TNA Impact 10/29/04
We start, of course, with a recap of last week. XXX and AMW don’t like each other it seems, so we get Last Team Standing at Victory Road. Monty and Raven and Abyss have more fun, including a totally unnecessary Turn The Lights Off For A Surprise Run In. Never mind the fact that it makes no sense (Who shut off the lights? Did he have to bribe someone? Such good timing!) but when you do that it’s usually to have someone unexpected run in, not the third guy in the three way you already have planned. Just sayin. We also get Hardy receiving El Kabong after hitting the swanton on D’Amore. Jarrett tells Hardy to “Choke on THAT” and if *I* were talking to Jeff Hardy I’d choose my words a little more carefully.
Dusty comes out with Hail To The Chief playing and D-Ray holding a sign saying Dusty 2004. All the face jobbers are at ringside showing their support for Dusty, because they want an Incompetent Face GM instead of Russo. Notice I didn’t say the cliche Evil Heel GM, because Russo hasn’t done anything wrong that I can remember. Dusty drums up support for his GMitude, and TNA will make history at Victory Road “with or without” (snicker) Russo. For some reason AMW is out there with the jobbers. Whatever. Dusty introduces the NEXT tag champs, 3LK, which explains why AMW is out there. Dusty introduces the NEXT X-Division champion, AJ Styles. Dusty introduces the NEXT NWA World Champion, Jeff Hardy.
Out comes Russo with Don Harris. Note how AJ holds the ropes open for him. What happens next is the latest in a LONG line of surreal TNA promos, and just because I love you punk kids SOOOOO much, here’s the transcription.
Russo: “You know what? This may be the last time, I speak in front of a wrestling audience.” (crowd pops for reasons I still haven’t figured out. Russo pushes Dusty away from him) “Get off me!” (Harris steps between them, as Storm, (without Harris) comes into the ring in street clothes to back up Russo. Note how AJ, one of Dusty’s boys at the beginning, is also behind Russo) “So I’m going to make sure I get heard loud and clear. Do you think for one minute I don’t know what’s going on around here? You think this is new to me?? For the past five years, they’ve been trying to run me out of the business and why? Because I stuck up for the young talent in the wrestling business. They young talent that deserves a shot to get to where you got in this business Dusty. Look at me! Week after week after week you continue to come out here and steal their spotlight. And YOU know it (poking Konnan) and YOU know it (poking Killings, doesn’t Killings qualify as a young guy? Harris steps between Russo and Dusty’s Boys again) “So you know what Dusty? If I get fired again, so be it. Because I’ll know I did the right thing. Because YOU, my friend, are an egomaniac. (Dusty grabs two handfuls of Russo’s shirt. We have a pull apart. Dusty looks confused, Russo looks super pissed. Note that AJ is still on Russo’s side)
Dusty says that at Victory Road the ring will belong to his boys and the people, end segment.
This was REALLY weird.
Cut to the back as Jarrett arrives with a ladder and commercials.
Raven is in a straightjacket and apparently in the shower. Raven recites a rhyme about how he’s going to win the three way then get the belt. Sounds good to me.
Eric Stevens and Mark Stephens vs. Monty Brown, handicap match
You have GOT to be kidding me! You have two jobbers in the same handicap match with THOSE last names? TNA HATES me. Monty has a pillowcase with something in it, and if it was a huge boa constrictor I would find that WILDLY funny for some reason. Anywho, this was LITERALLY a 45 second squash. DUD.
Monty tells Raven not to play games, though his tongue piercing makes him harder than usual to understand. He shows he has a straightjacket and an Abyss mask in the pillowcase to they can play dress up. He proceeds to dress up the jobbers. He runs down Bryan Cox, who apparently flapped his yap about Monty on The Best Damn Sports Show, but since nobody watches that show I’ll have to take his word for it. We then get a voice and video talking about how badass Abyss is. For the first time in his career, Abyss has a voice that can speak for him, and I *THINK* it’s Jim Mitchell talking, and if so TNA can contact me on where to send the writing royalties.
Six Man X Division Gauntlet
It’s a Royal Rumble with 45 second intervals, and listening to Tenay try to explain the rules as a “Reverse Battle Royal” is pretty funny. We start with Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. They start with some tumbling, which ends up with Sabin hitting a dropkick on Shelley who is seated in the corner. Number Three is coming and I bet it’s a heel. It’s Kazarian, and he promptly gets a springboard legdrop on Sabin. Number Four is in and it’s Sonjay Dutt. He hits a fabulous rana on Kazarian where he starts outside on the apron, does a complete somersault flip over the ropes onto Kazarian to finish the rana. Awesome stuff. He then gets a neckbreaker and a reverse RKO on Shelley. Kazarian blocks another rana attempt, but gets flung outside to be the first elimination. Fourth is Michael Shane (w/Tracy) and Tenay babbles about what happens if there’s a judge decision. Trinity wants in as Fifth even though Russo said no. Trinity gets escorted off by Don Harris as Fifth is Sharkboy. Seriously, who throws a shark? Sonjay misses a springboard dropkick, and Shane superkicks him out. Sharkboy hits a Reverse Buff Blockbuster on Shane, allowing Sabin to eliminate him. Shelley eliminates Sharkboy leaving the first two as the last two. They reverse a bunch of moves until Sabin hits an enzugiri. Sabin finishes with his version of the Michinoku Driver for the pin. **1/2 Good stuff, tho 45 seconds between entrances isn’t really long enough.
Cut to The Best Interviewer In The Business with Coach D’Amore and Petey Williams. Douglas thinks D’Amore has revenge on his mind after getting swantoned by Hardy, and Petey is gonna mess him up. Petey talks about how he’s had to overcome the stigma of being a pretty boy like Hardy and AJ. Coach promises Petey is going to stop Hardy from making Victory Road. Enter Jarrett and Ladder and Jarrett is totally down with Petey messing up Hardy. Jarrett then naturally commandeers the interview, because it’s Planet Jarrett. Jarrett warns Hardy not to trust Nash.
We come back from commercials with a Pro-Russo campaign piece. I consider myself as old school as anybody, but even I can’t tell who the guys behind Dusty are in the black and white clip from what had to be the 70s. Anyone know? People have a choice, Russo, or Dusty and his legendary but ridiculous Bionic Elbow. Too funny.
The Naturals vs. 3LK, number one contenders match, even though Dusty already gave away the finish
I bet Konnan is still looking for his dawgs. Hey I was right! The crowd is ALREADY starting to turn on Konnan’s schtick, as he does the SAME EXACT THING in front of the SAME EXACT CROWD week after week. Douglas jumps James to start as Tenay goes over the list of upset wins by The Naturals, which of course means they have no chance. Douglas and James bash heads allowing Konnan to get El Tag Caliente. Konnan hits a powerbomb on Douglas two minutes in for the pin. Total crap. *
Hey yo! Scott Hall in the house with a REALLY Hawaiian shirt. Big Kev has the problem, yo. He wishes Jeff luck. Hey Yo Count: seven. Not bad for a 30 second spot.
Tenay is SHOCKED that The Outsiders could be so divided. Let’s hear from Nash.
Nash takes a shot at the WWF’s (sic) dress code for some reason. Nash has never heard Hall say no to a drink, but he’s saying no to their friendship. Nash tells Jeff he has his back, and giggles. Tenay and West both speculate that neither man said which Jeff they were rooting for.
Cue Piper’s music as apparently we want TWO weird promos this hour, rather than the usual just one. Let me paraphrase: Tonite Piper wants to talk to the audience, not the camera. He has been the main event of the biggest PPVs in history. Now he’s coming to Victory Road, which will stand up with the biggest PPVs in history. Maybe Road Wild. Piper wants to see Hardy crash and burn. Hall has gained about 80 pounds, but you wouldn’t want him falling on you. They’re going to have the albino pygmies running around, referring to the minis. How do you say “Screw you, Piper” in Spanish? Piper reminds the fans that they can vote for either Dusty or the guy who’s already given his notice. He polls the crowd: Russo gets one vote, Dusty gets one vote, and Dustin gets one vote from the stoned black guy. Piper warns the crowd not to vote for the guy who’s already given his notice, and he still doesn’t know who he’s going to be with in the pit.
We get a Pro-Dusty bit, using the same exact old footage that was in Russo’s bit. Vote for Dusty because he has the Experience (true) the Knowledge (ummmm) and the Understanding (BWAHAHAHAHA) to be the right choice.
Petey Williams (w/ Coach D’Amore) vs. Jeff Hardy, non title match
Out comes Jarrett (with Belt and Ladder but no El Kabong) and he gets ready to watch perched atop the ladder. Jarrett has a headset on so he can do commentary from atop the ladder. If Hardy had ANY brains whatsoever he would promptly run over to Jarrett and knock him off the ladder into the third row, but well, you know. Jarrett then spits up some sort of white liquid from his mouth. I can not make this stuff up. They do some reversals for 30 seconds and we go to commercial. CURSE YOU, AQUA SCUM 3000!
We come back with Hardy in the Tree of Woe and Petey stepping on his crotch. But does Hardy like it? Hardy makes the comeback with the climb the corner flip, as Jarrett reminds us that he won the belt in a ladder match. Yodeling Legdrop by Hardy, as EVERYTHING in this match so far has involved someone’s crotch. Just sayin. Petey schoolboys Hardy for two. Side Effect and Hardy goes for the swanton, but Jarrett shoves him off as the ref is distracted by D’Amore. AJ runs in and hits the springboard slop drop letting Hardy get the pin. * Hardy just keeps getting weirder.
End of show.
They limited the in-match commercials to the main event, so on one hand that’s a plus but on the other hand NO MORE COMMERCIALS DURING THE MATCHES. Sheesh. Of course, all is forgiven if that really WAS Jim Mitchell……
