Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Mary Alice narrates the previously this time instead of random male voice, which works a lot better but oh, how I still hate narration when recapping. Anyway, Susan starts a fire over at Edie’s house accidentally and leaves evidence of her presence for Mrs. Huber to find in the remains of the house, Gabrielle continues to have wild sex with her gardener, Lynette tries to get her kids under control, and Bree pulls out all the stops to stay with Rex.
Mary Alice continues the train of narration by talking about her many identities that she maintained before her death. She then explains that labels are important to those who want to see themselves as something important.
Lynette, for example, saw herself as a successful career woman in every way, but she gave that up for the label of full-time mother. Lynette gets a phone call and ends up at a school of two of her children, who have blue paint on their hands. Lynette goes in the classroom where the incident happens and talks to the teacher. Turns out that the art cabinet was left open for five minutes, which was five minutes too long for the Scavo boys. They apparently did something nefarious with the paint to a little girl, and the teacher slyly suggests for another time that the boys might have ADD and need to be medicated. Lynette isn’t having any of that, but the teacher explains that she’s the only one who can handle both of the twins. So a new idea from Lynette: separate the twins and put them in different classrooms. The teacher agrees, but warns that if there’s any more trouble, Lynette might have to find another school for her children. Lynette’s label is ready to change again: She will now be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue. And sure enough, Tiffany and her mother walk by Lynette and the boys, Tiffany looking like the newest addition to the Blue Man Group. Lynette just looks in shock at Tiffany.
You’re watching Desperate Housewives, starring a whole bunch of very hot women. TV-PG, but don’t let that fool you, because we got a whole bunch of other letters to throw at you. LDSV!!!!!! Fooled you into thinking it was safe!
Back to Wisteria Lane now, and Mary Alice foreshadows that it’s going to be another interesting episode today. Well, she doesn’t say episode, but whatever. We move right along to Bree playing the tape of Mary Alice’s therapy sessions, stolen from her marriage counselor who Mary Alice also consulted with. Turns out that Bree and the other Housewives are all listening to this at the same time.
Dr. Goldfine and Mary Alice talk about a recurring nightmare, in which Mary Alice stands in a river and sees a girl underwater screaming “Angela” over and over again. What’s the significance of Angela? That’s Mary Alice’s real name. Mary Angela she shall be called from henceforth. Gabrielle has seen Mary Angela’s driver’s license, and it most certainly did not say her name was Angela. Bree explains that the rest of the tape is pretty much the same thing about the nightmare and a girl that Mary Angela is afraid of. None of the Housewives know how to proceed from here. They look over at Mr. Young and give him a wave, and then Susan suggests they show The Note to Paul, since his house will be sold fairly quickly. Gabrielle is glad that Paul’s moving, because he gives her the creeps: There’s something malignant about him. All of the Housewives agree, but Bree tries to get in the last word. “That being said, I do love what he’s done with that lawn.”
At the Mayer’s residence, Susan watches a shirtless Mike do yardwork in a hypnotic trance, continuing to wash the same dish for an extended period of time before Julie finally gets her to stop scrubbing the same dish. Julie suggests again that Susan try and ask for another date, but Susan says she’s playing hard to get now. Julie questions how long that can last, and Susan informs her that it’ll be over at noon, at which point Susan will run over to Mike and beg for his love. It’ll be too late by then, however, as Julie points out that Edie is busy washing her car for the second consecutive day, complete with hoochie clothes and loud music. For those of you wondering what song Edie is listening to while seducing Creepy Plumber Mike, it’s the Bar-Kays “Do It (Let Me See You Shake).” Ah, the wonders of closed captioning. Edie even decides to sponge herself down with the sponge that has collected grime from her car. Really sexy. Edie is all wet and Mike might be preparing to pitch a tent so Julie suggests that Susan go over to Mike. Susan doesn’t know what to say, and Julie gives her an alibi for meeting with the Creepy Plumber: A piece of junk mail that was accidentally delivered to the Mayers’ instead of Mike’s. Julie was a trooper and hung on to it in case of an emergency, and Susan thanks her as she hurries out the door. Susan gives the junk mail to Mike as Edie seductively watches from her seductive car with her seductive sponge and her seductive water. Susan heads back for home, but Mike starts a conversation about old movies which gives Susan the victory of catching Mike’s attention. Edie can’t believe she put dirty water on herself for nothing and stomps away.
Over at the Huber residence, Edie arrives and immediately declares her hate for Susan in a rather awful metaphor: “Every time I see those big doe eyes of her, I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer.” Ms. Huber is jonesing for gossip and wants to know what Susan is up to, and Edie informs her that Susan is throwing herself at the Creepy Plumber — again. Ms. Huber has been clueless to the whole Susan/Mike relationship, and seems to get an idea for shenanigans in her head as Edie walks off.
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…back at the school, and Lynette rushes up to the teacher to ask what the problem is. Turns out that the boys refuse to be separated, and the teacher’s hands are tied as far as forcing them to be separated thanks to school regulations. The teacher invites Lynette to give it a shot though, since she’s too busy eating sunflower seeds to do actual teaching. Lynette gets to pick which one goes and which one stays, as Lynette goes into the classroom and the loud noises begin immediately. The teacher opens the door and sees Lynette dragging one boy away, but he’s holding onto a desk as well as the other boy on the other side of the desk. Lynette is not fazed, however. “We’re going to take the whole table! That’s right!”
Over to Gabrielle, as she soaps up her partner in infidelity as they take a bath. The bell rings to interrupt their fun, and John freaks out, assuming that it’s Carlos. However, Carlos wouldn’t ring the door bell. Gabrielle looks out the window and sees the cable guy, three hours late. She advises John to use the side entrance to make his escape, as Mary Alice notes that even though John and Gabrielle had broken off sexual relations for the night, John had left a token of his appreciation on accident: his socks. This is going to turn out well.
Cut to the Van De Kamps’ house, as the children talk about the fight that Rex and Bree had, it was “Divorce Court” bad. They both hear Bree humming in another room, and the son says that if Rex walks out and leaves the children with Bree, he’s going to lose his mind. Bree shows up just then and announces that dinner is ready with classical music playing in the background. Bree is looking especially sexy today. Anyway, the son asks where Rex was yesterday, and Bree quickly weaves a lie about a last-minute call to speak at a medical conference in Philadelphia. Will they be playing tennis there? The daughter declares the marriage over as the son turns and walks away, not wanting to lose his sanity.
Back to the Solis’, as the cable guy tries to make small talk but Gabrielle encourages that he hurries and gets the job done. The cable guy has trouble with a cord, and slips on the wet floor trying to pull it out of the wall. Carlos arrives and wonders what is going on, but Gabrielle explains it as they take the cable guy off in a stretcher and Gabrielle follows. Carlos is left alone as he smells the same scent that the cable guy smelled. Upon further investigation, he finds it weird that so many candles are set up.
Ms. Huber arrives at Susan’s house with a pie in tow, and says that she doesn’t need a motive to do something nice, she just wanted to bring it over. Susan invites her in, and Ms. Huber begins to go into a spiel about mincemeat, and then talks about Carl, which leads into Mike Delfino. Susan admits that she likes Mike as a friend, but Ms. Huber doesn’t want Susan to be coy. Ms. Huber wishes Susan the best in trying to get Mike since Susan is so desperate to get it. Susan denies being a desperate housewife but then Ms. Huber drops the bomb on Susan and announces that since Susan was willing to burn down her rival’s house, she must be desperate. Or an arsonist. Whatever. Susan calls Ms. Huber crazy, which brings out the measuring cup, looking more charred than previously. Susan denies that being her measuring cup, but Ms. Huber’s point is that she wants to be there for Susan now, and be able to help her–the measuring cup thing can be their little secret. Blaaaaaaaackmail. Ms. Huber insists for the third time for her to try some of the pie, and Susan accepts it in a daze, gulping it down.
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Back to the Van De Kamps’, as Bree wants to talk with her son. Bree wants to know where he went last night, and when he lies, he covers that up by drilling Bree and her lies regarding the whereabouts of Rex. Her son called Rex’s cell phone and he knows that his father moved out. Bree wanted to protect him from the truth since she still believes that it will only be temporary. The son will have none of that, and is basically very upset that Bree has driven Rex off.
Carlos is getting ready for work and looks under the bed for something, discovering John’s sock. Gabrielle notices Carlos’ handling of the sock, however, and immediately grabs some clothes, rushes downstairs, puts them in a side room, and runs into Carlos, who wants to know about the sock. Gabrielle lies and says that it belongs to Yao Lin, the maid. She doesn’t wear size 13 gym socks, she just dusts with them. Carlos is skeptical, but Gabrielle shows the side room with the clothes–turns out they’re all socks, and they’re supposed to belong to Yao Lin. Niiiice.
Susan’s at the supermarket, and here comes Ms. Huber. Huber tries to make small talk, but Susan gets to the point and once again denies that she burned down Edie’s house. Mike comes up and invites Susan to a film retrospective of Alfred Hitchcock, but Susan doesn’t think she’s a fan–which is a lie, since Ms. Huber is watching. Ms. Huber knows what’s going on, however, and then goes into a spiel about how she doesn’t have to deal with the secret if she doesn’t want to. Ms. Huber wants only one thing right now–have Susan pay for her groceries. Man, that’s low.
Over to Bree as she suggests that the twins should be medicated if it’s safe. Lynette would feel like a failure if, after having a successful career as a woman, she’s unable to handle three little boys without doping them, lest she feel like a failure. Bree admits that Lynette’s kids are a challenge, but Lynette doesn’t want to change the bad stuff about her kids at the risk of changing the good stuff–like the mug they made for her. Bree then points out that the mug is leaking, but Lynette shrugs it off. Just then, Gabrielle and Susan arrive, announcing that they’ve invited Paul over to show him something. Cut to the Housewives gathering with Paul, as Lynette explains that there may be more to Mary Angela’s death that meets the eye. Paul gets nervous at this thought, and Susan eventually hands over the note that Mary Angela got the day she died. Paul reads it and immediately begins to sob, and then runs off.
And now, a word from our sponsors…okay, that whole sobbing stuff from Paul seemed very forced, obviously. Since he’s creepy like Mike.
Carlos walks down the stairs and notices Yao Lin using socks, confirming Gabrielle’s story as she listens in from the other room. Yao Lin has always been using socks, and it’s not a Japanese thing…she’s Chinese. After Carlos leaves, Yao Lin admits that she doesn’t like lying. But Gabrielle doesn’t like her lying, so they’re even.
To a soccer field now, as John is practicing it up with Gabrielle watching on. Gabrielle beckons John over, and reveals the sock. Gabrielle wants John to wear sandals from now on, even though John might lose a toe. “Imagine what you would lose if Carlos finds out that you’re trimming more than the hedges.” …WHAT?!?!?! Anyway, Gabrielle notices that John’s friends are staring at her, but John says it’s only because they think you’re hot. Gabrielle is flattered and gives a wave to the boys as she walks off.
Back with Bree, as her son is missing once again. Her daughter suggests to call Rex and have him go kick Andrew’s ass, but Bree can handle things by herself. Just not with any success or anything. Bree wants her daughter to call Andrew and find out where he is, despite the protests that Andrew will know that Bree set this up. Sure enough, after seconds, Andrew knows what’s going on. Bree grabs the phone and admonishes Andrew, but then realizes that Andrew might be at a bar. Andrew immediately hangs up, and Bree is angered. She immediately storms off, kicking Andrew’s door in and rummaging through his room, eventually stumbling upon a matchbook for a bar named Topsy Turvey. Rut-roh.
Now to Topsy Turvey, as Andrew spits out his beer at the first sight of his mother. Andrew can’t believe that Bree went in his room, but Bree changes the subject and tells one of Andrew’s friends that “that was a lovely solo at church last week.” Niiiice. Andrew’s friends split, and Bree wants to take Andrew home, but Andrew was humiliated in front of his friend and he won’t be going anywhere. So Bree takes a seat, wanting to see what the fuss is all about, and even orders a drink as Andrew is ashamed. As they watch a stripper dance, Bree launches into a rant about the girl and what her origins must have been to make her come to this runway. A random stranger advises Andrew to get Bree out of here, since she’s killing it for the rest of them. Andrew and Bree take off.
Ms. Huber gives Susan a call and advises Susan to pick up the phone since her lights are on and screening phone calls is so tacky. Ms. Huber mentions that she needs a new water heater, at a cost of six hundred dollars, which she can’t afford. Susan wakes up Julie and tells her that she thinks she’s being blackmailed. Susan explains the story about the fire at Edie’s, and Julie can’t believe it. But she doesn’t want Susan to admit to the police what happened, if only because it’ll give Carl an excuse to reopen a custody case, and Julie doesn’t want to live with her father. You can visit this website for more information.
And now, a word from our sponsors…the only mystery in this show so far is what’s up with Paul and what’s up with John trimming more than just the hedges when it comes to Gabrielle. I mean, seriously. What the hell does that mean?
John is mowing the lawn in his sandals and turns off the lawnmower, as Carlos wants to talk. He asks about the cable guy, and eventually figures out that since John saw the cable guy, he must have been in the house for four hours. John changes his story, and Carlos wants to know whether he saw him or not. John sticks with the story that he didn’t see the cable guy, and Carlos asks if Gabrielle asked John to lie for her. John doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything, and Carlos thanks John, walking off with all he needs to know.
Back with Susan and Julie, as they work out a plan to distract Mrs. Huber while Julie steals the measuring cup. Uh, what? Isn’t that kind of obvious? I guess they could destroy the evidence, but whatever, Ms. Huber will know that it’s Susan. Susan hates that she’s turning Julie into a thief, but it’s their measuring cup after all, they have nothing to be ashamed about. She leaves Julie some gloves for the sake of not leaving fingerprints.
Onto the plan itself, as Ms. Huber arrives home. Julie and Susan immediately begin playing frisbee, with Susan mostly doing a bad job of acting like nothing is amiss as she throws the frisbee to the back of the house. Julie goes to fetch it from Ms. Huber’s backyard and also to fetch the measuring cup, as Mike comes jogging up, asking if they need help getting the frisbee. Mike wanted to know if things were okay between him and Susan, and wants to know if Susan is mad at him. Mike is glad that she’s not, and asks for another date, which Susan accepts this time. And here comes Edie, coming home from work early as she doesn’t feel good. Susan doesn’t want Edie going back into Ms. Huber’s house, but Edie can’t believe that Susan wants Edie to watch this battle over Mike. Mike is ready to take off, and Edie is ready to go back into the house, as Susan stops her one last time, going for broke and inviting Edie along with Mike and Susan to watch the movies on Wednesday. Mike only has two tickets, and Edie is ready to walk off again, but Susan stops and offers Edie her ticket to go to the movies alone with Mike. Edie likes that idea, and Mike reluctantly accepts it, as Edie asks Mike what time they should meet. Julie appears with the measuring cup hidden behind the frisbee. Mission accomplished.
Over to the CABLE GUY’S HOUSE! WHOO! He answers the door and there’s Carlos to punch him in the face! SWERVE~! Carlos beats the cable guy up, assuming that he had beaten up on the guy that had sexed up Gabrielle. Then Carlos notices a poster on the wall for a broadway musical and then another photo on another wall of a man’s bare chest. That’s right, our cable guy is as gay as a daisy in May. The cable guy confirms this, and then Carlos walks off knowing that he just beat down on a gay man for no good reason.
Paul comes up to Lynette and Gabrielle, and tells them that Mary Angela was a very troubled person, which is why he reacted so badly to the note. Apparently Mary Angela left herself messages and also the rest of the family. Paul wants them to keep it to themselves for Zach’s sake, and they agree as Paul walks off. Gabrielle and Lynette agree that he must be lying. I agree.
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We’re in the home stretch and back at Lynette’s as she listens to her boys while looking at various newspaper articles about her career woman lifestyle. Lynette asks the boys to come over, and then gives them the medicine. Or at least tries to, as she turns back the boys are gone. They’re hiding under the table and refusing medication, and Lynette makes a decision to not bother with the kids medication and instead decides to drink her pains away. Oh, that’s a wonderful solution.
Bree is cleaning Andrew’s room, and apologizes about lying regarding Rex. But Andrew doesn’t think that’s enough. Bree will only give up so much, however. Bree doesn’t think that it’s all her fault, and Andrew realizes that, but he doesn’t want Rex to leave. Andrew then asks Bree when he can have his door back…as the camera pans over to a door-less entrance to Andrew’s room. Bree tells him that it’ll be three months as Bree walks out with the laundry. No spanking the monkey for Andrew.
We cut to a live news report as the headline says it all: Gay Rights Advocate Victim of Hate Crime. Oh dear. The reporter explains that he was brutally attacked, and the reason might be that he wanted same-sex partner insurance coverage with Cliffside Cable. Gabrielle watches this as she bathes with Carlos and then sees the sketch of the man, shocked to see that it looks like Carlos. Gabrielle has nothing to say, however.
Ms. Huber walks up to Susan’s porch and immediately accuses her of stealing the measuring cup. Susan denies everything…except that she destroyed the measuring cup. Ms. Huber says she would’ve kept her secret, but Susan knows better than that. Ms. Huber doesn’t want to be unpleasant and just be friends. However, Susan can only be a good neighbor when deep down, she hates Ms. Huber’s guts.
Back with the housewives, as they talk about Paul’s possible lie about Mary Angela. Bree is skeptical about whether or not it’s a lie, and Susan points out that the message is so violent, why would Mary Angela write it to herself.
Over to Paul, who’s hired a man to find out who sent the note to Mary Angela. Mary Angela begins to speculate herself who sent the note that likely led to her suicide. Could it be a neighbor that lives a few feet away? Of course, they don’t actually show the neighbor, just the house, so if it’s one of the Housewives, we’re going to have to identify her by house.
So is Paul still lying or did someone send the letter other than a member of the Young family? I think it might be someone else, just to add intrigue to the whole thing.
Honestly, that’s really all this episode had as far as mysteries go, and we continue to wonder more about Creepy Plumber Mike but we’re not getting any answers. Oh well.