The kid is gone. I’m so depressed about this. And even more than that, I’m angry at George and the Pepsi Corporation for stating that geography isn’t cool. Hello? What could be cooler than learning about exotic lands and then traveling to see them? I have done a bit of traveling myself and every time I prepare to go on a trip (the most recent one was to Japan), everyone always says, “Wow, that’s so cool.” Of course it is! It rules. Learning about the world is fun. Whoever says it isn’t is a total nosebleed.
Although I don’t approve of the nerdy image this show is cultivating for the study of our world and its myriad fascinating destinations, I do acknowledge that Andy really screwed up this task. As he handed cash to the designers to get them to work harder, I wondered if I was actually watching a Sopranos rerun or something. But as a person with hypoglycemic tendencies, I was truly horrified when he pushed the designer’s pizzas aside and told them that they could eat after they finished their work. Any employer who denied me access to food when I needed it would be rewarded with a swift kick to the crotch. Andy was lucky to walk away from that late-night session with both balls intact.
Although Andy’s regrets over his blunders are surely numerous, I wonder if he holds any extra remorse for advertising his status as a nationally ranked debating champion. He mentioned it a number of times over the course of his run on the show and Ol’ T-Dog pointed it out on at least one occasion in the boardroom. Arguing one’s case in an organized, civilized environment such as a formal debate is one thing. Sitting in between two Heather wannabes is quite another. Andy never had a chance. He was bitch-slapped so far into the ground, there was no way he could have dug himself back out again. And once again, Trump proved himself to be a total sucker for the Jen-bot. I really think he wants to do her.
My favorite moment of the whole show this week was watching Andy talk to Jennifer right after she’d taken a shower. With a towel on her head and no make-up, the woman was virtually unrecognizable. The transforming effects of hair bleach and eyeliner are amazing. Even I start to resemble Ava Gardner with enough kohl and red lipstick. Being a hottie isn’t as hard as everyone thinks.
But being at the mercy of the Donald definitely is. He’s so fickle. One week, he’s praising people for speaking up and defending himself, the next week he’s telling everyone to shut up. When Trump is in a good mood, he closely resembles me on the twenty-seventh day of my cycle. That’s not a compliment.
And just like my beloved Survivor has done so many times in the past (though not this season, as I will point out in my column on Wednesday), The Apprentice is selecting for mediocrity. My favorite remaining player is Ivana, but she has taken so much mierda from Trump and the candidates for speaking her mind that I don’t see her holding up at the end. Jennifer and Sandy have proven that they can be hot-headed and prone to catfights, something that has, so far, not earned the Donald’s respect for anyone. I hesitate to speculate that their looks will hurt them in the end, because Carolyn, whom I actually saw wandering around Borders in New York with her family one day, is a stunning woman and clearly an esteemed employee of Trump’s. And frankly, even though I can get a little catty about the Barbie factor, I would hate to see them penalized for being beautiful. Hell, they’re on national television. Who wouldn’t try to look hot?
I think Ivana is quite striking as well, by the way, but she doesn’t have the prom queen thing going on the way that Sandy and Jen do. I respond much more warmly to that sort of person. It’s a bias I’m willing to admit.
I predict that the last two standing will be Kelly and Kevin, a pair of seemingly nice, level-headed guys who haven’t been especially interesting to watch unless they’ve taken their shirts off. I feel it’s only fair to mention that since I’ve been so thorough in dissecting the physical attributes of the show’s remaining females. Let’s face it: Kevin and Kelly are cute but boring. They’re this season’s Bill and Kwame, who I found practically interchangeable personality-wise (although Kwame showed that he was more of a fool by choosing Omarosa to be on his team for the final task). Do I care who wins? Hell, no.
I’m much more interested in finding out where Andy and Raj went after they filmed that Pepsi commercial. It was broadcast at the end of the show with Raj giving Andy his loser taxi ride. I’d like to think that they pulled over on Fifth Avenue and picked up Robin and Ronna for a night of martinis, steaks, and leather bondage. And, failing that, maybe they made sweet sweat together. Andy looks like the kind of guy who would hold his lover afterwards. I’m sure Raj appreciates that sort of thing.
