Like a bunch of first graders on the playground, Survivor: Vanuatu is all about boys against girls. Has it really come down to this? Try as they might, not even the show’s master editors could add an element of suspense to this week’s episode, in which our beloved Sarge got canned. I can’t believe that the remaining players had the audacity to eliminate such an original character. For gosh sakes, don’t they consider ratings when they go to tribal council? Sarge is what would happen if Jeff Spicoli and Jesse Ventura had a love child: he’s laid back yet commanding, prone to overuse of the word “dude” but still possessing motivation to kick ass. Rupert may have already won the People’s Choice award, but there’s no substitute for Sarge. I’ll miss him and his ass-tanning ways.
With the dwindling number of males, I’m wondering if there’s any hope left for Chad and Chris. Chris remained optimistic, spouting the line that the game is always changing and one never knows what will happen next, blah, blah, blah. True enough, but the likelihood that he’ll be around three weeks for now is about as solid as the chance of an election recount in Ohio. I haven’t felt this depressed for a player since Shii Ann got screwed over in Thailand.
Speaking of the Shii Devil, I thought that Sarge’s exit from the game smacked of her signature tell-all final tribal councils. In both Thailand and All-Stars, Shii Ann, full well knowing she was about to get the boot, decided to reveal as much information as possible to create maximum damage. Sarge seemed bent on doing the same thing. He exposed Julie’s lie to Twila and talked straight up about the unwavering women’s alliance. I’m anxious to see if there will be any consequences resulting from his frank talk once the remaining eight get back to camp. I hope Twila totally bitches Julie out for being so deceitful.
But as it was pointed out at tribal council, Julie initially got off “scot free” for her evil deeds toward Twila and then she and Leann lied to the guys in what is sure to go down in history as the infamous chicken bone incident. Once I saw Julie and Leann pass out the chicken wings to the women, I knew one of the men was going home that episode. Granted, the two women had a right to dole their meat and bones out as they pleased (stop snickering), but it seemed pretty mean and petty. Oh well. I’m sure Sarge, Chris, and Chad had no idea they were cheated out of a full hot wing until they saw the show themselves.
And let me take a moment to examine how those wings were won in the first place. The reward challenge was a Survivor classic: players answer trivia questions and systematically eliminate each other from the competition by snuffing torching, smashing masks, or shoving coconuts into a bin. Leann, the contestant with the most lukewarm personality, emerged victorious and strategically chose to take Julie on the champagne and hot wings reward. Predictably, the three guys were the first to warm their butts on the loser bench, but what intrigued me was the behavior of Eliza and Scout. Eliza was the first woman to blaze out of the game, a situation that left her furious, to put it mildly. Scout played it off as a testament to Eliza’s cranial threat to the rest of the women. Given that Scout herself holds a doctorate, I don’t believe for a second that she’s intimidated by the “little one’s” smarts. Scout was trying to be diplomatic, but it ended up sounding like a bunch of pig poo.
Which is certain to be in abundant supply around the Alinta camp in the future. I really want to know why the tribe received a damn pig that they’re required to keep alive. Eliza’s timid attempts to lead the pig on its leash back to camp were hilarious, as were Sarge and Twila’s carnivorous wielding of their machetes when they first caught glimpse of Mr. Pork. I have to say, Mark Burnett has reached a new level of torture and temptation with this one. Forget locked boxes and buried treasure. Delivering oinking, fresh meat to the survivors and telling them they can’t have it is plain cruel.
As is forcing men to coordinate colors and geometric shapes, apparently. I couldn’t believe that they guys made such a pathetic showing at the immunity challenge and I was disappointed to watch them prove that a Y chromosome really does render a person colorblind (or at least color stupid). Maybe Sarge in particular was unable to concentrate on the task because he couldn’t get images of bacon and ham out of his mind. No matter. He blew it and Ami picked up another layer of protection that she didn’t really need (oops, did that sound like a maxi pad commercial?).
As Jeff so sagely pointed out in his best Mike Brady voice at the end of tribal council, only individual immunity can assure a player a temporarily solid position in the game. And unless Chad and Chris are able to bestow that honor upon themselves, the women will roast them over the next tribal council fire.
