InsidePulse’s WWE Byte This Report: 12.01.04


“…next we’ll show the magazine.” – mysterious crew member
“Yeah, Triple H making the game…” – Mark Lloyd

Ooooh, mysterious way to open the broadcast today! Love them f*ck ups!

Generic theme #7600 brings us to… Byte This! Mark Lloyd is our only host at first because Josh is doing voice overs for Afterburn. Wow, he’s skipping a live show to do some prerecorded voice work. Sigh, I guess last week’s show was an island of quality in the otherwise dull and corporate sea of Byte This. Lots of promotion for what’s gonna be on the show, including Eugene, Candace Michelle, and Eugene, plus the Fantasy Game winner making some sort of appearance. If you’re as unfamiliar as I am with Ms. Michelle, allow me to share with you my net search results. Dave Sherer, of the PW Insider, tell us that “[Candace] had big boobs which were about ready to pop out from under her skimpy outfit. I’m not complaining, I’m just reporting it. Candace said she played a cheerleader in the movie Dodgeball (hilarious film, by the way) and that she’ll be in the Lingerie Bowl at the next Super Bowl during halftime. She revealed that she has a special talent, which is that she can touch her nose with her tongue.” That was my first visit to Mr. Sherer’s page, believe it or not. Anywho, Mark starts to recap Raw and tells us that this was the first Raw to ever end without a definite world champion. There’s no way that can be true. He talks about how close the end of the Raw battle royal was, how rockin’ Batista’s role was, and who the champ’s gonna be next week at Charlotte’s Cricket Arena. He then reminds us whose gonna be on the show tonight. It’s been what, 2 minutes? Might as well remind everyone whose gonna be on again.

On the phone it’s… Trevor Potter of Eaten Town, New Jersey. He’s the poor soul who spent so much time playing the WWE’s online role-playing game, he actually won it. Man I hate that Fantasy Game. Trevor sounds like a good kid though, and reveals the secret to his success: it’s not a very hard game. Mark shills like Todd Pentingil on speed, which reminds me; I heard the ol’ Pentophile on a syndicated 80s rock radio show this weekend and he played some bad ass jams. ‘Been a long time since I’ve heard Dire Straights’ “Walk of Life.” Anywho, Mark does all the talking but Trevor does get to mention that he’s going to Stamford next week to collect his prize. That’s cool, I hope he meets a McMahon, and not Shane’s wife either.

Apparently we’ve got a contest going on tonight in which we can win tickets to Raw. Or we can stand outside the arena and get free ones! Mark Lloyd blubbers out a commercial transition and we’re going to break.

Fantasy game promo.

24/7 preview.

Droz is on the line! Oh man, Mark and Droz left to their own devices, it’s chaos! Where’s Josh? Droz and Mark whip out the old thesoraus and list every alternative to “amazing” to describe the battle royal. Droz tries to make a point about Batista’s role, but then he curses Big Dave by predicting a future Heavyweight Title reign, and of course, Droz is always wrong. Mark and Droz fall over one another trying to praise the way Maven, Randy Orton, and Chris Benoit have been “great” GMS. Coulda fooled me, at least when HHH is the GM you get some actual matches. Marcus from San Diego asks Droz is he’ll ever be back on TV again. Droz pauses before he tells us he’s gonna be the honorary celebrity when the Fantasy Game starts back up, which is code for NEVER EVER. It sucks, because honestly, they should give him a crap show like Afterburn and let him say whatever he wants instead of making him Mark Lloyd’s shilling buddy. They blab a little about Guerrero before going back to Fantasy Game talk. Droz is all ready to go, letting us know that at 7:00PM we can start picking guys for next week’s kick off. But Droz, it’s 8:15PM! So much of this show is eaten up by this f*cking Fantasy Game, ugh. Mark drops Droz and promises Candace… no wait, Eugene coming up next!

Maven and Eugene segment from Raw. I dug this segment, especially when Eugene spells “title.” I love Regal’s “Do we have a problem?” line.

We’re back, let’s see if Eugene’s in character when he shows up. Mark pimps the magazine, which gives me a big fat clue as to what the little snippet of conversation was about at the start of the show. Mark drools all over HHH before transitioning into praising the Regal/Eugene team. He then brings up about thirty different things while trying to fill some time. I guess we’re taking another break, which is code for “Where the f*ck’s Nick Dinsmore?”

Guerrero/Booker vs. Orlando/JBL footage, which I’m sure was supposed to be shown before Eddy’s segment. This is what I like to think of as a subtle technical f*ck up, as opposed to their usual dropped phone calls and missing guests. Hey, did you ever notice that Orlando Jordan looks like a drag queen who just took off his wig? Seriously, he has eyeliner and lipstick and the whole nine yards. Just look at an old Velocity match of his and then look at him now, he’s totally a woman these days. Damn this clip is long. I wonder how long the show is tonight. Hope its not too long, I’d like to watch a movie after this. Shit, I could watch a movie during this and I’d be done just in time for Eugene’s interview.

I guess we’re talking to Eddy now. Which also means it wasn’t a f*ck up. Too bad, I kinda like the f*ck ups. Anyway, Eddy has not watched the ECW DVD yet, but Mark thinks its really fantastic. Eddy misses the ECW dressing room the most, especially the way he and Dean were praised by their peers. Paul treated him like gold, and he’ll cherish his brief moment there. On to the PPV, which Eddy is confident he’ll win. Mark has nothing to say, so he goes to the phones. Freddie from New Jersey asks which match was better, the No Way Out match with Lesnar or the ‘Mania 20 match with Angle. Eddy thought they were all good, and then explains why. Everything’s gravy to Eddy now, so he just wrestles like every match is his last one and appreciates each day he’s alive. Brief talk about Guerrero’s DVD suddenly springs Eddy to life, as he gets all intense and proud about his success over drug abuse. And now, our awkward fan-talks-to-wrestler moment for the evening:

Mary from Massachussetts: “Hi Eddy.”

Eddie: “Hi Mamacita, what’s going on?”

Mary: “Good.”

She eventually busts out a question about how does someone prepares for three other opponents. He gives a very real-sounding speech about how he’s gonna wrestle with his heart, and how he was burnt out for a while and dropped the ball but now he’s on the comeback trail and has a goal to acheive. Yes! Please let Eddy win! Mark tries to bookend the speech with a weird dad-style wrap up, but fails and turns to the Instant Feedback room. A net fan asks if Los Guerreros will reunite anytime soon. Eddy says anything can happen in wrestling, holmes! He’d really like a reunion someday but they are too successful in their current paths and all he can do is admire Chavito as a fan instead of as a partner. Mark asks about the Smackdown magazine cover shoot, and of course, it was fun. Guerrero is then asked if he’s talked to Cena lately and why he chose him for his Survivor Series team. Eddy makes up a great answer about how humble Cena acts backstage and how that’s something Eddy looks for when he’s seeking allies. Good lil’ fake answer there. Mark drops Eddy and promises that he has no idea what segment’s coming up next.

Blade: Trinity scene during the break. Distinct lack of important Triple H footage. Who’s the marketing genius who came up with that one? Yes, that was an SNL quote.

Eugene really is on the line, and he’s totally in character. He’s excited about being on Byte This… wait, maybe he is retarded! He’s sorry he wasn’t on the phone on time, but he saw a Chucky Cheese on his way to get milk. His opinions on his Tag Team defense? “I like Baltimore. I like being a tag team champion. I like William Regal.” They discuss the Battle Royal, and apparently Eugene doesn’t understand why Maven would be so mad at him. He was just doing what Regal told him to. He’s really excited about the Fanatix special that’s running on pay cable right now, but he hasn’t seen it because William Regal manages his money and won’t let him buy it. He adds that Regal only gives him enough money for crayons and popcicles. As far as the new GMs go, Eugene likes Jericho and hopes he gets a good match on Raw. Since Jericho promised a party, he’ll have a party hat, and a whistle, and a “woo woo thing.” What Superstar did he look up to when he was growing up? “Ronald McDonald!” Mark clarifies the questions, and Eugene understands. Apparently it was the British Bulldogs, the Macho Man, and some other guys. Sorry, I missed it and it’s really hard to use the WWE Windows Media window to rewind the show without going way past where you want to be. Blake is on the phone and wants to know who Eugene would face if he had the choice. “Does Doink the Clown count?” Awesome. The kid’s not having it though, so Eugene admits he’d have to fight Maven. Mark asks him what is next for Eugene. “Monday Night Raw. In Charlotte.” Mark decides to do word association with Eugene. What is this, the Interactive Interview? Alas, comments like that make me realize I really do have a big fat geek hidden inside these rugged good looks and deep-set eyes. Go ahead, check out my profile after you read this! I don’t care, I’M BEAUTIFUL!

Regal: friend.
Maven: mean.
Trish Stratus: “I’m not s’posed to say that word.”
Steve Austin: Rattlesnake.
Triple H: “The Game, but mean too. Together. Mean Game.”
Christy: “Christy rocks!”
Vince McMahon: The boss, and he makes Eugene nervous.
The Rock: He’s Eugene’s best friend.
Hulk Hogan: “Hulkster, I think Hulkster. And I think yellow, and I think red.”
The Undertaker: his music.

Damn, Eugene’s a good guest, in character or not. Right as I think this, Mark drops him and blabs on about the Fantasy Game for the last five minutes. Seriously, what the f*ck? I refuse to recap Mark counting the points he can earn if he uses certain characters. He ends the show and we’re out with the ending to Raw.

Was there a contest question that I missed? Wasn’t one of the Diva Search girls advertised for the show too? Where was Josh? Why couldn’t Mark be tied up with voice overs instead of Josh? How did this show get so sucky after last week’s gossipfest? Oh well, Eugene was funny. If you plan on listening, just skip the first forty minutes and get straight to Eugene’s interview. If you don’t plan on listening but still read this, I feel like you owe me one.