The Double-Team Short Form, 10.21.04

He is a psychopath. Doesn’t know right from wrong. Cannot tell the truth. – Michael Eisner on Mike Ovitz

Pick your response:

1) Are you sure he wasn’t talking about Dubbaya?

2) Look who’s calling who a psychopath and a liar.

3) He was an agent, Andre. No shit he doesn’t know right from wrong and can’t tell the truth.

Before I start the Short Forms, I just wanted to mention this: the trial of Stuart Alexander is over. The scumbag meat plant owner (sorry about the redundancy) was found guilty by a California jury on Tuesday afternoon of three counts of first-degree murder in his gunning down of three meat inspectors four years ago (where’s that little fifteen-year-old cocksucker who says that meat inspectors don’t put their bodies on the line?). Let the motherf*cker die, that’s all I’m hoping for. I think that every meat inspector, whether or not they agree with the death penalty (and I’m in favor of it), wants this sentence. It’d sure send a message to every f*cking plant employee in the world not to f*ck with us. Do it, and you get the needle, period.

And I blew off Wednesday due to the fact that I decided to take a little nap after work. When I woke up, it was Thursday morning. We’ve had some shitty weather here, so that may be why. Also, you’ll have to bear with me because I’m playing in pain. I nipped one of my fingers while sharpening my knives on Thursday morning…well, at least I knew that knife was sharpened properly. Still makes it a bit of a bitch to type, since it was the index finger on my left hand. But I have to live with it for now, as I do the hands that refuse to heal.

Memo to His Majesty King Harald of Norway: I know that you’re recovering from cancer surgery and everything, but I’ve got to ask you: it’s bad enough that the entire world knows that your father was conceived by use of a turkey baster, but how really bad is it to find out that 1) your grandmother was so clueless that she didn’t know about the procedure, even while it was being done to her and 2) the sperm donor in question was almost certainly not your grandfather, but the English gyno who did the deed? Weird to think that the ruler of Norway* has more English blood in him than the rulers of England prior to the current one (or for that matter, her heir; Wills will be the first king with a majority of native blood** since Queen Anne, who, if my math serves, was half English, one-eighth Scottish, one-quarter French, and one-eighth Danish).

* – Actually, it’s not so weird. If you go down the succession chart to the English throne, King Harald is the first name on the list after you tap out all of the descendants of George V. That puts him around 50th in line or so.

** – Just to break down the math, let’s say that King Haakon (still Prince Carl of Denmark at the point of the turkey basting) wasn’t King Olav’s daddy but the gyno was. Queen Maud was the daughter of the 100% German Edward VII and 100% Danish Queen Alexandra. That would make Olav half English, one-quarter German, and one-quarter Danish, and Harald half-Norwegian, one-quarter English, one-eighth German, and one-eighth Danish. If the rumors are true, of course. But the gyno’s son does bear an incredible resemblance to Olav, probably even moreso now that they’re both dead.

George V has the same breakdown as Queen Maud (being brother and sister). He married the 100% German Princess May of Teck, making his children three-quarters German and one-quarter Danish. George VI, good for him, married a nice 100% Scottish woman, thus making HM Queen Elizabeth half-Scottish, three-eights German, and one-eighth Danish (not to mention also being conceived via turkey baster). Prince Phillip is half-German, half-Danish. That makes Prince Charles seven-sixteenths German, five-sixteenths Danish, and one-quarter Scottish, thus giving him as much native blood as Harald if said rumors are true. The math concerning the 100% British Diana thus becomes easy to figure out concerning Wills’ pedigree. Rumors concerning Harry’s true father being Sean Penn have not been proven at this point, but he sure as hell acts like Penn.

Enough of that. On with the Short Forms…

THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Carly Colon over Rico Constantino, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, very cool neckbreaker): Well, at least Rico got some offense in. Otherwise, the antics with Wilson overshadowed the match (see Angle Developments).

Colon setting up his neckbreaker

John Heidenreich over Shannon Moore (Pinfall, tilt-a-whirl slam): It was a jobber match, so I don’t care. What I do care about is Shannon Moore coming out like the second coming (out) of Rob Halford. I expected him to break into “Turbo Lover” and direct it at Heidenreich. We all suspected this about Shannon, and it’s nice to see some confirmation.

And here’s that outfit I was mentioning…

Mark Jindrak over Eddy Guerrero (Pinfall, Let’s Have A Ding-Dong): The question becomes, is there a maximum weight that Eddy can bear before he’s unable to carry anything else? Right now, he’s carrying Reigns, he’s carrying Jindrak, and he might be carrying Angle as well. There’s only so much he can stand before his back gives out. God bless him and his Atlas-like accomplishments thus far, though.

Mark Jindrak, Chiropractor-At-Large

Booker T, Rob Van Dam, and Rey-Rey over High-Quality Speaker Boy and Team Sakai (Pinfall, Booker pins Bradshaw, scissors kick): Surprisingly fast-paced for a match featuring High-Quality Speaker Boy and Suzuki, two men not known for being able to keep up with the pace when guys like Rey-Rey get into gear. And on top of that, it was a well-told match from the “Whose Side Is Booker On?” perspective. Unlike some other people in the IWC, I wouldn’t mind a Booker face turn if it means going up against Bradshaw and taking his title from him. Anything to get the world strap on Book.

The blur on the left side of the screen cap is Rey-Rey going for the Bronco Buster

A pensive Booker tries to figure out how to screw his tag partners

Angle Developments:

Just A Reminder: TBS will be on Enterprise next Friday night (check your local listings for the UPN station in your area, or your favorite TV-related BitTorrent site about three hours after broadcast if, like me, you don’t have UPN). So will Brent Spiner. I know who’ll draw more viewers. Yep, that’s right, J. G. Hertzler is in the episode as well, and he’s always the answer to that particular query.

Treat Her Like The Whore That She Is: Carly Colon turned face for me when he dissed the Ten-Buck Tramp in a very effective fashion. Nice work, Carly. Keep it up. Same with you, Kenzo. Bad karaoke is just what she deserves.

The Ten-Buck Tramp doing to the mic what she does to Billy

Colon treats Wilson like a bitch, and she loves it!

Unanswered Questions: So who exactly was Chavito’s friend who stood by him and his family? He only said that it wasn’t Kidman. Are they pulling someone in from his and Kidman’s mutual past (read: WCW)? Or are we never going to find out? I’ll lay money on the latter.

Chavito’s back, and Kidman’s got him!

The Official Announcement: I’m treating Tough Enough exactly as I did the first three of them and the Diva Search: I’m ignoring it.

THE IMPACT SHORT FORM

Nobody uploaded it. It’s now Sunday afternoon as I’m typing this. Screw waiting. Instead, let me give you a special…

AND A SPECIAL TABOO TUESDAY SHORT FORM

Match Results:

Shelton Benjamin over Chris Jericho, Intercontinental Title Match (Pinfall, t-bone suplex, New Intercontinental Champion): Well, I called the title change. I just thought it’d be Batista instead of Shelly, and considering that Batista and Benjamin got a “majority of votes”, my assumption was perfectly valid. Decent match, nothing spectacular, but Benjamin ended up looking decent and credible. Let’s hope they do something with him and the belt other than feed him to Batista, which I assume is the plan.

Jericho bitch-slaps Shelton Benjamin

And he’s safe!

Trish Stratus over (in order of elimination) Nidia, Jazz, Gail Kim, Victoria, My Beautiful and Beloved, and Molly Holly, Schoolgirl Battle Royal: I still would have preferred the French maid outfits. Having gone to an all-boys high school, schoolgirl outfits have never done anything for me. They at least kept it short and reasonable, and therefore could be ignored successfully.

“Chris is better in bed!” “No, Eric is!”

“I told you Chris was better!”

“Okay, I admit it, Eric sucks in bed!

Gene Snitsky over Kane, Chain Match (Pinfall, chair shot to throat): Nice way to get Kane out of action to film his movie. Not as cute as Cena getting stabbed, but cute nonetheless. The match itself was complete shit.

Gene Snitsky rams the boot in Kane’s face

The retard over Eric Bischoff, Hair Versus Hair Match (Pinfall, leg drop): Oh, yay, the comedy match for the night. I did predict “Hair versus Hair”, with Bisch losing, so I chalk that one up in my column. Coachman did look fetching in that dress, though.

“Kick the Retard” was always a favorite of mine as a kid

Jonathan Coachman, drag queen at large

Our Lord and Savior and the Holy Ghost over Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier, Tag Title Match (Submission, Conway submits to Benoit, Crossface, New Tag Champions): Oh, Jesus, just when TNA ended its mismatched tag champs angle, we get this one from WWE. My stomach hurts. Just finish off Edge’s heel turn and be done with it, okay?

Take a good look; this may be the last time you ever seen Sylvain Grenier now that Patterson’s gone

Beating up Grenier is small consolation for the tastelessness of the “fans”

Edge pussies out

Christy Hemme over Carmella DeCesare, Lingerie Pillow fight (Pinfall, who knows?): Who cares? If I want to watch porn, I’ll download that instead of this.

Let the feathers hit the floor

Trip over Shawn, World Title Match (Pinfall, Edge spear): First of all, I have a torn meniscus in one of my knees, so I sympathize with Michaels. It tends to hurt on occasion. I just have to wait a bit more for surgery, surgery that I was supposed to have during the Clinton Administration but couldn’t due to certain circumstances. Second, thank you for finishing the Edge heel turn. That was a nice way to do it. I’m still trying to figure out, though, where he rented the car. Must have been at O’Hare when he got there for Raw with those Illinois plates on it.

Let’s kayfabe Michaels’ knee surgery under the guise of a world title match, shall we?

Randy Orton over God Almighty, Steel Cage Match (Pinfall, RKO): Let’s go back to what I wrote on Tuesday:

Flair’s gonna make the kid look like a million bucks and pull a 1.0 Muta blade job out of mothballs for the occasion. Orton will just have to follow his lead, which he is possibly capable of doing. Don’t expect a winner of a match here, but Orton goes over regardless of the stip.

Flair made the kid look like a million bucks. Flair bled. Orton followed his head. Match was decent. I’m God.

The American Dork in his native habitat

Orton showing off his own blade job

And that’s it for this week. Join me next week as we close out October on a high note, or with your normal episode of Raw, take your pick. Until then, just make sure not to injure it when you jack off.