The Crucifix

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Well well well, WWE has brought in the butcher this week huh? I’ve never seen a gutting like this before in my life. Then again I don’t think I’ve ever seen a gutting so I’d be the last person you’d ask. Either way it’s been a wacky week. On with the show…

Raw 11.01.04
-Gene Snitsky def. Eugene with The Mourning After Slam
-Triple H speaks via TitanTron to tell everyone that he is THE GAME, THE MAN, THE OWNER…and stuff. Oh and he’s not showing up…oh and Raw is nothing without him.
-Maria (Making THREE employed Diva Search girls) interviews Tajiri. He doesn’t care if HHH ever comes back. Flair and Batista whoop him for that.
-Flair and Batista come out to the ring. They talk. Bischoff comes out and makes SS matches. Mr. Benjamin vs. Captain Charisma. Trish vs. Lita.
Batista/Triple H/Edge and Snitsky vs. Benoit/Jericho/Maven and Orton. Flair wants to know where he is and GM Eric punks him and Evolution out, saying what did he ever get out of kissing their ass. All that and the winner of the elimination match gets to run Raw for 1 month while he’s on vacation. WOW.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: The WWE released Randy Orton from his contract today. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.

-Christian def. Hurricane with The Unprettier. Edge was out shilling the book during this. Mr. Benjamin came out to jump Christian. Christian brought in Viscera as his new problem solver. Benjamin gets killed.
-Edge gets his Tag Title from Benoit. They will defend against La Rez.
-Maven talks trash to Flair and Dave. Benoit and Jericho back him up.
-Simon Dean in-ring promo. He makes fun of fat people in the crowd. One fan gets in the ring, shoves Dean, flips his table and gets his ass kicked.
-La Rez def. Benoit and Edge to become NEW TAG CHAMPIONS. Edge was no help in the match and whooped Benoit afterward, making him tap to the crossface.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: The WWE chopped off Trish Stratus’ legs today. We wish Trish the best in her future endeavors.

-GM Eric makes Evolution vs. Orton, Jericho and Maven for the MAIN EVENT. If HHH doesn’t show, it’s a handicap match.
-Promo for Muhammed Hassan. His manager translates in Arabic.
-Mr. Benjamin def. Viscera.
-Trish (With legs at the time) cuts an in-ring promo showing a video of Lita being “The Kiss Of Death” for people’s careers. Lita’s chubby too. Lita comes out and brawls. Gail Kim (HER LAST NIGHT…SNIFF SNIFF) and helps beat on Lita.
-Jericho, Orton and Maven def. Flair and Batista. Flair and Batista tried to bail, HHH’s music hit and it was Tajiri dressed as Triple H.

THE RAW MEMBRANE:
LEGALLY:
-Triple H saying Raw is nothing without him is technically slander. I don’t know if you can slander a show, but if you can, it’s slander.
-Tajiri saying he didn’t care if Triple H doesn’t come back isn’t illegal (It might be in that locker room) but it’s really just mean.
-Batista whooping Tajiri was assault.
-GM Eric asking what he got out of kissing Evolution’s ass is cursing…on TV…naughty.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: The WWE has released the flying monkeys on The Hurricane. We wish him the best in his future endeavors…BEEEEOTCH!

-Since it was after a match, neither Shelton nor Viscera broke the Calvin Klein laws. But Viscera is guilty of trying to keep a brother down.
-Maven talking trash is verbal assault and being a snooty bitch.
-Simon Dean was guilty of slander…even though those people were friggin’ fat.
-“That Guy” was guilty of assault on Simon Dean.
-Simon Dean was guilty of a hate crime for beating up a fat person.
-Edge not participating in the tag title match was breach of contract. Him jumping Benoit afterward was assault.
-Muhammed Hassan is guilty of being Arab in America. Not a real crime but it seems like it now a days.
-Lita is technically guilty of violating the Calvin Klein laws. As is Gail Kim. Gail was so guilty she got fired.
-Tajiri is guilty of false impersonation.
-Tajiri is guilty of ruining Triple H’s water spit with the mist.

Personally:
-Eugene is just so retarded. No…literally. Snitsky’s Mourning After Slam is just fun to say.
-Triple H’s promo was the first shoot on Raw in a long time.
-So let me guess: We’re releasing everyone so we can sign ALL the Diva Search girls and ALL the Tough Enough guys?
-I like Bischoff’s turn. He’s good at being a dick and if he is a face and a dick it’s fun.
-Sorry but they could have had a commercial for Edge’s book instead of him ruining the Hurricane/Christian match. And if Viscera doesn’t get that chubby rapper dude from Men On A Mission to rap his ass to the ring I just won’t care about him.
-No IWCer has said this so I will: Maven NEEDS new tights. Those things are way small. Either that or he is more man than Ron Jeremy will ever be.
-The Simon Dean promo was funny. As is making fun of fat people. Believe me. I’m fat. I make fun of myself all the time. IT’S GRRRRRRREAT!

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: Sylvain Grenier has HIV. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.

-Edge was funny doing commentary during the tag title match.
-The only way for them to get more heat on Muhammed Hassan (And I REALLY hope WWE doesn’t read this and say “GOOD IDEA!”) is for them to dress him up as a pilot.
-Trish is great. She is always spot on with her promos. I’m actually looking forward to her and Lita. If they make it intense it should be fun.
-The Main Event was a fun piece of business. I laughed my ass off at Tajiri. The way he kind of just said “F*** that” with the water bottle and just sprayed the mist was hilarious.

Overall: Fun show. I’m enjoying the flip of the script with the faces having the numbers game in their favor.

By the way, I found a dog recently. Read the whole sign. If it is yours, just let me know.

MMMM MMMMM GOOD!

THOUGHTS ON A MISSED SHOW:
smackdown 11.05.04

-I won’t even comment on Tough Enough. All I will say is that I want Mike “The Miz” to win. Undying loyalty for Road Rules/Real World people. Like Inside Pulse’s own Katie Doyle who’s clockin’ in with TWO COLUMNS! this week.
-Josh Matthews? JOSH MATTHEWS! I always liked that guy.
-I still don’t dig Spike Dudley ordering people around. He couldn’t even tap Molly Holly and now he orders D-Von and Bubba around?

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: We have killed Spike Dudley due to Dan Hevia not liking him. We wish Spike the best in his future endeavors.

Hevia’s Note: THANKS!

-Carlito on Team Angle? That’s cool.
-RVD wasn’t meditating. He was high.
-Why replace Rey in the elimination match? Unless they have somebody lined…OH WAIT…Cena can come back for a night now can’t he? Fantasy Team here I come!
-The Torrie Wilson sex test? Are they really gonna run a train on her on TV? And if they are, why’d you release A-Train?
-Show of hands: Who thinks Booker T will actually win the title? Is that crickets I hear?

News Of The Week:
I’m going to list all the released people and my thoughts.
-Chuck Palumbo: Buried to hell by the gay wedding. Honestly, there was NOTHING you could do with that guy.
-Billy Gunn: See Palumbo. But magnify that by the fact that the guy was pushed with failure so many times that it just wasn’t worth it anymore.
-A-Train: “Shave Your Back!” isn’t a chant that sells tickets. And having no talent doesn’t help.
-Gail Kim: This surprised me. Only because if they were going to do it, I figured they’d release her when she was injuring everyone.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: The WWE released Vince McMahon from his contract and slit Linda McMahons’s throat today. We wish them the best in their future endeavors.

-Nidia: Well how do you turn a redneck into a Hispanic? You release her, that’s how!
-Jazz: Looked too much like her husband.
-Rodney Mack: Looked too much like his wife.
-Johnny Stamboli: No clue. Like I have no clue why he was under contract this long.
-Rico: Falls under the “Shocker” category. He seemed to be going along nicely. Also, he was really nice to all the fans outside events. So I wish him the best in his future endeavors.
-Test: He was buried years ago. Unlike the Buried Alive matches, he wasn’t crawling out.

Now apparently there have been twelve releases. I’ve named 10. They haven’t announced the other two. My guesses are Nunzio and Hardcore Holly. Nunzio because they released the rest of The FBI and Holly because he used to be a racecar driver.

ELECTION THOUGHTS:
-YES! No BS, no recounts. Just a big win for Dubya. God bless him. Hopefully he makes good decisions for our future. I have faith in him.
Oh, and I learned that he put Ronald McDonald on the national terrorist list.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: The WWE has castrated Shane McMahon. We wish him the best in his future endeavors.

Victory Road is this Sunday. Can’t say I follow TNA too much. But from what I can tell, it seems as though Jeff Jarrett will die before he loses that title again.

For the five of you who were wondering where Rolling The Dice was this week, here is your answer: I have the flu. So suck it.

BREAKING NEWS FROM WWE.COM: With the release or death of everyone, we have an announcement. I AM THE GAME! I OWN IT ALL! I WISH MYSELF THE BEST IN MY OWNERSHIP ENDEAVORS! With love, Triple H.

THE WEEKLY BREAKDOWN: WWE is the victim of a hostile take over. Raw was cool, Maven is HUGE, Hurricane runs from flying monkeys, Spike Dudley sucks, Josh Matthews rocks, I have the flu, suck it. Thank you.

Adios bitches!

-Hevia