Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by IBC Black Cherry Soda. Nothing goes better with pizza… or vodka.
Congratulations to the Red Sox for not only stomping out those f*ckers in New York, but also sweeping the Cardinals and doing away with that supposed curse. Now, we’ll see you guys again in 2090, in a levitating stadium over Boston Harbor.
I’m sure you’re tired of being told this, especially if you have planned on it all along, but go out and vote this Tuesday. For the greater good. Here’s something a stumbled upon last week whilst cleaning out my AIM files…
viceroymonarch: VOTE DEAN
The following is a recent dialogue that occurred betwixt myself and the girl I’ve been seeing…
Her: [Some girl at work] used to have a really hot boyfriend, despite the fact that she’s pretty huge.
Me: Oh, really. That’s pretty random.
Her: Yeah, she used to wear one of those necklaces with the photo hologram in the center. The guy looked like 50 Cent.
Me: Huh…
Okay, so that’s when I got to thinking and made the following correlation…
If she thinks 50 Cent is hot, and she thinks that I’m hot, then does that mean…
That’s right, folks… As of the end of this sentence, I am officially retiring the weekly 50 Cent Looks Like jokes. They were with us every week for 15 straight months, and they have served us well. We here at The Saturday Swindle Sheet would like the wish the 50 Cent Looks Like jokes the best in their future endeavors, whatever those may be.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 9 of 16)
Oingo Boingo, “Dead Man’s Party”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (FREAKY HALLOWEEN EDITION)
That_AMPUTATEDLEG_Guy had some Hispanic chick (let’s say… Mexican) with large breasts swinging on his nuts at the gym, and he decided to be a good husband and not take advantage. As a result, he contracted Montezuma’s Revenge by proxy. We Mexicans have the power to curse unsuspecting people with that infirmity. Just ask Seth Monroe. Oh, he knows…
MALEVOLENT Mathan Erhardt does something unheard of and plugs another work in his teaser BECAUSE HE CAN. He does a breakdown of XXL‘s 10 Most Anticipated Hip-Hop Albums, that were supposed to come out this year, and we realize that only 3 of them have actually dropped. Then again, this is rap music we’re talking about. They pay attention to deadlines about as much as me (I think I’ve only had this posted on Friday at midnight 4 times out of 67, and those were my first 4 weeks). I’m still waiting for this supposed 2002 release to come out.
When D’ENTRAILS isn’t launching an all-out vitriol against some random band or issue, he’s given Fingers a run for his money on the staff forums. Fingers was recently able to regain the lead, but then Tom tied him and took over the lead gain. Fingers then took the lead again and tied Tom again. Tom then took the lead again and currently has the most posts. Jesus would be proud…
So would Mickey Dolenz…
GHOULPHLEGM has an entire column dedicated to New Kids on the Block. My sister used to have those dolls, too, but I don’t think that she used to throw them up the air and try to get them to land on her crotch. Now, if they made a Rivers Cuomo doll…
GORY Whitelaw has more music to help you score with smart people, as well as rich old women. This week he kicks it Czech style, which Prokofiev and a beer that they used to sell at my favorite club for $1.50. Little known Jeff Fernandez fact: Jeff Fernandez is part Czech, and has also partied in an area of Chicago known as Pilsen, which ironically happens to be saturated with Mexicans.
MONSTROUS Mike Lawrence crosses back over to music for an outstanding tribute piece on Elliot Smith. Check it out, and then try the new TenderCrisp sandwich at Burger King. Sorry, Mike, I’m just really hungry…
REVIEWS
Irish Pub Rock Band is back.
Mike Eagle is disappointed.
The Australian Pink Floyd Show is NOT a laser light show for hippies on acid.
This deli tray is unacceptable.
Death From Above 1979 would be a cooler band name without the year.
NEWS TO USE
R. Kelly has been kicked off of the joint “Best of Both Worlds” tour with Jay-Z after a reportedly long string of chicanery that finally culminated in him being assaulted by a member of Jay-Z’s entourage this past Friday at Madison Square Garden in New York. According to Kelly, about an hour into the show, he was well into his set when he said he saw two men in the crowd flashing guns at him. He abruptly stopped singing and left the stage, telling security to search the crowd, otherwise he wouldn’t be going back out. After a security sweep of the floor turned up nothing, Kelly started to make his way back out onto the stage, but was stopped by a member of Jay-Z’s posse. The man, who was more than likely pissed off because of the disruption, sprayed Kelly and two of his bodyguards with police-grade pepper spray. Jay-Z resumed the show on his own as Kelly and the other two men were taken to a local hospital, treated, and released. This incident caps off a series of issues between the two artists, including Kelly showing up more than two hours late for a show in Chicago as well as his stopping in the middle of a set and walking off stage at the show in St. Louis. When asked about the Madison Square Garden incident, Jay-Z told a reporter for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “You can’t get a gun inside Madison Square Garden … If people give me love he can’t take it. He’s just jealous. Plus, I think he’s pissed off because I wouldn’t let him urinate on any of my groupies.”
Prolific BBC radio producer John Peel passed away this past week at the age of 65 while vacationing in Cuzco, Peru, sustaining a massive heart attack. Peel (né John Ravenscroft) had worked in radio for over 40 years, starting out in Dallas, Texas, and soon thereafter moving back to his native England where he was present for the launch of the BBC’s ubiquitous Radio 1. He built up a large following by featuring many of the hottest new acts, as well as a large number of fledgling bands on his radio program, Top Gear, a majority of which would later gain international fame. Here is an excerpt of my commentary on Peel from the upcoming October edition of The Rocktable of Remarkery…
The Birthday Party, Joy Division, The Jesus & Mary Chain, Siouxsie & the Banshees, Pixies, The Cure, Stiff Little Fingers, New Order, Madness, Smashing Pumpkins, The Jam, The Smiths, The Damned, Nirvana, Adam & the Ants, The Buzzcocks, T. Rex, Echo & the Bunnymen, Tubeway Army, The Specials… If you like any band that matters at all to music, chances are that you can find a Peel Sessions album by that band. Actually, no, these things are so difficult to find that they often go for exponentially more than what they were originally sold for. Giving exposure to early punk, new wave, and goth bands in the 80s, Peel also worked more recently with esoteric electronic acts like The Orb, Aphex Twin, Meat Beat Manifesto, Autechre, A Guy Called Gerald (formerly of 808 State), and Plaid. He will be sorely missed by musicians and music fans alike.
Following up on the perpetual story that is Courtney Love, the singer will have to face charges of assault with a deadly weapon (despite her attorneys’ pleas to have it reduced to a misdemeanor) after having gone apeshit on a woman that she encountered at her ex-boyfriend’s house. Love showed up at the house of Jim Barber and found Kristin King sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room. She reportedly became enraged, and aside from throwing a liquor bottle at King, hitting her in the head, she also threw a lit candle at her, before pinching her breasts. I am 150% serious when I say that I did not make that last part up.
Following up on a story from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #64…
Elton John continued with his much-anticipated heel turn last Monday while accepting an award for songwriting at Britain’s Q magazine awards show. The singer stood on the stage and said that it was ludicrous how Madonna had been nominated for an award in the Best Live Act category when she consistently lip-synchs at her live concerts. “Since when has lip-synching been live?” John said. “Anyone who lip synchs in public on stage when you pay £75 to see them should be shot.” He then joked about how he’d probably be taken off of her Christmas card list after having made the comments. Little does he know that Madonna does not celebrate Christmas anymore, because she is too busy studying the cabala and feigning a British accent.
It looks as if the proposed heel turn may not be happening after all, as Elton John has told reporters that he would apologize to Madonna for his delightfully off-color remarks. “I don’t want to escalate it because I like Madonna,” he recently told Entertainment Weekly. “She’s been to my house for dinner. It was something that was said in the heat of the moment, and probably should not have been said … Would I apologize to her if I saw her? Yeah, because I don’t want to hurt any artist’s feelings … The reaction to it was so hysterical. It was like I said, `I think all gays should be killed’ or ‘I think Hitler was right.’ I just said someone was lip-synching. I’m not afraid to speak my mind. I’m not going to mellow with age. I get more enraged about things as I get older because you see that these injustices go on … It was my fault. I instigated the whole thing. But it [still] applies to all those bloody teenage singers.”
Speaking of which, tween pop singer Ashlee Simpson was at the center of a huge faux pas last Saturday as she appeared on Saturday Night Live. Simpson, who was the scheduled musical guest, seemed very awkward during her first performance, almost as if she was lip-synching. Then, everyone’s suspicions were proven with the second performance, when the wrong vocal track was cued up, and the singer was left onstage looking lost and dumbfounded as her voice was blasted overhead. After the mistake was realized, the vocal track was cut off, and Simpson’s band starting play without her in a red herring attempt. The singer quickly walked offstage, crying, and the channel cut to a commercial about a minute in to what is usually a 3 to 4-minute long segment. All I can say about this situation is that these pretzels are making me thirsty.
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Jay-Z is a few days away from finalizing a deal with Island Def Jam Records to become their new president. The rapper supposedly took part in the final stages of contract negotiations this past week, and should be signing a three-year deal sometime very soon. He will then revive his music career and rap about how he is the president of Def Jam in every single one of his songs, which will also all contain a cameo by Pharrell Williams.
Following up on a story from last week, former Soft Cell singer Marc Almond was moved out of the intensive care unit of the Royal London Hospital after having sustained severe head injuries in a motorcycle accident on October 17th. According to a spokesperson from the hospital, Almond is “continuing his recovery” and is in stable condition.
John Hall, formerly of the early 1970s band Orleans, demanded that the Bush campaign stop using the band’s 1970 single, “Still the One,” during its rallies. Hall, a staunch Kerry supporter and former Democratic county legislator in New York, co-wrote the song and said that the Republicans had never asked for permission to use it.
Beyoncé’s less-talented sister Solange gave birth to a baby boy. Usher was nominated for 5 Vibe Awards, while Alicia Keys got 4 nominations. Bruce Springsteen performed at a couple of Kerry campaign rallies this past week. I ate White Castle on Wednesday. It was delicious.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is InsidePulse’s own David “NY Slayer” Goldberg…
For the most part, I do not use music to chill. I’m a chill guy to begin with so I use it to help stir the spirits up. Sure everyone knows my personal favorite is SLAYER but I have no particular genre I love more then the other: Metal, punk, classical, old time rhythm and blues, folk, rap; I go all over the map. But it’s usually to pep me up or create a strong emotion whether it be happy or sad. But sometimes, I just love lying on the couch with the Marlboro 100 in one hand and the vodka cocktail in the other hand; just laying low and letting my mind go to the sweet sounds of music. Here are 20 examples of what you might find me listening to.
Bobby Womack, “Across 110th Street”
The first four songs ironically enough have connections to Quentin Tarantino films. This one I’m sure is obvious to many of you: The opening and closing track to the Jackie Brown film. From what I understand, this is the theme song to an underground blaxploitation flick that never had gotten theatrically released. Either way, this song just strikes at the soul to anyone who had to do to do what they had to while living life in the city. Even if not, I’m sure it would appeal to anyone who has been stuck between a rock and a hard place.
The Delfonics, “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)”
More Jackie Brown goodness. But while the film introduced me to the previous song, this has been a personal favorite of mine since I was a child. I used to sing it when I was a kid and I still do now as an adult. Except of course, it has much more meaning. Just a beautiful rhythm coming from this song and it’s definitely the type of music for those contemplating moods.
The Three Degrees, “When Will I See You Again?”
Continuing our Tarantino voyage we go to Kill Bill 2 (during the Pai Mai scene). It’s
Bill’s favorite soul song from the 70s, and mine too! I was probably the only guy in the movie theater that jumped up and down and understood that line. Much like the song above, I grew up to this one and it’s the type of track that just keeps getting better with age. The modest yet powerful violin solo still makes my heart sink.
Ennio Morricone, “A Gun for Ringo/Angel Face”
Changing gears a bit but not too much since this guy’s compositions were all over Kill
Bill 2. Circle of Death stands out but my personal favorite from the movie was utilizing the “Fistful of Dollars” theme during the Budd/Bride shotgun scene. Ennio Morricone for those of you who don’t know is the BEST film composer EVER! Not a hyperbole, not an opinion, just a fact. There are tons of soundtracks and 100-dollar box sets you can get; and I encourage you to do so. But if you want one of the best bargains in music; get the infamous Best of the Spaghetti Westerns Vol.2 Ennio Morricone. The reason it’s infamous (for Morricone fans) is because most places will sell it for 10-12 dollars! 90 minutes of not just great music, but some of the greatest music! My personal favorite is “A Gun For Ringo” or the lyrical version, “Angel Face.” Half escapism/half bitter realism: Puts me in another dimension.
Johnny Cash, “The Wanderer”
Let’s continue with the western theme and go to one of the legends.
Western/folk/rock/prelude to punk/whatever you want to call him; Johnny Cash is The Man. Trying to think of one song is difficult, but instead of talking about a well known classic, I’ll plug one of his later tunes of the past ten years which unfortunately don’t get a lot of press when they’re just as good as his classics. The Wanderer was actually one of the last songs he produced before his death and U2 does the music in the background. It just sums up everything that is great about Cash; and is the type of song you put on ‘repeat’ to hear over and over again.
Highwaymen, “The Highwayman”
Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings and Kris Kristofferson in the SAME band? It happened! There is a great DVD of it too with them performing in New York. I love their title track, the highwayman. One of those songs about ‘life, the universe, and everything’ that really gets your head spinning. Plus the melody has this great western/samurai feel to the whole thing. Definite music for the spirit.
Willie Nelson, “You Were Always on My Mind”
Speaking of Willie, we got this one. Elvis covers are almost it’s own genre but this is one is just extra special. While the original was cool and heartwarming, this rendition is quite sincere and authentic. Hearing it, you almost think Willie Nelson is about to break down and cry; he give the song a certain pathology rarely duplicated then anybody else.
Kenny Rogers, “The Gambler”
You would think I’m a country/western fan but far from it. All the people I like in that category are so much more and Old Kenny included. This guy is just in his own stratosphere. As for the Gambler, the song is essentially the meaning of life. Confused about the mysteries of the universe? Just listen to this song and it will all be answered. You may not like the answer but at the end it’s the absolute truth.
Leonard Cohen, “This Waltz”
Switching gears again as we go into the more coastal folk music. And let’s face it, is it really a Jukebox without a Leonard Cohen song? He is the king of chill. Much like Johnny
Cash, I find it difficult to choose a favorite, but for this time I’ll go with ‘This Waltz.’ The song is scary, surreal, and just plain sweet. There is a plethora of emotion from this song and it can be quite the roller-coaster ride when one dives deep into it. But like most roller coasters, you’re going to want to go on it again.
Judy Collins, “Both Sides Now”
Intriguingly enough and to show how so many things come full circle, Judy Collins has a wonderful duet with Johnny Cash singing Leonard Cohen’s. “Suzanne.” Of all the female hippie/folk singers out there, she is a definitive favorite. The song ‘Both Sides Now’…well…if I’m in a certain mood, it can make me cry. The song is extremely depressing, almost suicidal, yet at the same time quite revealing with a hint of optimism to make sure one does not go completely over the edge when listening to it.
Linda Ronstadt, “Different Drum”
Somewhat of the same vein of Judy Collins, but her songs are much more happier and she’s become a Karaoke Klassic. ‘Different Drum’ is a song I’ve been hearing on the oldies station all my life, and like others on this list it is a long-time favorite. The harmony of her vocals is hypnotic and the subject matter of the lyrics covers ground that we can all be sympathetic too whether we were the one telling the person or the one being told.
Bob Dylan, “Tambourine Man”
When all else fails, you’ll always have music and no song presents this message better then Tambourine Man. Some great covers of this tune out there and everyone has their favorite, but there is something natural about the original that conveys the almost utter desperation of the lyrics.
Simon & Garfunkel, “Sound of Silence”
Not much I can say about this song that you don’t already know. It’s tried and true and every time it comes on the radio, I’m in a daze. I’ve always been a sucker for S&G, more then I care to admit, but their songs really speak to me. Maybe it’s the Greenwich Village thing.
Stevie Wonder, “Pastime Paradise”
Switching gears again, we go to another musician whose discography is a small novel. Most of his songs though are great singing and dancing tunes including my personal favorite, “As.” But “Pastime Paradise” is the one that fits most into the ‘chill’ category. It’s a very thoughtful and meditative tune about our so-called glory days; with a dark slant that will bring up any of the scarier memories you may have repressed.
Diana Ross, “Theme from Mahogany”
Never saw the movie and from what I head I’m not missing much, but goddamn what a fine song! In fact, it’s become of my whistling tunes. The song is a bit shallow as compared to the rest in this Jukebox, but it’s got a sweet rhythm and asks that one question we hate to be asked, “Do you know where you going to?”
Louis Armstrong, “We Have All the Time in the World”
I don’t need to tell you about Louis Armstrong and if I did, I would need more then a paragraph to do it. All I can say is that this paradox of a love song about a deceased lover is beautiful and haunting at the same time. If you can relate, get ready for some chills but in a very soft and almost divine angelic way that only Louis Armstrong can pull off.
My Dying Bride, “For You”
Let’s do a little goth/doom. Not my cup of tea, but it has its gems and one of them being a band called My Dying Bride that an old friend turned me on too. I just chose “For You” because it’s the one song I tend to listen to the most. Sad, evil, tragic, with a healthy dose of good old fashioned Satanism and vampirism. They just seem to do it better then the rest.
The Shroud, “The Passion of Lovers”
Not the biggest Bauhaus fan in the world, but there is a great tribute album out there in which their apprentices do a great job of their music. The Shroud’s version of “The Passion of Lovers” may be more beloved then the original only because it’s so aspiring. It’s great to hang loose to this song but it also makes an enticing slow dance number.
Queen, “Who Wants To Live Forever”
Gotta put rock in here somewhere, right? Queen is just the type of band where if you listen to it too closely, you’ll end up being amazed by the musicianship as opposed to just appreciating the music. This track from Queen is a small 6-minute epic that goes everywhere.
Angelo Badalamenti w/Julee Cruise, “Don’t Go Away”
Badalamenti is an amazing musician that combined jazz, classical, and minimalism. He also does scores from time to time so you’ve heard his music more then you think (he consistently works with David Lynch). He did a couple albums with vocalist Julie Cruise and once again I’m just highlighting the one I tend to listen to the most. The truth is the albums are great and to but it bluntly: It’s great music to take a bath to!
Thanks to Slayer for taking part in the feature that has gotten so big that it needs a couple of its own area codes. You can send any questions and/or comments pertaining to this piece to nyslayer@4sternstaging.com. Also, be sure to check out his latest edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff.
FROM THE LABELS
From the folks at Astralwerks…
Of course our thoughts this week are dominated by the forthcoming election and our hopes that all of you are getting out there and letting your voice be heard. That really isn’t so much to ask since actually we are the ones footing the bill for this thing we call government. Cynicism is such a convenient area of retreat but it’s still a retreat–we think it’s better to fight for something better than the status quo and politics as usual, no matter how lofty that might seem in the current state of affairs–that all comes down to voting and yes, you have that power.
Radio 4 “State of Alert” – Our own Radio 4 distribute a public service announcement that you can also pogo to.
The Chemical Brothers
Details on the upcoming 5th studio album announced next week!!!! Check back to www.astralwerks.com for details…
Want to party with Tom and Ed into 2005? mtvU wants to give you and 3 friends a chance to see the Chemical Brothers Live in London this New Year’s Eve and $2005. Enter mtvU’s Big Break into ’05 Sweepstakes at www.mtvU.com.
Miss Kittin
Having recently released the brand new Miss Kittin 12″ single, “Requiem For A Hit,” we are pleased to announce that the single is now available at your favorite Digital Service Provider (DSP). Of particular interest is the Glove radio mix, which adds plenty of new sonic mischief and the storming Abe Duque remake, which plenty of our DJ contacts have been giving the solid two thumbs up treatment. Also featured are the “Requiem For A Buzz” remix and a crazy Swiss techno mix courtesy of Mental Groove. You can stream these tracks by clicking on our Miss Kittin microsite or by previewing them at your favorite DSP. Miss Kittin has recently added new features at her artist site www.misskittin.com, including a new DJ mixset (wicked) and diary entry (hilarious). Truly a one-of-a-kind personality, you can discover the world of Miss Kittin on her first artist album, ‘I Com.’
Lif Up Yuh Leg An Trample
“Drawn together by Blur frontman, Damon Albarn and Honest Jons’ collaborator Alan Scholefield, Lif Up… gathers the cream of “the soca train from Port of Spain,” a four day carnival from the cutting-edge artists on the islands of Trinidad and Tobago that literally blows the roof of all suckas. Lif Up is a multi-coloured blast of the incendiary energy of the human Soca Train, powered by the coals of a hybrid Soul-Calypso soundtrack (hence ‘soca’) with its origins in African and Caribbean music. This is true soul music. Filling your belly with sparks that ignite your hips and feet to start your own fires.
The whole nature of the music in the soca train is that everyone gets on and moves in a direction of unity. In defiance of the strict government in Trinidad, the carnival is the chance for everyone to let their hair down. Soca lyrics traditionally touch on all manner of subjects, from current affairs to sleeping around, set to incendiary tunes blasted out in a fury of creativity. Overall, this is a global wake-up call to stuffy music purists not venturing from their lethargic sofa of musical familiarity. Get out there, get into it, and rediscover what your feet and face were meant for. Forget Notting Hill, get me a ticket to Port of Spain to get on board the Soca Train. ” – Andy Jex, Musicomh.com
Killing Joke, For Beginners
“For the uninitiated let me tell you a little bit about Killing Joke. They formed in Notting Hill in 1978. Last year the band made a successful comeback, their first album since 1996’s “Democracy,” with the well-received self titled “Killing Joke.” I reviewed their Preston gig at the Mill last year and let me tell you this – age had not mellowed the band. The ferocity, danger and powerful music remained intact. ‘For Beginners…’ is many things, a compilation, best of, retrospective and a good introduction to Killing Joke.” – Designer Magazine
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
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Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
INFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
De/Vision, “Your Hands on My Skin”
Ferry Corsten, “Rock Your Body, Rock”
Tony D, “Piano Grand”
Juice Newton, “Queen of Hearts”
The Psychedelic Furs, “Sister Europe”
The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, “Very Rare”
Voodoo Glow Skulls, “Walkin’ Frustration”
The Coup, “5 Million Ways to Kill a CEO”
Down to the Bone, “Joy Is a Good Groove”
Ludacris, “Move Bitch”
Stereolab, “Velvet Water”
Garbage, “Medication”
The Mission, “Daddy’s Going to Heaven Now”
A Tribe Called Quest, “Electric Relaxation”
William Ørbit, “Barber’s ‘Adagio for Strings'”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Supra, Ashlee Simpson story.
The transition from the Elton John story into the Simpson story was so good that I couldn’t split the two up.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I don’t give a damn about my reputation.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
