The SmarK Rant for TNA Victory Road 2004

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The SmarK Rant for TNA Victory Road 2004

– Live from Orlando, FL

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West

– The video package that opens the show is a bit of a pretentious wankfest. And a total ripoff of the WWE style of production. I mean, even the graphics hyping the matches, with the wrestlers moving into a freezeframe, is exactly the same. The six-sided ring is a neat look, however.

– Opening match, X Gauntlet: We start with Kazarian (who has lost his first name since I last watched) and Sonjay Dutt. Never seen Dutt before. Kazarian powers Dutt down and tosses him, but Dutt hangs on and comes in with a rana. Tornado DDT follows and they fight on the ropes, but Kazarian hangs on. Puma is next in, but walks into a rana from Dutt right away. He comes back with a falcon arrow and Dutt gets double-teamed on the ropes, but fights out. Next up is LA Park, of course wielding a chair. He makes use of it and stops to pose, because really what’s life without it? Kazarian attacks him as Jarelle Clarke is next and moonsaults Dutt. Not much there, and Miyamoto is next, dressed as Great Muta. Steal from the best, I guess. He drops the power elbow on Park as Clarke does a 630 splash and Michael Shane is next. Puma is finally tossed, as is Clarke. Then Miyamoto, as Kazarian & Shane clean house. Hector Garza is next and helps Park out to break up Shane & Kazarian, but Dutt flies in with a springboard armdrag on Park. Nice. Nosawa in next, and he dropkicks the shin of Garza, only to get kicked down by Park to end a nice sequence. Everyone fights in the corners and Mikey Bats is next, getting a stunner on Kazarian on the way in. Shane hits him with an exploder, however, and it’s back to everyone slugging it out. Alex Shelley is next, and he tosses Dutt and kicks him out. Park gets backdropped out next, which the crowd hates since he’s on the few guys in there with star power. Matt Sydal comes in next and does a standing moonsault on Shelley, who is apparently hurt on the floor. More fighting in the corners, and Sonny Siaki is up next. He hits people with various slams and tosses Nosawa. How is Siaki an X-division guy? Garza tosses Bats as Shark Boy has appeared from somewhere. I think my copy skipped forward a couple of minutes or something. Psicosis is next and goes after Garza, but gets nowhere. D-Ray is next, and teams with Shark Boy, but they both get sent to the apron by Shane & Kaz, and then clotheslined out by Siaki. Amazing Red is next as Alex Shelley goes up and gets tossed. Spanky, who thankfully adds more star power, is next and goes after Kazarian and Shane, but gets sent to the apron. He springs back in and gets superkicked by Shane. And finally, Chris Sabin is #20, as he joins with Spanky to double-team Siaki. They dropkick him out. Spanky goes for a victory roll on Shane, and then dumps him from that position. Spanky and Red put Kazarian on top, and then everyone left piles up in a crazy pyramid superplex spot. That was awesome. Psicosis dumps Jason Cross, and then slugs it out with Red and gets kicked off the apron. Red and Kazarian then fight on the apron and Red gets kicked off. So we’re down to Spanky”¦or not, who gets tossed doing Sliced Bread #2. That leaves Sabin, Kazarian and Garza. Kazarian goes up, but Sabin pops and throws him across the ring with a crazy release german, hitting Garza with his body on the way down! Garza crotches Sabin and dropkicks him out, however, leaving Garza v. Kazarian. They slug it out and Kazarian sweeps him down and drops a leg for two. Garza comes back with a moonsault for two. Kazarian slingshots in with a DDT for two. Garza tries another moonsault and misses, but counters a rollup for the pin at 24:41. Good spots, but the match didn’t really tell much of a story and Garza doesn’t really do anything for me. ***1/4

– Kid Kash, Dallas & The Naturals v. Erik Watts, Pat Kenney, Johnny B. Badd & Ron Killings. Kash starts with Kenney and they trade armdrags, as Tenay relates the story of his “Empire Saint” nickname, which still sucks. Badd comes in, looking like an aging drag queen out of makeup, and hammers on Douglas in the corner, then brings in Watts. The Naturals double-team Watts, who cheerfully no-sells as Dallas comes in. Watts chokeslams him, gets sideslammed. Kash comes in and walks into a bicycle kick, and Kenney works Kash over, but Kash fires back with forearms in the corner. Back to Dallas, who boots Kenney down and goes up, but misses a moonsault. Killings gets what appears to be a hot tag, and everyone is brawling. They all fight to the floor, leaving Chase Stevens on the top and Badd taking him down with a rana. Killings Pedigrees Stevens for the pin at 4:37. Not much of a match. 1/2* Badd in particular looked like a total anachronism out there.

– Piratita Morgan v. Mascaritas Sagrada. Morgan slugs him down, but gets armdragged down. A dropkick puts Morgan on the floor, and Sagrada follows with a mini-quebrada. Sagrada comes in from the top with a rollup for two. The crowd starts shitting all over the match as Morgan gets a samoan drop, leading to a comedy spot where they check on Sagrada and he fakes out Morgan and the ref. Rollup ends it at 2:56. I don’t rate midget matches.

– Grampa Hall makes a surprise appearance, looking bloated and generally every minute of his age and getting a huge face pop despite aligning himself with the top heel. He cuts a pointless promo and presumably goes to the back and passes out.

– NWA World tag titles: Bobby Roode & Eric Young v. BG James & Konnan. Konnan and James still doing their tired pre-match schticks is kind of sad. James starts with Roode and they slug it out, which Roode loses. James misses a crossbody on Young and misses, however, sending him to the floor. Back in, Young (looking like a deranged Adam Sessler) pounds on James and gets a backbreaker for two. Young & Roode double-team James with a slam into a Roode legdrop for two. James comes back and they collide, allowing Roode to draw Konnan in and thus do some cheating. Young goes to a facelock, and it’s a false tag as Young drops an elbow off the top for two. Now Scott D’Amore distracts the ref, but the heels collide and James makes the hot tag to Konnan. He tosses the Canadians around, not going down for any of the moves, and gets the SHITTY HALF-CRAB OF DOOM on Young, but now it’s BONZO GONZO. Roode hits James with a spinebuster and sets up for his lariat, but Konnan trips him up and James sets up for a pumphandle. Ron Killings brawls with D’Amore, allowing Roode to get his lariat, but Konnan hits him with the carpet muncher to win the titles at 6:54. This felt rushed and thrown together. *

– Piper’s Pit time, with Jimmy Snuka. Oh, this has trainwreck written all over it. Piper spends an inordinate amount of time trying to convince Snuka to hit him with a coconut, and THANKFULLY Kid Kash interrupts. Turns into a big mess with the Naturals and Sonjay Dutt getting involved, and I move on.

– Trinity v. Jacqueline. Wow, big shock. I guess she was the only WWE castoff without a no-compete clause. Jacqueline gets rid of Gilberti and Swinger and then hits them with a plancha outside. Back in, Trinity kicks her down and slugs away, then rolls through a crossbody for two. She boots her into a powerslam and a high kick gets two. Jackie slugs back and gets a release german for two. Swinger interferes and necksnaps her, allowing Trinity to finish with a moonsault at 1:51. Whatever. 1/2*

– Abyss v. Raven v. Monty Brown. Abyss attacks Raven on the floor and crotches him on the railing to start, while Brown sets up a table and then gets whipped into the post by Abyss. Brown appears to be channeling Ahmed Johnson and Bob Sapp, as I guess every promotion needs a scary black dude. Abyss and Raven fight up into the crowd, and Abyss heads into the ring with a backbreaker for two on Brown. Raven and Brown try to double-team him, but Abyss fights them off and splashes Brown in the corner. Raven heads out and grabs a chair, but Abyss boots it away from him, so Raven clotheslines Brown instead and sets up the chair. DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM on Abyss gets two. Another one on Brown backfires, as Brown just stops running and then slugs down the other two. Abyss gets dumped, and Brown boots Raven down and suplexes him, then gets a blockbuster slam. Ref bump as Raven collides with the ref and disappears, then Brown powerslams Abyss. He collides with Raven, however, and walks into the Abyss slam, but of course there’s no ref. Abyss grabs a bag of thumbtacks and puts Brown on the top rope, then goes for a superplex. Gee, wonder what’ll happen? And yes, Brown counters and sends Abyss onto his own thumbtacks, like a big shiny bag of pointy irony. It’s only cool when Foley does it, guys. With the first ref apparently legally dead, a new ref comes out and counts two for Raven. Raven brings a table in now and fights off both guys, then punches Abyss through a table, but Brown spears Raven through his own table for the pin at 9:25. Total mess. *1/2

– X title: Petey Williams v. AJ Styles. They trade suplex attempts to start and get nowhere, but Williams gets a rollup for two. They trade rollup counters for a few near-falls and it’s a stalemate. They trade chops and AJ takes him down and they criss-cross into a Styles dropkick. Petey bails, so AJ follows with a quebrada attempt. It misses, but he lands on his feet and kicks Williams into the railing, then hits him with a tope con hilo. Back in, Williams takes AJ into the ropes, allowing D’Amore to get a cheapshot, and Williams hangs him in the Tree of Woe. He sings the national anthem while stepping on his nuts, which gets you right there. They slug it out and AJ pops up as Williams tries another singing crotch stomp, but Styles flips him out of the corner to counter. Williams goes to the apron and AJ backflip kicks him off the apron, and back in they slug it out until AJ gets a suplex to take over. Williams tosses him, but Styles comes right back in with a springboard forearm for two. Williams comes back with a Canadian legsweep, but they reverse each other’s finishers until AJ tosses him into the turnbuckles. Styles Clash attempt is reversed into a pinfall reversal sequence, but now D’Amore distracts the ref again. Williams tries to use the dreaded HOCKEY STICK, but the ref gets that, so he uses the belt instead and gets two. AJ counters the piledriver attempt and puts Williams on top, but D’Amore gets involved again, allowing Williams to come off with the Canadian Destroyer (HOLY FUCK, what was that? I mean, DAMN!) to finish at 9:47. Kind of disappointing. ***

– America’s Most Wanted v. Christopher Daniels & Elix Skipper. This is last man standing rules. Everyone brawls outside to start, and back in the ring Storm backdrops Daniels out. He hits Skipper with an inverted suplex and AMW get a Hart Attack on him, then Storm superkicks Daniels. Storm goes up as they set up for the Death Sentence, but Skipper breaks it up and gets clobbered by Storm as a result. Storm pins Daniels, but he answers the count at 8. So it gets a bit more organized now, as Storm powerbombs Daniels and Harris comes in with a clothesline, but Daniels gets a sideslam and Skipper kicks Harris down for two. Skipper slams Daniels on Harris, and Daniels works the back over to set up a Rockerplex on Harris that gets two. Harris comes back with a lariat on Daniels and brings Storm in, and he cleans house, powerslamming Skipper for two. Daniels dropkicks the knee, however, setting up a double-team powerbomb that gets the pin for XXX. Storm answers the bell, however. Daniels hits him in the knee with a chair, however, and he can’t answer the bell this time. So it’s 2-on-1 now. Daniels misses his moonsault on Harris and gets speared for two. Storm gets rid of Skipper and legdrops Daniels off the middle rope for the pin, and Daniels can’t answer the bell, either, so it’s Storm v. Skipper. Skipper appears to be knocked silly, and has trouble getting into the ring. Storm brings him in and they really botch a powerbomb spot, which gets two for Storm. Skipper looks really scary out of it. Harris tries a suplex, but his back gives out, and Skipper tries the Play of the Day, and he’s just gone and can’t even do his big move. They should just stop the match, because he needs help. Skipper grabs a chair, but Harris gets his Catatonic on the chair for the pin. Skipper accidentally kicks out, but the ref ignores him and tells him to stay down anyway, and it’s over at 11:31. Really ugly thanks to Skipper’s apparent concussion. Hopefully he’s okay. **

– NWA World title: Jeff Jarrett v. Jeff Hardy. Hardy’s new nickname is “The Charismatic Enigma”. Is Dennis Miller doing the wrestler names now or something? Hardy is painted green tonight, because I guess that’s what all the cool addicts are doing. This is of course a ladder match. Jarrett attacks him to start, but gets whipped into some ladders by Hardy and slammed on one. Hardy sets up one upside-down, and squishes Jarrett inside it. Well, that’s innovative if nothing else. Hardy makes the first climb, but Jarrett slugs him off it. They fight weakly outside, where Jarrett drops him on a ladder and suplexes him on it. They head back into the ring and the crowd is so uninspired by Hardy that they start cheering for JEFF JARRETT. Yes, Jeff Hardy is so bad that he’s making Jarrett draw heat. Jarrett spears Hardy off the apron with a ladder and they brawl outside, as Jarrett wins that battle and makes the climb back in the ring. Hardy dropkicks him off the ladder and follows with a swanton onto a ladder, but now Scott Hall waddles out and takes Hardy off the ladder with a Razor’s Edge. Man, would Jeff Hardy and Scott Hall have some drinking stories to tell. It’d probably make for a more entertaining 30 minutes than this match. They fight to the top and Hardy jumps off the top onto a pair of ladders, in a ridiculously contrived spot where the ladder obviously missed Jarrett by a foot. Hardy climbs and Jarrett follows, and both go crashing down again. Hall interferes again and attacks Hardy, but to no avail. Hardy heads back in and climbs, but Jarrett dumps him on Hall. Everyone brawls on the floor, and Hardy hits the heels with a dive over the top. Hardy gets yet another ladder as the camera focuses dramatically on the “Danger: Do Not Stand or Sit” sticker to build tension. Luckily, they don’t do either, as they fight up it and it falls over in the aisle. Back in, more ladders, and they climb their own ladders, but Hardy goes low and tries a powerbomb off the ladder. However, he f*cks up the move and they both fall off and look bad doing so. Then they try the same thing to the floor, and again Hardy screws it up and nearly kills Jarrett. Back in, he climbs again, but it’s more Hall, so Hardy gives him a Twist of Fate (which Hall can’t even go down for) and climbs again. Jarrett knocks him off with a chair and climbs again, but now Kevin Nash (fashionably late as usual) strolls out. The tracksuit looks particularly badass. Nash, SHOCKINGLY, turns on Hardy and joins his longtime friend, as Jarrett retains the title at 18:33. So was that supposed to be a surprise twist or something? This was like a slow-motion Xerox copy of something from 1999. ** Nash & Hall throw out an open challenge to the locker room, totally burying the entire promotion in the process by basically saying they’re the only ones who have ever drawn money, and AJ Styles answers. 3 Live Kru also run out and things go badly as it turns into Massacre at the Retirement Home for WWE Rejects. And finally, Randy Savage makes his one and only TNA appearance for all of 15 seconds as the big surprise before quitting the next day.