Welcome to The Saturday Swindle Sheet. This week’s column is brought to you by the Family Guy season three DVD collection. It makes a damn good Christmas or Hanukkah or random gift, and Target has it for only $22 this week. If you can’t afford that, then get this for your friend or loved one. It’s cheaper, and fun!
This week was pretty worthless from a music news standpoint. Almost as worthless as My Chemical Romance is to music itself. Your hate mail will not change my mind, even if you point out the fact that one of the bands that came up in my iPod as I wrote this was Wham!.
It appears that since Dispute Resolution Magazine has a December 15th deadline, and I still have yet to see a handful of Word files that still need to be laid out, that my going insane is somewhat justified. I have neglected to write the last installment of Aaron Cameron’s Eminem series, and have even missed a Swindle Sheet because I’ve been buried underneath magazine layouts and my other full-time job. The latest victim to be claimed as a result of me sucking at multitasking is the music section’s Rocktable of Remarkery for the month of November. If I were to find the time to get the thing assembled and posted, it probably wouldn’t be until the middle of December, and that would be pretty shoddy. I apologize to Fingers and Widro, as well as my peers; especially the perpetually enthusiastic Tom D’Errico, who is always mega gung-ho about projects like this (just my two cents) and even bent over backwards to get a topic tank thrown together in the 23rd hour. I’m sorry. I will stop being a shitty team player very soon, guys. I promise. And Widro, feel free to give me a slight pay decrease. I deserve it.
THE OFFICIAL SATURDAY SWINDLE SHEET NEW WAVE MIXTAPE
(Part 13 of 16)
Simple Minds, “(Don’t You) Forget About Me”
DRAMATIS PERSONAE (AMSTERDAM EDITION)
I have decided to go to Amsterdam in the spring. It’s time to brush up on my shoddy Dutch…
Kan That_Bootleg_Guy in staat zijn kent twee “de Best Schrijver” te stelen twee jaren in rij toe? Deze week besliste hij te proberen en te stelen mijn stemmen door te zeggen dat ik Chingy goedkeur. Wij hier aan The Saturday Swindle Sheet herkennen dit als een smeer campagne en hem herkent niet. Wij zullen Aaron devalueren precies zoals hij ons devalueerde. Hier is een voor u… Aaron kiest alle M&Ms. uit van het spoor mengsel bijgevolg dat zijn vrouw noten en raisins moet eten! Hoe gemeen!
Ik wens dat ik Mathan Erhardt was. Niet alleen doet leeft niet hij met zijn ouders, maar hij leeft in Las Vegas. Ziend als een haat de sneeuw en koud weer over als veel als ik Fred Durst haat, voorspel ik dat mezelf ergens in dat gebied van het land eerder bewegend dan later. Mathan is ziek deze week, maar is nog steeds in staat om de waarheid op het nieuwe Eminem album, dat te vertellen is gezet samen over evenals een Ford Pinto.
Eric Katz heeft woensdag een kolom in in plaats van van D’Estroyer, die niet hier deze week was. Hij had te bezig met zijn Pearl Jam hulde kunnen geweest zijn. Snapcase is stoppen een heel slecht ding. Ik genoot ook van End Transmission en zal zelfs misschien zeggen dat het mijn favoriet Snapcase album is. Katz houdt van Interpol niet. Dit breekt mijn hart. Ik denk dat mijn favoriet bier vermoedelijk Guinness of Rolling Rock is. Het best deel over schrijven in Nederlands is dat u van het onderwerp kan dwalen en heel weinige mensen zullen opmerken.
Gloomchen heeft een heel speciale kolom waarin zij de nieuwe kwestie van Rolling Stone bespreekt. De kolom omvat zelfs een afbeelding! Ik zou van houden te verkondigen dat Bob Dylan niet is even goed als iedereen denkt. Droevig. Ik heb het tijdschrift niet gelezen, maar ik ben mooi zeker dat noch de Joy Division noch Bauhaus eenmaal is vermeld. Dit zou een reaal afkoelt idee voor Spin zijn, maar ik vrees dat zij te veel Nirvana en Björk op hun lijst zouden hebben.
Gordi Whitelaw schreibt immer eine ausgezeichnete und erfüllende spalte. Die spalte von dieser woche war keine ausnahme. Diese woche beschreibt er seine lieblingsjazzkonzerte. Jazz wird immer kluge leute haben geschlechtsverkehr mit Ihnen machen. Ich wundere mich, wenn irgendjemand erkennen wird, dass dieser absatz auf Deutsch und nicht holländisch ist.
NEWS TO USE
In a follow-up story, Santa Monica police are currently investigating Suge Knight to see if he had anything to do with the fracas that occurred at the Vibe Awards. He could have also been in violation of his parole by attended the show. The aforementioned fracas started with Dr. Dre getting punched in the face by Jimmy “James” Johnson (as he was offstage and about to accept an award), leading to a huge crowd melee in which Johnson was stabbed. Knight, who co-founded Death Row Records with Dr. Dre, has had hard feelings toward him since Dre left the label in the mid-90s. Suge apparently showed up uninvited to the awards show, and proceeded to sit right behind Dre. Many witnesses saw him try to bribe and then end up beating up an usher in order to get that seat. He also then proceeded to beat up all of the witnesses, as well as a waiter and two stagehands.
Following up on another story, this one from The Saturday Swindle Sheet #69…
Former Navy SEAL Ambrose Kappos … was arrested at a Manhattan concert venue in October of 2003 after being sighted standing outside of Crow’s dressing room, and had also tracked down her family and visited them at their home in Missouri back in early 2003 (after having located their home on the Internet). Kappos told Crow’s father that he had a bird had led him to their house, and that that meant that he was destined marry Sheryl Crow and have children [with her]. None of the preceding story was fabricated.
Kappos was tried Tuesday in a New York court, and the jury ended up acquitting him of charges of burglary and stalking. He claimed that he had been “delusional” when he thought that he and Crow were communicating telepathically, saying that “[c]learly there was no telepathy,” and claiming that two failed marriages, various emotional problems, and an infatuation with Crow had created his warped state of mind. He then added that he was still in search for his one true love, and was looking for “a really good woman who can stir my emotions the way Miss Crow did. However, she will have to wear a cape and false mustache while we have sex. The bird told me that that was very important in order for me to be truly happy.”
After Fiona Apple’s album, Extraordinary Machine, which was recorded last year, was put in limbo by Sony Music instead of being released due to it not having enough commercial appeal, one of her superfans decided to fight the power. Dave Muscato has set up freefiona.com in support of the singer, and has also staged protests outside of Sony Music headquarters in Los Angeles and New York on January 24th. The Saturday Swindle Sheet recently sent out its ace reporter, Elliot Smilowitz, to speak with Fiona Apple about why her album still has not been released…
Elliot: Michelle Branch is better than you.
Fiona Apple: Who?
Elliot: You heard me.
The Fire Theft, a band that contains 3/4 of the now-defunct Sunny Day Real Estate, was reportedly cut of ties with Rykodisc, the imprint on which the band’s 2003 debut was released. This comes as something of a surprise to the music industry, as nobody thought that Rykodisc was still around.
Snoop Dogg premiered his monthly XM program Friday from his home studio in Los Angeles. Welcome to Da Chuuch with Big Snoop Dogg will be broadcast on The Rhyme (Channel 65) every first Friday of the month, at 8 PM EST.
The Chemical Brothers will be releasing a new album, Push the Button, on January 25th. The first single off of the album is called “Galvanize,” and features Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest.
Quick Bits: U2’s How to Dismantle the Atomic Bomb debuted at #1 in the U.S., scanning over 840,000 copies last week. Police once again searched Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch this week, not specifying what they were looking for. Stevie Wonder announced plans to release a new album sometime in the spring; it would be his first in over a decade.
THE LATE NIGHT JUKEBOX
This week’s featured contributor is the ALMIGHTY Gordi Whitelaw…
There are a few different ways I like to chill, and different music to accompany each kind of chilling.
Anyone who reads Music To Help You Score With Smart People will already know that I have dozens and dozens of jazz and classical recordings that I love dearly, but I’ll go outside my comfort zone and perhaps expose myself to ridicule here by revealing my hopelessly out of date tastes in rock music. Keep in mind I’m 39 years old and haven’t collected anything but jazz and classical for years. Also, I’m trying to keep this chill-specific and as honest as possible.
For Blissful Chilling:
Smashing Pumpkins, “Today”
(Also chosen by: Burnside). I was disappointed to read that Billy Pumpkin meant this song ironically. It works just fine for me when I’m actually having a great day.
Jane’s Addiction, “Summertime Rolls”
This is a song you need to listen to on a sunny day, with a close friend, outside, having hauled a portable stereo up to the bluff lookout or down by the lake.
Van Morrison, “And It Stoned Me”
OH, he knows what fleeting bliss is all about. People think it’s deep to be gloomy, but sincere in-the-moment happiness is the truest spiritual state.
R.E.M., “Night Swimming”
(ACB: Reid). Of course, what makes the bliss so precious is the knowledge that it’s unlikely to last. This song is he living definition of bittersweet.
For Contemplative Chilling:
The Doors, “Crystal Ship”
And for those few minutes get carried off to the horizon and beyond.
Tom Waits, “Putnam County”
I don’t know if there’s more than one version, but I’m thinking of the one on Nighthawks at the Diner. For thinking about what life might have been like if you’d never moved far away.
Led Zeppelin, “Ten Years Gone”
(ACB: Gloomchen). For thinking about how far you’ve come and where you’re headed.
Jimi Hendrix, “Castles Made of Sand”
For when you realise how small and powerless you really are, or for when you realise your own innate divinity.
For Sorrowful Chilling:
Leonard Cohen, “Famous Blue Raincoat”
(ACB: Reid). Nobody can ever control what’s in someone else’s heart. When you have to let go, at least you know you’re not alone.
Jaromir Nohavica, “Zatimco se Koupes?”
He’s the Czech Leonard Cohen, and this is what I listen to when I’m missing my life and my friends in Europe.
Simon and Garfunkel, “The Boxer”
Because it’s painful to experience how unfair the world can be, it sucks to be alone in a big city, and we are all getting older whether we like it or not.
Robert Johnson, “Love in Vain”
(ACB: Rutherford): Because we are far from being the first people to have ever felt that way, and some people feel a whole lot worse.
For Reminiscing:
Built to Spill, “Car”
This is the song I was listening to as I left Victoria, my friends weeping openly and running after the bus waving at me, and me writing “GOODBYE” backwards on the window with my snot.
The Beatles, “Across the Universe”
Sitting in the worst, sleaziest, cheapest, filthiest bar in Central Europe with a true friend, swilling cheap red wine and smoking stogies, laughing our asses of at truth in the line ‘Nothing’s gonna change my world.’
U2, “All I Want Is You”
Slow dancing in the basement and hoping not to get caught.
Nirvana, “Oh Me”
If this actually wasn?t the song that was playing when Tam-raw looked around the bar and declared, of our table, “Holy Shit! WE’RE the cool people now? well, it should have been.
Pearl Jam, “Betterman”
Live in Prague. I was there. I still get chills when Vedder stops singing and lets the crowd carry the chorus.
Neil Young, “I Believe In You”
Driving to The Yukon to visit a friend, windows rolled down and this song blazing out the windows and echoing back from the forests and the hills. Was it about the friend I was going to visit, or about God?
Billy Preston, “Will It Go Round in Circles?”
In a few years, this will be the song that reminds me of this stage of my life.
Many thanks go out to Gordi Whitelaw for taking part in Jack Nicholson’s favorite thing on this site. That’s right. You can send any questions and/or comments pertaining to this list to Gordi at gordi@4sternstaging.com, and be sure to check out his latest column, Music to Help You Score with Smart People, right here.
FROM THE LABELS
ASTRALWERKS NEEDS INTERNS
http://www.astralwerks.com/intern.html
Do you live in or near New York City or LA, have a passion for music, and can get course credit for internships? Astralwerks is looking for you! Click the above link for more info.
iNFLUENCES
Ever wonder what makes me tick? No? Too bad. Here are some of the random songs that came up in the iPod as I wrote this week’s column…
Pigface, “Suck”
Ming & FS, “U NI SON” [f/BLESTeNATION]
Tiger Army, “True Romance”
Pretenders, “Message of Love”
Prince, “Controversy”
Wham!, “Everything She Wants”
KMFDM, “Godlike”
Stevie Wonder, “My Cherie Amour”
BT, “Flaming June” (BT & PVD Edit)
The Cure, “Just Like Heaven”
Berlin, “Sex (I’m a…)”
Bauhaus, “Telegram Sam”
Violent Femmes, “Blister in the Sun”
Jamiroquai, “Canned Heat”
Orgy, “Fiction (Dreams in Digital)”
Genesis, “Turn It On Again”
Nirvana, “Verse Chorus Verse”
Duran Duran, “A View to Kill”
Pink Floyd, “Time”
THE MOST RIDICULOUS ITEM OF THE WEEK
Lil Jon, the man who is responsible for everything bad in the world, was able to sucker some idiot (whose name is being kept private) into marrying him last Saturday. The ceremony took place at the Wyndham El Conquistador Resort and Golden Door Spa in Puerto Rico. The couple is said to be well, and next week Lil Jon plans to have his new bride encrusted in diamonds and gold and made into a giant necklace which will also have an mp3 player and will also be a goblet.
Enjoy your week. Stay tuned for Gordi Whitelaw on Monday. I’m Jeff Fernandez, and I was struck by lightning, walkin’ down the street… I was hit by something last night in my sleep.
Cheers
-JF2k4!
