Shall I count this as a New Era? The Fifth Decade Of Life Era or something like that? Thanks to everyone who sent me mails on Sunday wishing me a Happy 40th. It wasn’t happy, let me assure you. The only benefit it has is that Widro can now brag that we have writers on this site in their teens, twenties, thirties, and forties. Yippie for him, huh? Thank God I had an appointment with my shrink on Monday so that I could get those wonderful little slips of paper that keep me pilled to the gills. I just have to cash those puppies in today at Wally World and start popping to my rancid little heart’s content.
Ah, what a world we live in, where the retard that will continue to occupy the White House illegitimately can nominate a cereal king as Commerce Secretary, where the Browns and Bengals can score over a c-note in a single game without utilizing overtime, where you can get botulism by injecting yourself with botulinum toxins (gee, who’da thought). And it’s a world where I’m now in my forties, and I haven’t bumped myself off yet. Hey, if I can do it, so can you, so get that shotgun out of your mouth and read away…
THE PIMP SECTION
Fleabag wished me a Happy Birthday with a phone call and a column. Read it as it was intended to be read, and, honestly, I’ll be doing another column there soon.
PK has the Daily Pulse for yesterday. Good stuff.
Achieve B-Show Nirvana with West, Hollyric, and Faria.
Stein has the weekend indy results for you.
Porter breaks down the piss-fight between the English and Zimbabwe cricket federations. It’s a lot more fun than actually watching the game.
Urciuolo has his weekly double.
Trundle covers the roundball that’s played on grass.
Aulbrook is goddamn close to a theft of gimmick lawsuit by discussing both golf and black holes in his column. Don’t risk it, kid.
Morrison says goodbye to Morse, among other things.
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter at 411 (one of the reasons why I decided to leave, honestly). So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a few months now.
(And as I understand it, there are some unscrupulous browser toolbar people trying to advertise here at the Pulse. Well, don’t click on that ad, whatever you do. We’ll still get the money from the impressions, and your system will stay safe.)
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on that site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above. And only download those programs; don’t fall for the ads that are shown at various websites.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol.
The Ravin’ Cajun asks me to recommend a good client-side spam filter for MS mail programs running under Windows. Now, this is something I don’t have experience with because my ISPs have always had good spam filtering, plus, I use Thunderbird, which handles the remainder quite nicely, thank you. Some readers wrote in and recommended SpamBayes, which is totally free and supposedly works very well, so I’ll add it on to the anti-annoyance list that we’re building up here.
Now that 1.0 has been released, I feel good in recommending Firefox as an alternative to IE. Go grab a copy and see what you’re missing.
Any wrestling news out there? Only one item of any interesting import that hasn’t been discussed by anyone, so I’ll take it on…
SO YOU THINK TOUGH ENOUGH IS REAL?
Big Johnson got tabbed to this little tidbit by one of his readers at 1bullshit Junior, and I think it’s interesting enough to pass on to you. On the Tough Enough voting page at wwe.com is the following disclaimer:
“WWE, IN ITS SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE DISCRETION, RESERVES THE RIGHT TO CHANGE THE RULES, METHOD AND MANNER OF FAN VOTING AND WINNER SELECTION AT ANY TIME, FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, OR FOR NO REASON AT ALL.”
So, in other words, you can vote for Tough Enough, but, gee, they don’t have to follow the results of the voting. They can pick whomever they want and get rid of him. This, more than anything else, explains why Justice Smith is still alive in the competition. Vince always could use some big black guy for…well, something. An anal sex experience like he’s never had before comes to mind. God knows that Smith is totally useless for anything else.
The disclaimer also explains why Daniel Puder is still alive. Da Meltz keeps trying to delude you that there are actual fans of UFC or MMA out there, but we all know it isn’t true. However, wouldn’t it be a cock in the snoot to UFC if WWE turns one of its rejects into something? This is what Vince wanted from Ken Shamrock, but we all know that didn’t work out too well for all parties concerned. Now he’s got another chance, and he might just end up taking it for all it’s worth. I truly expect Puder to win now.
This, folks, is why I don’t cover Tough Enough in the Short Form. It’s a work, it’s a waste of time and of Al Snow, and it’s complete nonsense to begin with. So why don’t you start ignoring it too?
Speaking of ignoring, I wish that I could ignore Raw on a night when the main event is Trip scheduled to go through twenty guys to stay world champion, but that would leave this column without its heart and soul…no, I don’t have any mails for You’re A Moron, I’m talking about the other heart and soul…yes, the Short Form…
THE SHORT FORM
Match Results:
Chris Benoit and Edge over (in order of elimination) Viscera, Rhyno, The Name I Cannot Use Due To Conflict-Of-Interest Laws Tomko, Sylvain Grenier, Maven, Jonathan Coachman, Mister Regal, Rob Conway, Rosey, Novocaine Helms, Nick Dinsmore, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Val Venis, Christian, Ric Flair, Gene Snitsky, Stevie Richards, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Jericho, and DAVE, Number One Contender’s Battle Royal (split decision by refs): I don’t reflect on battle royals, to misquote someone else on this site. However, they had the right Final Four, DAVE was an appropriate choice for the Kevin Nash Blowjob Push…hell, DAVE was the real winner of this match considering his Nash Effect and elimination of Flair. Good for him.
Lita and Victoria over Trish Stratus and Molly Holly (Pinfall, Lita pins Stratus, DDT): Dear God, how long was this match? Ten minutes? Yeah, I know the guys need time to recover from the Battle Royal, but giving ten minutes to this is like putting your dick in a vise: no matter how hard you can get, it’s still excruciating.
Ric Flair over Jerry
Lawler (Submission, Figure-Four): Well, at least it’s two guys in there who are older than me…much older than me. But, geez, they can still go. They put on a match circa 1980 out there and had the audience in their grip the whole time. Major, major points just for chutzpah alone. And the match wasn’t too bad either. Put this on in Memphis or Charlotte and the roof will explode. Definitely a rematch in the near future, please.
Mister Regal and Nick Dinsmore over Rob Conway and Sylvain Grenier, Tag Title Match (Pinfall, Dinsmore pins Grenier, Stunner): Didn’t care. The retard was in it. There’s your explanation. All retards must die.
Chris Benoit over Edge and Trip, or was it Edge over Chris Benoit and Trip, Triple Threat World Title Match (simultaneous pinfall by Edge on Benoit, rollup, and Edge submitting to Benoit, Crossface)?: Okay, that was a cute little ending. So what happens now? Orton can’t declare the title held up, since his power ended the moment Raw went off the air. Jericho has to make some kind of decision next week, or will it be considered so “controversial” that Vince will have to make the call? Fuck it, just hold the belt up until a rematch at Royal Rumble and have those three just cut promos on each other. It won’t affect the Rumble match itself because Orton’s booked to win that puppy anyway.
Angle Developments:
Delicate Cycle: Do they actually plan shit like the Lingerie Show? Okay, My Beautiful and Beloved was involved, but it’s not like I haven’t seen her in her lingerie before, you know. The rest of the skanks in there made me want to open up my picture tube and disinfect the inside of it. A total waste of time, and if you don’t think so, you’re a shallow, horny little adolescent in mind if not in body.
And that closes off this Tuesday column, since I have to get some sleep before being up before the crack of dawn to do things to cows which shouldn’t be legal but are actually specified by the law. Beats the shit out of me why I’m getting paid for it, but I have to do something to keep the drugs coming in. And to pay rent and bills, but that’s truly secondary. Give me enough pills and I’ll live out of the Damn Vaninator without any problem. Before you ask, yes, we do have a shower at work. I’m old and a bit of a slob, but I don’t smell.
