TNA Impact 11/5/04
And we start with…..
Johnny B Badd vs. Tony Stradlin
Mero has the Badd Blaster but no Fu Manchu Mustache from hell. I can’t tell if he has any eyeliner on, and if not that’s fine with me. Badd with the kicky punchy in the corner, setting him up for the top rope rana. According to Tenay it’s called the Badd Move. But it’s so good! Badd hits the TKO for the pin 90 seconds in. But where’s Da Diss Dat Don’t Miss???
Jarrett drags The Best Interviewer In The Business back to The Monkeys In The Truck (he *IS* Jericho’s Evil Twin!) and gives them a tape and tells them to play it when he goes out to the ring. So THAT’S how it’s done! Now all they need to do is show us how they get the music guy to play their intro just before the Unexpected Run In.
We get a reminder for The Best Damn Wrestling Show on 11/10 and 11/11, and get pre taped highlights including John Salley in a blue Pimp Daddy outfit throwing a basketball at D’Amore, The Guy Who’s Name I Can’t Remember playing Morton Downey Jr. to Piper’s, um, Piper, and Tom Arnold in a ref shirt rolling around on the ground with a midget. I keep TELLING you people, I can’t make this stuff up. All you need to know is that for the Pit segment with Piper The Guy Who’s Name I Can’t Remember is wearing a T-shirt that says “Wrestling Is Fake”. This can only end in tears. Oh Chris Rose, that’s his name. We also get to see the bit that Monty hinted at between himself and Bryan Cox. When Ex-Patriots Collide! Of course, he referred to this segment LAST week, and the show is NEXT week, and somewhere The Freebirds just lost the tag titles before they won them.
Tales From The Pit has Piper reminiscing about how the Pit can only be improv and apparently it’s not a good idea to piss off Andre the Giant. Apparently Cyndi Lauper is crazier than Capt. Lou. When your in the Pit Piper says you have two choices: leave, go down, or take him out. Without missing a beat he realizes he can’t count, and THAT’S why he wrestles.
Tenay is in the ring running down the Victory Road card. Out comes Triple J with the belt and ladder, but no Batista or Flair. Jarrett has a news flash for us: Hardy isn’t making it to Victory Road. He tells The Monkeys In The Truck to play the tape, and we get the semi-infamous tape of Jarrett and Petey Williams beating up Hardy in his hotel room at 3 a.m. If it was *me*, I might have told the neighbors that there wasn’t really an assault going on next door to them, and no need to call the cops or anything, but that’s just me. Anywho, we get the beat down, including a beer bottle shot blurred out for blood. The irony is it was about ten times less violent than HHH and Regal’s recent incident, yet they are the ones who almost had to deal with the cops. It’s all about planning, people. Jarrett doubts Nash can walk, let alone climb a ladder. Why would Nash be climbing a ladder. Some strange country music hits as West yells “We know THAT music!” I don’t, do you? Apparently it’s Dusty’s music. Dusty tells Jarrett he has two problems: 300 pounds of Dusty, and Dusty being in charge soon. I would think the 300 pounds thing would be Dusty’s problem, not Jarrett’s, but well, you know. Dusty tells Jarrett that when you beat on someone like a dawg, A YELLA DAWG!, you better make sure you get the job done. This is of course a diversion for Hardy, head wrapped, to come out and beat on Jarrett. He goes for a swanton off the ladder, but Petey comes out to distract. Hardy kicks Petey away, but Jarrett jumps up and knocks Hardy off the ladder to the outside. The Usual Gang Of Idiots is too late, as usual.
Back to The Best Interviewer In The Business, Chris Sabin, and Some Hot Blonde. Douglas reminds Sabin how lucky he is to be #20 in the X-Gauntlet at Victory Road, by virtue of his win last week. Sabin would rather be #1, and Shane looks at him like his name is Eugene. Some Hot Blonde has a big glass jar with pieces of paper in it. Sabin leaves as Douglas says we have a 4 way match tonite, the loser of which is #1. Amazing Red and Matt Sydel are already in. Shane picks out the third competitor, and it’s Kazarian. Shane and Kazarian magically appear, and they accuse TNA of Shenanigans, saying all the rest of the pieces of paper say Shane on them. Douglas draws the fourth name and Shane doesn’t want to hear it because he knows it’s him. Shane is amazed at the name on the paper. “Is he even WITH the company yet??” Did I mention I think I’m in love with Some Hot Blonde?
Back to ringside as Hardy is STILL being treated. And by “treated” I mean “tossed roughly onto the stretcher.” That’s right, move his spine around a little more. Commercials! I need commercials! Yessss precious, commercials…..
During the commercials Jarrett got some more shots in on Hardy, because why would we want to see stuff instead of commercials FOR TNA?
Abyss vs. Seth Delay
Abyss has a pillowcase with something in it, and if it was a huge boa constrictor I would find that WILDLY funny for some reason. Wow, deja vu. Delay immediately shows he is The Smartest Man In Wrestling by fleeing for his life. Abyss catches up to him as the crowd AGAIN chants Black Hole Slam. THIS squash was 40 seconds. DUD Abyss tells the ref that he wants a six count, and Tenay notes how he demands a five count. What IS it with wrestling and math?? Cue Monty’s music, as Abyss hugs his pillowcase. As The Usual Gang Of Idiots restrains Monty, Abyss empties the thumbtacks in the pillowcase onto the ring.
Cut to Raven, who explains that apparently part of the stipulation for Monster’s Ball is nobody gets food or water for 24 hours. Alrighty then. Raven’s new thing is that he’s slowly going crazy, and if you think Raven would be good at that you are, of course, correct.
We come back with Shane Douglas interviewing AMW. Tonight we get Storm vs. Daniels. AMW yells some.
Christopher Daniels vs. James Storm
The sad thing is, this could be really good, yet I have this strange foreboding feeling. The exchange clubbering until Daniels puts his head down. Skipper runs in 30 seconds in, letting Storm take over until Storm hits a superkick. Daniels breaks up the pin for the DQ at 54 seconds. DUD. Harris runs in with a chair to break up the beat down. The Naturals run in for no explained reason to distract him, allowing XXX to take over, including handcuffing Harris to the turnbuckle. XXX beats down Storm, The Naturals taunt Harris, and if you squint you can see Those Crazy Canadians laughing at them all. XXX goes to Pillmanize Storm’s leg, but The Usual Gang Of Idiots breaks it up. Daniels then waffles Storm’s knee with the chair, showing just how effective The Usual Gang Of Idiots is. What a cluster.
We get a commercial for The Best Damn Sports Show, including clips of Flair and Rock, and I’m sure Vince is TOTALLY down with that.
Amazing Red vs. Matt Sydel vs. Kazarian vs. Spanky, loser of the fall is #1 in X-Gauntlet at Victory Road
Tenay and West are of course amazed that it’s Spanky. Red and Sydel start as Tenay runs down Spanky’s resume. In case we see any good wrestling, we cut to Trinity bitching about how she wants a match. Back to the ring as Spanky is in with Sydel. He hits a Flying Jalapeno, a drop kick, and Sliced Bread #2. He slingshots Kazarian in and gets a kick on him. A leg lariat hits, but another Bread attempt is broken up by Shane. The only problem with this match, of course, is that since the loser is #1, all you basically have to do is Never Tag In, but hey, thinking is for losers. Trinity distracts Kazarian allowing Spanky to hit a ddt/rollup combo for the pin less than two minutes in. * Out comes Russo to tell “Punky Brewster” (ooooh BURN!) that she has a match at VR, and she’s not going to like it. And neither are we, no doubt.
Next is Jarrett and Petey vs. AJ and Mystery Partner, since Hardy can’t go. But first, commercials!
Petey Williams (w/ Coach D’Amore) and Jeff Jarrett (w/belt and El Kabong) vs. AJ Styles and Mystery Partner
The Mystery Partner is Ron Killings, because he has nothing better to do. The sad thing is, this could be really good, yet I have this strange foreboding feeling. Wow, deja vu. AJ and Jarrett start, but it’s a SHOCKING SWIRVE, as Jarrett was just there to let Petey sucker punch AJ. AJ with a dropkick to the back of the head, and a ten count of Petey’s head to the turnbuckles. Petey is all “Screw THAT” and tags in Jarrett, who eats a drop toehold. Blind tag to Killings as the faces hit a double clothesline on JJJ. Killings with some kicks, and we better go to commercials since we’ve had 90 seconds of wrestling. I’m tired of bitching about this, so I won’t.
We come back magically fast forwarded three minutes as Jarrett has taken over on AJ. Screw you TNA. AJ hits the Pele on Petey, allowing hot tags. Killings works over both heels, including fighting out of a Destroyer attempt. AJ hits a rana on JJJ, getting both of them out of the ring. D’Amore distracts Killings, allowing Jarrett to waffle him with the belt. AJ pulls the ref out to break up the count, and the ref gets caught between AJ and Petey outside. While all this is going on, Hardy runs in and hits the Twist of Fate and swanton on JJJ. He covers him AND THE REF COUNTS THE PINFALL. * Somewhere Eugene is looking at his TV and says “Man, that was retarded.”
End of show.
If Squahpact was TNA’s version of Velocity, it would be fine, but they only have this and Xplosion or whatever the hell it is and… eh screw it, they don’t care, why should I.
