The Crucifix

To mark how extreme this week has been, in many ways more extreme than Lita and The Hardy’s, I have decided to turn my column over to Gollum 2K4 for the week. With the Yankees and too much wrestling, I just can’t write this week. Here’s Gollum 2K4…

What up bitches!? Gollum here. You knew I was a mark and I’ll say the things that Dan Hevia won’t say. First off, no man juice is sliding down his throat. Maybe Blatt got what his girlfriend loves out of Hevia confused with what he thinks Hevia drinks. Hevia only drinks YJ Stinger. Catch the buzz! Feel the sting! Well, Hevia told me he does a membrane for these shows. I don’t know anything about legal stuff so I’ll just tell you what I think in the new…

Snitsky def. Eugene – So much for the idiot savant. After you get killed by a baby killer, there’s nothing left. By the way, Snitsky is more marketable than Orton because people don’t protest legend killers.

-Edge (Nader), Benoit (Kerry) and HBK (Bush) have a debate about who should get the title shot. It ends with Todd Gizlover or something getting a superkick. I wish real debates ended this way. “I’m Dan Rather and SMACK!…Uh uh Buuuuush! I’m just a sexy Texan, SEXY TEXAN!

-Victoria, Nidia and Stacy def. Trish, Molly and Gail. No lie, when I play PS2 with Frodo, I always use The Widow’s Peak as my finisher.

-Lita runs in to Snitsky. He tells her that at Taboo Tuesday, Kane will wind up just like her baby. You wanna talk about babies? Check this out…If I: were to have a baby with Lindsay Lohan: we would make this:

Sorry Pulse readers, its Hevia. Can’t let Gollum ruin my masterpiece. Let’s continue with Raw:

-They recap Jimmy Kimmel’s show where Orton and Kimmel make fun of Flair. Then we see how pissed Flair is. I honestly don’t get this because Kimmel used to have the wrestlers do pillow fights. Now he’s part of an angle. Is David Arquette far behind.

-Batista and Flair def. Orton and Jericho. This was fun and DAVE has all the potential in the world.

-Vince McMahon makes his way out and makes a match for his endorsement for the IC Title match at Taboo Tuesday.

-Mr. Benjamin def. Hurricane, Tajiri, Captain Charisma, Coach and Rhyno. Shelton gets Vince’s endorsement. I’m sorry what? What does his endorsement do?

-CHRISTY! and Carmella have a little catfight over their match. CHRISTY! kisses Lillian in one of those “Dan Hevia has now received his wish” things.

-Edge def. Benoit and HBK in the three-way match. Presumably we should all go vote for Edge for the title match now.

Overall this show was good. But I hate how Taboo Tuesday has become like a big Smackdown Your Vote thing. I don’t need endorsements or clamoring. I need good matches.

Honestly I should call it “I’m not paying for this but I’ll tell you what I think anyway.”
Here goes nothing:

-Shelton Benjamin def. Y2J to win the IC Title. Well thank God they are actually pushing Benjamin. However I feel as though he’ll be defending that title on Heat a heck of a lot.

-HBK confirms his torn meniscus (I’m humming Tell Me A Lie) and Coach confirms HBK is the winner of the fan poll. This is where they needed to start doing some rigging of the vote.

-Trish Stratus retains the Women’s Championship is a School Girl Battle Royal. I’ll download this match for fun at some point.

-Snitsky def. Kane. Pilmanizing him on the throat and killing him deader than Lita’s baby. Wow, WWE Films is deciding the WWEs fate.

-Eugene def. GM Eric in a loser wears a dress match. I won’t even get into the after match shenanigans, but Eric has no hair and Coach is wearing a dress. ‘Nuf said.

-Edge and Benoit def. La Resistance to win the tag belts. Benoit did all the work as Edge left and AWAAAAAAY we go with wacky mismatched “I hate you!” “No I hate you more!” tag champions.

-CHRISTY! def. Carmella in a Lingerie Pillowfight. ALRIGHT CHRISTY!

-HHH def HBK in an alphabet match. Errr…Edge runs in and spears HBK to help Triple H. Edge says it should’ve been him, which makes me reminisce about Owen Hart after he kicked out Bret Hart’s leg at The Royal Rumble. “TAG ME!!!!” Rest In Peace Owen.

-Randy Orton def. Ric Flair in the shortest cage match in WWE history. They shake hands afterward.

Overall this show sounded more rushed than road head. I didn’t even enjoy reading the recap so that says something.

Just a few words on what went on after Taboo Tuesday: They celebrated Pat Patterson because it was his “last night” with WWE. Two things: 1. How ridiculous to celebrate a man you pushed away. 2. I’m surprised Triple H didn’t come out and Pedigree him.

Hevia: Hey Wid
Widro: yo
Hevia: whats goin on man
Widro: just got up 🙂
Widro: the alcs just murdered me, i was beat by friday
Hevia: Cool deal…yea the ALCS threw me off, made me cry and ruined me for the week
Widro: i’m not even a yankees fan but i got tix to game 6 and got pretty wrapped up in it… plus the games themselves were like 5 hours marathons every night
Hevia: I’m a Yankee fan and still can’t understand
Widro: schilling was like a god that day, i saw him walking up close and he could barely walk
Hevia: Yea I hope he dies like Litas baby
Widro: hahahaha
Hevia: And if I ever see Ortiz I’m Pillmanizing his neck
Widro: papi!?
Widro: haha
Hevia: papi es madrecun
Widro: =-O
Hevia: Wow that looks like Blatt’s girlfriend on her knees
Hevia: God why do I think I have to add this conversation to my column
Widro: because you’re shooting all over the place!
Hevia: Yes that’s what Blatt girlfriend said
Hevia: check this IM out that I just got: IBiBabyGIRL66957 [2:37 PM]:
Hiya baby … how are you? Winter is around the corner, it’s my favorite time of the year! It’s really starting to turn me on! hehe >:] My nipz are soo hard right now, i’m rubbing on them! wana see?! hah !
Widro: gotta love random porn IMs
Hevia: Yea it’s why my credit sucks
Widro: yeah default black is where its at
Hevia: Holy shit dude: zscrnybumsth [2:39 PM]: What’s up Hottie? my name is Seleena. I think we spoke before, send me a pic so i can know for sure. IM if you want to chat.
Hevia: I think they really love me
Widro: sounds like you could score!!!
Hevia: I decided something though
Widro: whats that
Hevia: That the WWE actually loves the IWC
Widro: whys that
Hevia: Because they let shit get out so we can have fun with it and if the fans are educated about whats going on then they are going to buy more tickets. We boo Triple H more because he’s Stephanie’s husband than for the angles. And that goes for like all fans not in Bahrain
Hevia: What did you think of Taboo Tues?
Widro: i was at game 6 😀 although it sounded weak
Hevia: Yea it sounded more painfull than passing a kidney stone

So as you loyal readers can see, Blatts girlfriend loves me, The WWE loves the IWC, Boston sucks or is good depending on your view, Random porn IMs rule on Saturday afternoons, and Taboo Tuesday was rough to even read about.

Sorry folks but I missed smackdown all together and can’t even write about it. In the wake of the Yankees loss I am completely out of it. I feel like a combat vet after stepping on a landmine. No reason to lose 4 straight. No reason to not be able to close it out. NONE. NO EXCUSES. I had a picture ready to go for this week after they went up 3-0, it was a grave posted on that read, “Here lies the 2004 Boston Red Sox. The Idiots Never Knew What Hit Em”…I can’t even find that picture now. However they do have some funny ones over there now. Good luck to Boston. They deserved to win. And we have to get rid of Kevin Brown and a whole host of others.

Finally, I just want to thank Gollum for trying. When you’re worse of than Eugene I know it can be hard. Hopefully this week I’ll get back to watching wrestling happily and by next weekend I’ll be void of Yankee sadness. There’s always next year. ADIOS