Maybe I’ve been mixing my drinks a little too stiffly lately when I watch Survivor, but this week’s show confused the hell out of me. I have a number of unanswered questions that I’m hoping readers (or at least future episodes) can clear up:
1. Scout, do you have tattooed eyeliner or was it your luxury item?
2. Julie and Eliza (a.k.a. the sacrificial lambs), why did you strip down to get scraped up in the sand?
3. Don’t you think the Vanuatu natives were offended when you didn’t take your gift pig home?
4. Chad, are you embarrassed that you couldn’t hold your kava?
5. Chris, when you talked about showing women your vulnerable side, you said, “That’s when they open up that back door.” Did I take that the wrong way?
6. Leann, when Scout and company talked about voting out Eliza, why were you so quiet? Are you in love with her? Did you and Julie break up?
7. Twila, you were so hardcore at the immunity challenge. Are you one of those people who can tow an 18-wheeler with your teeth, too?
8. Ami, why are you paranoid about the guys winning immunity? A male victory has only occurred once and let me offer you a few reminders: Kelly Wiglesworth, Jenna Morasca, and Darrah Johnson. Three incredible examples of estrogen-charged, talisman-wearing ass kickers. What are you so damn scared of?
9. Twila, when you said, “I just don’t like the bitch,” were you referring to Ami, Scout, Eliza, or Chad?
10. At tribal council, Twila admitted that she didn’t trust anyone in the game and Ami got all defensive, declaring that she has people she trusts who also trust her. Um, what game are you playing, chica?
Ami is so yucky. I haven’t disliked a player this much since Robb Zbacnik whined his way through six painful episodes in Thailand. When other survivors approach her with normal requests (Lisa: “Hey, let’s show the guys how we open coconuts.” or Twila: “Who are you voting for?”), she gets all weird and nasty about it. The fact that she’d rather keep Eliza around than Chad is further proof that she has no taste. But by far the most disgusting thing about Ami is her little fan club of Leann, Julie, and Eliza. I would have thought that at least the cerebral “little one” (to use Scout’s term of affection/condescension), would be sharp enough to see that Ami’s a smug, sexist, latte-brewing fool. She has all the charm of that rubbery meat the Vanuatu natives served up at the reward feast.
Scout must have been gravely disappointed with the results of the last tribal council. Not only is Eliza still around, but Scout is probably keenly aware that her own days are numbered. Ami won’t tolerate dissention in the ranks. I’d say that Chris is the next to go (which pisses me off because he’s very entertaining), then Scout. I really can’t wait to see what happens when it gets down to the final four and the final tribal council. If Ami is one of the final two, I predict she’ll be eaten alive. Of course, I’ve never been a good predictor and have never billed myself as such. Sure, I throw out the occasional guess or two, but I’m not a spoiler or master strategy analyst. But I know a bitch when I see one and boy, do I see one. As the old saying goes, it takes one to know one.
If that’s true, then Chris better be one punk-ass you-know-what to stay in the game. Unfortunately, I think that all hope is lost for the man, especially if the next immunity challenge involves color coordination, basket weaving, or tight rope walking. The gender war of Vanuatu is really causing me to lose faith in the complexity of this game. A player like Chris is basically wasted here when outnumbered by a bunch of male-hating Yasur groupies. Imagine if he would have teamed up with (or again) the likes of Rob Cesternino, Brian Heidik, or Richard Hatch. I certainly hope Burnett will consider him for All-Stars II.
