The SmarK RAW Rant – November 22, 2004
– Live from Buffalo, NY.
– Your hosts are JR & King.
– We start with a weird segment that sees Trish tying to seduce Shelton Benjamin, but Vince interrupts and gives a speech about the moral fiber of the nation or something. Since I don’t pay attention to the NFL outside of the Super Bowl, I have no idea what it’s referring to. Don’t e-mail me, I don’t care. I’ll just assume it’s another lame attempt at cultural relevance and then move on.
– What I DO care about is that Chris Benoit is running the show tonight, so it’s all about the WRESTLING. And he books himself in a cage match against HHH for the title. And away we go”¦
– Gene Snitsky v. Maven. Gene now has a hometown, but that doesn’t save him from Maven’s wrath, as he attacks to start. Snitsky beats him down, however, and then sandwiches his head between the post and a knee. Don’t see that too often. Back in, an elbowdrop gets two. Back to the post, but a running knee misses and he hits the post. Maven comes back with the Russian legsweep and goes up with a high cross, but Snitsky shrugs him off. Maven gets a bulldog for two. Snitsky has had ENOUGH, and boots him down like a baby, then finishes with the COAT HANGER at 4:10. They looked greener than Kermit out there. 1/2*
– Meanwhile, Batista has HHH’s back tonight, but he’s not convinced. Tensions run high. Maybe it’s because of HHH’s Hanson hair tonight.
– Back in the ring, Stacy shoots shirts at the crowd and shills the ECW DVD, but Simon Dean interrupts. This brings out Hurricane for a quick brawl, which Dean wins with a weightlifting belt, but Rosey saves. Might as well stick all the heat-sucking lamers in the same segment.
– Meanwhile, a couple of chicks talk backstage, but Batista bursts into the shot, and he’s PISSED. Orton should totally give him the title shot for his week as GM. I have to wonder, however, why the cameraman was shooting the girls in the first place.
– Batista v. Chris Jericho. Batista runs into an elbow in the corner to start, but powers Jericho into the turnbuckles and blocks a crossbody. Jericho charges and runs into a boot, so Batista starts dropping knees on his face and chokes away. Jericho finally dropkicks the knee to stop him, and gets the springboard dropkick to knock him off the apron. He follows with a pescado and they head back in, as Jericho comes in with a high cross for two. Batista comes back with the sideslam, however, and tries the powerbomb, but Jericho rolls him up for two. Batista puts him down with the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER and hangs him in the Tree of Woe, and choking follows. It’s a DQ at 3:22, in fact, as a referee actually disqualifies someone at 5 for once. Thrilling. 3/4*
– Meanwhile, Edge takes a backstage poll of who thinks he should be World champion, and beats a guy up over it until Benoit steps in.
– The Coach v. JR. Whoops, another misunderstanding, as “JR” was apparently interpreted by Benoit to be “Just Rhyno”. Well, that’s a bit more believable than last week.
– Coach v. Rhyno. Coach actually goes on offense, but gets GOARED for the pin at 0:25. Yup.
– Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Molly Holly v. Lita. Trish talks Molly into attacking Lita, and they start double-teaming, but Lita clotheslines them down. How sad is it that the entire division is comprised of these three, more or less? Lita clotheslines them in the corner and suplexes Trish, but Molly takes her down again and stomps away. Trish gets a clothesline off the middle rope and they keep beating her down, but Trish double-crosses Molly and rolls her up for two. Lita then makes the comeback and pounds on Trish in the corner, and then sends her into the mat, but Molly dumps her. Molly goes up with the Molly Go Round on Trish, but Lita saves at two. Lita gets a headscissors and a DDT for two, but Trish saves THAT pin, and then pins Molly at 4:24 to retain. That’s one devastating DDT. Kind of a mess, but at least it’s not Stacy. *
– Meanwhile, Flair tries to talk sense into Batista.
– Shelton Benjamin & Eugene & William Regal v. Christian & La Resistance. Regal starts with Conway and gets overpowered, and Grenier comes in and gets taken down. Into the face corner, where Eugene grabs a headlock and fights off the heels before becoming YOUR retard-in-peril. Grenier gets a kneedrop for two. Christian stomps him down and chokes him out. Conway gets two. Eugene fights Conway off with headbutts and brings Benjamin in, which I guess was the hot tag. He faceplants Christian and hits Grenier with a Blinger splash and flying clothesline for two. He dumps Christian onto Tomko, but La Rez hits him with a Hart Attack and it’s BONZO GONZO. The champs are left with Conway, and Eugene gets a stunner into Benjamin’s exploder for the pin at 4:05. This wasn’t much of a match. 3/4*
– Benoit comes to the ring for his title shot, but HHH isn’t there, because he’s been attacked by a mysterious assailant. Maybe it was the same guy who attacked Edge. Flair claims it was Batista. Yeah, I’m sure. So Benoit goes back to take care of business, and declares that if HHH is too injured, he’ll wrestle Edge in the cage instead. And here I thought Benoit of all people would be above bait-and-switch after they hyped a main event for 90 minutes. My faith in humanity is gone.
– Cage match: Chris Benoit v. Edge. Benoit tosses Edge into the cage and chops him down to start, then works him over in the corner with some more chops. Edge comes back with a suplex and tries to climb, but Benoit brings him down and gets a backdrop suplex, then climbs. Edge brings him down by hammering on him, but gets rammed into the cage for his troubles. Benoit baseball slides him into the cage, but Edge grabs the arm and starts working it. Benoit comes back with a catapult into a rollup for two, then clotheslines Edge down again. Back up again, but Edge brings him down again and hangs him in the Tree of Woe. Benoit escapes, but they collide and everyone’s out. The crowd is just gone for this, perhaps because it’s not the main event promised for the entire show. We take a break. Back with Benoit getting sent into the cage and doing some bleeding, and Edge works the cut over. Edge slugs him down as the slow pace continues, and he climbs again, but Benoit yanks him down and starts throwing the germans. Five of them seems to be pushing it, especially for two people with spinal problems and one guy who gets injured for six months at a time. Benoit heads back up again and gets over the top, but Edge grabs an ankle and brings him down to the top rope again. Benoit headbutts him down and follows with the diving headbutt, which gets two. Crossface follows, but Edge rolls to the ropes. So? Benoit voluntarily breaks, but charges and hits the cage, and Edge gives him the baseball slide right back. They slug it out by the door, but Chris slams it in his face, so an enraged Edge spears him”¦right through the door. Whoops. Benoit wins at 15:34. Now that’s some smarts from Benoit, who made sure to position himself so as to take advantage of Edge’s temper problems. Nice finish, dull match, and certainly not good enough to make people forget that they were promised Benoit v. HHH. **1/2
– Meanwhile, Batista has a CHALLENGE for HHH. Next!
– Main event interview: Batista calls out HHH, who has miraculously recovered from his concussion enough to answer the challenge. The crowd is into Batista and the confrontation, but they immediately swerve us and reveal it was all a diabolical plot. And then talk about it for 10 minutes until Randy Orton interrupts to inform them that he’s the GM next week. HHH’s mock fear is pretty funny. Orton announces the main event next week will be a battle royale for the title, so I guess that means HHH gets to put himself over the entire roster in one shot. Well, might as well get it over with.
The Inside Pulse:
What a lame show. Never mind that the main event ended up being HHH talking, the whole show ended up being a bunch of throwaway 3 minute matches and even more disturbingly, extremely forced opportunities for the generic Diva search losers to get screen time despite having nothing to say or do.
Next week: More HHH! Yay!
