The Weekly Music Pulse: The Saturday Swindle Sheet #65

Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Terminal 5 art project. The former TWA terminal, which has been dormant since 2001, now houses a series of exhibitions under the theme of “the transitory nature of travel, architecture and contemporary art.” Also, according to the exhibit’s website, “Sculpture, installation, sound, performance and other media take place within the luggage carousels, ticket counters, VIP lounges, staircases and the tunnel walkway. The terminal also hosts an airport media lounge, airport gift shop and ongoing ‘Arrivals,’ a series of public events.” The most recent event occurred last week, and it was a group discussion hosted by Brian Eno, who spoke with guests about his classic instrumental disc, Ambient 1: Music for Airports. Yusef Islam was reportedly unvited.

I have felt like crap for most of this week. For some reason I’ve had that achy, tingly, fatigued feeling that you get right at the beginning of the flu, but for the past five days, and I still haven’t come down with any other symptoms. I was dragging ass so much on Friday that I couldn’t even muster up enough energy to go out and drink. Luckily, though, I was at home enough to crank out a pretty decent sized column.

I sent my gal pal a dozen roses on Saturday for Sweetest Day, and I also had some girl say happy Boss’s Day to me at work. Which holiday is much useless, Sweetest Day or Boss’s Day? Hrmm… get your girlfriend something nice and hope for a night of wild animal sex, or kiss ass with your boss and hope to get a raise?

In other news, I have decided that I will be Slash for Halloween. I bought a top hat and wig last night at work, and I plan to get some sunglasses sometime next week. The plan is to be drinking that whole weekend with my friends, with it all culminating on Sunday at our goth favorite bar. There will be pictures. Stay tuned.

THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 7 of 16)
Kraftwerk, “The Model”

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Read all of your favorite InsidePulse music writers, whom I have likened to popular Campbell’s soup varieties…

Bean with Bacon has a possible Lancelot Link reference and a story about 50 Cent in the same column. I smell trouble! Also, his boss reprimanded him this past week for doing too good a job at work. The last time I got reprimanded at work was for shouting, “If I can’t get my lunch break in the next 20 minutes somebody’s face is getting kicked in” in front of a whole crowd of customers. I also got yelled at when I called my boss “cheese weasel” for not offering us those chain mail gloves when we had to slice meat. Eight months later, this happened at that very same establishment. That karma’s a bitch, bitch.

Chicken Noodle-Os integrates hairstyles and music into a damn good piece. Also, he looks like Craig David. Little known fact: someone once told 50 Cent that he looked like Mathan Erhardt. When he found out about this, Craig David cried for an entire week, only stopping to change beanies.

Tomato hits you with his usual Wednesday chock full of metal news and pictures. Yeah, he is a big fan of pictures. So am I, so here’s one…

Cream of Mushroom[chen] gives you a breakdown of songs that helped mold her into the childless music fan that we all know and love right now. SPOILER ALERT! Dream Theater is mentioned!!

Split Pea with Ham and Bacon is doing a damn good job with Mondays ever since that other guy decided to stop showing up. The other day I was at this bar and mentioned to some random smart chick that I know this guy Gordi Whitelaw who writes a really good column for InsidePulse.com (where I also happen to write). Two hours later I having some of the best sex I’ve ever had; not because I mentioned that I write for this site, but because Gordi’s column helps you score with smart people.

I have no idea who Leyna is, but she did a very good tribute piece on Green Day. It has pictures. I really like the cover of the new Green Day CD. It has a 1960s paperback feel to it. Because of my love for pictures, here’s another picture, this time of the president yelling at a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet when he asked Bush why he always makes stupid faces in public.

Gloomy is a lean, mean CD reviewing machine!
Helmet
Robby Roadsteamer
Duran Duran

…and D’Estroyer is still the forum post champ!
Nightwish
William Shatner

NEWS TO USE

Michael Jackson is reportedly very angry after finding out about Eminem’s newest music video, in which the rapper portrays him in a less than favorable manner. The video for “Just Lose It” features Eminem dressed as Jackson, with several small boys surrounding him and jumping around on beds. The song also contains the line, Come here little kiddie, on my lap. Guess who’s back with a brand new rap…, that reportedly infuriated Jackson, especially seeing as he’s in the midst of facing charges for child molestation. Jackson has called on all music channels to pull the video, and so far the only one to officially announce that they have done so is BET. According to a spokesperson for Jackson, as told to a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “Michael Jackson is very angry. He feels that Eminem has crossed the line … Michael feels the video is disrespectful and offensive … it’s one thing to spoof someone, it’s another to be completely insensitive and disrespectful. The part that really made us mad was when Eminem portrayed Mr. Jackson as stripped naked and curled up in a fetal position inside of a car-shaped water bed while having one child urinate on his face as the other throws peeled strawberries at his buttocks. That could be no further from the truth, because Mr. Jackson has children throw peeled grapes at his buttocks.”

According to British music rag Q, the original Pink Floyd lineup will be reuniting next year to play a “series of lucrative shows.” Seeing as Q is the only publication that is treating this like anything more than a rumor, it seems like a bit of a stretch. Roger Waters had unsuccessfully sued former band mates David Gilmour and Nick Mason in 1986 to prevent them from billing themselves as “Pink Floyd” without him in the lineup, which was one of many incidents to add to the already existing bitterness betwixt the two sides. One can also cite the time in 1988 when Waters left a bag of flaming shit on Mason’s doorstep, rang the bell, and ran away, as well as the time when Waters saw Gilmour at a KFC in King’s Cross and didn’t say hi.

The first Holiday Havoc festival is set for November 13th and 14th in the parking lot of Angel Stadium in Anaheim, California. The event will feature a snowboard and skateboard theme, with vendors all around demonstrating and selling their newest items, as well as an impressive lineup of hip-hop and rock favorites. Artists confirmed so far are A Tribe Called Quest, Cypress Hill, The Buzzcocks, The Offspring, The Distillers, Jurassic 5, Pennywise, Jaylib, Finch, Little Brother, MC Supernatural, and CMA. Tickets are now available on Ticketmaster Uber Alles.

BITS ‘N’ PIECES

Eric Clapton had his driver’s license confiscated in Thursday by French police after being caught going 53 miles over the posted speed limit in the town of Merceuil. He was ordered to pay a $922 fine, which he paid on the spot, and had to have his secretary (who was with him at the time) drive the car for the rest of their trip. A court hearing next week will determine how long Clapton’s driving privileges will be suspended for.

Britney Spears announced on her fan site this Friday that she is planning to take a break from her music career, and focus more on her husband and starting a family. In other words, 50 Cent looks like a spotted owl.

Synth-rock band Franz Ferdinand will be contributing some ch00ns to the soundtrack for the next Harry Potter, and according to singer Alex Kapranos, they may even make a cameo as a band of “ugly sisters,” which are featured in the script. 50 Cent will also be featured as a talking bale of hay. He will need no makeup or costume at all, because he already looks like a talking bale of hay.

The brand new music video from Prince, to go along with his rendition of “Cinnamon Girl,” is set to get everyone up in arms in a futile attempt to regain some of his heat. The video stars a young Arab-American girl who gets frustrated with anti-Arab sentiments that she sees on a day-to-day basis. At the end of the video, these feelings culminate in the girl dreaming about detonating a bomb in a crowded airport. Oh boy…

Former Queens of the Stone Age band mates Josh Homme and Nick Oliveri, who had a bitter falling out when Homme kicked Oliveri out of the band last February, are apparently back on speaking terms. The two were seen “embrac[ing], talk[ing], laugh[ing] and smil[ing] after Homme’s side project Eagles of Death Metal had performed at Silverlake Spaceland in Los Angeles. According to sources close to the two, the makeup sex was outstanding.

The upcoming Nirvana box set will have 68 unreleased tracks on it. 67 of these will be demos and alternate versions that you really won’t give a shit about, and the one remaining track will be a cover of “Grazin’ in the Grass,” which Spin magazine will proclaim as the best song in the history of the universe.

On November 7th, Manhattan’s Hard Rock Café will be featuring an auction filled with a whole mess of hard rock paraphernalia. Major items that will be featured include the 1989 MTV Music Award Video that Guns N’ Roses received for “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” the original cover art for Anthrax’s State of Euphoria, a jumpsuit worn by Eddie Van Halen, and a rubber mallet signed by Jason Newsted that you can use to beat Lars Ulrich over the head.

Master P, the horrid rapper/producer who played with the American Basketball Association’s Las Vegas Rattlers last year, has signed on to play with the Long Beach Jam, another team in the league. This past summer, he had been invited to work out with the Sacramento Kings, where, according to Master P, “I was excited that I got to wear my P. Miller clothing, now available at such crunk joints as Kohl’s and Value City.”

Jamie Foxx has signed a record contract with Clive Davis’ J Records imprint. The album will be released in mid-2005, and will contain a cover of Ray Charles’ “I’ve Got a Woman.”

THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX

This week’s featured contributor is Mike Lawrence, from InsidePulse’s TV section…

I suffer the same problem as Gloomchen in that I’ve never been able to relax. I often get extremely depressed, and wander around all day with sweaty palms. Perhaps it’s that inherent Jewish neuroticism coming into play. I even get turned down in my own sexual fantasies.

Anywho, as such, the closest I come to relaxing is thinking deeply or writing in which I can imagine I’m somewhere else besides the sadness that is my life. Wait, that’s not relaxing at all!! See what I mean? So what I decided to do was pick songs that I listen to while thinking or writing late in the night. You can listen to it sequentially as a mix (It makes for a good walking soundtrack) or pick and choose.

Heatmiser, “Untitled (Not Half Right)”
Truly the beginning of the end in my eyes of one of the greatest geniuses music has ever known, Elliot Smith. Its the last not so secret secret track on Mic City Sons”, the final album to come from Elliot’s band Heatmiser (which also included Sam Coomes of the awesome Quasi) before he would embark full time on a solo career he had already begun with Roman Candle and his self-titled album. This song is about 2 things- That haunting lullaby-like guitar intro at the beginning that continues throughout and the soft but steady drumming that carries it through. If Heatmiser had to end, I’m glad it was given a proper sendoff. Its certainly better than Smiths last album, the disappointing From a Basement on the Hill.

Azure Ray, “If You Fall
If the Sirens of Greek myth actually existed, they’d be Azure Ray. They’re soothing and hypnotic at the same time and their harmonizing is wondrous, as is evident on this, one of their bouncier tracks.

John Vanderslice, “Promising Actress”
A song about Mulholland Drive that’s actually better than the entire movie. Love the chimes at the beginning. Vanderslice should just do an album of songs inspired by David Lynch movies.

Ed Harcourt, “Hanging with the Wrong Crowd”
While being an apt singer and writer, I think Harcourt shines brightest as a producer. This is a wonderfully simple pop song, with all the right bells and whistles.

Nick Drake, “Northern Sky”
A soundtrack featuring music of the night, could not be included without a track from Drake’s Bryter Layter, my favorite album to listen to in the wee hours of the night. This is my favorite track, and Drake certainly joins Elliot Smith in the singer/songwriters that were gone too soon category. If sadness and suffering are the price an artist must be to produce works such as this, maybe it is worth it after all. I still can’t listen to the line, Will you love me when I’m dead without swelling up a bit.

Gary Jules, “Ghosts”
Jules is primarily known as that guy who sings “Mad World” at the end of Donnie Darko, but believe, there’s a lot more to him than an 80s cover. Just give “Ghosts” a whirl, with its philosophical lyrics, that affirm my love for good folk music.

Nellie McKay, “Won’t U Please Be Nice”
McKay is brilliant in the way she can assume different characters and musical styles that properly accentuate them. Here Nellie crafts a soft Jazz song in the vain of “Dancing Cheek To Cheek” except she’s an evil wife that spouts such lyrics to her husband as “together well always live, no sin or vice, well vote conservative. This song further affirms my fear of women and further converts me to my eventual new life as a homosexual.

The Decemberists, “A Cautionary Song”
Nothing like a good story song. I don’t want to give to much away as to spoil the song, but suffice it to say a mother makes a great sacrifice every night so her children can eat collard-greens. And it’s got an accordion keeping the pace throughout. What’s not to love?

Rilo Kiley, “August”
I’m sick of this band being referred to as the one with the ex-child stars. It’s a solid indie-rock combo and this is a solid three-minute indie rock song that rolls right along. I miss the three-minute rock song almost as much as I miss the ninety-minute movie.

The Weakerthans, “Greatest Hits Collection”
If someone wrote this song to me, I’d kill myself. Right there and then, Elliot Smith nine-stabs-in-the-heart-style. It’s absolutely brutal. Crack your skull before you weep, and I’ll try to keep some part of me sincere and yet at other times insightful. A crappy tape deck somewhere plays a greatest hits collection, of strange and tender moments lost, stranded and forgotten. I hope we all get to ours someday.

Son Ambulance, “Katie Come True”
The guitar work on this song is equally good. Its a bit long at six and a half minutes, but it all fits well, and even the reprise at the end seems natural, befitting the singers overall mood of desperation in the song.

M. Ward, “Color of Water”
Imagine the gravelly grooves of Tom Waits voice toned down a bit, mixed in with some masterful acoustic work, and you’ve got M. Ward, another musician whose music suits the night. You can listen to this song only for the guitar and its still just as good.

Placebo, “Commercial for Levi”
How many well-done anti-drug songs are there? As someone who proudly doesn’t drink or smoke (Don’t worry, I don’t consider myself straight edge, *shudder*) its nice to hear a song that bemoans someone destroying themselves. Ill have to have this song put on a loop for my diabetic father the next time he tries to eat a dozen donuts and just play the lyric please don’t die on a constant loop.

Call Florence Pow, “Late Tonight”
A collaboration from one of the They Might Be Giants guys(I always mix them up) and members of the band Self, this is a song that sounds nothing like anything from either band or anything else on the album. Just a short, sweet, jazzy love song.

Christine Fellows, “Vedas Waltz”
I’m a sucker for violins and Canadians, and this song has them both. And it really does work as a waltz, so if you can actually dance, unlike me you’ll doubly enjoy it.

Black Velvet Flag, “I Shot J.F.K.”
When I was going through my desperate punk phase in high school I purchased a lot of those compilations that had tons of songs on them for a low price. One such comp was Go-Kart Vs. The Corporate Giant Volume #1. I proceeded to listen to it and thought it was pedestrian until this song, track #13 kicked in. I was astonished. The only original song from a lounge act that does punk covers (it must be heard to be believed), this song would define the direction I’d take as a listener. Its also the first song I danced to with my former girlfriend (and now just best friend) Christine).

The Dresden Dolls, “The Jeep Song”
We go from lounge punk to cabaret punk. Amanda Palmer from the Dresden Dolls, with her mismatched outfits and Joker face paint is the object of all my fantasies. Hot, talented, and wacky. This is the obsessive love song to end all obsessive love songs. A girl gets abused by her former lover, some schmuck that drives a black Jeep Cherokee, so now wherever she goes she sees black Jeeps. Don’t worry Amanda, be with me and you wont have to worry about jeeps. I don’t even drive.

Death Cab for Cutie, “Death of an Interior Decorator”
Ben Gibbard writes some of the best bridges in music. Ill often rewind the tracks a bit just to hear them over and over again, as with this little ditty. He’s got a distinct non-threatening voice, and I always enjoy the way he pronounces things. It’s good to see Death Cab get some heightened exposure on the “Vote for Change Tour.” Now if only they could get him in a room with the girls from Azure Ray. They could just call the album Ambience and be done with it.

Ben Folds, “Songs of Love”
A cover of a Divine Comedy song that blows the original out of the water. Piano fits the song better than the guitar on the original, and the sweeping strings give it a nice touch. I’m a fan of songs about artistry; songs that lyrically focus on the beauty of writing, composing, etc. Anytime I question why I write, I pop this in and my answer is perfectly clear. And who can resist the carpe diem message so sing while you still can”!

“Belle and Sebastian, “Rollercoaster Ride”
The perfect song to listen to right before you drift off into sleep. Very dreamlike, and I like how different instruments subtly sneak into the song and pileup to create this beautiful crescendo at the end. It’s a very cyclical song in that you can listen to it over and over again in a row and after awhile you won’t be able to distinguish the beginning from the end. I remember seeing B&S live, screaming loudly for them to do this song but sadly they never did.

Thanks to Mike Lawrence for taking part in the only Saturday night feature from a news column to ever be offered its own RSS feed, and then decline it! Check out Mike’s weekly Simpsons piece here, his Surreal Life piece here, and also check out his new column Mike’s Soapbox, which isn’t up yet otherwise I would have linked it. Any feedback for this Jukebox can be sent to Mike at ultron_6@insidepulse.com.

FROM THE LABELS

The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has some news on the upcoming Radiohead DVD…

FYI, Radiohead will be selling their DVD through their website, and there are no plans at this time for us to sell it, or make this available at retail. We just wanted you to be aware, as we just found out about this, and I’m sure you will be getting some calls.

check out the website –

http://www.radiohead.com/gigantictvdvd/

Radiohead Television, a 110 minute excursion into the bizarre.

From a glass-walled boardroom in west London, via a small spare room in Willesden, past the flood-torn wastes of Cornwall and the landfill sites of ‘picturesque’ rural Oxfordshire, a carefully-vetted team of ‘experts’ has been plotting to create a DVD containing films, animations and music never heard before. Channel 4 wouldn’t show it, for reasons that remain unclear. The BBC were busy. ITV and Channel 5 simply pretended we didn’t exist. But our ‘experts’ are certain that the discerning public must be allowed to view this material.

Containing music from Radiohead’s Hail to the Thief as well as tracks unreleased before, set to a collection of perhaps the strangest videos you’ve seen on your teevee, and introduced by the one-and-only, the incorrigible, the indefatigable, the certifiable Chieftan Mews…

It is, without doubt, The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of all Time.

Also, here’s a listing of upcoming key releases from EMI…

10/19 Dirty Vegas – Walk into the Sun, Jin – The Rest is History, The Music – Welcome to the North, Soundtrack – Alfie, Soundtrack/TV – Everwood, Showbread – No Sir, Nihilism is Not Practical, The Neville Brothers – Walkin’ in the Shadow of Life

11/2 A Perfect Circle – eMOTIVe, Various – Now 17, Maria Callas – Life & Art, Grits – Dichotomy B, John Lennon – Acoustic, John Lennon – Rock N’ Roll, Newsboys – Devotion, Relient K – MmHmm, Tiësto – Parade of the Athletes, Yellowcard – Live at the Electric Factory, George Harrison – Dark Horse Years 1976-1992

ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html

Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.

INFLUENCES

Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…

Large Professor, “Back to Back”
Faithless, “Muhammad Ali”
Fear Factory, “Shock”
Jethro Tull, “Living in the Past”
The Sisters of Mercy, “Vision Thing”
Roni Size/Reprazent, “Mexican”
Propellerheads f/Shirley Bassey, “History Repeating”
Jamiroquai, “Alright”
Operation Ivy, “Missionary”
Gerard McMann, “Cry Little Sister”
Deftones, “Around the Fur”
Guru f/Bilal, “Certified”
Beck, “Tropicalia”
Buena Vista Social Club, “Chan Chan”

THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK

The makers of health drink Vitamin Water have given 50 Cent his own flavor, along with a share in the company. “Formula 50,” which is available in stores now, is grape flavored, and features a picture of a Shetland Sheepdog on the label, which according to representatives for Vitamin Water, “…was kind of a mistake. 50 Cent looks an awful lot like a Shetland Sheepdog, so it was bound to happen.”

Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Jeremy Botter Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I exploit you, still you love me; I tell you one and one makes three.

Cheers
-JF2k4!