Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Speed Stick Gel antiperspirant. Purchase one and you could win A-Rod’s Road Trip sweepstakes. The grand prize is a trip to New York which is totally hyped up but then ends up being pretty useless when all is said and done.
I apologize in advance for the truancy and shortness of my column. I just happened to get my new computer up and running in the past day or two, so I haven’t been able to chip away at this like I usually start doing around Wednesday or Thursday. Plus, my spell-check function is MIA, and my scheduled Jukebox contributor was a no-show. I may have to resurrect the 50 Cent jokes in order to save this one…
EmergncyAirlines (10:03:47 PM): I have managed to top myself…
vice roymonar ch (10:04:02 PM): …
EmergncyAirlines (10:04:12 PM): I slept from 5am to 30 minutes ago
vice roymonar ch (10:04:19 PM): holy f*ck
EmergncyAirlines (10:04:30 PM): (keeping in mind that that was 930pm CST)
EmergncyAirlines (10:04:35 PM): but still insane
vice roymonar ch (10:04:47 PM): 14 hours
EmergncyAirlines (10:05:02 PM): yeah, ridiculous
EmergncyAirlines (10:05:32 PM): I have to finalize this column while it’s still Saturday
vice roymonar ch (10:05:39 PM): hurry
vice roymonar ch (10:05:45 PM): 55 more mins, eastern time
EmergncyAirlines (10:05:55 PM): f*ck eastern time
vice roymonar ch (10:06:02 PM): =-O
EmergncyAirlines (10:06:43 PM): do you think Widro will have his goons mace me in the face and kick me off the site?
vice roymonar ch (10:07:04 PM): yes
vice roymonar ch (10:07:07 PM): i’m a goon so i know
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 10 of 16)
Kajagoogoo, “Too Shy”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (CRAPPY JOB BENEFIT CD VERSION)
I have decided to put together a benefit album for people with college degrees that have crappy jobs. It will be called Give Me $50K and a Corner Office or Give Me Death, and I have already signed on a large majority of InsidePulse’s music writers to record and remix some songs. Here is a tentative track listing…
1. “Public Service Announcement” (Aaron Cameron intro)
2. Aaron Cameron, “Take This Job and Shove It” (David Allen Coe cover)
3. Mathan Erhardt, “Inside Job” (Don Henley cover)
4. Tom D’Errico, “Why Don’t You Get a Job?” (Offspring cover)
5. Gloomchen, “Total Job” (The Faint cover)
6. Gordi Whitelaw, “Get a Job” (Silhouettes cover)
7. The Blood Brothers, “Wolf Party” (Michael Chadwick remix)
8. A Tribe Called Quest, “If the Papes Come” (Ali Shaheed/Mike Eagle remix)
9. The Donnas, “It’s So Hard” (Gloomchen remix)
10. God Lives Underwater, “Tricked” (Gloomchen remix)
11. Straylight Run, “Existentialism” (Eric Katz remix)
12. Eric Szulczewski, “I Don’t Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)”
(Marilyn Manson cover)
NEWS TO USE
Following up on the story from last week, singer R. Kelly has filed a lawsuit against rapper and former tour mate Jay-Z after he claims he was wrongfully forced off of the tour and also assaulted by a member of the rapper’s entourage. The breach of contract suit accuses Jay-Z of causing several different technical glitches during Kelly’s sets as a result of his being jealous that Kelly was more popular and made more money from the tour. He also claims that the rapper and his associates engaged “in a pattern of wrongful conduct” in order to get Kelly kicked off of the tour, which has now been renamed “Jay-Z and Friends,” and will feature Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, Pharell Williams, and Professor Griff. Kelly’s suit is asking for a total of $75 million in compensatory and punative damages. Word from Jay-Z’s camp is that Kelly’s “lack of professionalism and unpredictable behavior” (including consistently showing up late for performances and ending them mid-set for no apparent reason) is what ultimately caused him to be excluded from the tour. The boiling point ended up being an incident that occurred last Friday in which Kelly claimed that two men were flashing guns at him during a performance at Madison Square Garden, and abruptly left the stage. He then proceeded to find Jay-Z’s mother backstage, knocked her to the ground, and urinated on her face.
Jessica Simpson is being sued by cosmetics manufacturer Cosmojet, who claims that Simpson’s Dessert Beauty Inc. (which features edible makeup that tastes like ice cream and coconut and gyros and other delicious things) neglected to pay the entire $1 million it was owed to produce the items for her line. Cosmojet says that they are still owed $190,000 of that million. Simpson said that she is a spokesperson for the Dessert Beauty Inc. and has nothing to do with their financial operations. She also added that she was very happy that George W. Bush was reelected as the Emperor of Portugal.
Legendary Minneapolis nightclub First Avenue has closed its doors after 34 years of being a rock and funk mainstay in the city. It is also where Prince first performed to a large crowd, and where Purple Rain was filmed. Elliot Smilowitz, a newly named correspondent for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, recently interviewed one of the club’s owners…
Elliot: So after 34 years, you’re shutting your doors? Why?
Owner: We just haven’t been able to draw the crowds that we used to. We aren’t able to pay our rent anymore.
Elliot: You’re f*cking loser. It’s because of attitudes like this that Howard Dean isn’t president.
Elliot: You heard me.
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Princess Anne (daughter of Queen Elizabeth II) presented Eric Clapton with the honor of Commander of the Order of the British Empire, or CBE, on Wednseday for having performed at Buckingham Place. He had previously been named Officer of the Order of the British Empire in 1994.
Marc Almond, formerly of Soft Cell, who was severly injured a couple of weeks back in a motorcycle crash, is said to be recovering well at a London hospital and is expected to be back at full health sooner than later. He was taken out of the intensive care unit last week.
Destiny’s Child is releasing their new album a day early, on Monday, November 15th. Columbia Records cites “consumer demand, internet leaks, and CD priacy” as reasons for Destiny Fulfilled being pushed forward.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
As aforementioned, there is no Jukebox this week. Instead, here is a picture of my future wife…
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the CD carousel as I wrote this week’s column…
Stephanie Mills, “Never Knew Love Like This”
M, “Pop Muzik”
The Stranglers, “Golden Brown”
Stray Cats, “Stray Cat Strut”
Tricky f/PJ Harvey, “Broken Homes”
The Righteous Brothers, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin'”
Suicidal Tendencies, “You Can’t Bring Me Down”
Ramones, “Beat on the Brat”
Kool Keith, “Master of the Game”
Santa Esmeralda, “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood”
The Avalanches, “Radio”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Jacko has yet another man claiming that he was molested by the singer, this one supposedly occurring in 1984. Joseph Thomas Bartucci Jr., who was 18 at the time of the incident, says that he had repressed the memories, but remembered what had happened after watching a special on Court TV that outlined the charges against the singer. Bartucci claims that Jackson sexually assaulted and battered him, and the abuse had caused a long list of infirmities, including scarring, aggravation of pre-existing heart problems, suicidal tendencies, post-traumatic disorder, and eyesight impairment. EYESIGHT IMPAIRMENT? Guess what, I just remembered that back in 1984 a horse stepped on my foot. I wonder if it’s still alive, and more importantly, if its owner has money. I think it’s that horse’s fault that I’m not a millionaire yet.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’ve got a broken face… uh-huh, uh-huh, uuuuuh-huh, uh-huh.