The Double-Team Short Form, 10.14-15.04

Sorry about the delay on this, but real life stuck its nose in my precious schedule and I ended up working on Saturday, which means that I didn’t have time to watch SD or Impact until Saturday evening, and that being in a totally exhausted state. So I’m not going to be too pithy…well, as pithy as I can get under the circumstance, but still not at my level of wit. Wish it can be otherwise, but there’s nothing to draw from in the old energy reserves, and I’ll be happy if I can finish both shows without falling asleep. Especially Smackdown; I’ve read the spoilers.

Just one thing before we start: Memo to Fingers: Google Desktop Search has been classified as spyware because it leaves your entire system open to intruders who will have zero problem gaining access to all those documents created by or stored in those nice little programs that it interfaces with, like Outlook and Word. Google themselves recommend that you don’t install it on any system used by more than one person (and these days that means “hooked up to the Net”). Do NOT install Google Desktop Search, no matter how “cute” you think it is. If you do, you’re probably the type of person who loves Bonzi Buddy, and that means that you shouldn’t be allowed to breed, or if you have, that your children be executed in front of you prior to your sterilization.

On that cheery note, and speaking of people who deserve enforced sterilization, on with the shows…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Rob Van Dam over Rene Dupree (Pinfall, Five-Star Frog Splash): Just to show you how protected Van Dam’s spots are, here’s a complete list of Rene Dupree’s offense for the match: rest hold, neckbreaker. That’s it. That’s all Dupree got in in between the spots. Now you know why I hate Van Dam so much.

Dupree doing to Van Dam what I’d like to do to Van Dam

Billy Kidman over Charlie Haas (Pinfall, Shooting Star Press): Did anyone care about this match at all? I didn’t, especially after I realized that it’d turn into an angle enhancement match and was waiting for Dawn Marie to show up.

Kidman assaults Charlie Haas’ injured knee

Rey-Rey over (in order of elimination) Orlando Jordan, Sho Funaki, Nunzio, Kenzo Suzuki, Johnny Stamboli, Spike Dudley, Rob Van Dam, Buh Buh Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Scotty Go Potty, Rene Dupree, Billy Kidman, Rico Constantino, Mark Jindrak, Eddy Guerrero, Luther Reigns, and Kurt Angle, Number One Contender’s Battle Royal: To paraphrase someone with an inexplicable book contract (after all, they could have me, and they wouldn’t even have to check out any other sites to do so), I don’t summarize battle royals. However, the Rey-Rey/Angle part was pretty damn nice and very well booked. Congrats to those two and the match bookers for accomplishing something resembling making a silk purse out of this particular sow’s ear (Cena’s injuries, the need to feed Manchester with something “special”, etc.). I do have one quibble, though: being from Chicago, I’ve had enough in my life of Mexicans versus Puerto Ricans. Do I have to see it in wrestling too?

Let the bodies hit the floor…well, that’s how you win in this match

Spike gets eliminated by You-Know-Who

Bye, bye, Buh Buh Ray and D-Von

Rico gives a French lesson to Rene Dupree

Eddy gets eliminated the hard way

High-Quality Speaker Boy over Bob Holly, WWE Title Match, Hardcore Rules (Pinfall, Greco-Roman steel chair shot): Complete crap, but crap in a good sense. If that makes any sense. To rephrase, it was a decent little garbage match with nothing offensive. It wasn’t ECW-quality hardcore, but you don’t expect that from WWE anyway.

Just in case you forgot this was a hardcore match

Carly Colon over Rey-Rey, US Title Match (Pinfall, rollup): Again, a decent little match with nothing offensive per se. There’s nothing much more you can say about it, really. Rey-Rey got his spots in, Carly was made to look weaselly-weak, and that’s about all you can ask from “creative” these days, because anything more than that, and they tend to screw it up big-time.

Carly gets Rey-Rey set up for something not cool

Eddy Guerrero over Luther Reigns (DQ, Jindrak-ference): Well, at least Luther looked strong in the match. Eddy sold for the guy nicely and made him look serious, which is more than you can say for your average Reigns match. Nothing much to it than that. If this was supposed to be a PPV rematch, why not make the match PPV length as well? Bleh, he says knowingly. One question, though: why bring a corded hair trimmer out to the ring? Don’t they have a cordless model? Jesus, even I have a cordless hair trimmer. Remington Titanium, in case you’re wondering.

That’s what you get for playing with Murdoch’s whores

Angle Developments:

You Lucky Bastard: I think I can say this for every male in the audience: Charlie Haas, we envy you. Even if it was an angle enhancement moment, dear God, we envy you.

And this is why we envy him

Separated At Birth:

High-Quality Speaker Boy…

…and Connor Trinneer

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Jeffykins over Monty Brown, Number One Contender’s Match (Time of Match: 9:16, Pinfall, Twist of Fate): Okay, so I’m pissed off about this match’s result. However, it also contained the stupidest ref bump I’ve seen in quite a while, not to mention the weakest chair shot I’ve ever seen Raven deliver. All around, the match sucked.

Jeffykins attempts to put Monty Brown out with a sleeper. Yeah, right…

Petey Williams over Jason Pocaro, Non-Title Match (Time of Match: 1:18, Pinfall, Styles Clash (?!)): Jobber match. You know how I feel about those.

Scott D’Amoron getting involved in a jobber match. How low is that?

Konnan, B. G. James, and Ron Killings over Eric Stevens, Nate Webb, and John Thadeio (Time of Match: 0:50, Pinfall, James pins Thadeio, Killings superkick): A jobber match featuring Three Live Kru. I won’t even dignify that with a screen cap.

Bobby Rude and Eric Young over Christopher Daniels and James Storm, Tag Title Match (Time of Match: 10:48, Pinfall, Young pins Daniels, rollup, New Tag Champions): Finally, this long nightmare angle is over. And it culminated in what I have to admit was a pretty decent match. Good flow, good tagging, lack of concentration in the commentary on the whole mismatched tag team stuff. Not a bad way to close it off, and the win was sufficiently fluky to introduce some uncertainty about how good Team Canada really is. Of course, we’re all grateful that they can’t go for an Evolution-type “they can hold all the belts” thing, unless Jeffykins turns heel and proclaims himself an adopted Canadian.

Bobby Rude showing his mastery of the resthold

Angle Developments:

Pre-Planning At Its Best: We all know that Russo’s planning on leaving after Victory Road. Therefore, the whole “interactive” stuff is a work. However, it’s a great shot across the bow to Taboo Tuesday, which is equally worked but pretends not to be (and I apologize for not contributing to the Round Table for it, but I was trashed). Congrats to TNA for pulling off a terrific fraud that will enable them to gauge their exact audience and level of devotion from it.

Directors of Authority, present and future

And that’ll be it from this end. I’ll be back on Tuesday to guide you through some news, and I’ll probably do something about Taboo Tuesday on top of it. Until then, have a good one.