Slayer's Sports And Stuff!



Me: Wanna hear a joke?

Mistress: Ok

Me: What’s Black and White and Red all over?

Mistress: A newspaper…

Me: Nope! The 2004 World Series. HA HA HA HA HA!

Mistress: That was horrible….

Me: Not as bad as this column!

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! The entire planet is falling apart as we speak but that’s ok! I’m in such a wonderful mood because I just drank LOTS of Myer’s and Coke!!!! Yummy! Myer’s the dark rum for the dark soul……….Speaking of dark souls, how about them Bostonians? The Red Sox are up TWO games to Love, the Patriots streak just keeps on growing and growing and growing, but today we got a couple more eulogies to do and we’ll take a quick peak at college football. And of course in our main event; I fight our fantasy expert Adam Jacobs!

BUT, FIRST! LOGITECH MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!! (or why I wasn’t here last week)!
So I bought a new keyboard/mouse combo. My old one was by a cheap company called Micro and lasted approximately 18 months. Not bad for 20 bucks. But this time, I decided to go bling bling on my new keyboard/mouse. So I bought a FIFTY dollar keyboard/mouse cordless combo. The mouse was so gentle and flowy; the keyboard was like typing on cotton! But then i inserted the CD and KABLOOIE!!!!!!!!!!! My McAfee went ‘OH MY GOD! AN EVIL SCRIPT!’; and everything went to hell and my computer would NOT re-load! So then I spent the next two days deleting files, adding files, resetting the registry and other things I have no dam clue about. I was reading this piece of paper I saved that told me what to do if my computer ever died and how to give it CPR. So now things are almost better….but not completely. Anyway, the interview I did last week will not be this week because then there will be too many interviews this week, so I’ll put it in next week, and maybe move next week’s interview to another week or just do both within one week. I don’t know what the hell I just said.

Check out our NBA PREVIEW! Don’t worry, I have nothing to do with it, so it’ll be really good!

Mike Hulse did not take his Depicote this week and just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Mikey likes baseball! He really likes it!

Musings is here as it is every Monday like a reliable sunrise! All Red Sox fans must read this. Everyone else should too! As for Mark’s awesome Weekly Pulse, I have no resentment that it totally jacks from my old ‘all the news and views’ format I used to use forcing me to radically change the style and direction of my column. None at all!

Paul Carmon’s team won the AL pennant! And This Fan still doesn’t seem happy… He need a lollipop and a balloon!

Goddam! Did you check out last week’s Second and Long? Not only was it long but it was equally enjoyable as well! It’s long and he knows how to use it folks! Now that’s writing! He also raises the class several levels from things like I just said….

Since my last column, we don’t have one new sports writer. We don’t have two new sportswriters, we have THREE new sportswriters. Oli Porter, Tal Aulbrook, , and Lee Trundle! Welcome aboard guys!

Also, the IP Sports ban is still on for She Who Must Not Be Named! The only way to lift this ban is to play the magic harp to pass the three headed dog, get past the asphyxiating flowers, fight the key wasps, play real chess against stone warriors, face the Mirror of Erisad and finally destroy the sorcerer’s stone!

Let’s do Eulogies!

Houston Astros: Died at 98 Wins, 76 Losses
You started out the season with the ultimate coup; Andy Pettitte for a hometown discount price and Roger Clemens after he decided that two weeks with the family he always wanted to spend time with was long enough. Roger did some amazing things in the first half of the season ,but Andy got injured. Remember August? You were considered a team that was on the outside looking in. When the Wild Card predictions were being bantered about in September, they were talking about Cubs, Giants, Marlins, and Phillies. But all those teams choked and you kept playing .600 baseball throughout the last month sneaking your way in. Then you won your first playoff series ever! You then took the best team in the National League all the way to the distance despite being down 2-0.
Your death is deemed: Honorable

And now…the death you’ve all been waiting for…..

The New York Yankees: Died at 107 Wins, 65 Losses
You gave up your pitcher (see above) and in return got a has-been. You gave up your most clutch player for a diva. You gave up little-ball for Home Runs. Most of the fans were willing to give up Bernie Williams and Mariano Rivera in return for bad karma. You thought you could win with a rotisserie league. You thought wrong. You then lost your last four games to the Boston Red Sox in the ALCS. Congratulations, you’ve made history. Now, every time a playoff team is down 3-0 in any sport guess which team they’re going to use to show it can be done. The question some people are asking; was this the greatest collapse in sports or the greatest achievement? In your case, does it matter?
Your death is deemed: Dishonorable

Lots of NFL and MLB coverage going on, so I’ll fill in the blanks and do some college football action!

Win of the Week: Then number #7 Utah-63 UNLV-28
So important, they traded places with Wisconsin to grab number Six. Remember, they get into the top 4 and they are guaranteed a BCS berth!

Loss of the Week: Boston College-25, then #23 Notre Dame-23
They did it again! Either way, what was so funny about the whole thing was that the homer announcers on NBC in the last minute of the game assumed they won and started looking over the rest of the shceudle and stated ‘You know, if they win their next two out of three, a BCS berth is very possible.’ The other announcer agreed and then they giggled and chirped. Then this happened. HAHA! I have no rooting interest. I just like to see jerks eat their words. An honorable mention also goes to Mississippi St. for knocking out Florida out of the BCS Top 25 for good and getting Zook fired…well, that’s what WILL happen eventually.

BCS Love of the Week: UTEP at #24
That’s Texas-El Paso folks. Now we have two WAC teams in the top 25! Ranked 33 and 39 by AP and the Coaches yet ranked in the Top 10 by four out of the six computers. Go Figure! They beat Weber St., New Mexico St., Fresno St., Hawaii, and Louisiana Tech. They also lost the only two competitive teams they played: Arizona St. and Boise St. Ok……

BCS Hate of the Week: Southern Mississippi
After going 5-1 in a fairly competitive schedule, they don’t get allowed in the door. Intriguingly, they face California in the last week of the season.

Game of the Week: 2) Oklahoma vs. 19) Oklahoma St. Noon/ABC (regional)
The Cowboys would love to ruin the Sooners’ season..again. Now the other game at Noon is Ohio St. vs. Penn St. I don’t care if I live in New York, I better not get that game or I will kill somebody….

Other Game of the Week: 15) Arizona St. vs. 9) California 10:00/TBS
Basically, a Rose Bowl playoff game, possible championship implications as well.

OK….here’s the rundown of all the other games of undefeated teams.
1) USC vs. Washington St. 7:00/ABC (west coast only)
3) Miami (FL) vs. North Carolina 7:00/ESPN2
4) Auburn vs. Mississippi 7:45/ESPN
5) Florida St. vs. Maryland 3:30/ABC (regional)
6) Utah vs. San Diego St. 10:00/Gameplan-CLL

Please welcome Adam Jacobs! IP Sports’ fantasy expert! Is there anything you would like to say to the Sports and Stuff audience?

Adam: Adam Jacobs is a 24 year old single guy living in Atlanta, the black hole of professional sports. When not cheering for his beloved Cubs or becoming 10% of the Hawks fan base, he fills his head with eons of useless facts (mainly from television). This past weekend he visited Boston where he caught Pennant Fever.

Slayer: I see you like to talk in first person. So let’s get on with it. I’ll give you first and last word on everything.

ITEM: Fantasy Leagues Kill Sports. True or False?

Adam: I think this depends on what you mean by killing sports, but I’d have to say false. If anything fantasy leagues increase interest in viewership in sports. Case in point, the NFL sponsors its own fantasy league through Why else would I tune in to watch otherwise meaningless games like Cincinnati-Miami (as I did a few Sundays back).

Slayer: It distorts the reality of what is going on in sports. It also lessens some of the greatest things about it. For example, if you had Troy Brown on your team, but Brady was throwing it all day to P.K. Sam; instead of seeing a rookie come of age, you would be angered that Brady didn’t throw it to your guy! Also, let’s say you’re a Chiefs fan but have Tiki Barber on your team and they’re playing the Giants. What would you root far? The Giants to lose but for Barber to score 3 TDs and run for over 100 yards while they’re losing?

Adam: That’s a common argument against the fantasy game, and I can see the validity of it. It varies though. I will always cheer for my teams, and will not be upset if they win, no matter how it happens. My thinking is usually if the other team does score, hopefully it will be with the player they have that is on my fantasy team. The fantasy player versus the home team conundrum is the worst thing about fantasy sports. It can be gut-wrenching, but I feel that most fantasy team owners have more loyalty to the real game and their team than they do to their fantasy squad. There are always other options to play for your fantasy team. If you still don’t believe fantasy sports is taking over, check out how statistically skewed CBS coverage has become this year, for the sheer fact they know that a larger and larger percentage of the audience plays fantasy football.

Slayer: I’m not arguing it’s popularity. Fox and ESPN have ‘fantasy stats’ on their scoring line. Most leagues sponsor ‘official leagues’. Heck, it’s only a matter of time before we have one on IP Sports. And I’m all for it due to it’s popularity but that doesn’t stop me from arguing that it’s just as bad as gambling in terms of distorting the reality. Just like people who gamble scream ‘Go for the touchdown, not the field goal..the spread is 4!’, people in fantasy leagues when the lines set up don’t visualize the whole game, all the say is ‘please give the ball to my guy’!
And another negative thing is that it brings down ‘non-point achievements’. A guy can run or catch for 200 yards, but if he didn’t score a TD, then he had a BAD DAY.

Adam: I don’t disagree if the game is otherwise meaningless to the person watching it, and especially early in the season (before the playoff picture develops) I’d say most games don’t mean much to the average fan. How many teams do you really care about? As far as the skew towards scoring, leagues have adapted, and many leagues allow you to choose your own scoring system. In my league 10 yards equal a point for a RB, so 200 yards is better than Jerome Bettis scoring 3 TDs in week 1. Some leagues are even awarding points for receptions.

Slayer: So like all things, it’s evolving, eh? As for your question. I like football, period. It’s the reason I’ve never seen an episode of Friends or ER. Because I’m took busy watching New Mexico St. vs. North Texas on ESPN2.

Adam: I can clearly see you have no interest in playing fantasy sports or any kind.

Slayer: No, I don’t. Because it will skew all the reasons I love sports. Drama, excitement, progression/regression of a team, etc.

Adam: And being a football fan, have you never thought that you could assemble a better team than someone else?

Slayer: Do i think can assemble a team better then Bill Bellichek or Bill Parcells…no..i don’t

Adam: So in each game every week in the NFL there is a team that you are unequivocally rooting for?

Slayer: Slayer: yes, there is. I usually make up something. Even if not; the game is good enough where I don’t need to root for anybody.

Adam: Then your point is well taken, though beyond the Bears and Falcons (and whoever is playing the Packers) I don’t have a vested in many teams. So the fantasy game doesn’t really ruin many games for me. This is an interesting question though, perhaps we should put up a poll on the IP Sports site.

Slayer: Daniels is busy enough. If I ask him to do one more thing, he’s going to kill me.

Adam: Something to consider for the future then. What do you want to talk about next?

ITEM: Some say Cubs/Cardinals is one of the great rivalries in sports. But others say it’s simply child’s play. When looking at other great rivalries such as Yankees/Red Sox, Chiefs/Raiders, and Bruins/Canadiens, some say Cubs/Cards just doesn’t add up. What do you think?

Adam: I think that this is the first I’ve heard of a big time Chiefs/Raiders rivalry, perhaps you meant Broncos/Raiders. I’d say that in order for a rivalry to have added meaning both teams have to be successful, which of course can’t happen every year. For this reason, Yankees-Red Sox is certainly the marquee rivalry today. Having said that, if the Cubs were currently playing the Cardinals instead of the Astros, I don’t feel like the NLCS would be the playing the role of red-headed step-child that it is now. With all things being equal, and assuming all teams involved are doing well and playoff caliber teams I would put Cubs-Cards in my top 5. The top 5 would also include Yanks-Sox, Broncos-Raiders, Bears-Packers, and Eagles-Giants.

Slayer: First of all, KC/OAK is a HUGE rivalry and has been since the AFL days; Just ask Laflin, don’t question the Itemizer! I’m not talking about rivalries that are made up by the media. I’m talking about where the PLAYERS and FANS HATE each other. SL/CHC seems so….nice

Adam: Respect is different from love. Both Cubs and Cards fans can appreciate good baseball, it doesn’t mean we want the other team winning. I can’t watch the NLCS because of who is playing.

Slayer: One of the arguments is that Cubs fans don’t prioritize winning. They look at baseball as simply something to do during the day. Sure it’s nice when they win; but it’s not life or death. And even though on a philosophical level, that is probably the way it should be; it is still not the way it’s supposed to be! They say cubs fans prioritize beer, sausage, and a suntan when at Wrigley Field. As long as they get these things, who cares what the score is?

Adam: Speaking as a Cubs fan, I can tell you that there are not many things that would bring me as much joy as seeing the Cubs actually come through and win the World Series (and as for those things that would bring me more joy, we’re talking things like children being born). Its not that we don’t want to win, we’ve just become accustomed to the team losing, hence the “lovable losers” moniker. When I watch the game I want the team to win. I mean how can you prioritize beer when it costs $7 a pop? Back to the first point you brought up, when the Cubs play the Cards the win takes on added meaning.

Slayer: The difference is fan who has a stake in Yankees/Red Sox or Maple Leafs/Red Wings would give up their first born to win a series against the other team. Cards/Cubs fans would give a lecture on family values.

Adam: You don’t give up your first born to win a series from a team you play 6 times a year minimum. You give up one of your first born’s kidneys to win the World Series though.

ITEM: Why won’t a southern state vote Democratic during presidential elections yet have democratic governors and senators?

Adam: Being a democrat that is a very good question. I can’t help but think that a vote for Kerry doesn’t do a whole lot when my vote goes to the electoral district that sent Newt Gingrinch to the House of Representatives. I think a lot has to do with the Southerners being more religious and having more wholesome values. The South did vote for Jimmy Carter though in 75.

Slayer: He was from Georgia though…

Adam: So? Also I am of the belief now that Zell Miller has been a Republican spy posing as a Democrat his whole life.

Slayer: Zell Miller destroyed whatever credibility he had left. In MOST States (i.e. the national stage) demagoguery doesn’t work. Don’t they understand the republicans don’t care about poor white people. It’s a centrist group based on strengthening the powerful and the southern good wholesome baptism is just along for the ride? Don’t they get that? Don’t they understand when Bush cuts taxes, or Kerry raises taxes, it doesn’t effect them either way?

Adam: You’re preaching to the choir.

Slayer: And can they pleeeeeeeaaasssee get over the civil war. I mean is the North still mad at Canada for in invasion of 1812!

Adam: Hey man, Stone Mountain is the Mount Rushmore of the South! Where else are you going to see a huge piece of limestone with carvings of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis among others? Plus they shoot a laser show off its face. Wooooo!

ITEM: What do you think of IP Sports?

Adam: I think the guys who run the site are gawdawful losers who don’t know right from wrong, but how bout those writers? That guy who writes the fantasy sports columns really know their stuff! What kind of question is that? Seriously? How am I supposed to answer that?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Adam Jacobs in all his glory! You can catch him every week in the Fantasy Peninsula right here in IP Sports!

Adam: Wait!….

Slayer: What? It’s Over! Go home!

Adam: I want to ask YOU a question.

Slayer: Ok….

ITEM: If you had 1 million dollars to spend on something frivolous, what would it be? You have to spend the money and it can’t be for productive reasons.

Slayer: I’d buy a house…because when I’m through with it, I can sell it for even more money.

Adam: that’s too meaningful, it has to be something stupid. No investments

Slayer: a really really really long vacation around the world.

Adam: You’re hopeless.

Slayer: A really really really long vacation in Amsterdam, is that better?

Adam: No, it still sucks. I would buy a bat signal and shoot it over various major US cities with no prior warning. If all pans out I’ll be able to pique the interest of a supervillian. Because you can’t have heroes without villains, and the war on terror is boring me.

That’s it! See you next week evertybody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!