Why, dear Lord, oh why, when I now have Half-Life 2 on my hard drive, am I f*cking around with Smackdown? I should be enjoying myself playing at being Gordon Freeman rather than watching yet another edition of this crapfest and recapping it for ungrateful bastards like you. Then again, I could also be other productive things, like continuing to celebrate the departure of the bitch boss Ann Veneman or my laundry or masturbating. It doesn’t have to be the long-awaited sequel to the Greatest Fucking Game Ever Made, Bar None…
…oh, who am I kidding? I’m doing it because I blew off both Tuesday and Wednesday due to exhaustion and a wicked case of acid reflux, and because I get off on having my scribblings read by an audience. And you enjoy it too, much more than Smackdown in most cases. Besides, where else can you go for all of your screen cap LUV other than to the Short Form? So I’ll continue to write while you masturbate. It’s easier for most of you than for me anyway (masturbating, not quality writing). Just see how you get when you hit forty like I do next week. You’ll probably prefer to recap a show than masturbate too.
And speaking of masturbation, what has WWE cum up with for us this week? Let’s take a look…
THE SMACKDOWN SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Charlie Haas over John Heidenreich (COR, nervous breakdown): All I can say is this: the way Heidenreich behaved at the end of the match is how I feel every single day at work. Except that I don’t curl up in the fetal position and cry. Well, not often.
Heidenreich sets up Haas for the shoulderbreaker
Rey-Rey and Spot-Spot over Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree, Non-Title Match (Pinfall, Van Dam pins Suzuki, Five-Star Frog Splash): My Ignore Screen was already set up with Van Dam’s involvement. I ended up trimming my nails. You can’t imagine how much grunge gets under there when, like a gyno for fat women, you’re grabbing the insides of cows all day. But just to be fair, I’ll give a shit about this match when they redo it at Armageddon.
Rey-Rey on his way to blowing yet another spot
This spot, however, was not blown. Nice ‘rana, Rey-Rey.
Kurt Angle over Dean Fisk, Kurt Angle Invitational Match (Submission, AngleLock): Actually, this Dean Fisk has a Charlie Haas-back-in-OVW kind of vibe to him. Good muscle development, some skills…hey, sign the guy to a developmental deal if you haven’t already, WWE. If you can get mileage out of someone as vanilla as Haas, surely you can do something with Deano.
The only screen cap of Dean Fisk you will ever see
The only screen cap of Dean Fisk being punched in the mouth you will ever see
John Cena over Carly Colon, US Title Match (Pinfall, F-U, New US Champ): A nothing match for a main event, don’t you think? Doesn’t make up for the subsidiary belt not being defended on PPV at SurSer (the tag belts are more understandable, but the fact that this strap and the Raw Tag Title changed hands on their respective shows this week doesn’t make up for the non-appearance on PPV). This one sucked, true, but Cena’s got the strap again and seems to be reenergized after his filming…uh, stabbing. So we may be in for better from these two, specifically at Armageddon. By the way, nice of Jesus to attack both kidneys to disguise which one was supposed to have been knifed.
Cena introduces Carly to the ring apron
Cena starting off the F-U
Angle Developments:
The Fruits of Victory, or the Victory of Fruits: Bradshaw’s victory speech made use of one of the best hidden techniques to gather heel heat that I’d ever think of: drop Michael Jordan’s name in Ohio. No matter how much they might make you think that they’re all LeBroniacs and that a new dawn has emerged, let me assure you that they all remember The Shots and will loathe themselves for being Cavs fans until their deaths for those moments. And let me also assure you that we Chicagoans will keep reminding them of that fact. Cleveland sucks for being Cleveland, and Dayton sucks for having given us the Gooney Bird. And don’t, repeat, DON’T, get me started on Canton. You longtimers went through that with me once. No need to inflict that on the newbies.
Bradshaw and Jordan do some ego-massaging
Well, I was going to do Impact this week, except that the TV in the cafeteria at work was tuned to Fox Sports Net, and when I went in there to grab a Coke, I saw Scott Levy and Marc Mero tilting. My stomach isn’t capable of handling that, so I’m not going to bother watching it. Until next Tuesday, grab a cold one and sink it down.
