(Remember when I told y’all that I wouldn’t be writing a column last week? Well, I lied. Your Thanksgiving fix of Aaron and Nick was right here all last weekend. See what you miss when you’re standing in line at 5:00 AM on Black Friday, waiting to pick up one of those $19 Hashi-Tashi brand DVD players at Wal-Mart?)
Inside Pulse Quote of the Week: “I’ve read too many Bootlegs to get on the bad side of any African-American ladies.”, Daniels in The Daily Pulse
Welcome back to The Bootleg. Did y’all hear about the recent cold snap that hit Southern California this week? Now, I understand that “cold” is a relative term, especially considering those Friends of the Bootleg, Movie Joe Reid and Nick Salemi, call upstate New York and Connecticut home, respectively.
But, the change in our usual postcard climate has had at least one tragic residual effect: I’m sick. Now, I don’t get sick that often”¦maybe once or twice a year. But, there I was, this past Monday, calling in sick and not faking the “sick voice” with a little conversational cough thrown in for effect.
What’s worse, is that Monday was actually the best day I’ve had this week, health-wise. Combine that with the fact that my job kicks in to overdrive in December (as we struggle to find loose change in the office lounge couch cushions to meet our unrealistic revenue requirements) and what you had was an increasingly feeble, phlegm-filled and flu-ridden Bootleg Guy.
I’ve had to work full days, every day this week to make up for Monday and on Wednesday, it really caught up to me.
My department planned a happy hour to say ‘goodbye’ to one of our own. It was one of those awkward sendoffs, because she was leaving us for one of our biggest competitors and it “somehow” leaked that she’d be making in the neighborhood of $90,000/year at her new gig. But, she’s hot and, after a few drinks, she’d likely be handing out those elongated goodbye hugs, so I was definitely in.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get “in” until after sunset. I got to the bar and found that our party was set up outside on the patio. The temperature/clock display over the bank, on my way in, read “45F/5:15 PM”. Again, I acknowledge that 45 degrees isn’t cold for Syracuse and Saskatchewan”¦but in San Diego? We’re talkin’ red n’ black lumberjacks, with the hat to match.
This flu bug must’ve clouded my better judgment. Instead of turning around and going home, I found myself huddled up at the end of the table, trying to siphon heat from those outdoor restaurant heat lamps that have a warming radius of about two feet.
I was alternately sweating like a pig and shivering like a young, moist Dudley in that “very special episode” of Diff’rent Strokes where he gets molested.
Since I got there late, I was forced to make small talk with a co-worker who is twice my age and openly suffering from the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease.
I am not making this up. The whole time I’m hoping that she doesn’t think I’m making fun of her. In actuality, I’m shaking because my body temperature had probably dropped below 90 degrees and frostbite had taken most of my left big toe.
After 45 minutes, I felt like I’d been roughing it with Rulon Gardner, so I took my leave. Ah, but my night would only get colder, as I still had to deal with my wife”¦and Life With the Bootleg Family.
The Goodness Presents, Your Thought of the Day: Based on his performance, do you think Jeremy Giambi got the placebo batch from BALCO, by mistake?
Britney, Braids and Boston
Is Britney Spears giving up the accolades for the apron? Is she trading in her millions of fans for a minivan? Is she”¦ah, I got nothin’ else here. In a recent message posted to her personal website, Spears claims that she feels “richer” as a wife and stepmother than she ever did as the most inexplicably popular performer on the planet.
Not surprisingly, all of the (quote) legitimate (unquote) news sites that have been reporting this (quote) story (unquote) have been missing the most obvious angle: this woman is somebody’s stepmother. Where else, other than pornos, can anyone be blessed with such a blazin’ piece of ass and call her “mommy”?
Wait a minute”¦I’m forgetting all about Tommy Boy. Do y’all realize it’s been almost 10 years since the exhumed essence of a bikini-bedecked Bo Derek showed us that sixty-six = sexy! Amazingly, since the release of Blake Edwards’ 10 in 1979, Bo has managed to parlay one slow motion, “bouncing blonde in braids” beach scene into a career.
Even more surprising, a similar scene played out in 2004. When the Boston Red Sox emerged as World Series winners, fans were quick to credit everyone from GM Theo Epstein all the way down to Pedro’s midget. But, you and I know the truth. And for the next 25 years, we can all look forward to repeats of Sports Century running on ESPN Ocho, starring this guy (and I don’t mean Damon or Ramirez).
And, Still No Word on Winnie
A few weeks ago, we took Syracuse University to task for their Lil’ Kim curriculum. Now, there’s word that Temple University has opened their hallowed halls for Marilyn Manson. Hold on”¦before Ezekiel and Ishmael (in accordance with their parents’ wishes) step out into the hall and pray for our souls, they should know that this farce has been foisted upon us by MTV and their Stand-In series.
The show takes musicians and puts them in those always funny “unfamiliar” situations. Y’all might’ve seen earlier fish-out-of-water features with Snoop Dogg catching passes from members of the USC Trojans or the aforementioned Lil’ Kim living STD-free.
For this episode, Kevin Arnold’s former friend will teach an Art & Society class for the day. Now, if the show’s producers really want to drive the ratings, they’ll have Manson stick around once the sun’s gone down.
As the legend goes”¦just off of Temple’s campus grounds there lies a thick thatch of Philadelphian forestry. An uneasy alliance has been struck between the students and “Those They Do Not Speak Of””¦a reclusive race of 100-year-old bug-eyed, bird-like beings.
The arrangement is simple: the students ask for the right to go to class and get their degrees. Conversely, the creatures ask for a little privacy”¦and a permanent position as head basketball coach for one of their own.
Tis The Season”¦Biiatch
Rapper/actor Ice-T teamed with Target in an unusual promotion last week. In honor of the busiest shopping day of the year, T was one of 10 pre-recorded celebrity voices that served as “wake-up calls” for shoppers, in the wee hours of “Black Friday”. The entire Ice-T message is transcribed below:
Hey man, this is Ice-T. You wanna mess around or you wanna wake up? Cause I’ll get your butt out of that bed real quick. Cause if your feet don’t hit the floor within two seconds after I call, I’m comin’ over there and I guarantee that you’ll be awake then!
And, nothing says “Christmas” better than a middle-aged beige brutha and a threat of breaking and entering. Christ, can we assume that our friends at Target couldn’t get clearance to use Ving Rhames’ “”¦pipe-hittin’ n*ggas with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch”¦” speech at the end of Pulp Fiction?
And, speaking of which, has anyone else noticed that Rhames was dropped from those ridiculous Radio Shack ads, while former NFL star and spectacularly failed actor Howie Long was kept? Are you telling me America won’t buy their batteries from a Black man?
Remember when Rhames famously handed his 1998 Golden Globe Award to Jack Lemmon? Show of hands: who thought, heading into 2005, that Lemmon’s career prospects would look slightly better?
Now, You Know. And, Knowing is Half the Battle”¦
Devastating news out of Miami this week, as it was announced that the Dolphins’ Ricky Williams had turned down the NFL’s reinstatement offer and the enigmatic running back would remain retired. Oh, and in other news, Florida Atlantic University officials have cancelled a Ying Yang Twins concert that was set to follow tomorrow’s game with Florida International.
For those that don’t know, the Ying Yang Twins are a lot like Lil’ Jon in style and look”¦except they’re not Lil’ Jon. Man, I’m not explaining this all that well. OK, remember that old school G.I. Joe villain Zartan? Master of disguise”¦lived in the swamps”¦leader of the Dreadnoks.
Well, based on his popularity, a brother and sister were created for him called Zandar and Zarana, respectively. They had similar looks and backgrounds to Zartan. These two lesser-known spin-offs were the action figure equivalent of The Ying Yang Twins.
Whoops, got a little sidetracked there. The concert was cancelled due to the University’s recent discovery that The Twins say bad words on their albums. Despite promises from the duo that they’d tone it down for the post game show, the school was reluctant to take that risk.
Not for nothing, but it was that conservative, err-on-the-side-of-caution approach that eventually forced Cobra Commander out of power and ushered in the era of Serpentor.
The Gift That Keeps On Grunting
Hey, just so everyone knows, we’re about two months away from”¦whoa, can’t announce that just yet. Instead, why don’t I let everyone know that we are about two months south of Valentine’s Day.
And make sure all you fellas out there mix in some “Fiddy” with your flowers and candy. The street date has been set for 50 Cent’s sophomore CD, Valentine’s Day Massacre. On February 15, the air will be filled with talk of the half price sale at the Hallmark Store and the familiar sound of 50’s incoherent flow.
Bah”¦for me, V-Day is just like every other over-commercialized holiday out there. Back when Mrs. Bootleg was still just “that girl you’re seeing” (my mom’s words, not mine), I scraped together enough change from my job as “college student” to get her a Cinnabonâ„¢”¦for Valentine’s Day.
And, she was grateful to get that glob of cream-cheese frosted goo, too. At least, that’s what I think she said, in between the three bites it took her to finish it.
Today, that $2.99 just might pay for that hard-to-find Afrocentric greeting card or, more than likely, be all I have left at the end of a V-Day evening spent watching the wife pick at her plate of prime rib while ignoring the three a la carte side dishes she ordered. To say nothing of the fact that she’ll insist on her own pretentiously priced desert, because the Key Lime pie that I thought we’d share is “too exotic” for her palate.
Valentine’s Day of 2000, in case you’re wondering.
Sometimes The News Just Writes Itself
OK”¦I’ve read and re-read this news item a thousand times and can’t quite put my finger on what’s wrong with this story. Earlier this month, police were called to the London home of George Michael after a call was made to report a break-in.
The police arrived on the scene, but not before the suspected intruder had left the premises. In this case, the prime suspect is a 28-year-old woman who has reportedly been stalking Michael for the last six weeks.
Now, I know this is a potentially serious story, but can someone help me out with this question: how do these nuts manage to find the home addresses of celebrities? I mean, if it was really that easy, don’t you think Stan would’ve just shown up and hand-delivered all those letters to Eminem?
But, then again, I guess the video wouldn’t make much sense if he did that. And, by the second or third verse, Stan’s probably getting arrested for trespassing or something. Y’know, now that I think about it, the video’s whole murder-suicide finale is actually a much more powerful image than a misdemeanor fine and a restraining order.
Nick’a Please
conceptualized by Nick Salemi
Since Nas’ album dropped earlier this week, I thought I’d take a brief look back at his previous work and weigh in on where I think it stands in relation to it. I’ve followed his career for 10 years now and truly have been witness to the evolution of Nas as an artist.
Without further ado, “Let’s take a trip down Memory Lane”¦”
Illmatic (1994)
You’ll find nine songs of Hip Hop perfection in a row: NY State of Mind, Life’s A Bitch, The World Is Yours, It Ain’t Hard To Tell, etc. It’s considered Hip Hop Gold, as any fan knows, so I won’t get into this one too much. Unfortunately, to quote his one time rival, it ended up being “the gift and the curse”.
He set the bar so high that he spent years trying to live up to it and having fans and critics alike saying, “It’s alright but it ain’t Illmatic.” That was foolish for anyone to think because nothing ever will be.
It Was Written (1996)
In the summer of 1996, the Hip Hop world was waiting for Nas’ second coming. No matter what people say now, most people loved this when it came out and you couldn’t go too far without hearing If I Ruled the World blasting from speakers somewhere.
People say Nas became too commercial with this album, but he almost had to. He was so talented, it was obvious he could sell to a bigger audience, so why hate him now (or later)? And, for those who say he was tryin’ to be “gangsta” or whatever, well that was what was going on in Hip Hop at the time, and everyone, including Biggie, was in on it.
Why only Nas was brought to task for this is beyond me. If anyone thinks Biggie was killing people, operating a drug cartel and stashing money in the Cayman Islands…well, you’re just gonna have to figure that sh*t out yourself. Other standout tracks from this one: The Message, Street Dreams, and Affirmative Action.
I Am (1999)
After a long layoff, Nas returned with I Am. However, since we last heard from him, he released the commercially successful but critically panned Firm album with Dr. Dre, AZ, Foxy Brown and Nature. (I don’t think it was a complete disaster”¦I happen to be a fan of Phone Tap).
Put in its proper perspective, Nas’ credibility had taken a hit. He must have been aware because he responded by teaming up with DJ Premier on the first cut off the album, (and one of his better songs of all time) Nas is Like. This sounded a lot more like the Nasty Nas we all remembered. It was definitely seen as a step up from It Was Written.
There was talk of this being a double CD, but ultimately it was split up into two. As a result of having such a huge body of work lying around, he ran into all kinds of bootlegging problems. That aside, there were some great tracks like NY State of Mind II, the infamous Puff Daddy collabo Hate Me Now, Favor For a Favor with Scarface, the old school Dr. Knockboot and We Will Survive..
Nastradamus (1999)
Nas dropped his second album of the year in late ’99. Most people remember the two radio-friendly joints on this one Nastradamus and You Owe Me. Most people also believe that this is his weakest album ever. It’s hard to argue that, especially with those two songs being the singles.
Like I mentioned about the previous album, a lot of these tracks had been leaked already, while others had been out for so long that they were completely left off of the album, so who knows what could have been. Too many just say “this album sucked” without even discussing it or giving it a chance.
Life We Chose, Project Windows (featuring Ron Isley), Come Get Me, and Family (featuring Mobb Deep) are all solid tracks. Myself, along with others, believe if you took the best of I Am and combined it with the best of Nastradamas, you’d have a pretty damn hot disc, with very few, if any flaws.
I just think it was a lot of music to put out at once. However it must be said that at this point, it was thought by many that Nas’ career was on the ropes.
Stillmatic (2001)
If he was on the ropes before, then Jigga’s The Takeover knocked Nas down for the count. While they had been going back and forth under the radar for a while, this track called out Nas point blank. It wound up being the greatest thing that could have happened to him.
Nas got up, dusted himself off and served Jay-Z a diss track that we’ve still never heard anything like, since. It sparked a fire in him that he put into his return track Ether, and carried it throughout Stillmatic. This album was Nas’ long awaited return to glory.
This was arguably the tightest album he dropped since Illmatic. From the hot intro to Got Ur Self A”¦, to the creative Rewind, to One Mic and What Goes Around, the last being two of his best joints on any disc”¦ this was the Nas we all knew he could be.
The Lost Tapes (2002)
Carried by the momentum from Stillmatic, Columbia Records got their sh*t straight and decided to release several of Nas’ unreleased songs that were recorded mainly during the I Am / Nastradamus era.
Many of these were on mixtapes and bootleg versions of those albums. So while it’s not a new disc, I just thought I’d mention it because it really was a bonus to have it come out so soon after Stillmatic as it included classics like Doo Rags, Blaze a 50, Drunk By Myself, and Black Zombie.
And let’s face it, most rappers’ main material isn’t as good as Nas’ unreleased stuff.
God’s Son (2002)
God’s Son was released late in 2002 and continued Nas’ hot streak. Nas went old school with his lead single Made You Look, which was an instant classic. However, the album also showcased his maturity as an artist and a person as well.
He was clearly affected by the passing of his mother as it shows through some of his songs, like Dance. Other songs, such as Get Down, The Cross, Thugz Mansion featuring 2Pac, Last Real N***a Alive (a great storytelling track with an insider’s view of Hip Hop feuds in the mid 90s with some of his own history) and Heaven made this at least as good as Stillmatic.
Back to back solid releases, (three, if you count The Lost Tapes) Nas was here to stay and some say he was getting better.
Street’s Disciple (2004)
That brings us to today. After two years, Street’s Disciple is finally here. Thief’s Theme and You Know My Style, released earlier in the year, gave fans a taste of what to come (don’t worry they’re included). The Hip Hop double disc is always a tricky animal, but I’ll be damned if he hasn’t done it again.
Nas really outdoes himself. From start to finish, I think it’s the most polished album he’s done since Illmatic (we’re not comparing anything to that anymore, right?) I think a lot of it has to do with the production handled by Salaam Remi, L.E.S. and Chucky Thompson, which gives both discs a distinct rhythm and sound. It sounds like a great collective album, not just the hottest producers in the game doing a track each.
It’s easily the best album to drop in 2004. His flow and delivery are still unmatched but it’s the content of his songs that keeps evolving and getting more amazing. There’s 20+ tracks of goodness here, but believe me it’s not overly long. I won’t list the songs I like here because I’ve only listened to it 3 or 4 times so far and right now I still like them all!
You should really just bump this all the way through without looking for specific songs. Resist the urge to hit that track skip button and enjoy it. Nas has returned”¦with more great Hip Hop.
Get at me at nicksalemi@yahoo.com
General Haberdashery
Mere weeks remain in the race to see who will be crowned 2004 Music Staffer of the Year. Just for kicks, why don’t I toss the false modesty out the window for a week by explaining why my favorite Inside Pulse writers don’t deserve your vote.
Gordi brings a bit of culture and class to the site every week. Now, that’s all well n’ good (n’ plenty), but how many more weeks are we going to be subjected to the shameless plugs of his girlfriend? Seriously, how many times per month do y’all see “Mrs. Bootleg” appear in my work. Once? Perhaps, twice?
Fernandez opens with some of my homespun AOL IM Goodness and continues his one-man mission to eradicate the world of Lil’ Jon. However, later in the column, he endorses not one, but two separate projects from Chingy. Chingy! He’s the guy who likes “Chinese, Japanese or even Asian” girls.
Gloomchen slices and dices (get this) some magazine’s subjective listing of the Greatest Songs in the History of Music. I mean”¦come on! Plus, she bashes Nirvana, Metallica and Salt-N-Pepa. Thereby insulting just about every demographic that visits this site. (Assuming Spinderella is still reading the adventures of Survivor Jessie.) Besos.
Mathan gets twice the love this week as he begins with a shameless attempt to cut into my eight or nine holiday hits last weekend and gives you his take on the infamous EW list. From there, he was right back here yesterday with”¦wait a tic. He didn’t link me! Moving on”¦
J.A.M = the fourth in the line of short-lived novelty writing nicknames for a trio of Inside Pulse and 411 writers.
J is for Movie Joe Reid who has found inspiration, hellfire and brimstone with his recent move to Mondays. If you’re reading this, you needs to be reading that. The bestest movie news around with inexplicable references to Tommy Davidson, Cockroach, Danny Glover and other unemployable “black-tors” from the ’80s and ’90s.
A is for me.
M is usually for TV Mathan, but, much like Vlada, he doesn’t love any of you and didn’t run a column last week. So, for this week, we’re linking Tayo over at the enemy. He’s always given it up for The Goodness and his column is the musical equivalent of, uh”¦”adult entertainment”.
Speaking of grown up, another longtime reader of this column just happens to write at 411 as Mr. Phil Watts, Jr. holds it down each and every Thursday. He’s got a great piece this week on maturity and music, plus his own damn take on the infamous Entertainment Weekly list. Ah, who am I kidding”¦he’s primarily getting linked because he called Jay-Z’s Blueprint “decent”. HA! Take that, Erhardt!
Finally, if I can be serious for a minute, make sure y’all find some time to say ‘goodbye’ to our own Ben Morse. If you’re not a fan of our comics zone a/k/a The Nexus, then you might not know what you’ve been missing. He pens a farewell column that is equal parts heartfelt and hilarious.
And, if the sentiment doesn’t bait you mouth-breathers, then know that he also has some good (never-before-told) dirt on Scott Keith and why he almost didn’t jump to 411 a few years ago.
Junk Mail
Good to see the Thanksgiving Holiday didn’t keep many of y’all from visiting us here at IP. Last week, Nick and I chopped up Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 25 Greatest Rap Albums Ever. Y’all had your own opinions on what we included”¦and what we forgot:
Now that’s why I love the Bootleg. You and Nick got real good chemistry and I blew right through (last) week’s column. I really think you guys are selling Paul’s Boutique short, though. Just because The Beasties dropped Licensed to Ill first, doesn’t mean it’s the best. To use an analogy you’ll appreciate: Just because Jackie Robinson was first, does that make him the best Black ballplayer ever? Keep up the great work”¦M.S.
Well, I’m not too sure I follow your baseball comparison, but I just happened to prefer Ill. And I think it should get bonus points for its historical significance, as well as its track-to-track excellence.
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That was some straight bullsh*t from that magazine. Not one place for Pac, who’s only the greatest rapper to ever live? You should’ve had a place for all of his albums on there”¦No Name Given
I heard from a lot of angry Tupac fans who thought both EW and Nick n’ me slighted Pac by not showing him more love. Sorry, but in my mind, only Me Against The World deserved to make the list (and I would’ve had it Top 5). Keep in mind, the mag had their own rule of “one artist/act to one album”. No multiple entries. And, even then, I’m not sure if I’d put anymore of Pac’s stuff with the rest of the Goodness.
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How in the hell could you guys AND Entertainment Weekly forget the Geto Boys and their “Grip It! On That Other Level” joint? That was not only straight fire, but it had the young Scarface on there”¦J.C.
Alright, I thought at least ONE of y’all would show some love for Common Sense’s Resurrection. Does everything gotta be bitch-this and ho-that for you to take notice? If you haven’t heard it, turn in your Hip Hop cards right now. Seriously, it’s good stuff, from beginning to end and I’ll guarantee you’ll love it”¦B.C
These were probably the two biggest albums that were mentioned the most by irate readers. Although, to be fair, both m’man Mathan and m’hombre Fernandez made mention of Common in their respective response to the list.
Not sure I agree with all the Geto Boys sentiment, though. Grip It”¦ was a decent enough album, but a little too over-the-top for my tastes and borderline farcical.
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So when is Inside Pulse going to do the correct version of how Entertainment Weekly’s list should’ve looked like?”¦M.T.
Hey, if we’re going to steal someone’s idea for an extravagantly subjective list, don’t you think we’d go with”¦whoops, I’ve said too much. Paul Newman Steve Coogan is going to have my legs broken if I say another word.
Life With the Bootleg Family
OK”¦continuing our story from this week’s intro. As I left the bar, the wife called me and asked for her “usual” from Taco Bell. And, yes, even though we live about an hour north of the Mexican border and have some of the best authentic Mexican restaurants on the planet in San Diego”¦we frequent TB enough to have a “usual”.
I barely remember picking it up, as I got home and curled up in the fetal position on our couch. A few minutes later, the wife woke me up, in a panic:
“Where’s my caramel-apple empanada?!”
For the fast food impaired, that’s basically a McDonald’s Apple Pie in Spanish. We go through the same thing every time, as they always pack the dessert in a separate bag. I pointed out the deep-fried dulce to the wife and went back to sleep.
That is, until Mrs. Bootleg woke me up again just before midnight. Seems Baby Bootleg was up and wouldn’t go back to bed. Gee, thanks for sharing”¦and what, exactly, can the one contagious Cameron in the house do for a 9-month-old child with a still-developing immune system?
Apparently, I can do a lot, as the wife went to bed and left me with the boy. He eventually went down around 12:30 AM and I crawled onto the futon in our second bedroom/office as a form of self-imposed quarantine.
At 5:00 AM, I unglued my mug from the sticky saliva/cough drop blend that had bonded my noggin to the pillow. I stumbled downstairs, turned on the heater and went back to bed. A few minutes later, the wife burst in:
Why is it so hot in Jalen’s room?!
Now, our house is about 25 years old and when the heater is running, it sounds like”¦well, what’s that old joke about the low-flying plane or high-flying train? After I explained the quiet roar around us, she left, only to wake me up five minutes later:
It’s still too hot in Jalen’s room, I’m turning on his ceiling fan.
What is she, the narrator? Again, she left”¦and again, she came back to wake me five minutes later:
It’s just too hot in there, I’m turning the heat off.
Now, for those of you thinking that this story has gotten a little tedious, keep in mind that it was my life just 24 hours ago.
And, misery loves company, you single, healthy bastards.
The return of Moodspins is almost upon us. For all the details that Matthew Michael doesn’t want you to know, get at me on AOL or Yahoo IM: ajcameron13
