The SmarK RAW Rant – October 18 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – October 18, 2004

– I’m Scott Keith, and I approved this rant. I also wrote this book, available now in a bookstore near you.

– Live from Chicago, IL.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Uncle Eric, in his badass grampa pajamas, calls out Eugene for a fight TONIGHT. Eugene, who is apparently retarded enough to accept (well, I guess it makes sense) comes out for the “fight”, but of course it’s a SWERVE and instead Eric hands off to GENE SNITSKY, who is apparently the new Kane.

– Eugene v. Gene Snitsky. You know, you could combine the gimmicks and have Eugene Snitsky, the retarded baby-killer. Snitsky pounds away in the corner to start. The BODYSLAM OF DEATH gets two. He tries choking in the corner, but Eugene is TARDING UP. He can’t get a sunset flip, but tosses Snitsky, only to follow and get posted as a result of his chutzpah. Back in, Eugene tries one last comeback with Rock Bottom, but Snitsky cuts him off and finishes clean with the Coat Hanger at 3:22. Total squash. 1/2* Regal tries to save, but Snitsky kills any future babies by hitting him in the nuts, and then destroying him with a chair. You’ll notice that the fans are now buying Snitsky as a legitimate threat, because this is one of the rare cases where they’ve stumbled ass-backwards into booking someone correctly for once.

– Triple Threat Debate time, hosted by Todd “Jushin Who?” Grisham. Each title contender gets to plead his case. Edge whines about not getting a shot and promises to win if elected. That’s pretty bold. Benoit runs on a platform of making people tap out. John Kerry should try that. Edge gets all riled up and starts being a smarmy jerk again, which is where he’s most effective, so Benoit punks him out and Shawn superkicks Grisham by accident. Todd doesn’t even know when to go down. What a keeper. I’m digging Edge’s heel character (if it actually sticks this week) but none of these guys has a hope in hell of beating HHH.

– Victoria, Stacy & Nidia v. Trish, Molly & Gail Kim. Big brawl to start, and Stacy cradles Trish for two. She quickly gets beaten down in the corner, however, and Molly works on the leg and gets two. Leglock keeps her down and Gail comes in with another one for two. Molly whips Kim at Stacy in the corner, but misses, and it’s hot tag Victoria. She pancakes Gail for two. Gail rolls her up for two. Widow’s Peak finishes Kim at 3:29. Just filler to allow Lawler to be all gross on commentary. 1/2* Stacy continues to be terrible in the ring, and either needs to put on some weight and actually learn to work, or go to Smackdown and be with the “entertainment” side of the women’s division.

– Meanwhile, Lita gets in Snitsky’s face, and he puts her in her place and gets off another dead baby line. I’d completely mark out if Lita turned on Kane tonight and revealed that she paid off Snitsky to abort her baby for her.

– Meanwhile, clips from the Jimmy Kimmel show insinuate that Ric Flair is older than dirt. And Randy Orton is going to beat on him at the PPV. Yeah, that sure makes Orton sound like a badass.

– Randy Orton & Chris Jericho v. Ric Flair & Batista. Jericho dropkicks Batista into the corner and stomps him out to start. Batista clubs him down and brings in Flair, so Jericho brings in Orton. They slug it out, and Orton wins, so Flair goes to the eyes. Jericho and Flair slug it out, allowing Orton to get a cheapshot from behind, and we take a break. Back with Jericho trying the Walls on Batista, but getting hit with a nasty backbreaker for two. Big Dave gets big elevation on that move. Batista works the back, and Flair slugs away in the corner. Kinda sad that Flair is reduced to chops and punching now, while Batista has to carry the work load. Big Dave drops an elbow on the back and gets a suplex for two. We hit the chinlock. Flair comes in and they fight over a backslide, and Jericho gets two. Batista clobbers him again, however, and chokes away, then whips him into the corner. Bearhug time. Jericho gets tossed, but fights off Flair. Back in, Batista gets a backbreaker, but gets hit with the enzuigiri. Hot tag Orton, and he powerslams Flair for two. Back to Jericho, who hits Dave with a high cross and bulldogs Flair. He dropkicks Batista off the apron, but the ref is bumped and Flair goes low on Orton. Jericho puts Flair in the Walls, but falls victim to his arch-nemesis, BATISTA’S CLOTHESLINE OF DEATH, and Flair figure-fours him for the submission as a result, at 15:28. Weird finish, entertaining match. **1/2 Crowd was molten for the whole thing.

– And now Vince joins us for the hard sell. He starts to hype the PPV, but Christian quickly interrupts and makes a nuisance of himself. He just wants Vince’s endorsement. And so do Tajiri, Coach, Rhyno, Hurricane and Mr. Benjamin. So Vince, through his growing irritation, makes a four-corners elimination match for right now, winner gets his endorsement. Tajiri and Christian fighting over who gets to hug Vince was hilarious.

– Hurricane v. Christian v. Coach v. Rhyno v. Tajiri v. Shelton Benjamin. Hurricane starts with Christian and gets a cradle for two. Clothesline gets two. Christian tags out to Tajiri, and he trades wristlocks with Hurricane. Tajiri gets a headscissors and kicks him down for two. Hurricane gets a suplex for two. Christian necksnaps him coming off the ropes, however, and Tajiri finishes with the big kick. Christian comes in legally and we take a break. Back with Rhyno GOARING Coach for the pin and Christian quickly pinning Rhyno, leaving Benjamin v. Christian. Shelton slugs him down and gets a faceplant for two. Backbreaker gets two. Christian goes to the eyes and suplexes him on the top rope, and they brawl outside. Back in, dragon whip puts Christian down, and Benjamin makes the comeback. Legsweep gets two. Northern lights suplex gets two. Cradle gets two. Blinger splash misses and Christian gets two. Shelton goes up and gets slammed off for his troubles, but the Unprettier attempt is reversed to the Exploder, which finishes for Shelton at 10:30. First half was worthless, but Shelton v. Christian was a fun little match and bodes well for a feud in the future if need be. **

– The diva wannabes have a brutal debate, which prompts the crowd to chant “You both suck” until Christy plants a very reluctant and tame kiss on Lillian Garcia to win cheap favor. Well, it worked on me. Go red-headed skank!

– Shawn Michaels v. Chris Benoit v. Edge. 3-way slugfest to start as the faces go after Edge and dump him. Shawn and Benoit trade chops until Benoit sends him into the corner and goes for a german suplex. Edge breaks it up and clotheslines Shawn, then sends Benoit to the floor. Shawn baseball slides him and moonsaults everyone, and we take a break. Back with Benoit taking Shawn down for the crossface, but Edge breaking it up. Shawn gets tossed and they slug it out in the corner, and Edge whips Benoit there. Backbreaker gets two. More punching in the corner leads to Benoit throwing chops, but Edges ends him into the corner again for two. Shawn comes in with a sunset flip on Benoit for two, and they collide as obviously Shawn blew out his knee on the move. Or maybe he just lost his smile again. Atomic drop on Benoit and he goes up with a flying elbow, setting up the superkick. Benoit ducks and suplexes the shit out of him and gets the diving headbutt, but now Edge comes in and misses the spear. Benoit gets two on Shawn as a result. Sharpshooter on Edge, but Shawn superkicks the wide open Benoit. Edge posts Shawn and gets two on Benoit. Edge charges and gets rolled up by Benoit, but uses the ropes to reverse and gets the pin at 13:05. Fast-paced, but a bit too short for what you’d expect from these guys. **3/4

The Bottom Line:

A very entertaining and solid show to build up to Taboo Tuesday, which I think will bomb for a variety of reasons. Still, this was a much better individual effort and I seriously think that Gene Snitsky is the monster heel of the future for this show.

FYI, for those who care, my votes on WWE.com were as follows: Benoit for the World title match, Benjamin for the IC title, Schoolgirl outfits for the divas, lingerie pillow fight for the skanks, haircut for Bischoff-Eugene, submission match for Orton-Flair, and steel chair for Kane-Snitsky.