The Midnight News Flashback

Hello everyone – it’s Flea and guess who called me at 2am crying the blues about not being reliable? I mean…ummm “not having time for this nonsense”…Hyatte’s a busy guy lately, so naturally he comes to me to bail him out…


Problem is – I did my time this week (go read Saturday Evening Post – CONTEST! included) and really don’t have anything else I feel like typing about…so, how about a flashback?


There are times when Hyatte is funny – and then there is the below. Hi-Rate SWEARS ON HIS MOTHER’S GRAVE that he will be around for Thursday…actually, if you switch “swears” with “pisses”…that’s mean, Fleabag. Hawr – switch   “swears” with “pisses” and “mother” with Widro and cut out the “his” and “grave”, there you go. But, we are all tolerant of Hyatte and his “breaks”, so…let’s just say I’m not shocked AT ALL.


The below originally appeared at 411. Enjoy your day!   


FLEA


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The Midnight News 7.08.02


Posted By Hyatte on 07.08.02

The Snake, Stephanie, The Hunt for Chasey Continues, Keller Hates Girls, The Snotty Diva, Prison Food, Al Isaacs Lives, The Lords of Pain, Flea, a Classic Closer, and Steven Seagal

Hello Christopher, how’s it going?? I thought I would send you my e-mail address just like you asked. I hope to see you at “Sassy Boy’s” on the 9th. It should be a glorious time. Best regards as always

Ron

WHAT? Hey! Wrong dude!! That ain’t me!! No way!! Which one of you homos is using “glorydogfu as an e-mail address??? How DARE you!!!

I just read your column 7-1-02 what a load of crap. By the way Bret Hart was on a pedal bike and had the stroke while riding it. Get your facts right before reporting That sounds like a situation to make fun of other peoples misfortunes. Maybe you would be better suited to write for the Weekly World News. I think they do not care for good writing or truth. The Von Erichs thats anouther tragic family tale to make light of. I hope you have a family problems that some shithead pokes fun at or makes light of.

Derek Young

I responded: How did I make fun of the Von Erichs, you RETARD

And here’s what he said in return:

Just the response I figured I would get. The way I read it you were making light of both wrestling families misfortunes. This was the first and last time I will read a column from a no talent second rate web site. If this was a newspaper it would not be goodenough to wrap my fish in or use for toiletpaper. Have a nice day Loser go back to your job a McDonalds.

No talent? Second rate website? Obviously, he got confused and sent his letter to Scaia to me instead.

Plus, didn’t he hear, I’m a JANITOR. Geeze.

I’m Chris, this is the complete opposite of the “Noontime Blank Space”. The usual tons of stuff in here, so let’s get to it.


OY MATE, THAT’S MY SNAKE YER WANKING

I’m surprised this wasn’t picked up by more people.

Last week, Jake “The Snake” Roberts was uncovered in Merry Ol’ London by some radio guys. People who heard the show tell me he was…. “disoriented”, but who knows.

One thing’s for sure… Jake was either shooting, or intentionally being freaky. It made for a fascinating interview:

-He talked up London for it’s building designs. Says parts of the city are so gothic he keeps looking in the sky for Batman! (HAW!! I made that up!!! WORSHIP THE WIT, PEOPLE!!!). Says America is a bunch o’tightwads and London is where the REAL rasslin’ fans hang.

-Jake idolizes Charles Manson because he could control minds without the benefit of either talent, brains, or looks.

-Jake does NOT hate Chris “Jeriblow”, but doesn’t like the fact that Jericho doesn’t care about ring psychology or preserving other people’s characters. He gives examples of Chris overpowering Rhyno in a match, or back suplexing Chris Benoit several times during a match. Jericho should never be able to overpower a character like Rhyno or take Benoit’s trademark moves during a match. Jake feels like Jericho destroyed all the heels, and now he’s destroying all the babyfaces. (My God… he’s right! JERICHO IS WHY THE WWE IS CRUMBLING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!! JESUS, TRIPLE H BETTER GET BACK TO HOLDING HIM DOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!)

-Jake says that the WWF “sweetened” the crowd noise in the 80’s “because they had the Ultimate Warrior around“. Good one.

-Jake says that when he was helping write the show, Vince would “kick every writer out of the room and ask him what he thought”. Jake was NOT a “yes man”… he told the TRUTH!! Even to VINCE! It was Jake’s daughter who got to hear all his lies.

-Says that Vince is afraid of him… he FEARS Jake. Not of him physically, but mentally. See, Jake shoots out brain beams that makes people do nutty things, like start football organizations. (So THAT’S it)

-Jake thinks that F-ing McMahon ruined EVERYTHING, and MTV helped too by making the attention spans of these damn kids so damn short! No WONDER rasslin’ sucks, Jake muses, they don’t have 30 minutes matches with ten minute REST HOLDS anymore!!! Jake also went and called Rob Van Dam the “AntiChrist”

-Jake says that the WWE has made a few phone calls to him over the years to return in a writing capacity, but Jake just isn’t interested. Plus, his phone was always disconnected. You think crack money grows on TREES??

-Then Jake claims to have come up with the idea for Austin in the King of the Ring, for using the “3:16” tailgate, which took off. Jake is sorry that Vince never used his other suggestion of “Austin’s Ten Commandments”. He also had this wild idea of how Austin could become a Priest and diddle boys in the middle of the ring…. but Vince is a pussy.

-Jake also saw promise in the Headbangers tag team, thought they could be stars, but Vince would always book them in to lose. Felt that “those kids were cool, they were with it”. He also claims to have caught Edge during his early years in 1995, and turned McMahon on to him, saying that he would be a success.

-If Jake sees one more “WHO’S IN THE LIMO” gimmick, he’ll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said that if he IMAGINES one more “WHO’S IN THE LIMO” gimmick, he’ll smoke crack until his head explodes. Then he said after he gets off the phone, he’s going to walk around London proper looking for Limos.

-Jake feels the WWE is “WORST WRESTLING EVER”, and he would come back ONLY if they gave him total creative control to turn around the company, because that’s the only way he can save it. Then he called Vince Russo a power hungry egomaniac.

-Jake loves us all, but the love of his life is a lady named WRESTLING. He never cheated on her! (Hey, I saw his performance at the Heroes of Wrestling nightmare!!! If that ain’t cheating on the bitch, I don’t know what is!)

-Jake doesn’t think much of Brock Lesnar, or Paul Heyman, or sobriety

–Jake talks about the feud against Hulk Hogan that never happened. During a TV taping after attacking Hogan, and draping the snake over him, instead of chanting “Hogan”, the crowd chanted “DDT”. After McMahon heard that, he saw his marketing plan fall apart, and the feud was scrapped and Jake was quickly turned face.

Quite an interview. 1bob has the entire transcript, but I hit 90% of the high points.


STEPHANIE BUILDS AN ARMY

Of young writers… according to the Torch newsletter, Steph doesn’t feel right bossing older, more experienced writers around so she has a bunch of easily controlled kids on board to oogle her tits and follow her orders without question. The more I hear, the more sure I am that most of the company’s problems can be placed squarely on her shoulders.

By the way, no one cares for Brian Gerwitz’s writing, but he just cares that Vince approves. Everyone DOES admit that Gerwitz writes KILLER promos, pretty much anything by the Rock and Booker T can be traced to him.

Russo’s gonna clean this shiznit UP!!! He’s coming.


CHASEY CHASING

Finally, an update on Chasey Lane. She’s doing a mainstream (well… umm… Richard Grieco is in it) movie, and she did an online interview with the director. No big shakes there, but there ARE recent pictures… CLEAN pictures so Widro and Ashish can relax.

Read it here

I don’t care if she has every disease on the planet… I don’t care if her chooch has invented NEW ones… I would BANG HER UNTIL MY BALLS DEFLATED.


WADE KELLER: STUDMUFFIN

This relates to an item last week:

In the most recent Torch Newsletter, while doing the Roundtable on the third NWA PPV, Wade had THIS to say about how the announcers handled the Lingerie Battle Royal:

From listening to the Announcers during the lingerie battle royal, you’d have thought they have been locked in prison for the last 30 years given the way they reacted to the women. Either that or they graduated from the David McLane School of Announcing.

He’s right… but keep in mind, this is coming from the guy who REALLY knows how to charm the bimbos

Molly is carrying a reasonable level of weight on her rear end.

Oh Wade… you CAD!!

This guy is really starting to worry me.


A HOT BABE ACTING LIKE SHE’S ALL THAT? NO WAY!!

Earlier this week, Jim Ross made THIS cryptic statement:

Some days I wonder if being a WWE Diva is a blessing or a curse. Should be a blessing but some have certainly challenged that theory. Of course, my theory could be wrong.

Uh oh… when JR starts dropping little hints like that, people wet themselves. Net people mostly, eager to be the first to report who exactly Ross was talking about!!

Well, Dave Scherer is the winner of THIS race! As HE is the first to say:

I have heard from numerous sources that this week he was talking about Stacy Keibler when he wrote what he did on Friday. I have heard that JR is down on Keibler right now. Stacy herself has reportedly told friends she is aware of the heat, but there’s nothing she can do about it. Her schedule is very demanding, even for a WWE performer. She has to work house shows, do photo shoots, do Diva specials, work out in the ring with Fit Finlay to improve as a wrestler and also do a lot of promotional work for the company. It ends up being a lot of days working and very few off.

Because of her push and sudden and popularity, Stacy is both well liked and resented in the locker room, depending on who you talk to. Keibler has reportedly lost the respect of talent relations and the agents lately by being late and not showing up for workout sessions. Some of those people are saying she is developing the “Diva attitude” that did in Sunny and Sable before her.


Always looking for a BRIGHT side to end things with Dave wrapped up by saying that Stacey is just a little “burnt out” and Dawn Marie will assist her by taking up some of her slack.

In a related note: Trish Stratus is a very polite, nice girl… right up until she blocked me off AIM.


CHOW TIME FOR THE WWE

Picked this up at 1bob.

When the Smackdown crew were at Boston, they had the post card meal at the Kowloon Restaurant, right off route 1.

Chris Jericho, Rikishi, Albert, Mark Henry, Nidia, diva Stacy Keibler, and the Dudley Boyz, ate more than 60 lobsters, 25 pupu platters, 20 orders of Saugus chicken wings, and scores of Kowloon specialties. Took them 3 hours to clean the place out.

My dad used to make me a “pu pu platter” of his very own…. and he’d make me eat every last drop… I can still taste it… rat F-ing bastard… I HOPE YOU DIE SO I CAN SPEND THE INHERITANCE ON MOUTHWASH AND SHRINK BILLS!!!! DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

This was basically a NON-story, but it bleeds in quite nicely with this REALLY a cool story!!


I’D KILL FOR FREE FOOD

Texas… F-around in Texas and you will pay.

But they’ll be sure to FEED you before!

Here are what some inmates ordered for their final meal before Texas made them ride ol’ sparky. I WAS going to point out what they did to earn a painful death, but it turns out, they were all murderers. And a few armed robbers.

Prisoner #999223… Daniel E Reneau killed 6-13-02: One tray of French fries with salt and ketchup, one tray of nachos with cheese and jalapenos, one cheeseburger with mustard and everything, and one pitcher of sweet tea

Prisoner #999115… Jeffery Williams killed 6-26-02: Six pieces of fried chicken, French fries, six rolls, Tin Roof ice cream, strawberry soda, and chocolate cake

Prisoner #999157… Stanley Allison Baker Jr. killed 5-30-02: Two 16 oz. ribeyes, one lb. turkey breast (sliced thin), twelve strips of bacon, two large hamburgers with mayo, onion, and lettuce, two large baked potatoes with butter, sour cream, cheese, and chives, four slices of cheese or one-half pound of grated cheddar cheese, chef salad with blue cheese dressing, two ears of corn on the cob, one pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and four vanilla Cokes or Mr. Pibb

Prisoner #999124… Ronford Lee Styron Jr. killed 5-16-02 (this guy beat his 11 month old son to death… 11 MONTH old): Mexican platter with all the works, two classic Cokes, pickles, olives, and Cookies and Cream ice cream

Prisoner #927… Vincent Edward Cooks killed 12-12-01: 12 pieces of chicken (thighs and drumsticks), 2 double-meat cheeseburgers on toasted buns, 1 large place of brown french fries with ketchup, 2 large onions (cut in slices), 2 large tomatoes (cut in slices), 6 sweet pickles, salad dressing, 5 sliced jalapeno peppers, peach cobbler with extra crust, and milk. (boy went ALL out)

Prisoner #897… James Joseph Wilkens Jr. killed 7-11-01: Six scrambled eggs, hash browns with onions, two sausage patties, biscuits with butter, two pints of strawberry cheesecake yogurt, two pitchers of sweet milk, and a pint of strawberry ice cream

Prisoner #691… Miquel Richardson killed 6-26-01: Chocolate birthday cake with “2/23/90” written on top, seven pink candles, one coconut, kiwi fruit juice, pineapple juice, one mango, grapes, lettuce, cottage cheese, peaches, one banana, one delicious apple, chef salad without meat and with thousand island dressing, fruit salad, cheese, and tomato slices

Prisoner #879… Alvin Goodwin killed 01/18/2001: Chicken fried steak, baked potato stuffed with ground meat, cheese, jalapenos, large order of french fries with ketchup, 10 Cheese sticks, pitcher of grape juice, and cheesecake with cherry topping

Prisoner #994… Jack Clark killed 01/09/2001: Jar of polish pickles, small wedge of cheese, tossed salad with Italian dressing, cheeseburger with mayo (all the way), large order of french fries with ketchup, relish tray, and a pitcher of grape juice

Prisoner # 980… Claude Jones killed 12/07/2000: 8 soft fried eggs, bacon, sausage, 1 t-bone steak (well-done), 6 slices of buttered toast with strawberry jelly, and a pitcher of cold milk

And these last two almost qualify as “aww, how cute”

Prisoner #838… Gerald Lee Mitchell killed 10-22-01: 1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers

Prisoner #964… Odell Barnes Jr. killed 03/01/2000: Justice, Equality, World Peace. All Odell wanted was for us ALL to get along… as EQUALS!! Of course, he was executed for stabbing, beating, and raping a woman before shooting her point blank in the face… THEN robbing her

If I was in this position… I’d order $50 worth of Taco Bell AND a gallon of baked beans… then I would hold it in. It’s the ONE time an adult is allowed to shit in his pants, and by God I’m going to give the MAN something to clean up! I’ll make his day a living HELL!


GOD IS NOT A SMARK (2)

Speaking of death, and Hell…

Last week I reported that Jeremy Botter finally cracked under the pressure of dealing with “Scooter” Keith (they called him “Scooter” back at RSPW ten years ago… high time we bring it back) and ran to join the Army of God. I also offered my assessment of how some people do NOT use God in the spirit it was meant, but use Him as a crutch to cover their OWN shortcomings.

Obviously, I got some feedback.

Go home, read the New Testament, and then speak about this when you know something. You like to offend people – consider it done with me. You have free speech, granted, but you should spend your time talking of things that you have knowledge of. Dave Henson

Later, he invited me to sit down and talk about this. Yeah, I do that, and next thing I know, I’m half a cyborg and betraying the Federation while facing down William Frakes who is telling Mr. Worf to “fire”. I will NOT be assimilated!

SOME people agreed with me… such as this guy:

I am a born again Christian believer, so it frustrates me to see so many people who DO become drones, rather than living FREE, like we’re supposed to. In light of these tendencies, your opinion is understandable. I’d just like to offer my take, since the issue is one that’s important to me. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on trying to save your soul or anything. The way I see it, people try and complicate the message of the Bible so much, tacking on all sorts of rules and conditions, and making all sorts of arbitrary condemnations. Dancing is sinful, loud music is sinful, playing cards are sinful… whatever. Jesus Christ wants us to love and to live in freedom. True Christianity comes with living a life through LOVE. So yeah, I try to follow Christ. I socialize. I dance. I watch movies, some of which have breasts and nipples. I play violent video games. I jerk off. I go to church. I go to KoRn concerts.

The way I see it, I “minister” by being an authentic human being and relating to others.
People often forget that Jesus hung out with prostitutes.

One CAN be a Christian and not be a drone – the way I see it, the most authentic Christianity DEMANDS a drone-less existence.

Just thought I’d offer a view from the other side. Love your column, by the way! Oh, and I’d like to put in a request for the Baseball Bat rating system to be brought back in the future. That thing rocked.

A Loyal Reader,

Gabe

See, he’s got the right perspective. I can hang with him.

Finally, someone sent me word on exactly WHAT Jeremy B was hooking himself up with:

Hey, Hyatte, what’s up? Just thought I’d drop you a quick note. I grew up in Dallas, TX nd can tell you a bit about the place Jeremy Botter is attending, Christ for the Nations, the biggest eyesore in the D/FW metroplex. It’s a Pentecostal brainwashing facility (oh, pardon me, they prefer to call themselves “Charismatics” now). I used to work at the Olive Garden with about 10 students from there, and, let me tell you, if that’s what it takes to get on God’s good side, then I’m booking my condo in Hell. They used to preach to the Mexican busboys all the time, trying to convert them from Catholicism, because that was leading them straight to Hell. One of them even told our manager that he wasn’t practicing true Christianity because he attended an AME (African Methodist Episcopalian) church. These people used to spend their weekends down in Deep Ellum (Dallas’ Grenwich Village) group preaching and generally f*cking up everyone’s good time. So I just wanted to let you know what your old pal Jeremy is getting into. If you have even a modicum of influence over him, get him to become a Hare Krishna. It’ll be kinder.

Michaelangelo McCullar

I don’t know… the image of a bunch of people cornering a poor Mexican bus boy and screaming, “REPENT, REPENT OR BURN IN HELL!!!” and the bus boy responding with “Que? Que?” Just cracks me up.


THE RETURN OF THE MAN CALLED AL

Well, lo and behold… he’s back.

Al Isaacs is back and “scooping” on a semi-daily basis. Of course, he can’t call it “Scoops” anymore… sold the name away, but he CAN call it Al’s Wrestling Scoops and offer it as a sub-site to his main deal

For those who don’t know… Scoops was the biggest site around. Bigger than 1bob, bigger than those goofs at Wrestleline, bigger than the Torch, Meltzer, and bigger than your mother’s chooch. It was SO BIG that guys like Ryder and Scherer and even that fag Scaia took shots at it. Then I came aboard and shot back… then everyone shut up. Scaia’s such a pussy. No balls once someone gets in his face… still true to this day.

Anyway, I left Scoops and a year later, it folded. One of those deals where Al sold the site to a company, snowball.com, who had no clue how to make money off it, so it gave up. Well, Al’s back… and brought the RED STRIPE WITH HIM TOO.

Terry Taylor does a column there… and Freakboy continues to do the whole “coat tail” thing.

Al had a report on Shawn Michaels last week…. seems that HBK is starting to get some influence going… or so he claims:

Last weekend at the AIM (Athletes International Ministries) Conference in Nevada Shawn Michaels was telling folks that he has been meeting with Vince McMahon to try and straighten out the product that WWE was putting out. “He told him that it is time to rewrite wrestling – it is time to go back to old school again. He (Shawn) told Vinny that he owns it all, he is wrestling now – and people are getting tired of the crap and 5 minute matches. it is time to re-invent wrestling by taking it back to it’s roots and promoting it the way it used to be. And Vinny was receptive to him!”

The note also goes on to mention that HBK is planning on setting up a Bible Study Group behind the scenes of WWE for all those wrestlers who are interested.


Good luck to HBK on trying to get Jerry Lawler out of High School parking lots and into the hands of GOD!!


THE RETURN OF THE MAN CALLED AL… UMM, AGAIN

I’m not a gamer. I don’t own PS2, or the Cube, or the Box, or even Atari 5200. I can’t… I don’t need more incentive to waste time. I would rather go outside and get some fresh air.

But, so long as they keep evolving, games will always be huge business… and the Cube has a Wrestlemania 18 game out that I’m SURE you all either have, or are pestering Mommy and Daddy for. (sad thing is, you’re probably TWENTY FIVE!!!)

Anyways, AL ISAACS is not only BACK… with the RED STRIPE but he’s back with SECRET GAMING TIPS! I think. I don’t own the game… I don’t know HOW well known these tips are… but I need wrestling related material soooo here are some hints, courtesy of my ex-Boss:

Quite a few fans trying to master the WRESTLEMANIA 18 game on the GAMECUBE system writing in for help. Well amigos, I’m not fortunate enough to have that system or to have tried the game. But I contacted my friends over at THQ and they came through with some tips and pointers for unlocking new characters. I suppose that could be considered spoiler material, so swipe ’em if you wan ’em

– You can unlock Vince McMahon by winning the Intercontinental title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode.

– You can unlock Rhyno by winning the Hardcore title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode.

– You can unlock Chris Benoit by winning the Heavyweight title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode

– You can unlock Raven by winning the Light Heavyweight title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode.

– You can unlock Ric Flair by winning the European title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode.

– You can unlock Stacy Keibler by winning the European title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode.

– To unlock the original SmackDown Arena, win the heavyweight title in the “path-of-a-champion” mode with The Rock.

– To unlock the Royal Rumble 2001 set, win the 30-man royal rumble with any wrestler.

– To unlock the WrestleMania X7 arena, use all of the available arenas in the exhibition mode.


Please, don’t bitch at me if this is obvious stuff. I don’t CARE.

God Bless the Red Stripe

Burn in hell, Remy “The Slammer” Artiega… and take Freakboy with ya’ (never liked him)

This makes TWO sites (that I’m aware of) that has the word “smarks” in it’s title… shit ain’t right.


HELP A BROTHA OUT… UPDATED

Last week, I posted an e-mail someone sent me from a supposed terrorist. To be fair, I DID say it was probably a scam.

Yeah, it was… and tons of people pointed it out to me. Including one of the smartest men I know:

Hyatte, That so-called “Get Rich Quick” letter from the Guy With The Alpha-Bits Spelling Surname is, of course, one of the many, and I do mean MANY scam letters currently flooding the Internet and mails right now.

These are collectively grouped into what’s called the “Nigerian Scam” or “Formula 419” letters. “419 is the criminal code ID in Nigeria for this sort of fraud. Basically, the letter writer says that he’s got a lot of money (millions and millions!) but he’s scared that the country he’s in (Lebanon, in this case) is too unstable a place to bank it, so he’s looking for someone in the USA to help him safeguard his riches. There is some meaningless paperwork to fill out (qv) and then he asks for your bank account or credit card number to go along with your name, address, and ssn. This is usually all the thief needs to gain access to your bank account and clean it out.

It’s one of the dumbest scams I ever heard about, but it’s amazing how many people fall for this long distance thievery.

The Nigerians used to try it face to face, dragging the mark to his bank to empty the account, but that got stopped when a number of marks got wise and yelled for the cops.

Hey, why don’t you pass the letter along to Sean Shannon? He could use some extra cash, can’t he?

Thanks for the Ben Affleck poster. “Daredevil”, indeed! Between him, Brad Pitt, and Ben Stiller, we have definite proof that Hollywood is dead.

BTW, ever read Kenneth Anger’s “Hollywood Babylon?’ It shows in savage detail that today’s crop of Hollywood crybabies and wannabes aren’t a patch on the shenanigans the REAL Hollywood stars were up to back in the 20’s and 30’s out in LaLa Land.

Great column, sir.


E.C. Ostermeyer: Maybe the all around smartest Net guy we have… except for the fact that he sometimes posts at Scaia’s loser site.

I, of course, am the SECOND smartest guy around.

Incidentally, the person who sent me the e-mail in the first place was all like, “I KNEW it was a scam! I didn’t send it to the FBI! I knew it ALL ALONG.” Sure you did, Pal… suuuuure.


RYDER: BOX OFFICE CHAMPION

No, not BOB… Winona… and not her either.

In fact, NO one named “Ryder” had the number one movie.

Men In Black II: That 80 minute rip-off (80 minutes… I’ve rented pornos that were longer) made 90 MILLION dollars over the 4th long weekend.

Mr Deeds: made 18 million. It’s up to 74 million

Like Mike: 12.72 mil. It only pounded out about 20 million. (GOOD, anyone who’s a fan of “Bow Wow” after watching him show off his fleet of luxury cars–that he can’t even DRIVE–on MTV should be boiled in jericurl)

Lilo & Stitch: 12.8 mil. It just broke 100 million

Minority Report: 12.4 mil. It’s at 96 million.

This has been a public service. From your pal Hyatte.

A VISIT WITH THE LORDS OF PAIN

It IS a slow news week, so you get this.

The Lords of Pain is a site that’s been around for a long, long time… it has it’s own large solid fan base who seem to stay there and only there. The have one, genuine “famous Net Guy” named “Mr. Tito” and seem to happily mosey along not bothering anyone. Minding their own business.

So I figure, since the only time I ever go there is when I pick their site to pull message board quotes, why not spend a little quality time over at the “LOP” and see what kind of columnists they have. Is it any good? Is it worth anyone’s time? Plus, if Widro and Ashish ever throw me off, is it a good site for ME to go to? Stuff like that.

So, here’s a free preview of that quiet, shy little site called the Lords of Pain!

First, some guy whose name forgot, but his column is called “Selective Memory” (oh IRONY RULES!):

Minimal Subliminals – Quick Rants & Smartass Comments

– Let me get this straight”¦ They suspend Austin to prevent further damage to the WWE product”¦ Then hire Vince Russo the very next week?!

Hyatte: Um no. The suspended Austin because he walked off the show… thus, he already damaged the product.

– Bob Holly’s new catchphrase is, “How do ya like me now?!””¦ My new catchphrase is, “Who are you again?”

Hyatte: A guy trying to make a living, and has a lot of potential, and seems to be enjoying as decent push… and is well respected among his peers. Who are YOU, again?


– Divas Undressed: Just one more reminder why Jazz should keep her clothes on.

Hyatte: Umm… okayyyyyy

– Austin won’t put over Guererro, but Hogan will put over Angle. Did I step into an alternate universe? What’s next? X-Pac gets over with the smarks?!

Hyatte: Putting over Guerrero was NOT one of Austin’s beefs

– WWE is thinking of dropping the Hurricane gimmick. God forbid, Helms should have a marketable persona while working there.

Hyatte: He’s got a good point here. Other than the gimmick was pretty stupid, and no one would be caught dead in a “Hurricane” t-shirt

– Riddle me this”¦ If WWA cancels their tour due to lack of interest, does anyone give a damn?

Hyatte: Nope.

– Arn Anderson is allegedly getting up to his old tricks. As long as he doesn’t run with scissors, let him be.

Hyatte: Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Sid the one who went for the scissors?

– Toby Keith made an appearance on NWA – TNA. I think I would have preferred an appearance by ALF.

Hyatte: “Willie” is a gay crackwhore

– Memo to Raven: Isn’t it a little bit ironic that your character has been relegated to a show called Heat?

Hyatte: A bit

So, that’s him. Eh. You can tell he’s still a teenager…. and not in the upper teens either.

Then, I found this… a farewell. I love when net writers say goodbye. They can’t go out cool (like I did in that big burn out last October) and so whatever reason they REALLY have, they have to BLAME THE BUSINESS:


The Bottom Line – Let me entertain you by Easy J

The show must go on, for some of us at least. Sometimes, we do things for so long that, eventually, we get burnt out. Wrestlers are constantly expected to perform well because, for them, the show must go on. Wrestlers are constantly expected to perform at such a high level, and eventually they get burnt out. The audience tends to overlook this and they immediately lash out when they feel they didn’t get their money’s worth. A good example of this would be Chris Jericho, and his recent performance at the King of the Ring.

It’s the same thing with writing. When Vince Russo originally left the World Wrestling Federation, Vince McMahon had no choice but to take over almost all of the writing duties himself. This caused him a lot of stress and he became burnt out. When writers get burnt out, they’ve basically run out of good ideas, and lose their passion for what they’re supposed to do. Unfortunately, I fit into that category.

As a writer, I’m supposed to inform or entertain, depending on my possion. Unfortunately, I’ve used up all of my good ideas and I have lost my passion to write. I can’t completely blame that on the cuurent state of wrestling or, specifically, the product of the WWE. All I can say is that I’m burnt out, and I can no longer entertain you. I want to thank you all who read and responded to my column during my brief stay here on the main page, and maybe someday I will return. Until then, take it easy…

And that’s The Bottom Line, cause Easy J said so.


Ick.

I pretty much bailed after that.

So what did I learn? Is LOP worth visiting? WHAT’S THE DEAL?

It’s just as dippy as every other site… this one included. The writers are just as bad (or good) as any other site… this one included.

Feh…. I need to get laid more.


ONLY STEVEN SEAGAL CAN SAVE US

I picked this up somewhere deep in the aint-it-cool message boards. If you ever go there, you might see a poster named “zsmooth”. I swear, it ain’t me, but I find it very flattering.

On Deadly Ground was a Seagal movie that had Michael Caine chewing scenery and collecting a big paycheck as the villian. Seagal not only starred in it, he directed it, and maybe produced it too. Since he was all high and mighty at the time, with every movie of his a success, he decided that HE had to make a movie about the DANGERS of pollution. A subject he was very passionate about. (who could forget his “breaking kayfabe” on Saturday Night Live when he looked into the camera after destroying Chris Farley and delivering the high octane comedy SNL is FAMOUS for and said, “This is what happens when you pollute!!”)

Here’s the transcript of Steven Seagal’s longer version of movie’s BIG speech. It’s the FULL version, not the 3 minute monologue that was in the film. This is UNCUT… and absolutely priceless:

How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines? Engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage and water? Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon? Or electric or magnetic engines that can practically run for ever? You don’t know about them because if they were to come into use, they’d put the oil companies out of business. The concept of the internal combustion engine has been obsolete for fifty years. But because of the oil cartels and corrupt government regulations we, and the rest of the world, have been forced to use gasoline for over one hundred years. Big business is primarily responsible for destroying the water we drink, the air that we breathe and the food we eat. They have no care for the world they destroy. Only for the money they make in the process. How many oil spills can we endure? Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the oceans and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies 60 to 90 percent of the earth’s oxygen, which supports the entire marine eco-system which forms the basis of our planet’s food supplies. But the plankton is dying. I thought well, let’s go to some remote state or country, anywhere on earth. But in doing a little research I realized these people brought their toxic waste all over the world. They basically control the legislation, and in fact they control the law. The law says that no company can be fined over $25,000 a day. For a company making $10 million a day by dumping lethal toxic waste into the ocean it’s only good business to continue doing this. They influence the media so that they can control our minds. They make it a crime to speak out for ourselves. And if we do so, we’re called conspiracy nuts. We’re laughed at. We’re all angry because we’re all being chemically and genetically damaged, and we don’t even realize it. Unfortunately this will affect our children. We go to work each day and right under our noses we see our car and the car in front of us spewing noxious and poisonous gasses that are cumulative poisons. These poisons kill us slowly, even when we see no effect. How many of us would have believed if we were told twenty years ago that on a certain day we wouldn’t be able to see fifty feet in front of us? That we wouldn’t be able to take a deep breath because the air would be a mass of poisonous gas? That we wouldn’t be able to drink out of our faucets, that we’d have to buy water out of bottles? The most common and God given rights have been taken away from us. Unfortunately the reality of our lives is so grim nobody wants to hear it. Now I have been asked what we can do. I think we need a responsible body of people that can actually represent us rather than big business. This body of people must not allow the introduction of anything into our environment that is not absolutely biodegradable or able to be chemically neutralized upon production. And finally, as long as there is profit to be made from the polluting our earth, companies and individuals will continue to do what they want. We have to force these companies to operate safely and responsibly, with all our best interests in mind, so that when they don’t we can take back our resources and our hearts and our minds to do what’s right.

Inspiring… DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD FOR STIFLING SEAGAL’S SPEECH!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

I was so damned touch, I made it a point to stop farting in public… no way my gas will clog up the ozone some more. Yes, from now on, all my farts are saved for the bedroom… and if I have a bitch handy, it’ll go right in her mouth. PFFFFT… you know you like it, baby… all you chicks do.

For you college kids who are taking Drama for the easy elective, I dare you to use this speech for a scene. F-these old fart playwrights with their classic plays that your gay Drama Teacher drools over… go for Seagal’s work! BE UNIQUE!!


THE GREAT WRESTLING SMOKE-OUT

Okay, for those, who are arriving late the party, a recap:

The following folks were named as being seen sparking the Marlboro’s….

Stephanie McMahon, Lex Luger, El Gigante, Jason: The World’s Sexiest man, Andre the Giant, Paul Wight,Yokozuna ,Rick Rude (although he probably quit by now, Nick Patrick, Tommy Rich, One of the Hebners…the one who screwed Bret at the Survivor Series, One of the white Dudleys, Superstar Bill Graham, Jim Duggan (in High school at least), Jimmy Snuka, Shawn Michaels (at least when he’s drunk), Steve Regal ,James Vandenberg , Gene Okerlund, Philip Lafon, Kane, and Randy Savage

…and the two guys who elicited the MOST response…which tells me that they are BIG TIME chain smokers.. John Kronus and Jim Ross.

Here are some guys who have been seen chewing tobacco…now I have been dipping Copenhagen for over a decade now..so I consider these guys my brothers in spit: Terry Funk, Kurt Angle, The Undertaker, Steve Austin, Rick Steiner, Dusty Rhodes, Dustin Rhodes, Rick Rude(again, chances are that he gave it up by now) and the BIGGEST chain chewer of all time…. TAZ

Tammy Sytch and Chris Candido are crack whores. And… well, there’s Jake Roberts. Oh, and Scott Hall.. I hear he has some problems

Since then… I’ve gotten the following updates:

Rena Mero is an occasional smoker, but she CLAIMS to prefer cigars to cigarettes

And recently, I got this creepy e-mail:

Hey Hyatte… this isn’t exactly a smoking story but…

My buddy went to a party at an apartment in Syracuse YEARS ago and at the party were Road Warrior Hawk and Shawn Michaels, when he was still a Rocker.

Hawk and Shawn were both smoking
(AN EXTREMELY NASTY SUBSTANCE) from a can (high-class). Shawn was terribly embarrassed when my friend walked in on them, but Hawk was just plain f*cked up and overly nice.

AB

Just so you know I was the one who made that edit. It was hardcore shit.

Hey, EVERYONE experiments when they’re young. I’m sure both Hawk and HBK learned from their mistake and now live life on a NATURAL high. One little party does NOT an addict make. One time only deal. A loooong, loooong time ago.

Keep it coming, people.


SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN

Not sure if you noticed”¦.

You just read that Prisoner # 838 Gerald Lee Mitchell’s last meal was 1 (one) bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers. While this may seem odd to you, you ain’t on death row”¦.

“One” (is the loneliest number) was a popular song for Three Dog Night, which detailed the perils of romance and the subsequent breakup of said romance in a blistering diatribe of hurt feelings and mournful tones”¦.

The word “diatribe” (for those not proficient in the English language) basically means a “comment straight from the heart” or something that one WANTS to say but normally does not have the NERVE to say”¦

In the Wrestling world, a “diatribe” is, for the most part, known as a shoot, and is actually quite rare. Certain circumstances will bring a wrestler to cut a “shoot” promo or, for lack of a better word, kill his own career”¦

One such “shoot” promo was the diatribe that Shane Douglas used to “put over” ECW while in the meantime BURY what was left of the organization for whom he won the title”¦the NWA”¦

The NWA is, of course, attempting to return their company to a relative modicum of respectability, most recently running PPV’s and crowning a new champion. This attempt could not occur without the proper financing. The most prominent financier being the owner of 1wrestling.com”¦

BOB

SIX DEGREES OF RYDER FAKIN


Flea Who WILL call you back if you hang up on him in exasperation… and don’t EVER dis Tony Orlando to his face.


BUT PLUGS

Pat Brower does Velocity. Oh, wait, no he doesn’t… GEORGE Brower does. This keeps up, one day old school tough guy rassler’ BULLDOG Brower will be recapping this nonsense.

Confidential is a repeat so PK throws up a repeat recap. Smart lad… no fool he.

Brad Jennette does Heat. What the F*ck happened to Jacob Ziegler? He bail out already?

The WWF is coming to his town and Jim Vanderhorst does not give a flying crap. Oh, he’s pissed

Daniels makes it loud and clear that he’s hungover…. and tells you all to go straight to hell. Fun read.
There are seven things Josh Nason LOVES about the WWE and three things he HATES. Thank whatever God he prays to, for letting him decide to share them in his latest The Fight Club

Finally Ken Anderson exhaustively examines WCW in 1990. The only thing I was examining in 1990 was my first up close look at the vagina. Man, those things are ugly.


BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY

Here’s a real sweet Classic Closer from DEEP in the old Scoops files.

I guess this was posted somewhere in 1998. I never date these things.

Back then, I was asking the audience which was a better service, AIM or ICQ. I ended up getting both. I guess I still have an ICQ account, but I’m never there…. ever. Turns out, I’m an Instant Messenger kind of guy I guess

I asked about AIM and ICQ. This inspired PornServe to send me this example of what you can expect from AOL Instant Messenger. I kid you not when I say that it CRACKED ME UP…..and it also made me weep for the future…good Lord..there are a LOT of RETARDS out there…as this little AOL Instant Messenger exchange will show: Remember, PornServe is a REAL guy

PuggyBaby1: HI

PornServe: Hi! Do you wish to talk?

PuggyBaby1: YA OK

PornServe: Great! With the Interactive Talkmatic, you can talk to PornServe for hours at a time!

PuggyBaby1: WHAT?

PornServe: We can talk about: (pick one) Sports, Current News Issues, Occupation, or Other!

PuggyBaby1: OTHER

PornServe: Great! What do you wish to talk about? And for how long?

PuggyBaby1: DUNNO?

PornServe: You have selected: DUNNO? Great! How long would you wish to speak to the Interactive Talkmatic?

PuggyBaby1: ?
PuggyBaby1: HOW DO U DO THAT?

PornServe: You have selected: ? Great!

PuggyBaby1: HOW DO U DO THAT>

PornServe: So, begin the chat! What is it you do?

PuggyBaby1: GO 2 SCHOOL
PuggyBaby1: HOW OLD R U

PornServe: You have selected: GO 2 SCHOOL! Great!
PornServe: You have also selected: HOW OLD R U! Great!

PuggyBaby1: WHAT I DONT GET IT AM I TALKIN TO THE RREAL PERSON U?

PornServe: Your time with the Interactive Talkmatic is up. Please send a self
addressed stamped envelope, along with your check for 75 dollars! Thank you,

PuggyBaby1!
PuggyBaby1: NOY?
PuggyBaby1: U STUPID U MEAN IT?

PornServe: Your selection of NOY? is invalid. Please send your check for 75
dollars. Thank you!

PuggyBaby1: Y 75 DOLLARS?

PornServe: Your selection of Y 75 DOLLARS? is invalid. Your time with the Interactive Talkmatic is up. Please send a self addressed stamped envelope, along with your check for 75 dollars!

PuggyBaby1: IF I HAVE 2 SEND U 75 DOLLARS I WILL GET ALL MY FRIENDS TO BOMB U SO TOO BAD I AM NOT SENDIN 75 DOLLAS 2 U SO GO F&% URSELF.

PornServe: Thank you, come again!

PuggyBaby1: SHUT UP
PuggyBaby1: AND U GET NO MONEY.
PuggyBaby1: !

PornServe: Thank you! Hope to be hearing from you soon!

PuggyBaby1: NO NEVER AGAIN

PornServe: Thank you for your time!

PuggyBaby1: AND NO MONEY
PuggyBaby1: GOT IT OK?
PuggyBaby1: LOL I AM NOT WORRIED

PornServe: Your refusal to send money will result in automatic canceling of
your Interactive Talkmatic usage.
PornServe: We mentioned the fee in previous Instant Message Notes. Thank you.

PuggyBaby1: O WELL MI DAD IS A DETECTIVE AND IF I DONT GET WHAT I WANT U WILL B SORRY CAUSE HE WILL FIND OUT WHO U R AND U WILL BE IN TROUBLE!
PuggyBaby1: NO MONEY OK?
PuggyBaby1: GOD THAT IS SO DUMB!

PornServe: Thank you, come again!

PuggyBaby1: SHUT UP

PornServe: Thank you, come again!

PuggyBaby1: REMEMBER MI DAD WILL FIND OUT WHO U R!
PuggyBaby1: NO I WONT

PornServe: Thank you, come again!

Four years later… nothing has changed

I’m about to leave you now. Another Midnight News in the can… another EVENT wrapped up.

Remember… John Candy had 65 pounds of fecal matter in his intestines when he died. Now there’s an ice breaker for ya’

Only Seagal can keep this rustbucket ship we call earth afloat… dammit Steve, fight for the children!

This is Hyatte