though, I used to love having Lynn attached to my hip at every turn. It probably had something to do with the fact that she was 130 lbs, and Hilary has fluctuated between 180 and 160 over the years I have known her. I conveyed this information to Hilary in the best manner possible, and surprisingly, she started to work out and try to lose weight so that she could measure up to Lynn. I was game, in part because I was tired of dating the fat chicks, and in part because I am intrigued to see if she can actually pull it off. I figured since we got along so great, if s! he became physically attractive to me again, we could hit it off.

So here is what I need advice on: Hilary and I are “dating” again, she even bought me a 50-inch Plasma TV to show her love for me. We have also concocted and signed this “agreement/contract”. The provisions of the contract include different things that will either advance or destroy the relationship. She wants me to allow her to be more clingy, err, affectionate, and I want her to look like Christy Hemme, of RAW Diva fame (Or as close as possible. She’s already got the redhead part down, at least). If either of us arent making an effort to do our part of the agreement, then it’s considered a deal-breaker, and we go our separate ways. At least I get to keep the TV even if we break up, lol… Anyway, what should I do? Should I stick around in the hopes that she actually does slim down, or should I just call it off now? After all, there’s no guarantee that if she does become physically attractiv! e again that I will even want here, ya know? Your advice is welcome.

Virgil W.

An “agreement/contract”…. AWWWWWWW… how cute…. how ADORABLE!

You know, true love means you don’t CARE what he or she looks like. It’s the WHOLE PACKAGE.

If I were you, I would try to figure out the best way to break her heart as cleanly and as painlessly as possible. It’s gonna happen. We both know this. Might as well be somewhat nice and plan out the way to do it without killing her.

You’re being a prick, you know – major league asshole. I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but you are. You’re using the girl’s heart to score free stuff.

And are YOU in the best possible shape, my man? Are you a super-model?

She won’t slim down, or if she does it’ll only be temporary.

You’re not into her, yet you’re letting her think there’s a shot. Pretty cold, amigo. Whether or not this bothers you is a testiment to what sort of man you are.

Be a man, handle this mess and remember that there is a real live human with real live emotions you’re using here.

Hey Hi-8, Got a situation for your Wiseness.

A few years ago I dated a girl I thought was “The One”. I was off a pretty long period of uncontrollable promiscuity and got more than my fair share of boobies and pussies. I thought I was out of it when I met… hum… let’s call her Mandy. She was beautiful, she had brains, she had some life experience (same age as I was, 19) and she could talk. I love to exchange ideas, and I’ve kicked out of my house many a blonde giggling bar-picked up girl ‘cuz she only talked about shopping and the last episode of Friends. So Mandy could talk, think, f*ck, and spend some quiet time.

We moved together and for a year and a half, it was freakingly good. We actually considered marriage, but postponed it a few years because we were both in college.

Then she got pregnant. Then our downstairs neighbor committed suicide. Then she had a miscarriage. Then we moved out.

Then it just crumbled. Within 4 months, she had been into a depression, changed her circle of friends, met some guy in her class and cheated on me with the guy while I had gone to bed. Meaning, in our own appartment.

Needless to say… it lasted 12 more hours, and I was out of there. There wasn’t much animosity, however : she just said she didn’t love me anymore, that she loved the other guy, and she asked me to leave the appartement. I obliged (after asking her for a hefty amount of money…) and got the f*ck out of there. Then I cried my heart out, threw a fit, got some counselling, put the wrong things right, and moved on. I didn’t have a choice. So I changed my lifestyle, went to the gym more often, got to meet new people at school and kept in touch with old friends… met a wonderful lady, had a good time for two years, broke up when she left for Madrid to work, and met my current girlfriend, with whom I developped, over the couple and sex things, a very strong friendship. And we love each other… very quietly.

I’ve never felt this before, and I would propose her tomorrow if it wasn’t for the other zillion things I got in my life.

Plus if she’s someone I could live my life with, marriage can wait a few more years, can it ?

So everything’s fine, until last week. I work on campus for the University, and I get to walk around a lot. And last week, I caught a glimpse of Mandy. I hadn’t seen her in over two years, and she hasn’t changed much. She was holding hands with the guy I previously talked about. I shouldn’t have felt anything. I mean, I got a girl, a job, a fascinating subject of research, and probably a cool future.

Yet, I zoned out. I nearly snapped, something that hasn’t happened to me since I was twelve. I felt a rush of anger, my fists clenched so hard I have four little scars on each palm, I felt dizzy and had to be helped to a seat by a (goddam pretty) sophomore. I barely remember calling my boss, saying I was off to my appartment and taking a sick leave for the rest of the week.

Since then, I’ve been filled with a quite incomprehensible need to punch her. Phyiscally punch her. Punch her hard. And punch her repeatedly. I’d leave the guy alone, though : as stupid as it may sound, the guy simply saw a girl he liked, made his move and won the hand. Fair game.

Then why do I have this sudden urge to pour fresh cement over her and then free her with a sledgehammer, rinse, and repeat until she dies ? Why is it the first time I have consciously the will to kill somebody ? And last but not least… why is it that I consciously know things are done, that I can’t see any reason why I should hate her, and yet she gets to be the first person I ever really HATED ?

Thanks for the help, dude.


Oh, it’s because your ego took a hit, and you aren’t used to that, Mr. Playa.

You were dumped for someone better than you. Someone who did aeverything better than you. You weren’t good enough. Someone was better. Someone took you to school.

Then you bottled all that up and thought it was contained. You’re problem is that you hoped… HOPED that “Mandy” (yeesh, that brings back a few memories), would have a miserable, horrible life without you… yet there she wasm holding hands, smiling, content, moving along in a post-YOU life. How DARE she.

AND you probably had a shitload of things you wanted to say to her that you didn’t say. You’re ego wanted to give her a piece of its mind. You never got a chance and it all bottled up inside, waiting.

Just take some deep breathes, smoke a doobie, mellow out, and understand that not every relationship is forever…. in fact, most of them ain’t. We’re too busy loving ourselves to REALLY love anyone else. And before you scream, “But I don’t love myself THAT much!” let me point out that your ego is so wounded and outraged that it wishes to cause her physical pain. And the ego is nothing but self-love.

Mellow out. This happens to everyone. The f*ck makes you think you’re so special?

I have a problem on my hands, Mr. Hyatte. Y’see I really like girls and all but I have a confidence issue. I just can’t work up the esteem to-

Nah, I’m kidding. Actually: What’s a good way to break up? I’ve always thought a phone call was best but I’ve been accused of “chickenshitting” doing it that way. Why drag someone out of their house to personally embarass them? A call is quick and as painless as possible. What do you think?


You owe it to her to break up face to face. End of story.

And end of column! Cool beans.

I’m off to drop into a coma. Very busy month for me. Extremely busy. Jammin’.

This is Hyatte