The SmarK RAW Rant – November 1, 2004
– Given how much I shill my own book, I thought it would be a good idea to spread the love around, specifically Spencer Baum’s first novel, “One Fall”. Basically a fictionalized accounting of the Monday Night Wars, with some VERY different twists than real life, it’s the story of hot new thing Joey Mayhem, who accidentally gets over on an episode of GWA Burn one week and finds himself in the midst of a sudden main event push as a result. This leads to a title match with Goliath (who appears to be modelled on HHH), but what appears to be an errant superkick leaves the roided champion apparently out cold in the ring and Joey’s rep backstage in tatters. As he gets deeper into a relationship with veteran women’s wrestler Jade Sleek, he finds himself forced to choose between following his dream and pursuing what he hopes is a normal love live. However, as the book points out, life in wrestling is anything but normal, as we discover by following a parallel plot thread: Internet gossip monger Steve Garcia lucks into a scoop about a family values group who is trying to destroy the GWA, and the fallout collides with the main plot in a big way.
While 90% of the stuff in this book are so ridiculously inside and intended for internet wrestling geeks like us that no one outside of the wrestling fandom will possibly get it, the story itself is very well told and Joey Mayhem is a really neat character who isn’t exactly a knight in shining armor. In fact, he pretty much does everything wrong. And the big twist caught me totally off-guard, but made perfect sense, which is the best type.
Wrestling fans will have a blast guessing along with the swerves and trying to figure out who everyone is based on, and non-fans will enjoy a good story and an easy read. While a bit short and compressed, this is a very good read that really fills a niche that hasn’t existed until now: Fiction based in the world of pro wrestling.
Highly recommended. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0595326757/ref=lpr_g_1/104-0174879-5056704?v=glance&s=ebooks
– Live from Peoria, IL.
– Your hosts are JR & King
– Hardcore match: Gene Snitsky v. Eugene. Yes, the epic retard v. babykiller feud continues. Brawl outside to start, which Snitsky wins with ease, and they head in as Eugene uses a cane on him. Snitsky goes low with a chain, however, and starts pounding with it, then chokes him out. Eugene comes back with a road sign to the head, but Snitsky doesn’t sell and just goes back to whipping him again. Well, at least the crowd is hot. Snitsky uses the dreaded “anti-babies” sign and then slams Eugene on a “Slow Children” sign. If they had a better wrestler playing the character, this would be my favorite gimmick ever. Eugene makes the super-tard comeback and whips Snitsky with the strap, then chairs him down, but walks into the big boot before the COAT HANGER finishes at 3:50. Snitsky is terrible, but the character is over and the crowd completely buys it with every match. Snitsky tries to do the chair job on Eugene, but Regal makes the save. Guess that’s Snitsky’s next PPV squash victim. Match was the usual hardcore junk, but got the crowd going. 3/4*
– Meanwhile, HHH cuts a bitter promo from the home office about how everyone is jealous of him and RAW is nothing without him. I wouldn’t be bragging about being the guy to draw THESE crowds, Trip. Sounded a bit TOO real for comfort there”¦
– Meanwhile, the newest empty-headed bimbo announcer, Maria, interviews Tajiri, who doesn’t care if HHH ever comes back. Flair & Batista jump him, of course.
– So out to the ring go Flair & Batista (looking like the motherf*cking pimp daddy, I should point out) to preach the gospel of HHH. Love him”¦OR ELSE. Uncle Eric interrupts to announce that it’s Shelton Benjamin v. Christian, Trish v. Lita and Batista/HHH/Edge/Snitsky v. Benoit/Jericho/Maven/Orton in a boring old elimination tag match for Survivor Series. Winners get control of RAW for a month. Bischoff actually shows balls here. That’s not a stipulation that’s gonna draw any money, though.
– Hurricane v. Christian. Edge (with new hard-edged theme) quickly interrupts while Hurricane grabs a headlock. He shills the book (what kind of a jerk shills his book in the middle of a match? Edge gives a funny, smart-ass promo, sucking the heat completely out of the match. Meanwhile, back in the ring, Hurricane gets a neckbreaker for two. High cross gets two. Christian sends him into the post and finishes with the Unprettier at 4:01. Why even bother wasting time with this? 1/2* And speaking of complete wastes of time, Christian introduces his new problem solver”¦Viscera. Shelton Benjamin gets laid out as a result. Are they KIDDING? They fire Billy Gunn, A-Train and Test today and bring VISCERA back? This company is mind-boggling.
– Meanwhile, Edge gets one of his tag title belts back from Benoit as they prepare to defend against La Rez tonight. Yes, it’s the Wacky Tag Team Partners Who Hate Each Other.
– Meanwhile, Maven goes after Ric and Dave, but brings Jericho and Orton as backup.
– We finally get a Simon Dean in-ring promo, as he makes fun of fans at ringside with some tired stuff, until one “fan” (who is such an obvious plant that the OTHER fans chant for him in recognition) gets brought into the ring. The guy snaps and smashes Simon’s table, so he gets his ass kicked. JR notes that it was “totally unscheduled”. Yeah, that’s why they had the big Simon Dean banner hanging in the arena. This character is already stupid and tired and the crowd was being very generous in paying any attention to it whatsoever.
– RAW World tag titles: Chris Benoit & Edge v. La Resistance. Edge apparently decides to appear fashionably late, so La Rez attacks Benoit to start and Conway slugs him in the corner until Benoit comes back with chops. Backdrop suplex and backbreaker follow, but Conway comes back with a neckbreaker and they do some double-teaming. Benoit dodges them out of the corner and gets a pair of german suplexes, but now Edge makes his entrance while La Rez works Benoit over in the corner. Grenier tries a suplex, but Benoit blocks it and gets his own, but Edge won’t tag. SHOCKING. What a swerve. I think we already got that point when he did it at the PPV, but whatever. We take a break. Back with Edge on commentary while Benoit gets beaten up alone, but comes back with an enzuigiri on Conway. He has no one to tag, however, and Grenier comes in and drops an elbow. Benoit gets a clothesline and makes with the choppage again, and then suplexes Grenier onto Conway, because he’s AWESOME, and then it’s the rolling germans on Grenier. Edge, now that’s being his usual self and not doing his stilted babyface promos, is actually funny and entertaining again and should probably get the World title now. Benoit gets the diving headbutt and crossface, but Conway breaks it up and Au Revoir finishes at 9:58, giving the titles back to La Rez. *1/2 Had they just done this angle at the PPV instead of doing the stupid one-man title change, it might have worked a lot better. Edge destroys Benoit afterwards, of course, even using a crossface on him, bloodying him up and making him tap. The problem here is that Edge is now a super-hot heel at main event level, but HHH has the World title and can’t lose it until Wrestlemania. Were they thinking ahead (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) then Orton wouldn’t have lost the title, and Edge could be the guy to get it off him.
– Meanwhile, the Bischoff face turn continues, as he makes a six-man tag for the main event tonight with Batista, Flair and HHH v. Orton, Maven & Jericho. If HHH shows up, great, and if not, it’s a handicap match.
– Meanwhile, we meet Mohammad Hassan, who just wants to be loved and not generalized as a terrorist. Don’t we all. This isn’t gonna end very well, I can feel it. And I don’t mean the usual “dumb angle” bad feeling, I mean REAL trouble for Hassan.
– Survivor Series rundown:
– JBL v. Booker T.
– Undertaker v. Heidenreich
– Team Eddie v. Team Angle
– Benjamin v. Christian
– Trish v. Lita
– Dudes with Attitudes v. Evolution
And people are supposed to wanna PAY for this?
– Shelton Benjamin v. Viscera. I hope to god this just means Viscera is in only to be job-boy for Shelton. Benjamin attacks, but gets punched in the bad ribs to bring him down. Vis pounds away with the CLUBBING FOREARMS and gets the avalanche in the corner, where he works him over with his gut. Belly to belly suplex and choking follows. Benjamin slugs back, but gets dropped again, and Vis drops an elbow on the ribs. Another avalanche misses and Benjamin comes back with the Blinger Splash, but Vis falls on top for two. He goes for a choke, but Benjamin dodges him and gets the Dragon Whip kick for the pin at 4:23. Slow and dull. 1/4*
– Trish joins us in the ring for a promo, to introduce a video called “Lita’s Kiss of Death”, as Lita kills the careers of Essa Rios, the Hardy Boyz, Dark Angel, Matt Hardy and Kane. However, Trish has nothing to worry about, because Lita is a loser. And chubby. If Trish was a man she’d be World champion by now, I swear. Anyway, Lita of course once again charges out to protest the fat joke, and that results in an ass-kicking from Trish and Gail Kim. JR thinks it’s a setup. Thank god we have him there to clarify that for us.
– Meanwhile, the WWE wants young people to get out and vote for all the old people running. Maybe it’s just me, but I find it hard to have a 80-year old guy speaking for my needs. I don’t think Vince is quite grasping that concept himself.
– Maven, Chris Jericho & Randy Orton v. Batista, Ric Flair & HHH. Orton starts with Batista and they slug it out, but Orton gets a rollup out of the corner for two. Orton slugs him down and out and they brawl outside, and back in. Batista powers him down and Flair comes in with the chops. Orton fires back, to much less reaction, and gets a backdrop. Powerslam and Jericho comes in for some chops of his own and a bulldog, and he pounds away to set up the Walls. The faces hold off Batista and Orton gets a suplex, as Maven comes in with a missile dropkick. Maven looks so completely out of place here. Jericho throws more chops in the corner as Maven does a blatant choke on Flair, triggering a Flair Flop. Jericho adds a low blow behind the ref’s back for fun. Batista finally gets in for some abuse on Jericho, however, whipping him into the corner, but he comes back with the enzuigiri and brings in Orton. He dropkicks Batista and backdrops Flair again, and powerslams Batista for two. The faces dropkick Batista out, as the heels try to regroup, but HHH’s music hits. However, it turns out to be Tajiri, and the faces keep manhandling Batista, as Maven gets a tornado DDT out of the corner and Jericho gets the Lionsault. Orton finishes with the RKO at 10:42.
The Inside Pulse:
Kind of a weird show, as it wasn’t actively terrible or anything, but it wasn’t something I’ll be remembering two weeks from now. Still, the Edge turn was finally cemented into something worthwhile and Triple Tajiri was pretty funny, so it’s good enough for me this week.
