TNA Impact 10/8/04
Bidness! BIDNESS!!!!
Sorry, I still can’t get last week’s Dusty promo out of my mind. The man is a GENIUS, I tells ya, a GENIUS!
We start with a recap of last week’s tag match. Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs! Then AJ won the 6 man, remember that? The one where everyone idiotically jumped to their doom? Yeah, that one. And they say the “O” word a couple times.
“Who will face Jarrett at Victory Road?” wonders Tenay. Beats me, I still don’t know who can stop the path of rage, or who dropped the cinder block on Stone Cold. And who DID raise that damn briefcase? Was that ever explained? But I digress.
The World Title Tournament starts this week, and Piper too!
Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy, 1st round, #1 contender tournament
Jeffycakes still has the day glo colonoscopy open. Hardy poses to the crowd, Abyss jumps in and mistakes Hardy’s posing for a epileptic fit, pauses for a moment, then starts pounding on him. That looked REALLY weird, but it’s a Hardy, so I’ve learned not to ask. Hardy tries to come back with little guy on big guy stuff, and eats shoe. Did I mention I would have Abyss squash Hardy into a fine gooey paste in about 90 seconds? Of course, that’s just me. Tenay brings up the idiotically, painfully stupid “There’s A Judge In The House Just In Case” angle and show Larry Z pondering thoughtfully in the bag. The 6 sided ring I don’t hate as much as I thought I would, but this Judge thing is just another lame variation of the Evil And/Or Incompetent GM.
Hardy kicks his way back to turn the tide, then tells the referee to get on all fours as Abyss is in the corner. The referee idiotically, painfully stupidly does, allowing Hardy to use him as a ramp to jump off of to hit Abyss with a Leg Drop in the corner. I would make the LSD joke again, but nobody appears to get it.
Anywho, Abyss to the outside but Hardy is caught coming over the top. Abyss the rams him into the ring post. I would too if he just used the ref as a ramp on ME. And has Scott Keith made the joke yet about Hardy telling the ref to get down on all fours? Let’s go to commercial”¦.
They run a promo to show us TNA has Six Appeal and WWE is square. Of course, they count Six Points Of Impact as a plus instead of a minus, so what do they know.
We come back with Abyss hunched over Hardy, and the jokes just write themselves. Apparently we missed Hardy with a Jawbreaker and Abyss with a clotheslines, because complete matches are square. Abyss tosses Hardy around, yet strangely nothing has happened, except for the Entire Front Row chanting “Black Hole Slam”. Abyss brings the chain into the ring, but Hardy wraps him up with it. I am now convinced Hardy booked this match himself. Hardy then sends Abyss down by use of the chain, then leg drops him in the nuts, both right in front of the referee. Drop kick, stomp in the corner, top rope corkscrew gets two. Twist of Fate countered into the Racker Dropper for two. Get it? Racker Dropper? Eh, bite me. Abyss goes up for a second, but Hardy wriggles free into a Sorta Twist Of Fate, Swanton misses. Yaaaah Bah Gawd The Choke slam except Hardy rolls through for the pin. * The first 5 minutes of this was textbook bad, and had they been given 5 more minutes they might have been able to save it. Abyss and Hardy do NOT mesh well, and Hardy DOESN’T need to be in the title picture. Let the title be the focus, and put Hardy into a secondary feud with Raven or Monty or even the O People.
We go backstage to see D’Amore yelling at Larry Z. Larry says they need to earn it and not whine. Preach the word Brother Larry!
Another Empire Saint promo. Here’s another free booking idea for a new heel. Put him in a room for 72 hours with nothing to do but watch clips of Ned Flanders. Gold.
Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs (Daniels & Storm) vs. Kid Kash and Dallas
BUT WAIT! After the champs come out first, Team Canada jumps them. Team C has Some New Guy. Anywho, Chris Harris comes out (without Skipper) to help, but that doesn’t go well. Skipper comes in and it’s broken down. Team Canada needs to watch some old Horsemen videos to learn how to REALLY do a beat down. 3LK comes in for the save.
Up after these commercials! Six Points Of Impact! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This week’s Six Points is so important that Hammond can’t be bothered to show up. At Victory Road, 20 man X Division match. Confirmed so far are Shane, Kazarian, Sabin, Shelley, and Jerelle Clark.
Roderick Strong vs. AJ Styles
They do some amt stuff to start and a Drop Kick gets Strong Outside. Styles with the Plancha Fakey, and when he ends up on the mat he runs, launches himself in a somersault over the ring post onto Strong. Ok, that was really cool. Drop Toe Hold by AJ, body slam, knee drop. The ref gets in the way, letting Strong get an eye poke. AJ ends up on the apron again, and eats a kick when he tries to launch him back in through the ropes. Strong pulls him in face down with his legs still draped on the second rope. Strong then hits AJ with a Pedigree, but instead of hitting the mat AJ’s face hits Strong’s knees. Owies. That gets two. Strong then gets a Uranage, again ending it with AJ’s back on his knee. Strong with a Straight Jacket Submission, then some kicks. AJ pops back up and wails on Strong, but the Clash gets countered. AJ then gets the Springboard Inverted DDT for 3. ** ½ They let Strong get tons of offense, enough so that he might be in line for the mini push that usually lasts about 2 or 3 matches.
They have That Disembodied Voice do the Piper intro instead of Tenay, which is kinda weird. Anywho, here’s Roddy. He’s here cuz of the wrestling fan. Big Bossman was his friend. Big Bossman saved his life. Piper has been in the ring with them all. He lives next to a volcano. He’s come to see the hurricane survivors. Free speech! Free at last! His literal words, not mine. He invented In The Pit With Piper. At Victory Road he will have a guest, and THEY will be able to say whatever THEY want. If you can get through Piper, maybe a star you are. It might be Kobe Bryant, Hulk Hogan, Michael Jackson, he really doesn’t know. He was made of people like this. He has been to the mountaintop, and he ain’t comin’ down. Well, that’s for sure. If you come Into The Pit With Piper, you do not throw rocks at someone with a machine gun.
Wha?
I need to come back to this later.
Let’s go to the back with Shane Douglas and AMW.
Apparently it’s Those Crazy Mismatched Tag Champs and Those Other Guys. Harris says the four of them need to work together to keep Team C from da belts. TCMTC agree to give Team C a title match.
We come back to Shane Douglas and Jericho’s Evil Twin (w/ the belt but not El Kabong) Jarrett is amused by the tournament, and Shane does his Evil Heel Chuckle. We’ve now moved from outsiders to The Outsiders, and Jarrett wonders whose side they will be on. Jarrett says there’s only one side to be on, and that’s Jarrett’s. Jarrett concludes that TNA is Planet Jarrett and has given his Global Warning. Alrighty then.
Raven (in straightjacket) vs. Monty Brown – Round 1 #1 contender match
Tenay and West try to crack Jarrett’s code about THE Outsiders. Do you now see why so many people get hit over the head with steel chairs in wrestling? Anywho, they lock up and both push the ref away. Raven eats a couple kicks and clotheslines, then bails. He comes back with a steel chair, having seen Hardy not get disqualified earlier. He gets his chair taken away (FAVORITISM!) allowing Monty to take over, as Raven bails AGAIN. Let’s go to commercial, because TNA’s editors and producers don’t give a crap.
We come back and Tenay tells us how Raven has turned the match around on the outside. Screw you. Raven with a Leg Sweep into the guard rail, then back into the ring. Clothesline gets two for Raven. Monty fights back with about 20 punches, put puts his head down, and we all know not to do THAT. Clothesline and knee lifts by Raven, and the announcers are STUPEFIED that Monty is at such a disadvantage. Monty with even more punches. The crowd starts with the boring. Monty goes for his first non punch move of the match, which means he eats a super kick. Raven goes for the chair again, which ends up with Raven and the ref getting smooshed. Raven is ok and sets up the chair and hits the drop toe hold on the chair. A chair shot is missed allowing Monty to get the Pounce for the win. * I’ve been a big supporter of Monty, and think he’s as entitled as much as anyone on TNA’s roster to a title shot, but this match he looked horrible, hitting nothing but punches. Jarrett and Hardy come out for the big multi way stare down as we end the show.
Piper.
This was the second straight week in a row that a veteran gave a Strangely Hypnotic Interview. Where Dusty’s came off as Funny Ha Ha this one had this creepy kind of Funny Uh Oh vibe to it. I am convinced that whenever TNA has a bonafide legend like Dusty or Piper or whoever do a promo, they just give them the main plot points and let them wing it. Of course Dusty completely forgot the main plot points in his promo, even to the point of accidentally rewriting history. Piper’s ramblings at least got the main point across, that he will be interviewing SOMEBODY at Victory Road, and the fact that the only people that DON’T know who the “surprise” guests are are Tenay, West, and, apparently, Piper.
