It’s time once again for another Desperate Housewives recap, and this will be the last one before the Presidential Election. I’m not going to bring politics into this recap, but I’ll just say let the best man win on Tuesday.
On to other things, my Bears finally snapped their losing streak…and then lost their lead rusher. We can’t have everything, you know. As long as we can finish with at least four wins, I won’t consider it a complete failure given the plague of injuries.
Last Week’s Ratings: DH brought in 21.3 million viewers overall, holding its own against baseball and actually getting the highest demographic of 18-49 year-old males to date. Now just think about what kind of ratings they’ll get when the show starts to get on a roll again.
On with the recap!
Previously, on Desperate Housewives: Lynette’s teacher wants her boys either drugged or out of school because of their behavior, the young Zach tries to figure out exactly what connection his father has with Mary Alice’s death, but the father will stop at nothing to prevent the truth from getting out, and all the while, Creepy Plumber Mike is watching (they keep alluding to this, but they’re not expanding on it). Carlos is getting suspicious of Gabrielle cheating but going after the wrong man and might end up in hot water over beating a gay man silly. Paul hires a private dick to find out the source of The Letter, and Mrs. Huber tries to blackmail Susan with limited success.
As the episode begins, Mary Alice introduces us to Alberta Frome, explaining that she’s the type of woman you can find in every neighborhood, and with that, you can expect to find a cat behind that woman. Alberta is going away for awhile, so she’ll need someone to take care of Mr. Whiskers. Unfortunately, the only one available to care for Whiskers is Susan. Alberta liked Susan, sure, but everyone who’s at least watched one episode of this show knows that Susan and bad luck go together like peas and carrots or “french fried potaters” and mustard. Susan has all kind of bad luck, and as Alberta goes away, not only does she worry for Mr. Whiskers, but Mr. Whiskers worries for Mr. Whiskers. Julie and Susan arrive home late and call for the kitty to feed him, and find drawers in the kitchen opened. Susan notices a screwdriver on the counter and then start to walk all around the house, looking for the cat. As they walk away from the kitchen, a faceless man (for the moment) walks out a door in the house, as Mr. Whiskers follows the mystery man (Creepy Plumber Mike?) out the door…but the mystery man puts him right back and gives him a scratch behind the ears before taking off.
You’re watching Desperate Housewives and I’m praying that this episode returns to the precedent of good-to-great episodes before it, considering last week’s effort was less than satisfactory.
The news of an intruder at the Mayer household brought everyone from Wisteria Lane to the scene of the crime, and led to quite the interesting neighborhood watch meeting as concerns began to raise over the rising dangers on the street. For example, Mrs. Ida Greenberg is convinced a peeping tom is spying on her whenever she takes a shower. Bob Fisk warns everyone that an unnamed government agency is listening to all their phone calls. Helen Vale tells the group that a local teenage gang laid the egg-down on her minivan. After all of these concerns were voiced, Officer Thompson sat everyone down and talked about safety tips and a plan of action. Thompson offers people to sign up for night shifts and day shifts on the neighborhood watch, passing around a clipboard as he explains that 24 hour neighborhood surveillance will deter “even the most determined criminal”. Even if that criminal happens to like cats? Susan walks up to Officer Thompson after the meeting and asks a question regarding the screwdriver, saying that the other officers laughed it off since nothing was taken from the Frome household. Officer Thompson tells Susan what she wants to hear and says that that was unprofessional of his colleagues, and the macking begins. Thompson assures Susan that the dusting for prints will get done…as Creepy Plumber Mike watches from a distance. There you go, that’s the kind of storyline reenforcement this show needs. I just hope that look isn’t a “what are you doing talking to that Officer when I love you, Susan” look and more of a “Susan, you whore, that evidence must be destroyed to save my ass” look. Mike and Susan both walk off…
…as we switch over to Lynette and her boys. It’s their bedtime, but they’re still swinging pillows at each other like champs and Lynette has to use a bag of potato chips to convince them to go upstairs as the boys chase down the chips. Bree looks on at this act of parenting, but says nothing and just walks away. That’s probably the best plan of action, considering Bree’s solution would be to screw around with their beds or something dumb like that.
Over to Gabrielle and Susan as Gabrielle learns that Susan is getting a lot of mixed signals from Creepy Plumber Mike, but Gabrielle lets Susan know that Officer Thompson is only giving one signal, and it rhymes with “I want to have sex with you now.” How did Gabrielle notice? “When they’re not staring at me, I notice.” Yeah, because then Carlos usually isn’t beating the tar out of them.
Lynette thanks the Housewives for coming to stay and help as she cleans with Bree, since the neighborhood watch meeting was held at her house. Lynette asks of a favor to Bree, and that is to recommend Porter and Preston for the same school that Bree’s children went to, since Lynette can’t even get an interview with that school. This is probably not a very good idea. I’m thinking boot camp is the best course of action for those two brats. Lynette wants Bree to tell them how beautifully the boys behave, and Bree immediately recognizes that as a request to lie through her teeth. “Yeah, I thought that was understood,” Lynette says, but Bree is well-respected at this school and her word would lose value if she lied about the kids. Lynette points out that Bree’s not having any more kids, what does it matter? Not to mention that the kids will be in the school by the time they figure out their mistake. Bree seems offended that the idea of getting her grandchildren into that school doesn’t matter to Lynette, and Lynette admits that it really doesn’t. As Susan opens the door to take the trash out, we hear Paul and Zack yelling over at the Young residence. Zack wants Paul to get rid of something, asking why it doesn’t bother Paul that it’s there. The Housewives take a look at the house, as they mention that this is the second time this week that Zack and Paul have been fighting. Susan laments about the peaceful family they used to be, but Bree points out from experience that just because a family doesn’t fight, doesn’t mean the problems aren’t there.
And now, a word from our sponsors…a good start as they’re pushing the two main storylines while going through the motions on some of the other mundane subplots (Susan Seeking Sex and Lynette’s Boys), something they couldn’t manage to do last week. Unfortunately, it seems obvious that the subplots will now take center stage, as the only one that really interests me is the Carlos/Gabrielle/John triangle.
Back as the Neighborhood Watch is in full effect, watching for crime as Gabrielle prepares for a home invasion of her own. Mama Solis arrives without warning, as Gabrielle wonders what she’s doing there. Turns out it’s a surprise visit for both son and daughter-in-law. Gabrielle reluctantly gives a hug, as Mama Solis explains that all family should hug…regardless of how they feel about each other.
Onto the private school as the principal (I assume) thumbs over the profiles of Porter and Preston. The hubby tries to break the tension by talking about the man’s yacht, and the princpal would be happy to introduce other yacht enthusiasts…if the decision is made to enroll their children. The principal explains that the children’s educational background is a little bit boring compared to other students, but Bree mentioned that they were identical twins, and they strive for diversity at the school. Not only do they look alike, but Lynette even admits that they have a secret language between each other. Now she’s just bullshitting the man. Tom builds onto that absurd “fact” too much and Lynette stops him. Mr. Lenz would like to meet the twins in a way that they see how they’ll play with other children and respond to authority. Both Lynette and Tom know that that won’t go over well.
Onto the Van De Kamp’s, as Rex is here to take the children to the school bus. Bree talks about the Frome break-in, explaining that it doesn’t matter that nothing was taken, it could’ve been a sexual predator. “Boy, that would’ve been a lose-lose situation.” Rex is so right. But the point is that Bree doesn’t feel safe, and was wondering if Rex could spend the night. Rex points out that Bree is a card-carrying member of the NRA, and has, like, four guns. Oh my. If anybody’s doing any protecting, it’s Bree protecting Rex from those darned sexual predators. Bree explains that the truth is she’s going to be alone in the house for the first time in 17 years. Rex responds that Bree is going to have to get used to being alone if the marriage counseling doesn’t work out. But as Rex tries to grab a sandwich, Bree says that that is for the kids’ trip only–after all, Rex is going to have to get used to bad meals if the marriage counseling doesn’t work out.
Susan is watering her lawn as Sexy Officer Thompson (as he will now be called thanks to Gabrielle) pulls up and immediately calls her Screwdriver Girl. Great start. S.O.T. explains that the screwdriver was taken in for fingerprints and that he’ll give Susan a buzz if he hears anything regarding it’s status about actual evidence…but even if it isn’t actual evidence, he’d like to give her a call anyway. Susan is not really available, however…she sort of has a boyfriend. S.O.T. gets a call over the radio and then explains to Susan that it’s a hostage situation. But because Susan has turned him down, his ability to save the hostages has been compromised. Oh jesus. “Ahh, they’ll probably all die anyway.” Susan isn’t buying this for a moment, so she finally capitulates and agrees to a date. So what was the call he just got, honestly? Someone’s TV is playing too loud. “Thank God for the thin blue line.” Doesn’t that mean in some of those pregnancy tests that you’re not pregnant? Or someting like that?
At the Solis house, Carlos and Mama Solis are engaging in talk that I can’t understand despite taking two years of Spanish…four years ago. Gabrielle goes outside to do her yoga, and Carlos excuses himself as well. Carlos scolds Gabrielle for doing yoga while she’s there, but Gabrielle isn’t going to stop her life from an unannounced visit from Mama Solis. According to Carlos, family doesn’t need an invitation, but Gabrielle will hear nothing of it as she goes to find her inner self or whatever they do with that yoga stuff. Carlos walks back into the house as Mama Solis reveals that she didn’t come unannounced, Carlos wanted her here. Carlos tells her that she’s given her everything she’s wanted, and yet Gabrielle is still unhappy. And lately, he’s thinking that she’s been cheating on her. Carlos breaks down into sobs, and Mama Solis gives him a slap to snap him out of that. Mama Solis explains that even though it’s just a feeling, it can still be the right feeling. Carlos doesn’t have to do anything, Mama Solis will take care of it. No crying about problems, just fixing them.
And now, a word from our sponsors…yeah, I was right. I guess there’s only so much you can do with the main plots, but I wish they’d just do it because it seems like those plots are all that the DH writers can offer us.
While the neighborhood watch continued to prevent break-ins, Lynette was devising a plan to break her children into the private school. Lynette goes into the boys’ room and gets them exercising, tiring them so much that when they go in for observation, Mr. Lenz is shocked that they’re so immobile. Lynette just explains that they’re shy at first…as a ball comes and whacks one of the boys square in the head to no response. “Look at that concentration. Porter loves his puzzles.” Nice.
Gabrielle gets a text message to meet John at the motel and tries to run off, but Mama Solis is right there to follow Gabrielle, no matter how many times Gabrielle changes her story regarding what she’s doing. Gabrielle sighs as Mama Solis is ready to get some bras and a facial.
Susan walks up to talk with Creepy Plumber Mike, immediately mentioning Sexy Officer Thompson and the fingerprints on the screwdriver. Not only that, but the cop asked her out and she said yes. Mike can’t believe that Susan is asking his permission to go out with S.O.T., but Susan just wants to know his opinion, but Mike doesn’t really have one. How’s that for a signal? Mike stops Susan and apologizes that his life is very complicated right now, but Susan gets it and doesn’t need further explanation…as the camera pans around to a missing screwdriver from his tool set.
Bree is looking for Paul, but she opens the door to the Young house to see Zack washing the floor hypnotically. Paul was supposed to be on patrol with Bree for neighborhood watch, but he had to go out of town–again. Bree notices a bad spot on the floor and Zack tells her that he messed up the floor trying to get his mother’s blood out of it. Bree is understandably weirded out, but asks Zach over for dinner before leaving.
Over at the lingerie shop, Mama Solis wonders why Gabrielle shops so much, since those kind of women usually don’t have anything better to do. Gabrielle gets a suspicious look in her eyes, but Mama Solis doesn’t see that as she continues, suggesting that Gabrielle have children. Gabrielle is upset by the suggestion, but Mama Solis notices that Gabrielle keeps looking at her watch. Gabrielle denies that she has a hot date and says that her life is very fulfilling as she storms off.
Over to Lynette as she talks with Susan about Mike’s failure to be jealous about Sexy Officer Thompson. Lynette says that it’ll never work unless she bats her eyes at Mike, but Susan was batting everything that wasn’t nailed down. As Lynette continues to hunt for gophers, Susan laments about how she can be so easily sucked into a man. After all, that’s what happened with Carl, and that was a disaster. Is Mike a Carl in disguise? Susan doesn’t know, but what does “My life is complicated.” mean, after all?
Cut to Mike who sits on a bench with an old man (Bob Gunton) who has apparently been waiting for the Creepy Plumber’s arrival for quite some time. Mike explains that he left the screwdriver behind when he broke into the Frome house, and he didn’t bother with gloves because it was the suburbs and he didn’t think that Susan would be so adamant about nailing down the man who broke into the house. See, this is nice. “That’s a sweet sound– laughter like that, huh? Pisses me off.” Bob Gunton RULES. The old man explains that if and when Mike’s cover is blown, he has to disappear. Until then, keep fixing the neighbors’ pipes. Mike wonders if they’ve made a mistake coming to this town since they all seem like nice people, but the old man insists that one of them isn’t, and advises Mike not to screw up anymore.
And now, a word from our sponsors…here we go, they’re getting the right idea and giving some more light to Mike’s storyline. Turns out my idea that Paul Young hired Mike to keep watch on the Housewives was off, as it seems to be something a little bit more nefarious with the old man who hates children. I can’t even begin to guess what’s going on now.
Back at the Solis’ house, as Mama Solis is watching Spanish soap operas, but Gabrielle is anything but interested. Gabrielle sneaks off to find John as he’s working on a lawnmower. John is angry since he wasted a month of lunch money on the hotel room, but Gabrielle explains that Mama Solis just won’t leave Gabrielle alone, except for this instance. John is still angry, however, and begins to think that maybe he should be with someone his own age. Hey, what a sound idea, sport. Gabrielle wonders if John is tired of her, but John denies that, saying that he wants to be with her. Gabrielle tries to get something going, but Mama Solis is calling for Gabrielle. Gabrielle sets up a possible meeting for tomorrow after school, and that Gabrielle will think of a way to dispose of Mama Solis.
Back at the Scavo house, as apparently the private school is requesting that the Scavos make a donation to the school since they are in competition with one other family to get the two children in school. How generous of a donation? $15,000. That’s quite generous, and Tom agrees, since they don’t have that kind of money. Perhaps they look into homeschooling. Lynette can’t believe that, since even though Tom thinks that homeschooled kids do better in their later years, they won’t make it to the later years if she has to be with them all day.
Thanks to Zach accepting her invitation, Bree isn’t eating alone at the Van De Kamps. They have a talk about Christmas, and Zach brings up his mother, so Bree covers by explaining that her mother was hit by a car right before Christmas when Bree was just a little homemaker. Bree stayed home because she was so young, but she saw all of her mother’s blood on the street and washed it off with a hose since no one else would do anything about it. Bree’s never told anyone that story, and Zach explains that that’s the best kind of story. Zach has one of his own. “I know why my mom killed herself.” Oh my. That’s a secret, alright. Zach did something bad, but he can’t say anything more, and storms off before Bree can learn anything more.
And now, a word from our sponsors…from one main storyline to the other. This is a lot better than last week, but unfortunately, some of the boring subplots still hurt.
Back with the Housewives as Bree explains Zach’s secret to everyone else. Gabrielle is very weirded out by this and suggests that they go to the police, but with the note belonging to Paul now they have no evidence, so it’ll be up to Bree to coerce something more out of Zach. Bree has to use her manipulative tricks to get something more out of Zach, and she immediately sets out on her way, inviting Zach over again for dinner. Zach accepts, naturally to advance the storyline.
Lynette is reading a book on homeschooling as the boys fight in the next room. Lynette seems very non-caring about the whole thing.
Over with another Gabrielle/Mama Solis shopping trip as Gabrielle finds a dress for Mama Solis, but it’s form-fitting, which of course means that Mama Solis can’t breathe in it. Gabrielle explains that she must have made a mistake as she says that she’ll go to the bookstore as Mama Solis changes into something else. Mama Solis wants to stalk some more, but she’ll need to get to her dress first, which is stashed in a bag under one of her other dresses, and that’ll require Mama Solis to get over her embarassment of walking outside the dressing room. Gabrielle tries to get away as fast as possible, and Mama Solis gets stopped by the metal detectors as they find that she’s carrying stolen goods. Gabrielle gets away with a smile on her face as she goes to the entrance of the mall. Nice. Gabrielle and John share a kiss as Mama Solis is carried off by mall security, since she doesn’t know where that blouse came from.
Cut to Bree, who’s fixing a very festive Christmas dinner for Zach’s arrival. The phone rings, and it’s Rex, who invites Bree to dinner. Whoops. Bree walks out of her door and finds Zach, who has found his mom’s old Christmas stuff, but Bree explains that something important has just come up and she has to cancel. Zach is very disappointed, but she promises a dinner in the future.
Sexy Officer Thompson and Susan are out on their date in the police car as Susan uses S.O.T. to find out the criminal records of people from her past. S.O.T. thinks that his shift is over right now as he closes his laptop of information.
Over to the Scavos as the boys are asleep and Tom notices that Lynette has been reading up on homeschooling. Turns out it gave her a good idea–one needs to stay at home and one needs to make a living. And since Lynette made more money than Tom, she should go back to work while Tom stays with the kids. Tom rules out homeschooling immediately but has to figure out how to get fifteen grand to get the kids into private school. And then Lynette sees the picture of Tom’s sailboat. Poor Tom.
Over with Sexy Officer Thompson and Susan as S.O.T. is changing into street clothes. Susan notices in the trunk where his clothes are that the screwdriver is there as well. S.O.T. admits that it didn’t go to the lab, since no one would authorize the lab time for the screwdriver since nothing was stolen from the Frome house. S.O.T. thought they were clicking, however, so he didn’t want to just tell her that. Is it that big of a deal to Susan? Susan immediately sees him as a “Carl in disguise”, so yes. Susan blows S.O.T. off and takes her chances walking around in Crack Town than dealing with him. Thank God that storyline didn’t have to go on any longer.
Someone’s got a hatchet and it’s Zach, as he breaks in to someone’s house. Bree’s?
Susan is lost in Crack Town and runs into a whore who’s running her corner. Susan needs quarters and a pay phone, but the whore wouldn’t have quarters or there would be something very wrong with her whore business. The whore finally offers her cell phone and Susan calls Julie, and someone pulls up to see if Susan will turn a trick, but she’s on break as Susan begs Julie to get someone to Crack Town.
Back with the Van De Kamps, as someone has broken into their house. Yep, it’s Zach alright. The cop prefaces what they’re about to see with the generic “I’ve seen a lot but holy shit at this mate” crap and opens the door. Zach has decked out the house with Christmas decorations all over and has left three stockings–Paul, Zach and Mary Alice. Oh my. Zach is fudged up in the head.
And now, a word from our sponsors…home stretch time.
Back at the festive Van De Kamps as the police officer explains that Zach chopped down one of the pine trees. Bree wants the handcuffs off Zach even though he confessed to breaking in, as Paul runs through the barricade and barges into the door. He immediately looks over at his boy with a scary look and then Zach reaches out to hold hands with Bree.
Mike arrives to pick Susan up. “How much for a trip around the world?” Susan is saved from Crack Town, finally, as she throws the screwdriver on the dash, explaining about S.O.T.’s lies. Mike’s mistake is no longer a mistake.
Gabrielle talks with Carlos about the blouse incident, as Carlos is out-of-town and he’ll be late for dinner. Mama Solis needs to talk to Gabrielle, however, and he explains that when Mama Solis married her husband, it wasn’t long before he started beating her. Mama Solis could’ve gotten out, but she found a reason to live in Carlos, even though his father beat Carlos once. That gave Mama Solis the power to pray for tools to give her salvation from her husband. It’s not true that Carlos’ father left for a seedy waitress, that was a story Mama Solis made up. Oh my. Gabrielle doesn’t know why she’s being told this, but Mama Solis thinks otherwise. Mama Solis has to protect her children, you know. Gabrielle watches Mama Solis in fear.
Susan is ready to leave and Mike explains that he’s sorry for not being jealous. Susan just hates that she likes Mike so much without knowing anything about him. So Susan drills Mike on a few questions, including “What do you think of me?” The Creepy Plumber leans over and gives Susan a kiss without giving an answer, and Susan asks Mike to repeat his answer.
Over at the Young house, as Zach and Paul are fighting again. Bree is coming over to see what’s going on, as she hears a smack before reaching the door. Zach arrives at the door and insists that everything is fine, and Bree is weirded out but accepts that answer as Zach closes the door behind him, walking past his father who wipes his bloody lip. Man, this is good stuff.
Mary Alice goes into her final thought, tying the episode together by explaining that people are always looking out for intruders. Whether it’s the Neighborhood Watch, Lynette trying to break in her kids to the private school, Gabrielle trying to break out of Mama Solis’ prison, Mike being allowed in to ruin Susan’s life again, and Bree…to watch Paul and Zach leave for somewhere as Zach gives a mysterious and foreboding look to Bree.
End show! Come back next week!
Questions:
Who’s the old man talking to Mike? Now that we’ve established that Mike isn’t working for Paul Young (he’s got his private dick to do that anyway), then what does the old man want from Wisteria Lane? He senses that someone is guilty of something…is Mike an undercover cop, perhaps?
Honestly, what is the deal with Zach and Paul? Zach is a very troubled boy, who hits his father and holds hands with the most unlikely of company. They have to stick with these main two storylines or I just might lose my mind.
What subplots interest me? Rex and Bree trying to get their shattered relationship back together, Gabrielle/John/Carlos/Mama Solis, and that’s about it. Edie needs to be thrown into the mix more since she’s such a seedy whore.
