Riding Coattails: Shows That Make The List

With all of the shows premiering recently, I thought I’d take a moment to share my thoughts with readers about some of them.

Observations about The Biggest Loser

1. According to the show, it’s unhealthy to weight 438 pounds.
2. Who knew host Caroline Rhea had such a thick Canadian accent?
3. What? Having your weight broadcast on national television is embarrassing? Who knew?
4. Yes, doughnuts are typically tastier than broccoli.
5. Exercising until you puke is really a practical method of multi-tasking in the weight-loss journey.
6. The show provides wonderfully realistic role models, such as the guy who lost 22 pounds in one week.
7. If a team loses, the old excuse of “blame it on the fat kid” no longer counts for much.
8. The personal trainers almost look like humans.
9. Will NBC do a follow-up series about a houseful of anorexics? Oh wait, that show already exists on UPN. It’s called America’s Next Top Model.
10. Hardcore exercise montage in slow motion with triumphant music does not a meaningful moment make.
11. In the end, the biggest loser is anyone who continues to watch this show, because it sucks.

Why Desperate Housewives rules

1. Wealthy Latino wife shags her white teenage gardener. An idea whose time has come, so to speak.
2. Not since Daryl Hannah in Roxanne have a seen such an excellent “Oops! Got locked out of my house naked!” scene.
3. Bree Van De Kamp: June Cleaver meets Courtney Love
4. It’s nice to know those twin boys from Cheaper By The Dozen are still getting work.
5. Ditto for Nicolette Sheridan.
6. I love it when a sealed trunk mysteriously pops up in the river.
7. Any arsonist worth her salt would have remembered her measuring cup before fleeing the scene of the crime.
8. Excuse me while I suspend reality and buy the fact that Teri Hatcher’s character can only cook mac and cheese. With that figure. Uh huh.
9. Has no one considered the possibility that Mary Alice killed herself because she had first dibs on the gardener?
10. Everyone dusts with tube socks. You didn’t know that, Carlos?
11. The next time I dab myself with chocolate sauce in order to gain the affections of some hot guy’s dog, I’ll make sure to take off my earrings first.

Why Wife Swap isn’t holding my attention

1. No one seems to be taking the show’s name literally. How about a little spit swap at least?
2. Nicky Hilton can no longer be on it.
3. If gay men aren’t involved, I’m not interested.
4. The wives on this show tend to perceive their host families as freakish. They’ve obviously been an exchange student in Moscow like I was.
5. I almost find the Confederate flag-waving hunter family less offensive than the totally lazy, verbally excitable, pacifist vegetarian chain smokers. Hey, at least the good old boys are consistent in their ideology.
6. Watching a Manhattan socialite weep as she scrubs a toilet in rural New Jersey definitely induces viewer empathy. She can’t believe she’s doing something so degrading and I can’t believe I’m wasting my time watching this damn garbage.
7. The Bachelor is balanced out by equally heinous seasons of The Bachelorette, so where the hell is Husband Switch?

Reasons to love this week’s episode of The Apprentice

1. I think Jennifer has finally found her calling as a professional dog toenail clipper.
2. George was missing again? What is he doing, getting with the fly honeys from last season? Watch it, George, or you’ll die of sexual exhaustion.
3. You go, Sandy. Way to make Jennifer regret her decision to get rid of you. (Why did she do that anyway? We don’t ever hear much from Sandy, so it’s not clear why Barbie gave her the boot.)
4. And Jen chose to keep Elizabeth on her side. What, is she a good kisser or something?
5. In a coed working environment, Raj will probably need to hold a briefcase at waist level to conceal his desire.
6. Now that they’re teammates, I think Sandy should do Andy.
7. The doggie massages were hilarious, but if the teams had really wanted to kick some ass, they should have included oral services. God knows they all have big enough mouths for that sort of thing.
8. Speaking of big mouths, au revoir, Stacy R.