If I learned one thing from this week’s episode of The Apprentice, it’s that the ass is the most important element of any business transaction. And clearly, if one doesn’t focus enough on the rear, they’ll feel a sharp kick in that very area when faced with the judgment of the Donald. Of course, I’m not sure how much stock I set on the opinion of someone who can’t even get his verb tenses straight (“From the time I’m two years old, I’m wearing Levi’s.”) and incessantly talks about his girlfriend’s butt at a business meeting. Not that Melania doesn’t have a conversation-worthy derriere, it’s just that there were more important issues on the agenda, such as Wes’s spinelessness and Maria’s shrill, obnoxious conduct on the Levi’s task.
Where do I even begin? From the moment they were assigned the task of developing a catalogue for Levi’s, Mosaic was a disaster. Despite the fact that Wes was the appointed leader for the team, Maria stepped in and started running things as if she were PM. Her conduct at the photo shoot (instructing the models to, “Give me bitchy or give me death,” and telling Wes to “back off”) reeked of previous Stacie J. outbursts. I’m sure the show’s former Psycho Queen was delighted to relinquish her crown to Maria and took great delight in watching her get canned this week.
On the other hand, Maria did show a more vulnerable, human side after her fight with Sandy. I was impressed that she even went as far as apologizing and asking for forgiveness, an act that one seldom sees on this brutal show. And she cried, which always endears me to any apprentice. I take tears as evidence of a soul, something that exists in a very limited quantity in Trumpland. Anyone who has read my previous columns about The Apprentice knows that I don’t have a business-savvy bone in my body and am more in favor of the touchy-feely moments in life. I do a lot of crying myself (mainly so that I can cut in line at the post office), so when someone has a meltdown on the job, it gives me something to relate to.
I also relate very well to Ivana, who has managed to hang in there despite her tiffs with various players and her so-called “nasty” (as dubbed by El Queso Grande himself) boardroom comments. I think that her observations about Jennifer, particularly her role as the resident fem-bot (complete with Ivana’s hilarious gesture of aiming her breasts at the nearest male target) were dead-on. Jen does a good job when she knows exactly what she’s supposed to do and has a seamless presentation style. If Mr. Trump doesn’t end up hiring her, I think she could enjoy a very fruitful career as one of Bob Barker’s beauties on The Price is Right.
It was unfortunate that Jen received so much praise from the Levi’s bigwigs in front of Trump when it was Ivana’s idea that led Apex’s victory, but Jen was working one of her best assets and it paid off. The Levi’s executives didn’t see the grunt work and behind-the-scenes conversations. In a lot of ways, the business world is much like the restaurant industry, which I know something about having waitressed my way through college. The chefs are back in the kitchen swearing and sweating their buns off to make wonderful food, but it’s the wait staff that hears about how delicious it is. Having a good product is important, but if it’s not served up nicely, the quality could be all for naught.
Fortunately, Apex had quality in spades. Despite Jen’s “more blonde and blonde” behavior (Ivana better cut that crap out in front of Carolyn), the team did a fantastic job of delivering a fun, innovative catalogue to the Levi’s executives. Their decision to use themselves as models had several benefits. First, it saved them the expense of hiring models. Second, they are all photogenic, “real” people (although all are probably a bit more attractive than the norm). Thirdly, the team members were all clear about the general image they were trying to produce, so they pretty much directed themselves while being photographed. And finally, I got to see Kevin shirtless again. Everyone was a winner, really.
Both Maria and Kevin were fairly spastic in their presentation styles. Although I have enjoyed observing Maria over the course of this season, I will not miss her eye-blinking hyperactivity. She has a lot to offer (great cheekbones, a ballsy outlook on life), but her nervous energy is exhausting to watch. And although Kevin was probably a little too caffeinated during Apex’s presentation, the team pulled through because his aggression was tempered by mellow Jen and the great finished product they were bringing to the table.
Although he was once again on the losing team, Andy showed a subtlety this week that may very well carry him to the final two or three in this game. He told Mosaic to wear jeans to the Levi’s presentation, but they didn’t listen to him and everyone paid for it in the end. In the boardroom, he defended Mr. Trump’s accusation of his being too quiet by calling for a need for more listening. The kid is very sharp and I hope that, in the end, everyone realizes that age does not always equal capability and wisdom. Some people are just born competent. I think young Andy is one of them.
And where the hell was George again? Oh, who really cares? He’s never added much to the show. Bill (um, excuse me, Mr. Rancic) is much easier on the eyes, anyway, and even though he’s being “underutilized” on his Chicago building project, according to the Donald, I like seeing him again. As I’ve said before, I’m amazed that George hasn’t been fired. Maybe in the finale?
