Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the American Bar Association. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have spent that extra year in college.
One week you do away with 50 Cent, and the next week you miss your column. Could it be the 50 Curse?
-Jim Ledwell
No.
I did something last week that I am not proud of. I have never missed a scheduled column in the history of The Saturday Swindle Sheet. On the other hand, I have never been so up to my eyeballs in projects and work as I was last week. Had I found the time to type out a column, I probably would have had to sacrifice even more sleep than I did. That said, there is no 50 Curse. That’s cockamamie. I do, however, believe in angels, because I did a lot of acid back in college.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 11 of 16)
Captain Sensible, “Wot”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
That_Bootleg_Guy has references to menudo and stupid Mexicans. This is probably in response to me not having yet posted the final piece for the Eminem Beyond the Encore series. I only hope to have it posted before he goes after mariachis and Jarritos.
Mathan Erhardt made a personal tribute to Ol’ Dirty Bastard in his column this week. He also seems quick to blame Lil’ Jon for my being a no-show last week. This, of course, was a valid assumption, since Lil’ Jon is responsible for everything to ever go wrong, including me getting a plain Whopper the other day after asking for one with NO ONIONS.
Yeah, as a shorty playing in the front yard of the crib, Eric Katz fell down, and he bumped his head. Somebody helped him up and asked him if he bumped his head. He said, “Yeah.” So then they said “Oh so that mean we gon’, you gon’ switch it on em’?” He said, “Yeah, emo… Emo is the greatest.”
D’Estroyer shaved his head last week, and also managed to stave off Fingers as top poster in the staff forums by starting a thread will a poll on whether he should shave his head or not. I told him that he should cut it into a mullet, leave it like that for a week, and see if people treated him differently. He should then write a column about his experience, and combine that column with a featurette on how Machine Head is one of the most awesome bands in the history of the world.
In high school, Gloomchen had an angst-ridden high school run, just like I did. The only thing I liked about high school was graduation… and gym class, because I could get away with inflicting bodily harm on my more popular peers. Then again, you can only pass off throwing a basketball at somebody’s nuts as accidental so many times before the coach gets suspicious…
Gordi Whitelaw‘s column is so good that it has been outlawed in Saudi Arabia, Iran, Bhutan, Malaysia, and several other strict, clerically ruled countries. It also helps in treating mild cases of fungus, as well as scabies, polio, and hat hair.
NEWS TO USE
This week’s top story is in relation to a huge brawl that broke out at the taping of the second annual Vibe Awards last Monday. It all started when Dr. Dre was just offstage getting ready to accept a Vibe Legend Award. According to eyewitnesses, 26-year-old Jimmy James Johnson approached Dr. Dre, asking him to sign an autograph. As the rapper/producer was about to do it, the man punched him in the face. Dre started swinging back at Johnson, and soon several of his bodyguards and various people from his entourage, along with G-Unit’s entourage (including 50 Cent and Lloyd Banks), jumped into the fray. Before long, there were several dozen men involved in a brawl that caused the taping of the show to be halted so that police and security could break it up. Johnson ended up getting stabbed by a man that has now been identified as G-Unit’s Young Buck (né David Darnell Brown), who ended up inflicting a wound that collapsed Johnson’s lung. While Young Buck was not arrested at the time of the altercation, he ended up surrendering to Santa Monica police on Friday to face charges of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. He was booked and released on $500,000 bail. His arraignment is scheduled for December 20th in Los Angeles Superior Court.
The program resumed taping about 15 minutes later, as Dr. Dre finally accepted his award and told the crowd that he wasn’t going to let things like the assault keep him from being active. A day after the incident, Vibe president Kenard Gibbs said, “We are deeply saddened by the incident that occurred last night. It is unfortunate that an event so many people worked very hard to create has been tainted by the actions of a few individuals. The Vibe Awards and Vibe magazine represent the best of urban culture and they will continue to do so. It is a testament to the true vision of the Vibe Awards that the magnificent talent and staff continued on to create a fantastic show.”
Former Navy SEAL Ambrose Kappos will plead guilty to burglary and stalking after being accused of having a “dangerous obsession” with singer Sheryl Crow, and pursuing her for over a year. He was arrested at a Manhattan concert venue in October of 2003 after being sighted standing outside of Crow’s dressing room, and had also tracked down her family and visited them at their home in Missouri back in early 2003 (after having located their home on the Internet). Kappos told Crow’s father that he had a bird had led him to their house, and that that meant that he was destined marry Sheryl Crow and have children. None of the preceding story was fabricated.
Craig Nicholls, lead singer of Australian shag-rock band The Vines, publicly revealed on Friday that he has a neurological disorder known as Asperger Syndrome. Those who suffer from the infirmity experience “autistic-like episodes and severe communication difficulties.” Nicholls was in a Sydney court when he admitted the condition, while facing assault charges for having kicked a paparazzo last May. He then repeatedly started shouting out, “QANTAS NEVER CRASHED!” Boy, am I going to Hell.
Clay Aiken has been forced to cancel the first three scheduled performances of his Joyful Noise tour, after suffering a severe ear and sinus infection. Shows in Pasadena, Phoenix, and El Cajon will have to be rescheduled. Elliot Smilowitz, a correspondent for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, recently caught up with Aiken…
Elliot: Clay Aiken, I’m sure all of your fans would like to know… what do you think about Jude Law?
Aiken: Um, what?
Elliot: You know, the actor. Isn’t he hot?
Aiken: Well, I don’t…
Elliot: Oh, come on. It’s okay to admit it. I mean, you are…
Aiken: I thought you were going to ask me about my new album.
Elliot: What new album? Look shithead, I highly doubt that your new album can be more important than determining once and for all whether or not Jude Law is the hottest man to have ever lived. Didn’t you see the new People magazine? Face it, nobody wants to know about your music. Its only use is for peeling paint off of walls, and we currently don’t have any paint that needs to be removed from anything.
Aiken: What?
Elliot: You heard me.
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Ol’ Dirty Bastard, a.k.a. Dirt McGirt, a.k.a. Big Baby Jesus, a.k.a. Osiris, a.k.a. Ason Unique (né Russell Jones) passed away last Saturday in a recording studio, after collapsing in the 36 Records recording studio in New York. EMTs were called shortly thereafter but could not resuscitate Jones. His funeral took place on Thursday in his hometown of Brooklyn, and brought out hundreds of friends and family, including his Wu-Tang and Rock-A-Fella brethren.
The CD and DVD Store, a New Zealand-based retail chain, has announced that they are not going to display the new Eminem CD, and will only sell it to customers who request it. They will also donate NZ$6 for each album sold to local women’s refuge and suicide prevention organizations, saying that it’s an attempt to “help the victims that suffer from Eminem’s world view.”
Vanilla Ice has claimed that a wallaroo and a goat found straying near his home in Port St. Lucie, Florida, are his, and that they had escaped from his backyard. However, it seems as if the animals will not be returned to him, as the wallaroo (wallaby/kangaroo hybrid) is considered an exotic animal, and those, along with farm animals (like the goat) are illegal to own in that area. Insert joke(s) here.
Gwen Stefani’s solo album is “pointless kitsch.” Britney Spears’ marriage to Kevin Federline is now official. Usher won four American Music Awards. OutKast won three MTV Europe awards. T-Boz and Chilli of TLC will star in a reality show called R U the Girl with T-Boz & Chilli, in which they will audition a number of contestants to join their group. Kanye West and John Mayer will collaborate. There is no God. I f*cking hate Old Navy commercials.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is fellow InsidePulse music contributor Beth Gottfried…
I was taking a bath the other night when I came upon a startling revelation. Usually, when I’m soaking the suds, I take it a notch down, mellow out a bit, and just coast to the vibes. Did I actually just talk like that? At any rate, a few days ago, I decided I was just going to listen to the radio. This can be dangerous, as I like having control over my CD player at all times, much like my TV (and my men). Sometimes, as that night illustrated however you have to throw a bit of caution to the wind, or at the very least, let something else dictate what you listen to. The following is my rundown for that night. It’s a combo of songs that always shock me when I actually come to the realization that I actually do like them, and songs that have a history of making me feel just “Ohm…”
Damien Rice, “Cannonball”
Like many other aspiring crooners that make me weak in the knees, I discovered Irish soulful dish Damien Rice long before everyone else caught on to his delightfully piercing sound. While “Cannonball” is my favorite of his album O, in “The Blower’s Daughter,” Rice sings of “how he can’t take his eyes of [me]” and this makes me know that I have found my soul mate. At the very least, a soul brother.
AC/DC, “You Shook me All NIGHT LONG”
Maybe it’s the closet nympho in me or my ability to knock men out with my “American thighs” or better yet when “I told him to come and he was already there,” but no song in the history of music, delivers sexier lyrics. Well, ok, maybe just the history of 80s music, but still…
Led Zeppelin, “Fool in the Rain”
I just really love this song. can’t explain it. I’m not a stoner, nor have I ever addicted to hallucinogens. In fact, I remember being wholeheartedly shocked when I learned that this song was indeed Led Zeppelin. I even decided that although this association would probably amp my “cool” status, I would take the high road and disassociate for a while. Inevitably, I came back. I always do. Except for when I don’t.
Lauryn Hill, “Doo Wop (That Thing)”
I call this song my feminist song. Why you ask?? Whenever I feel down on the whole Britney Spears/Jessica Simpson Pop take-over of the planet, I think here’s a chic who exuded intelligent sexiness, and had a message. Lauryn makes me feel tough and that I can take over the world. Even from in front of my computer. Empowerment. Remember those days, when “respect was just a minimum” On behalf of all us gals, thanks for “breaking it down.”
Maroon 5, “She Will be Loved”
This song is a cheesy, chic song. I’m addicted. Mostly, at the thought that someone would love me so much that they would “wouldn’t mind standing every day out in the pouring rain” just to prove it.” It’s akin to the line Renee Zellweger delivers in Jerry Maguire, “You had me at hello.”
Keane, “Everybody’s Changing”
Seeing this band of British brothers live back in Beantown in June only solidified my love for them. They are SUPER talented and you cant help but wanna shake your groove thang just a little when you hear this song. Case in point: I’m fairly certain I heard it recently on a Victoria’s Secret commercial for the Heavenly bra line. I’m not sure if there were a whole lot of transformations in the commercial clip, but there were a lot of exposed asses.
Jane’s Addiction, “Jane Says”
There are conflicting theories about the inspiration behind this song. Some say “Jane” was a heroin addict and the song is an ode to her. I’m not entirely sure what others say. It’s one of those topics people sometimes argue about while drunk, kinda like the distinction between dwarves and midgets. Sometimes I just sit at the bar and think of both of these conundrums and I get completely baffled.
Pet Shop Boys, “Suburbia”
80s classic. My older, cooler sister was hooked and by association (again), I became cool just listening to this group. A moon roof, some Pet Shop Boys, and driving to the DQ for an Oreo blizzard. Those were the days…
U2, “So Cruel”
I debated putting U2 on this list. They have such a Pop following. Then I thought better and remembered my place on this website: Pop Princess. Besides, a former good friend of mine once played this song for me when I was complaining about someone I was dating. How was I to know he liked me? We’re always the last ones to know, boys.
Jeff Buckley, “Lilac Wine”
Grace is mind boggling. It’s so f*cking good you forget how young Buckley was when he produced it but it’s hauntingly eerie sound makes you feel closer to the now deceased uber-talented musician. Most romantic song EVER: “Lover you should have come over.” “Last Goodbye” was popularized on the Vanilla Sky soundtrack and has its merits, but give me a little “Lilac Wine” and you’re sure to “come” over and over.
David Gray, “Babylon”
This song is one of those that you forget, but always remember how much you liked it when you revisit it. I love things like that. I need to find more “Babylons.”
Bob Dylan, “Blowin’ in the Wind”
I love Bob Dylan. I was watching a segment on CBS Sunday Morning a few weeks ago and in it they claimed that Dylan was the next Great American Poet of the 20th Century after Robert Frost, if not the best. Alls I have to say to that: “The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, the answer is blowing in the wind.”
John Lennon, “Imagine”
The Beatles set the world on fire with their sound. Well, I take that back The Stones set the world on fire, the Beatles innovated the Rock sound. Regardless, while I find John Lennon a little weird and preachy at times, “Imagine” is a song I get. Wanting the world to be a better place, more peaceful, more understanding, more tolerant is a beautiful idea. If only it were a reality.
The Rolling Stones, “Angie”
I love The Stones and have many a favorite, but “Angie” blows them all away.
Go-Gos, “Our Lips are Sealed”
Go-Gos put all the chic bands of the 90s to shame. They were the original bad asses. It should be noted here (for clarification purposes) “Our Lips Are Sealed” is in fact NOT a Hillary Duff song.
Avril Lavigne, “Nobody’s Fool”
Avril rocks. She’s tough and outspoken and feisty. More to the point, she’s me, a lot younger and more outwardly abrasive. No, I take that back.
Thanks to Beth for participating in was has been announced as the official weekly feature of the country of Lichtenstein. You can send any questions and/or comments in regards to this list to bethgottfried@4sternstaging.com, and check out her recap of the American Music Awards, right here.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Bauhaus, “God in an Alcove”
Local H, “Bound for the Floor”
Snoop Dogg, “Drop It Like It’s Hot” [f/Pharrell Williams]
Propellerheads, “History Repeating” [f/Shirley Bassey]
Handsome Boy Modeling School, “The Truth” f/Roisin Murphy, J-Live]
Face to Face, “Planet of Sound”
Dirty Vegas, “I Should Know”
Ministry, “Thieves”
Skinny Puppy, “Glass Houses”
Beborn Beton, “Another World”
Underworld, “Twist”
G. Love and Special Sauce, “The Things I Used to Do”
Prince, “Darling Nikki”
Chakachas, “Jungle Fever”
Breakbeat Era, “Ultra-Obscene”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
English church officials are up in arms after members of rockabilly-punk band The Damned was chosen to switch on Christmas lights at Cambridge’s Guildhall this Sunday. The city council said that it had chosen David Vanian and Captain Sensible because the lighting ceremony had coincided with the band being in Cambridge for a scheduled concert. Many church leaders have lashed out against the decision to involve, specifically citing their song, “Anti-Pope.” One reverend said that it was “not appropriate for Christmas,” while another said, “We should not give a major function over to a group that goes out of its way to deny what Christmas is about.” A spokesperson for the band told reporters that it was ridiculous to criticize them “for something as trivial as turning on Christmas lights.”
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and heaven knows I’m miserable now.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
