Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by Butterball turkey. Turkey is great stuff. If it weren’t for turkey, I probably never would have spent that extra year in college.
Thanksgiving was pretty good, save for the Bears’ implosion against the Cowboys. I ate way too much food, and then I was able to get a good chunk of this column knocked out. Something that I’ve been pretty lax with as of late.
ajcameron13 (9:15:47 PM): If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were shooting for a Saturday posting of the Saturday Swindle Sheet…
EmergncyAirlines (9:15:59 PM): it’s SO going to happen
ajcameron13 (9:16:42 PM): America wants it…save for Kentucky (lousy commonwealth)
EmergncyAirlines (9:17:43 PM): I usually have too much shit going on at this time of the week, but today I was fueled by the power of copious amounts of gravy
ajcameron13 (9:18:42 PM): Its use as a motivational tool is highly under utilized…
ajcameron13 (9:19:13 PM): It’s the Tony Robbins of fatty meat droppings mixed with flour and seasonings…
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 12 of 16)
Pet Shop Boys, “West End Girls”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Despite proclaiming that he would take this week off after eating an entire turkey in one sitting, That_Bootleg_Guy decided to swerve us all and, along with his comrade Nick Salemi, do a special riposte to Entertainment Weekly‘s “25 Greatest Rap Albums of All Time.” Neither mentioned Common Sense’s “Resurrection,” so as a result I have decided to boycott all French products. I will also take a cheese grater to my fleur-de-lis tattoo. The French will probably end up surrendering after hearing about this. Good.
D’Estroyer (w/kung-fu shaved head) absolutely loves the new Sparta album. He has also fallen behind Fingers in the top poster position on the staff forums. HIM is a decent band that doesn’t suck. Meanwhile, Eric Katz thinks Sparta is owned by The Mars Volta, which is owned by At the Drive-In. I agree with everybody that The Mars Volta are way too indie for their own good. They should cut their hair, start wearing Mossimo shirts, and have Fatboy Slim do a remix of one of their most obscure songs and feature it as a single. Actually, that would be horrendous. Read Katz’s column (which is quite possibly one of his best) about hardcore dancers. Then, punch your dad in the gut and say that it’s all about the music.
Gloomchen has launched a brand new format, and has also made probable enemies out of both Widro and Elliot Smilowitz by calling Breaking Benjamin “crap” (which it is… sorry, Widro), and admitting that she doesn’t know who Jude Law is, respectively. However, she has gained a powerful ally in me by talking about EBM (with shout-outs to Covenant, VNV Nation, and even Sk’uppy), and also mentioning Joy Division and The Sisters of Mercy. Believe me, having me as your ally is awesome, and I will always support you, even if you decide to invade some country in an attempt to uncover weapons of mass destruction.
Coup d’etat
If everyone agrees that you completely suck as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a coup d’etat. A new King may be Crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, One, Two, Three Rule applies.
-Part of a f*cking brilliant Burger King ad in Maxim‘s December 2004 issue
Gordi is still the king, and will remain so until he stops writing.
Go read all of the reviews. Fingers would like it if you did. I am too lazy to link them all.
NEWS TO USE
On Wednesday night, burglars broke into Ozzy Osbourne’s home just outside of London, and managed to make off with his wife’s wedding ring, along with a significant amount of her jewelry. The couple was apparently sleeping but was awoken by the sound of the burglars breaking into the house. Despite the fact that Ozzy caught one of the guys for a brief moment and even dangled him out of a window 30 feet above the ground, he was still able to wriggle free and jump to the ground with over $3.6 million worth of jewelry. Ozzy told reporters for The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “I am so angry I just don’t know what to do. I am beefing up my security, but I am thinking of burning everything they touched and just starting again. I can’t bear that they came into our home and violated it, that they touched our private things, and took away the things that meant the most to my wife. When I dangled the guy out of my window, one of his dreadlocks tore off in my hand. I managed to get in touch with a police sketch artist and we were able to put together this composite of the scoundrel.”
Ludacris has announced that he has cut off all ties with his former (shitty little) protégé, Chingy, after he went and told XXL magazine that he and his former crew, Disturbing Tha Peace, had had several monetary issues before he left the group over the summer. As far as Disturbing Tha Peace is concerned, “This is the first time we hear about his accusations, in a tabloid or through different media outlets, so all respect is lost,” Ludacris said Thursday, alongside Chaka Zulu, co-owner of the imprint. “He keeps saying it’s cool. It’s not cool. … It’s completely over. … We have no respect for this individual, basically.” Chaka Zulu said that the “monetary disputes” that Chingy speaks of never escalated to anything more than the rapper asking to see the company’s financial records a few different occasions, after which time his lawyers and accountants finally assured him that everything was kosher. In one instance, Chingy blindly stared at a single document for over 20 minutes, before pointing out something on the page, and saying, “What the f*ck is this?” Zulu, confused, said, “What, this here?” Chingy replied, “Yeah, what the f*ck is this supposed to be?” Zulu said, “Chingy, that’s the number 4. It comes after 3 and before 5.” Chingy then stared at the page for another 15 minutes before asking the same exact question again, repeating the process for over 3 hours before drinking an entire bottle of Cristal and passing out on the floor.
This week Liam Gallagher was cleared of assault charges from back in 2002, when he reportedly kicked a police officer after having caused a ruckus at a bar in Munich. Prosecutors’ dropping the charges was contingent on Gallagher paying a $65,200 fine. During the altercation, Gallagher claims that he suffered some major dental damage previous to his assault on the officer. The officer who was kicked by Gallagher told reporters from The Saturday Swindle Sheet, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, “I can understand why Shane MacGowan kicked me. He’s been out of work for a while, and he’s probably just really salty about that. I know I would be.”
Black Rob, a member of The Sycophantic Shithead’s Bad Boy Family, was arrested last Monday at New York’s On the Ave Hotel after being caught leaving a room with a pocketbook and other property that he had reportedly stolen. Renu Vermani, the woman who reported $6000 in jewelry to be missing, was sleeping at the time of the robbery. The rapper (whose real name is Robert Ross) was charged (along with an accomplice) with burglary and criminal possession of stolen property. While this is a pertinent news item, I think the real story here is that Black Rob’s real name is Bob Ross, a name shared by this man. That’s GOLD!
Henry Rollins is set to host his own film-related talk show, Henry’s Film Corner, which will air on every first Saturday of the month, debuting December 4th on the Independent Film Channel (IFC). According to Rollins, “Everyone hates a critic, but everyone is a critic, so why not me? … I’m no expert on film. I’m no columnist. I’m a guy who likes a good movie and I’m sick and tired of walking out of a theater, being CGI’d to death. So if you wanna find out about some films you should see, this is the show for you.”
British pop star Robbie Williams recently told reporters that he has slept with four of the five Spice Girls. While he’s known for having dated Geri Halliwell and Melanie Chisholm, he would not reveal which other two he’s been with. He bragged, “I’ve only got one left to have had all of the Spice Girls.” According to an industry insider, “If he’s saying he’s slept with four of the girls it means he either got it on with his best friend Max Beesley’s partner, or Victoria or Emma. Either way, I have no idea why Jeff Fernandez is reporting this story. Maybe it has to do with all the turkey he had for Thanksgiving, and how it made him lazier than usual.”
BITS ‘N’ PIECES
Marilyn Manson gave a guest lecture for an Art and Society class at Temple University this past Monday. The artist discussed topics including the obligatory religion, politics, and art, opening up the dissertation by asking the students if he was able to share a bottle of absinthe with them, getting no response until saying that it tastes like “really strong Jägermeister.”
Bret Michaels, the former singer of Poison, is asking for help to recover a guitar that was stolen near the end of his concert at a bar in Valparaiso, Indiana, a couple of weeks back. As indicated on the singer’s website, “[the] guitar has a lot of sentimental value to Bret and we just want to get it back.” They are offering a reward to any information leading to the recovery of the guitar, pictured below.
American Idol 2 winner Ruben Studdard was hospitalized in Birmingham Alabama last Monday to be treated for exhaustion. The singer had been promoting his second album, I Need an Angel for the past week, and was consequently forced to cancel promotional appearances in Atlantic City and at Alabama State University.
Quick Bits: Fat Joe recently announced that his old group, D.I.T.C., will release a new album sometime next year. The Billboard Fake Music Awards will take place December 8th in Las Vegas. Henry Rollins will participate in his fourth USO tour, performing stand-up in Afghanistan from December 10th to the 18th. Everyone’s Favorite Guy has described Limp Bizkit’s upcoming album as “so f*cking heavy it hurts.” I describe it as “bound to be a steaming pile of shit.”
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is Sarah Quigley, of InsidePulse’s TV section…
I think my age (albeit a mere 28 years) is starting to show. When I was a teenager and avid Sassy magazine reader in the thick of the grunge movement (and an obligatory Pink Floyd phase), I bought an album by a new artist at least once a month. Blur, Mary’s Danish, and The Lemonheads were all at the top of my cassette pile. By college, my musical preferences were fairly solidified and I tended to pick up the latest releases from R.E.M., Sarah McLachlan, and Liz Phair. Now, six years post-college, I have settled into a comfortable rotation of old favorites, plus some healthy doses of The Clash, Ramones, and Tom Waits, thanks to my husband.
This list strongly reflects my past addictions, the songs I keep returning to when I’m stressed out and in need of reassurance. Mixed in are a few nods to some newer interests. The thread that runs through this list is one of contemplation. While I often numb my worries with a marathon viewing of reality TV, music is a tool of reflection for me. While some of the themes on this list may run toward the down side, they leave me peaceful and calm at the end of a long day.
Blind Melon, “Sleepyhouse”
Although lead singer Shannon Hoon went six feet under some time ago, I can’t bring myself to relegate this band’s debut album to the scrap pile. Although the boppy acoustic track “No Rain” made this group a one-hit wonder, I am more partial to this B-side, with its groovy beat and laid-back lyrics. Particularly salient to my life is the thought that, “The mistakes that I’ve made/No they don’t seem to bother me/I sure as hell don’t feel like/I missed any kind of train.” This song serves as a gentle reminder that it’s OK to slow down, even underachieve a bit, something that I tend to forget.
Tom Waits, “Clap Hands”
There’s something about the combination of Tom’s grainy voice and clinking xylophones that leads me to pour a little Tanqueray on the rocks and stop taking myself so damn seriously. This song allows me to peek into a world much darker than my own, where the rain never stops and “you can always find a millionaire to shovel all the coal.” I’m not exactly sure what that’s supposed to mean, but it sounds cool, just like everything else about the mysterious Mr. Waits. He reminds me that the world is fraught with bigger problems than a pile of unpaid bills and an empty milk carton.
Tori Amos, “Liquid Diamonds”
I fell in love with Tori back when I was a junior in high school, when I was in need of some big-sister guidance from a woman whose lyrics still actually made sense. I wore out my cassette copy of Little Earthquakes and devoured Under the Pink before finally getting to see her perform in the summer of 1994. She was able to hold my attention through Boys for Pele and From the Choirgirl Hotel, but after that, I started to lose interest. This song represents Tori teetering on the edge of the deep end, with its transitions from percussion-heavy sections to piano-peppered interludes and her ever-present breathiness. Although her message is a bit muddled, I love Tori’s images of “a lilac mess in your prom dress” and “calling for my soul at the corners of the world.”
Morphine, “In Spite of Me”
This song is a departure from Morphine’s inimitable combination of saxophone and upright bass, with its bouncing mandolins and acoustic guitars. The song mourns a past love, a man whipping himself for hurting the woman he lost. From the first nostalgic line, “Last night I told a stranger all about you,” I begin to hear the voice of my own ex-love, finally apologizing for the ways he did me wrong. I offer up a huge posthumous thanks to Mark Sandman and company for putting into gorgeous words and music the plea for forgiveness that I always longed to hear from another.
Liz Phair, “H.W.C.”
Liz offers up the other side of the romantic coin, my absolute favorite track off her latest self-titled album. “H.W.C.” (which stands for “hot white cum”) is a lusty anthem to the joys of carnality that never fails to put me in a good mood. As she proudly proclaims to her lover, “Baby, you’re the best magazine advice,” I find myself heading for the bedroom. My husband and I had the pleasure of seeing her perform in San Francisco earlier this year and she ended her encore set with this tune, demurely telling the audience, “It’s always good to end with a little sauce.” Truer words were never spoken.
Bettie Serveert, “Silent Spring”
My brief obsession with this Dutch band occurred when I was a freshman in college. This song provided a perfect accompaniment to my sorry state of existence as I sat on my bed, studying Russian verbs and taking in a whiff of incense as the rain pounded outside. As the first lonely chords of this song flare up, I’m suddenly back in my dorm room, furious with my boyfriend for calling me a pseudo-intellect and hungry for my mother’s pot roast. I’m walking from the library to the dining hall, bewildered by this new world I’ve stumbled into and Carol Van Dijk’s throaty voice is serenading me on my young, angst-filled journey.
Urge Overkill, “Heaven 90210”
This band holds a special place in my heart, as its co-frontman with Nash Kato, King Roeser, hails from my tiny hometown of Litchfield, Minnesota. Urge has long been revered by the alternateens of Litchfield and beyond, a fever that flared anew this year as the band went on tour for the first time in nine years. This particular song, the final track off 1993’s “Saturation,” is one of their finest efforts. The song speaks of love and comfort, such as when Nash sings, “When she comes to me and takes my hand/When pain is all I know/She gives me heavenly thrills 90210.” Whether he’s indulging in a Shannen Dougherty fantasy or just paying tribute to an orally skilled lady friend, I’ll never know. But I do know that this song always makes me smile.
Mary’s Danish, “Hellflower”
If I could go back and tell off all those clowns who made my adolescence so difficult, I wouldn’t say a thing. Instead, I’d play them this song, a gem among many from the Circa album. Although I stand 5’10”, my sensitivity and tendency to take slights personally makes me feel rather petite at times. This song offers the promise of empowerment: “I used to lie in a bed of snakes and snares/I may look small, but I’d kick a hole right through you.” Whenever I find myself swallowing a few more lumps than I probably should, I listen to this song, which fills me with the resolve to go in a kick a little ass the next time someone mistreats me.
Jack Johnson, “Wasting Time”
The doo-wop simplicity of this song is very appealing to me. Johnson delivers the basic message that, “Nobody knows anything about themselves — cause they’re all worried about everybody else.” After a hard day, I’m often rehashing the stupid things I said to people and assuming that they hate my guts because of it. This song is a cocktail for my soul, encouraging me to just kick back and stop fretting because my coworkers have probably gone home to beat themselves up over their own misdeeds.
Beck, “Guess I’m Doing Fine”
This song is from Beck’s latest album, Sea Change, which is a drastic departure from his heyday as the rapping poster boy for losers. Beck has clearly mellowed with age and his gently surfing melodies reflect that transition. And this track in particular, with its subtle country twang, wistful harmonica, and lilting piano, proves that the man can actually sing, too. Although the message is melancholy, as Beck contemplates “yellow roses in the graveyard/got no time to watch them grow,” he’s minimizing his pain. Facing the enormity of his sadness would be too overwhelming, a concept that I wholeheartedly relate to. This song doesn’t exactly brew up a potion for mental health, but it allows me to steep in my natural tendency to feign contentment until I’m ready to face my demons.
Crowded House, “Distant Sun”
Deciphering cryptic lyrics has never been more forte. I’m not sure that I fully comprehend Crowded House’s intergalactic message here, but I adore their turns of phrase, particularly the refrain that “dust from a distant sun will shower over everyone” and the idea that “seven worlds will collide.” And for as contemplative as this beautiful song is, every time I hear it, all I want to do is make out. That can’t be a bad thing, can it?
Soul Coughing, “True Dreams of Wichita”
Why, oh why, did this brilliant band have to break up? My husband introduced me to their original sound when we started dating in college and we were lucky enough to catch them in concert in 1998. I’m a huge fan of their faster, more venomous tracks, but there’s something about the haunting, naked bass of this song that makes it a favorite. Frontman M. Doughty’s academic enunciation and factual poeticism are a welcome treat for my savage nerves and appreciation of word play. When he says, “I’ve seen the Kansas of your sweet little myth,” I feel exposed for the small-town Midwestern girl that I am at heart and for once, that identity doesn’t make me feel like Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island.
Prince, “Pink Cashmere”
Being a Minnesota native, I’ve loved Prince for as long as I can remember. I’m sure that this rabid fandom was influenced by my musician father, who blasted “1999” and “Purple Rain” into my young ears as we played with Legos on the living room floor. Typically, I reach for some Prince when I feel like getting my dance on (“Gett Off”, anyone?), but this is the song I turn to when it’s time to put my feet up. Prince’s promise to make me “a coat of pink cashmere” makes me feel princessy, like the daddy’s girl I never was. After listening to this song, I’m always tempted to climb into a bubble bath with a glass of champagne and raise a toast to His Royal Purpleness, wherever (and under whatever moniker) he may aspire to now.
Many thanks to Sarah Quigley for taking part in The Late Night Jukebox, which will debut the NYSE this upcoming Monday, under the abbreviation of LNJX. You can send any feedback for this segment to Sarah, at squigley@4sternstaging.com, and be sure to check out her latest edition of Riding Coattails, right here.
FROM THE LABELS
The lovely Aisha Bell from EMI Music Marketing has a list of upcoming releases from Capitol Records…
11/30/04
Dirty Vegas One (63743-2 / LP 66846-1)
12/21/04
Chingy “Balla Baby Remix” retail 12″ (76659-1)
Houston “Ain’t Nothing Wrong” retail 12″ (76323-1)
1/11/05
Coach Carter Soundtrack (63164-2/1)
1/25/04
2005 Grammy Nominees (60944-2)
2/1/05
Tina Turner All The Best (63536-2)
(targeting All The Best DVD on this date too)
Kylie Minogue Ultimate Kylie
Kylie Minogue Ultimate Kylie DVD
2/8/04
Paul McCartney Love Songs
2/15/05
The Music Welcome To The North CD/DVD new packaging
3/1/05
Beastie Boys DVD
Doves Some Cities
3/15/05
Fischerspooner Odyssey
Lisa Marie Presley
3/29/05
Faith Evans
Aslyn Lemon Love (81019-2)
Coldplay
Chingy DVD
4/5/05
Lisa Marie Presley
5/10/05
Red Café
Marjorie Fair
Some stuff from Underground, Inc…
Underground Inc. Web Store:
20% off everything in our web store!
Simply enter STOREWIDE20 into the coupon box for 20% off everything including the Pigface Hoodie, Invisible Bomber Jacket, and more.
Plus we?re still giving away free Psychic TV “Ultrahouse: The 12″ Mixes” CD with every order and Pigface “Truth Will Out” CD when you buy the Truth Will Out T-Shirt.
Ebay:
Rare Reflex Magazine with Killing Joke/Violent Femmes split flexi 7″
Martin Atkins Drum Track and Remix auctions
Signed Genesis P. Orridge “Thee Fractured Garden” CD
Bile is heading out on tour with Mushroomhead in December. Check out the dates here: http://www.invisiblerecords.com/tourmain.htm
Keep an eye out for a North American Attrition tour as well.
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Jigmastas, “Across the Globe”
The Cure, “Jumping Someone Else’s Train”
Björk, “Army of Me”
Erasure, “Chains of Love”
El Chicano, “Viva Tirado”
The B-52s, “Private Idaho”
Incubus, “Vitamin”
Souls of Mischief, “’93 Til Infinity”
Led Zeppelin, “Over the Hills and Far Away”
Stabbing Westward, “Save Yourself”
The Clipse, “When the Last Time” [f/Pharrell Williams]
Jamiroquai, “Love Foolosophy”
Bush, “Everything Zen”
Eagles, “Life in the Fast Lane”
The Cars, “Moving in Stereo”
Goldie, “Manslaughter”
Depeche Mode, “Photographic”
The Cramps, “Goo Goo Muck”
Truth Hurts, “Addictive” [f/Rakim]
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
The U.S. Public Interest Research Group recently released its annual “Trouble in Toyland” list, which points out a number of toys and other children’s merchandise that poses a threat to the safety of children. Appearing on said list was the Hilary Duff Twinkle Toes Pedicure set, which includes nail polish that reportedly contains a compound known as xylene. The compound is not only highly flammable, but it has also been shown to cause headache, dizziness, confusion, stomach discomfort, and when exposed in high concentration, can even cause unconsciousness and/or death.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I’m back in the saddle again.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
