From… God knows when I last did one of these columns…
Long time rader of your fine work… you shit head. Really, though, in regards to your questions concerning trimspa32, avoid at all costs. I have experimented with a few thermogenics in the past few years (xenedrene, stacker, and hydroxycut) and got good results with little to no adverse effects aside from increased sweating. In fact, these along with a good exercise regimine and fairly decent diet helped me drop over 60 pounds in about 6 months. Then I got married and all my efforts went to hell. Recently, I decided to try and get back into form so I bought a bottle of trimspa. After about 1 week of taking the pills, I started having severe headaches and even started running fevers. My blood pressure, which usually runs about 125 / 90 had jumped to 140 / 100. I went to a doctor and was given an otherwise clean bill of health. I stopped taking the pills and my blood pressure is slowly dropping back to normal. But one week later, I still have severe headaches. In fact, so bad that I have had to leave my job (they offered no sick leave) in order to seek further treatment. I have a good working knowledge of suppliments and their propper use, I did not step outside the boundaries (I followed the lable to the letter) and tool no other drastic measures to try and lose weight. Trimsap is a very extreme formula and I dont even know that it is very effective. Even while taking in more than adequate fluids, I constantly felt dehydrated (probably leading to my headaches). I have never said that I would not recommend a suppliment (I was a proponent of ephedera) but stay the hell away from trimspa.
Just looking out for ya bro
Kevin Loftin
Oh you pussy! I guzzle Trimspa like it’s candy corn… up to 7 tabs a day and I feel fine! Haven’t popped a decent hard-on in a month, and the other night I crapped out part of my large interstines… but other than that, I’m aces.
Heya porkpies! I’m Chris and I welcome you to the return of the Midnight News! Much to the rage of Widro (for the next two months we need you MORE THAN EVER!) I needed some precious time off to handle some light business… but I settled up on the tabs and now can concentrate on wasting my life on this ridiculous columns twice a week!
What have I been up to? Well, I got my back waxed! I have a terrific muscle strain in my shoulder! And I’ve finally managed to get Gloomchen completely… well, why open up that can of worms.
CHEERS to what seems to be a Halloween FREE of IWC columnists doing columns devoted to what big time WWE wresrtlers dress up as to go trick or treating. I was fairly CONVINCED that the Torch’es James Guttman would be all over this gimmick… but it seems that cooler heads all over the IWC are prevailing… kudos! it looks like my mission is finally getting close being accomplished… can I retire now?
JEERS to Hyatte. I could’ve had this column out LAST week but laziness and my new DVD (courtesy of Widro, whom I promptly paid back by deserting him for two weeks without much warning) kept me away… I fully expect at least half my readership gone because of this stunt… oy… now I gotta work twice as hard… crap… as the black kids say: my bad, yo!
Okay… let’s get this party rolling…
86’ED
86 years later…
After the 1975 heartbreaker to end all heartbreakers
After Bucky Dent…
After Fred Lynn abandoned us for California
After the nightmare known as Oil Can Boyd
After Bill Buckner couldn’t get on one f*cking knee…
After Wade Boggs…
After Pedro refused to give up the mound…
After Clemens flipped off the town and told them to kiss his ass…
After Mo Vaughn thought he was something special…
After Nomar thought we couldn’t live without him…
After decades of humiliation…
After decades of that cocksucker Steinbrenner.
After decades of being the Yankees bitch…
After a goddam near CENTURY of being the butt of baseball’s ultimate joke!!
YOU HEAR ME??? YOU CUMGUZZLERS LISTENING??????????
BOSTON IS THROUGH BEING YOUR BUTTMONKEY!!!!!!!! THE RED SOX ARE NOW THE GREATEST TEAM IN BASEBALL!! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND!!! AND WE KEPT ON FIGHTING, ‘TILL THE END!! WE ARE THE CHA,MPIONS!! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! GEORGE BOUGHT THE LOSERS AND WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!!! OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLD!!!
86 GODDAM YEARS WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!! FOR 86 FUDGING YEARS WE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT!!! YOU MOTHERLESS SPUNKLICKERS DON’T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT MISERY IS!!!! NOW WE CAN LAUGH WHILE THE CUBS… THE DAMNABLE CUBS ARE THE SOLE OWNERS OF THE TITLE, ULTIMATE LOSERS!!!
Them and the Yankees… if there is EVER a team that are nothing but a bunch of choking losers… it’s the Yankees… HA!! YOU NEW YAWK MORONS BLEW A THREE GAME LEAD!!! ALL YOU NEEDED WAS ONE MORE!! ONE MORE!!!!!! WITH JETER AND A-ROD AND WILLIAMS AND A FEW OTHER HISPANICS!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA ALL THAT MONEY!!! ALL THAT POWER SPENDING!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Johnny Damon IS CHRIST HIMSELF! Curt Schilling is GOD… and Pedro is… well, Pedro is probably gone after this year… he’ll be someone else’s nightmare next season!
In the words of my fellow New Englanders (many of them are half-way retarded rubes)… Bahhhstan is wicked awwsum!! Ain’t dat a pissah!
BUT, PLUGS
Me? I got nothing… but hunker down to Flea’s site and check out his latest column which should actually be on THIS site by the time you read this. In it, Flea takes none other than AMERICA to task for being AMERICA and not a bunch of people like him… that is, chicken fried southern hillbillies with a toolshed that comes and goes depending on how honest he likes to be with me at any given time. It’s one of those columns where he crows: “I got mine!” and then bitches about how the rest of us suck. It’s what makes Flea, Flea and it’s why he managed to become so gosh darn likeable with only a LITTLE assistance on my part.
Speaking of writers I made… did Grut die?
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS’ WRESTLERS OF THE WEEK
Look… I am not the type to heavily fish around for cut-rate wrestling news… nevermind the title of this column… I haven’t posted it at Midnight since 2001… so piss off.
Anyway, I thought, seeing how this shit is stuck in the wrestling ZONE of this site… and I doubt my unique brand of personality driven commentary is luring in the Survivor crowd or that hot little cottonvag, Jesse Camacho, I figured I had best put in some hard-core WRESTLING commentary here… so without further adieu…
TOP WRESTLERS OF LAST WEEK:
Raw: Ric Flair – Give him a little… just a TASTE of a storyline to bite into and he steps up… every time out. The Nature Boy was handed a bit of mic time while he set up his Taboo Tuesday match with Randy Orton over the weeks and he used it to sell a possible betrayal of HHH/ face turn. Then he wrestled Orton in the cage in the main event and performed better than guys half his age. THEN on last week’s Raw he worked the main event in a REMATCH with Orton and had the crowd in the palm of his hand. Sure, the match was secondary to the finale… which was the Face revenge against Triple H… but Flair scored a rare pin… worked the Flair style match (which is the only match he CAN work now), and had the crows oooing and ahhing on command… Orton couldn’t do that on his own… no way, no how and whether Triple H could do it with Orton remains suspect… but Flair can do it, has done it, and will keep doing it right up until the day he drops dead… possibly in the middle of a match on live TV. My God… he may be putting over just about every punk that steps into the ring with him these days… but the old fart is STILL the man.
Smackdown: Billy Kidman – He’s been wallowing in no-storyliune hell since the Invasion, but Billy Kidman sat quietly and patiently and eventually, he was given the ball. Now he is currently working the gimmick where no one knows exactly what’s going on in his head. Is he evil? Is he crazy? Is he so screwed in the head after damn near killing Chavo Guerrero with his Shooting Star Press that he’s gone over the edge? Who knows? All I know is that Kidman is now the most interesting mid-carder on Smackdown and is playing his role PERFECTLY. Of course, it helps that Brock Lesnar almost destroyed his neck (and any passion he had for the business) when he tried the move at Wrestlemania a few years back. It ALSO helps that Paul Heyman’s fingerprints are all over this cerebral gimmick (ie: for once no one has any idea where it’s heading). But the solid truth is that Kidman is playing this role to the hilt, (his verbal shots at Tazz and Michael Kole while he sat in on commentary during the Chavo Jr match was beautifully creepy and cocky) and we can’t even thank his wife Torrie Wislon for getting him this role. Word has it Torrie has lost some of her luster in recent months with management (probably because all the COOL chicks are over at Raw and Dawn marie is MUCH more sexy and fun to watch. This is all Kidman, and he deserves props for taking advantage of it.
TNA: Scott Hall – For making fun of, and mocking Jeff Jarrett behind his back while Jarrett tried to run a talent meeting. Hall is old, fat, ridiculously out of shape, and even Kevin nash has given up on trying to convince people that Hall is sober more times than not. Still, hall was hired to work for TNA for their first major PPV, and just doesn’t give a shit enough to respect the Jarrett authority. This wouldn’t normally be praise worthy, but god damn… Jarrett IS a f*cking JOKE… TNA is a f*cking JOKE… and if there was any organization and leader who is SCREAMING to be mocked and goofed on as his back is turned, it’s Jeff Jarrett. God Bless Scott Hall!
ROH: Oh please… like a give a flying rat’s ass about this silly company or any of its talent.
That’s your performers of the week! Let me know if you like this gimmick and I’ll keep doing it.
THINGS ROB FEINSTEIN SAYS THAT SOUND HOMOSEXUAL
If you read Rob Feinstein’s Live Journal, with any degree of regularity, you’ll reach a few conclusions…
A: He’s extremely happy… happy, happy, happy… he puts the “pee” in “happy”
B: He acts like the whole world has forgiven him and nothing unusual happened to him.
C: He’s treated like royality wherever he goes.
D: He spend his high school years blowing off basic english class… possibly to get fisted in the boy’s room. In other words, the silly bitch CAN’T SPELL!!
E: He uses the word “super” an AWFUL lot.
So I picked out a few lines he’s recently written that are very innocent, but coming from HIM… sound AWFULLY gay…
–Thursday was one of the worst hang over days I ever had. I drank over a half of bottle of Absolute the night before and was out of control.
–So after watching Dawn of the Dead i poped in our DVD with Missy Hyatt on there getting naked and I thought I was still watching the Dawn of the Dead somehow
–Little things amuse us so we ended up sticking anything loose in the truck on the dash.
–We got into the town around Midnight on Thursday. We were at the hotel with all the boys.
–So what a better day than this one to do some drilling with a jack hammer starting at 8AM.
–A car pulled up on the curb and it was Bubba and Big Dick. He basically kidnapped us and dragged us back to the club again. They were the good old days.
–So we decided to check into our new room and leave him in the old one. Well boy did we get a suprise.
–The one thing about this hotel that I will never forget is the water pressure of the shower. It felt like you were being shot by a firetruck hose. It was the best hour shower of all time.
A firetruck hose… now how would he… he… heh heh heh ha ha ha ho ho ho….
OH THOSE POOR KIDS!! WHAT DID HE DO WITH A FIRETRUCK HOSE TO THOSE POOR CHILDREN??? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE FUTURE EX MRS TRISH HYATTE
Now that I got the gay stuff out of the way… let’s talk about my currently favorite woman!
Word on the street says that Trish Stratus, the greatest woman wrestler in history of the business, is currently experiencing numbness in her hand, the SAME hand that she broke a few months ago… The Midnight News officially wishes Trish a SPEEDY recovery!!
In EMPATHY for her current numb-hand issues, I would like to announce that twice a day I lie down and put my FULL WEIGHT on my right arm… which makes my own hand completely numb… then I masturbate with the hand and, since I can’t feel my penis in the hand, close my eyes and pretend that Trish is giving me a handjob.
I could fill three gallon milk cartons with the amount of semen I’ve expelled to her image.
A HIDDEN MESSAGE AIMED AT ONE PERSON THAT WILL MEAN NOTHING TO EVERYONE ELSE
No matter what, I will always look at a certain fruit and think warmly of you!
The rest of you… don’t even f*cking BOTHER deciphering… none of you nitwits will understand.
I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND
Top five ten movies of the week, daddio!!
1) The Grudge: $22.4 million ($71.3 million total). Oh great, Sarah Michelle Gellar is a star now… that’s… just…. friggin’… ducky.
That… thing coming out of the back of her head while she’s in the shower in those previews… that’s her ego… her little frame is just too damn small to contain it.
2) Ray: $20.1 million opening weekend. A: Jamie Foxx is one ugly motherfukka. B: Jamie Foxx is one cocky motherfukka. C: Jamie Foxx won my ass over in Collateral in that scene where he had to pretend to be the hitman in orfder to get the kill list from his employer… and his character tapped his inner anger and… OUT OF NOWHERE, he turned cold on everyone and said, “If your boy don’t put that gun away, I’m gonna kill him!”. That was STRONG, yo! D: Ray Charles was overrated.
3) Saw: $17.4 million opening weekend. One of the biggest crimes against humanity of them all is the continuing employment of goddam CAREY ELWES!!! WHY, BY ALL THAT IS HOLY, DOES THIS HALF-ASSED COMMUNITY THEATER PRETTY BOY KEEP GETTING WORK????
Danny Glover’s in this? Danny Glover’s still alive??
Wasn’t this movie made a few years ago? Wasn’t it called SE7EN?????
4) Shark Tale: $8 million ($147.4 million total) The rule is simple… if it’ll keep the whiney brats seated and quiet for more than an hour, parents will stampede to the theater as many times as possible, jam the kids in the seat with popcorn and soda, then sit in their mini-van in a zombi-like state of orgasmic bliss thanking whatever demon created computerized cartoons for this oh-so brief hour of complete, deafening silence. Welcome to 21st century parenting.
5) Shall We Dance?: $6.3 million ($33.9 million total) Yeah, J-Lo THOUGHT she was the living definition of a high maintenence diva… then she walked on this set… then she got a load of Richard Gere. Next to Richard Gere, who was redefining the art of a Hollywood Diva while J-Lo was still sucking off Bronx homies for a few ounces of blow, J-Lo is a god damn amateur. And do you REALLY think Susan Sarandon didn’t throw a hissy fit or 12 during this shoot? Ha! I say HA!!!! Oh I would’ve LOVED to be a fly on the wall during this shoot.
The REAL question is… did Gere get to shag J-Lo during this filming? Only Stanley Tucci’s bloody ASS knows the truth!!
6) Friday Night Lights: $4.1 million ($52.9 million total). Oh screw it, I like Billy Bob Thorton. Boy is cool squared.
7) Ladder 49: $3.3 million ($66.2 million total). I must be out of it because, for the LIFE of me, I can’t remember seeing Ladder 1,or Ladder 2,or Ladder 3,or Ladder 4,or Ladder 5,or Ladder 6,or Ladder 7,or Ladder 8,or Ladder 9,or Ladder 10,or Ladder 13,or Ladder 14,or Ladder 15,or Ladder 16,or Ladder 17,or Ladder 18,or Ladder 19,or Ladder 20,or Ladder 21,or Ladder 22,or Ladder 23,or Ladder 24,or Ladder 25,or Ladder 26,or Ladder 27,or Ladder 28,or Ladder 29,or Ladder 31,or Ladder 32,or Ladder 33,or Ladder 34,or Ladder 35,or Ladder 36,or Ladder 37,or Ladder 38,or Ladder 39,or Ladder 40,or Ladder 41,or Ladder 42,or Ladder 43,or Ladder 44,or Ladder 45,or Ladder 46,or Ladder 47,or Ladder 48!, I THINK I remember seeing Ladder 11 and Ladder 12…. wasn’t James Coco in them? And I MIGHT have seen Ladder 30… wasn’t that the one with Greg Evigan back when he thought he was more than just a truck driving bad boy with a monkey named “Bear” by his side?
That’s right, I ran this joke TWICE in as many Monday columns…. here’s my cock, there’s your mouth, insert and SUCKLE!!
8) Team America: $3.1 million ($27.3 million total). This whole entire movie was created just so Trey Parker and Matt Stone could film puppet fornication. That’s it. Trust me. Everything else is total bullshit. They just wanted to roll tape while they had two puppets f*ck. Period. Hope you’re proud of yourself for paying for this. Loser.
9) Surviving Christmas: $2.6 million ($8.1 million total). It’s almost over. Affleck’s career is almost unsalvageable. There is a f*cking God and he has a f*cking sense of f*cking justice. The nightmare that is Affleck is almost over, people! Praise be. IT’S ALMOST OVER!!!!
And the BEST part, he is now at the point where any WOMAN he’s seen with will see her career crapped down the toilet merely because she’s associated with him. This means big forehead Jennifer Garner, who did have a VERY promising career once upon a time, is screwed!
10) Taxi: $2.2 million ($32.7 million total). A pretty respectable start for Jimmy Fallon.
In TV News… thank Christ The Simpsons return next week… and Arrested Development. Yeah, believe the hype, Arrested Development actually does lord over all!
And… is there is a better show on the air than Boston Legal? The HELL, you say!! How CAN any show be better than Boston Legal? Boston Legal has SHATNER!! SHATNER, YOU UNHOLY FUCKWIT!!!!
In Music news… I do not see the big deal with Ashlee Simpson’s lip synch goof up… t’is the day and age for that kid of stuff…. the Beatles are DEAD and they are NOT coming back. You want music or you want young girls with big tits?
WRITING WITH BONERS
Where would I be without FILLER???
Someone showed me a site filled with “Erotic wrestling fiction”… in other words, bad writers telling sex stories starring YOUR favorite wrestlers.
So I thought it might be fun to take a snippet from one of the stories and post it for shits and giggles…
But then it occured to me that this is a FAMILY FRIENDLY column… and some of this stuff is too damn gosh darn racy for my more sensitive readers…
So I went Mad Libs on the bad part… but with a THEME to the Mad Libs.
Trust me, this might just take off.
So, I present to you, a few cuts from Torrie Gets Taught Respect by Hamster… (yes, the asshole’s name is Hamster)
The Mad Lib theme this week: Happy Days!
Enjoy!
Stephanie already had every thing set up, all the props she needed were ready and Trish was more than ready to be her assistant.
When Torrie arrived and Trish let her in she looked around at what was obviously an (MILWAUKEE) paradise. Paddles, whips and strange (POTSIE) all filled the room.
“W-Wait Steph I…” Torrie was interrupted by a vicious backhanded (CHACHI).
“From this point on, (MRS. C), you speak when spoken to.” Stephanie said. “If you want to keep your job you are going to do all kinds of (AYYYYYE) and (PINKY TUSCADERO) things for my benefit. Do you understand?”
Torrie nodded, her lip trembling.
“Trish strap her into the table.”
Trish dragged Torrie over to a circular wooden table with straps at four points. She was ordered to lay down on top of the table. Torrie lay across
the table as instructed, she looked back at Stephanie and Trish nervously. Trish strapped her wrists in tightly and gave her smooth (RICHIE) a little
bite through her shorts, this made Torrie squirm a bit but she knew the worst was yet to come. Stephanie approached Torrie and felt her luscious
(FONZIE) through her white leather shorts. Stephanie’s hands roamed all over the sweet (BIG AL). As Trish looked on, Steph patted Torrie’s (RALPH MALPH).
“If you move or struggle I’ll make it 10 times worse.” Stephanie warned.
Stephanie reared her hand back and brought it down hard across Torrie’s (I FOUND MY THRILL). Torrie squealed and caused Trish to giggle. Steph gave the lovely (ON BLUEBERRY HILL) and reached around to (SIT ON IT) the shorts. She pulled them down to Torrie’s ankle so that she and Trish could get another good look at the pink (THE MALACHI CRUNCH). Stephanie grabbed the waistband and pulled off the blonde’s (CUNNINGHAM). Steph opened her hand and held it back so that Trish could hand her a paddle. Torrie looked back and her eyes widened in fear.
“No Stephanie please don’t!” Torrie begged.
“Shut the (MORK FROM ORK) up you nasty (NANU NANU)!” Stephanie ordered as she brought the paddle slamming down on her (STICKS THE BLACK DRUMMER).
SMACK!
“EEEEEIIOOOUUUCH!!!”
“Now listen up (CHUCK THE OLDER BROTHER). I want you to read one line of this page each time I smack that sweet (JENNY PICALO). If you (JUMP THE SHARK) up or skip a line then we start over from the beginning.” Steph ordered.
Stephanie handed Torrie a sheet of paper with a list of things she was supposed to say.
“Steph p-please stop.” Torrie said through a flood of tears.
“If you don’t shut up and do as you are told, you silly little (LEATHER TUSCADERO), I will REALLY (TED MCGINLEY) hurt you. Now are you ready?” Stephanie asked in a tone that gave Torrie a chill.
SMACK!
Torrie read off the page. “OUCH! I-I’m a filthy (ARNOLD).”
SMACK!
“AAAARGH…I’m a useless (YOWZA, YOWZA, YOWZA).”
SMACK!
On and on it went until Torrie’s (OFFICER KIRK) was sufficiently red and swollen to please Stephanie. Torrie was sniveling and crying like a little girl who’d gotten her first taste of the strap.
“Well (WAA WAA WAA) now that my arm is tired I’ll let Trish have a go. But let me warn you, she isn’t as nice as me by half.” Stephanie announced.
“No please no more, Stephanie I’m begging…”
“Trish since she forgot my last rule go ahead and use the crop.” Stephanie said.
“YES!” Trish replied excitedly.
Trish grabbed a riding crop and approached the red and swollen (COOL IT). She raised her arm and began to ruthlessly slash away at the helpless Torrie who was screaming and writhing in her bonds. Over and over the crop came down across Torrie’s (YOU’RE COOL) until Trish’s arm simply grew tired. Torrie’s poor (ONE, TWO, THREE O’CLOCK, FOUR O’CLOCK ROCK) was bleeding and covered in welts.
While Trish had her chance to victimize poor Torrie, Stephanie had been busy strapping in a massive (FIVE, SIX, SEVEN O’CLOCK, EIGHT O’CLOCK ROCK). Torrie, who was pouring tears from pain and humiliation, looked back in helpless horror at the (NINE, TEN, ELEVEN O’CLOCK, TWELVE O’CLOCK ROCK) that was about to (WE’RE GONNA ROCK) her. Steph wasted absolutely no time in ramming the massive (AROUND… THE CLOCK) into her (TONIGHT!) and driving it as deeply into her (LAVERNE DEFOZIO) as she could. Torrie howled in pain and cried out for mercy. Unfortunately Steph had no concept of mercy. Torrie was ruthlessly (SHIRLEY FINI) until she thought she would pass out. Every single thrust of the enormous man-made (THE BIG RAGU) was accompanied by Steph pulling back so hard on Torrie’s hair that the blonde thought her neck was going to snap like a twig.
“YES! (SUNDAY, MONDAY, HAPPY DAYS) HER! (TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, HAPPY DAYS) THE (THURSDAY, FRIDAY, HAPPY DAYS) RETARDED!!!” Trish was screaming the whole time.
Finally Torrie simply collapsed.
Steph pulled out of her and Trish rushed over to (SATURDAYS…) the (WHATTADAY) off the (GROOVIN’ ALL WEEK WITH YOUUUU).
“Good girl Trish. Maybe now the (THESE DAYS ARE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRS) will show some respect.” Steph said as she backed away from Trish and kicked Torrie in the (OH HAPPY DAYS).
As Steph went to fix herself a drink, Trish climbed atop the whimpering Torrie Wilson. As the poor blonde screamed bloody murder, Trish bit down on
her (LORI BETH) like a pitbull with a chew toy. With a big smile and two glasses of champagne Steph made her way back to where Trish stood. She handed her companion a glass then led her back to the bed where they (THE FONNNNZ!!) all night. Torrie simply curled up in the fetal position on the floor and cried herself to sleep.
…… you know… some of you losers have WAAAAAY too much time on your hands.
That said… the parts with Stratus gave me such a hard-on I almost fainted.
TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU
I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.
Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. FourEyes, who has never done anything for anyoneâ?¦ and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!
Triple H Is Better Than You Becauseâ?¦
It took the entire roster of Raw faces last week to bring him down!
THIS HAS BEEN â??TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOUâ??â?¦ STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
DOING LINES CAUGHT ON FILM
I found a few websites, and a lot of you have been GREAT with the submissions. I’m doing okay with movies/TV shit… so if you don’t mind, focus on wrestling. I need wrestling promoes and little quips. Thanks.
Wide range of stuff this week, including a couple of two-fers… damn skippity!
01): Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
A peace symbol, sir.
Where’d you get it?
I don’t remember, sir.
What is that you’ve got written on your helmet?
“Born to Kill”, sir.
You write “Born to Kill” on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What’s that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
No, sir.
You’d better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you.
Yes, sir.
Now answer my question or you’ll be standing tall before the man.
I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
The what?
The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Whose side are you on, son?
Our side, sir.
Don’t you love your country?
Yes, sir.
Then how about getting with the program? Why don’t you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Yes, sir.
Son, all I’ve ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It’s a hardball world, son. We’ve gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Aye-aye, sir.– Full Metal Jacket
02): Wanna beer?
It’s seven o’clock in the morning!
Scotch?
Not during business hours.– Mr.Mom
03): I know what you’re going through, man. My old lady ran off one day and when I got home she had takin’ everything. She even took the ice cubes out of the ice trays. Now tell me, what kinda of cold hearted bitch takes the ice cubes out of the ice trays?– True Lies
04): Come on. Let’s get outta here. I love you.
But what about Ned?
I don’t love Ned.– Friday the 13th
05): You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn’t matter. You were born rich and you’re going to stay rich. But here’s my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can’t buy backbone. Don’t let them forget it. Thank you.– Rushmore
06): We’re from The Church of Jesus Christ.
Oh, the Mormons?
That’s right. I’m elder Young and this is elder White.
Well, you two boys can just f*ck right off.
Ma’am?
You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigf*ckers.– Orgazmo
07): Why don’t you just tell me what your situation is?
Look, I’m not really sure I know exactly what you guys do around here, all right?
Well, we’ll investigate and solve your case.
How?
If you start a contact we’ll follow you.
You’ll spy?
Yes.
On me?
Yes.
Will you be spying on me in the bathroom?
Yes.
In the bathroom?
Yes.
Why?
There’s nothing too small. You know when police find the slightest piece of DNA and build a case on it? If we might see you floss or masturbate that could be the key till your entire reality.– I Heart Huckabees
08): You know, Darryl, I have to admit I appreciate your honesty and I will be honest with you: I think . . .no, I am positive, that you are the most unattractive man I have ever seen in my entire life. In the short time we’ve been together, you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male persona and even discovered a few new ones. You’re physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, morally reprehensible, selfish, stupid, vulgar, no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You know, you’re not even interesting enough to make me sick!– The Witches of Eastwick
09): You have no respect for women.
I guess dinner and a blow job’s out of the question.
I guess.
We’ll forget dinner.– Cadillac Man
10): I hear this place is restricted, Wang, so don’t tell ’em you’re Jewish, okay?– Caddyshack
12): In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.– Vincent Price on The Hollywood Squares (70’s version)
13): Carl I want you to kill all the gophers on the golf course
Correct me if I’m wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers they’ll lock me up and throw away the key.
Not golfers, you great fool. Gophers. THE LITTLE BROWN, FURRY RODENTS.
We can do that. We don’t even need a reason.– Caddyshack
14): Listen, Super Girl: I’m gonna break you down into so many little pieces that my grandmother, who can do a thousand-piece puzzle of clear-blue sky in less than an hour, will never be able to finish putting you back together again. Even if she does go back in time to when her vision was perfect.– Scrubs
15): ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF!! You don’t care what happens to me! You don’t care about what happens to Belinda! You don’t care what happens to the Girl Scouts of AMERICA!! I WASH MY HANDS AND MY FEET OF YOU! (to a barber cutting an old guy’s hair) TRIM THAT!!– Night Shift
Ahem… the man’s name is Michael Keaton… and for a brief, BRIEF period… he was the fudgepacking BOMB!!!!!!
Then… he grew up…. rat fink.
Alas… alas.
Well, it’s been a time… you (or what’s left of you) waited two full weeks for this! Probably got your scroll fingers all cramped up from overtime here…
Well, eat me. I do what I do and I no longer CARE if it’s… eh… IWC worthy… I got bigger fish to fry.
See, I gots to be on PERFECT behavior from now on… gotta do EVERYTHING right… gotta be a friggin’ PRINCE… gotta be friggin’ AMAZING… can’t do ANYTHING wrong… cuz one wrong step and WHAM, I’m back to banging cross-eyed Portugese slob-sluts at 2 am after the bars close… I’m TIRED of them sluts, dog… I’m old… worn out… I want something more.
So, I have to be on my best behavior.
I hope I’m being vague enough for two people and ONLY two people to understand exactly what I’m talking about, one of whom is Flea who just found his name here courtesy of control F and is now reading why I’m bringing up his name and the other one… well, who knows if SHE’s reading.
Anyway… there WILL be a Thursday column… and there WILL be a column here next week… and blah blah blah…
Oh… and don’t vote. Nevermind all the bullshit… Nevermind that RIDICULOUS MTV “Vote or Die” campaign… you won’t DIE if you don’t vote… that’s just f*cking retarded. Plus they’re using Paris Hilton in a “Vote or Die” t-shirt for an ad campaign… yeah, listen to a millionaire Hotel heiress who is routinely caught on tape taking a few bones up her choochie and who CHEERFULLY refers to proud black citizens as “n**gers” once their backs are turned… yes, listen to Paris Hilton… pay attention to her, kids.
Listen to Puff Diddy! Because Diddy really, REALLY cares about you! All rich people do!
Yeah… Flea’s rich and Flea doesn’t give a rat f*ck about any of you (he only tolerates me because I entertain him)… and Flea’s only barely rich… if Flea had Diddy money, he’d burn his away.
Wanna make a statement… a REAL one that gets REAL results and makes people stand up and take notice? DON’T VOTE… take the stand that you are sick of politcal rhetoric and puppethead candidates who refuse to say anything of substance because they don’t want to anger anyone by STAYING AWAY FROM THE BOOTHS on Tuesday! That’s what I’ve done since I hit 18. I’ve never voted a day in my life and never will.
Besides, wouldn’t it be a trip if the SAME EXACT THING happens tommorrow that happened 4 years ago? Wouldn’t it be something if the whole kit & kaboodle came down to a handfull of servicemen votes from the other side of the planet? Wouldn’t it be a blast if Florida f*cked it all up again?? It might just happen… it’s a very tight race and former Prez, Jimmy Carter says that Florida is just as much a voting clusterf*ck this year as it was in ’00.
And I don’t see Bush surrending the victory like Gore did.
Oh man, we might have a new civil war! It’ll be brutal!!
And if that happens, I’m moving to Toronto!
So don’t vote! let your silence speak VOLUMES!!
This is Hyatte, ya cocksuckers!
