Riding Coattails: Candy Strippers

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As the Donald sat smugly between George and Carolyn in the boardroom, echoing the tired sentiment that he “had no choice” but to fire Ivana, streams of insults galloped through my brain. Why should I take this combed over, pink-tie-wearing, finger-pointing, cliché-spouting clown seriously? And further, why would anybody want to work for someone so abusive? I realize the salary Trump pays his employees is enticing, but there are far easier, less degrading ways of raking in the cash. Don’t the remaining four realize they could be making hundreds of thousands of dollars every year by stuffing envelopes in their own homes? Or how about working as a chicken sexer? I hear that pays really well.

I understand why Mr. Trump told Ivana to take a walk. She lost at the two tasks she managed, was often in hot water in the boardroom, has the same name as his ex-wife, and sold views of her pert ass along with the candy bars. It was clear that George admired her hustle as a saleswoman, and he went as far as criticizing Kelly and Kevin for sitting back with googly fish eyes while Ivana worked her magic. Personally, I think the they only way Apex would have stood half a chance against beating Mosaic is if they had gone into a gay neighborhood and Kevin had pedaled candy bars shirtless. That probably occurred to them, but they were too chicken to try it. And I have to wonder if El Queso Grande and Her Royal Blondness would have delivered such thunderous disapproval if it had been the men flashing flesh all over Manhattan instead of Ivana. Unfortunately, we’ll never know. And speaking of flesh, can someone please tell Kelly to stop answering the phone in the morning? We all know Kevin does it so much better and it far easier on the eyes.

Of course, the very players I harshed on last week for being attractive clones used it to the fullest advantage this week. Jennifer and Sandy, the duo constituting Mosaic, strapped on their high heels and kicked some serious ass. As I’ve seen more of Sandy, she becomes more of a person of likeable substance, while Jen remains as wooden as ever. Sandy even went as far as saying that it was impossible to get personal with Jen. Sandy’s pre-task observation of her partner was that Jen was not willing “to hand out candy to win a popularity contest.” In the candidates’ suite, that was probably true, but when selling candy was an actual Trump task, Jen was unbeatable. Furthermore, she was “willing to do just about anything, within reason” to win the task.

Ivana sure didn’t seem to think Sandy and Jen’s sister act was reasonable. I sprayed a mouthful of martini on my coffee table when Ivana said, “They look like strippers with chocolate bars. I’m not going to lie. I mean in a cheap beer dive in Texas with peanut shells on the floor.” However, the only thing viewers saw hitting the floor in this episode was Ivana’s skirt.

Although Ivana’s gimmick was clearly a desperate ploy to outdo her competition (and it didn’t work, which makes it seem even lamer), the consequences of her actions made it clear that there is such a thing as going too far to sell a product. When I first started watching The Apprentice, I sincerely doubted that a candidate would be penalized for putting everything they had (including choice body parts) into trying to win a competition. I now see that even the biggest money whores in the world have some boundaries when it comes to sleazy sales tactics. But as I watched the Donald climb out of a dumpster during that obnoxious Visa Check Card commercial, I couldn’t help but wonder why Ivana was the one being accused of trashy behavior. D.T. is such a hypocrite.

So is Kevin. Frankly, I think that if Ivana had kept her pants on, Kevin would have been the one hailing a cab at the end of this week’s episode. Kevin sucks when it comes to pricing, a flaw that was first exposed when he hiked up the prices for the clothing in the fashion task. With the candy bars, Kevin sold them for too little, which ultimately led to Apex’s demise, despite Ivana’s hard-earned handful of $20 bills. What’s worse, Kevin decided to lower the price without consulting his project manager, Ms. Goodbutt, thus thrusting her into desperation mode. I can’t approve of Kevin’s behavior and no longer want him to win, even if he does have good pecs.