The holiday season is jumping up in full force, and so has the horrid holiday music. I have never made any secret of the fact that I can’t stand Christmas music. Even in my New Kids On the Block fandom days, I wasn’t too keen on whipping out their Christmas album. It doesn’t help that my family is completely wacky as far as religion is concerned, and so we merely celebrate a chunk of time where presents are exchanged. Anyway, even without that factor, I would rather rip my ears off than listen to “Last Christmas” by Wham.
Modern Christmas songs are just so damned hokey that I can’t handle it. The half that don’t have jingle bells featured as a prominent instrument are so sappy and ridiculous that nobody would ever fathom giving them airplay if it wasn’t for a holiday reference.
I know that I’m a cynical person. That’s why the only Christmas song I look forward to every year is “The Twelve Pains of Christmas.” It’s terribly out of date, but I loved it when I was a kid and I still have it stashed somewhere comfortably in mp3 format. While I’m aware there are a lot more cynical Christmas songs in existence, particularly produced in recent years, I don’t care. Ozzy Osbourne did a holiday song with Jessica Simpson. That’s a sign that I can’t ignore. It screams at me to completely ignore all of this mess and run far, far away.
Yet, it’s impossible.
Alice In Musicland
The old Band Aid charity single, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” was re-recorded in all of its Bob Geldorf glory by a chunk of UK stars. Number one (in the UK)? You bet. Gimmicks will get you everywhere, even though everyone remembers that it certainly wasn’t a good song to begin with.
I haven’t heard the new version yet. I don’t want to; that’s fairly obvious.
Bruce Springsteen gave away ten tickets to a holiday show in his home of New Jersey. How did one enter the contest? Why, they had to go shopping in Asbury Park. The fair trade here, supposedly, is boosting the economy in exchange for a lovely Boss experience. I’m not sure how I feel about this other than that I’m glad that people will be getting presents out of this mess. At least, they better be. That’s why the holidays exist in the first place.
The Mormon Tabernacle Choir canceled a European tour due to terrorism concerns. Where were they headed that gave them so much fear? Why, those violent countries of Denmark, Sweden, Norway, and Finland, of course. I know when I think terrorism, I think Scandanavia. Oh wait, it’s all clicking now. I mean, if Varg Vikernes could escape once, he just might escape again.
Band vs. Band
I’m drawing out of a hat today on this one. Let’s go Garbage vs. Evanescence.
What seems like forty million years ago, renouned producer Butch Vig put together a nice little band full of other engineer geeks. Their choice for vocalissa was stolen from a never-heard band called Angelfish: Shirley Manson. Her rich alto, her ability to coo and breathily purr, and her striking red mop was more than enough to make her a tasty centerpiece. Garbage’s first album spawned many hits; their second, less so. Their third was awful. In whole, it was never anything more than dark pop aiming for chart glory.
Strolling out of Arkansas, Evanescence started as the duo of Amy Lee and Ben Moody. Ben wrote the songs, Amy sang them all pretty-like. Signed by Wind-Up, they started being promoted in the Christian market until one of them said a naughty word. Apparently, Ms. Lee’s gothwear wasn’t an issue for Jesus, but cursing was. At any rate, bango, their first single flew up and out like a mad virus; other hits followed. It was all hard rock with a decidedly pop direction.
Both bands targeted an appeal at the twisted underworld side of our universe; be it goth, fetish, or other subcultures. However, those who exist in those subcultures know better. It’s obvious that both bands are ridiculously pop. There’s nothing daring or striking about either. It’s a clever ruse to let the vanilla population believe that they’re experiencing a slice of hedonism.
There’s nothing inherently bad about either band’s music. Taken from a purely musical standpoint, there are supreme pop tunes sprinkled between the two groups. The methods of marketing these bands in the way they are is utterly amazing, but it’s the females singing of golden showers or flailing around like a reject from a Stevie Nicks convention that teeter the line to the dark side and brought them more success than they likely would have found otherwise.
File Under…
The genre of the day: Blues-Rock
It’s no secret that Rock ‘n’ Roll as a whole was evolved in a large part from the blues. Divisions of rock began branching off immediately as pop evolved as its own entity and other influences, such as gospel and soul music, began taking rock down other paths. Today, blues-rock is an easily recognizable classic rock sound. Hendrix, Zeppelin, the Stones, Janis… food of the gods, really.
Southern rock branched off and incorporated bits of twang and country flair to create a more accessible sound; from Lynyrd Skynyrd to the Black Crowes, that old feeling of blues is still present. Jam bands like Blues Traveler and Phish also embody a lot of the old blues-rock feel, but with modern updating. And modern blues has reciprocated as well, with nearly all genres of blues incorporating rock elements that distinguish it from previous eras in blues history.
While there is little in current popular music that truly captures the spirit that swept a giant part of the late ’60s and most of the ’70s, artists like Kenny Wayne Shepherd and Jonny Lang continue to cater to a more purist form of blues-rock without sounding dated or hokey. Even lost in the shuffle, people are still going to have the blues. It will simply never go out of style.
My Opinion Matters
Speaking of roots and blues, I would like to take this time to discuss my severe hatred of The Dave Matthews Band.
I do remember when Dave and pals broke into some mainstream MTV play and were talked about critically as if they were gods. Being someone who likes to keep an eye on the positive thoughts of those of high taste, I gave it a fair chance. “What Would You Say” and “Ants Marching” bombarded the airwaves; with each listen, I increasingly cringed.
Those who follow know of my grand love for Dream Theater. Much like Dave Matthews Band, they are known for meandering off-course, playing exceptionally long passages of beautiful virtuosity for no real reason, and generally doing what is categorically demeaned as “wanking.” However, I’m a metal girl at heart; lots of shredding makes me smile, while lots of bibbly-bobbly hopping and jumping does not.
Then came that horrible “Crash Into Me” song. Matthews’ voice undoubtedly grated on my nerves to new and uncharted levels, and I could not avoid it anywhere I went. This created a new level of anger and irritation with the band. It did not help that any time I would start a conversation with a music-elite type of person, inevitably they would start to gush all over Dave Matthews.
I don’t understand. To me, the annoyance that embodies every angle of this band is unavoidable, painful, and cringeworthy. Yet, I rarely ever hear anyone badmouth the man, the band, or the music. I have given much of it a fair listen. It’s grating. People complain about Brian Johnson’s (AC/DC) voice and not being able to get past it; with me, Matthews’ constant honking and yodeling and nasal whimpering is unbearable. I have yet to hear anything musically by the band that excites me, catches my ear, or makes me happy to possess ears — and it’s been ten years.
The Rad Ones
I guess I can pimp myself. Add the Gloomchen RSS feed to your newsreader or LiveJournal. If you haven’t discovered the wonder that is RSS, you have not discovered true laziness incarnate. Each of our zones have a feed and some of the Wrestling Divas (TM) have their own as well. I couldn’t ask to be in better company.
A bunch of the Games guys talk about some crazy Japanese game. I know nothing about games other than Tetris, yet even still, these guys never fail to entertain.
Did you know that approximately fifty thousand television celebrities write for Inside Pulse? I have to plead ignorance on this one as well, as I watch nearly no television. That doesn’t make me better than anyone.
Heading to an art house to see some obscure foreign thing? Let Arturo be your guide.
As far as my own beloved music compadres are concerned, give Gordi some love, eh? He’ll class you up a little bit. That is, of course, if you’re not too distracted by his wrestling coverage to focus on the finer points of jazz.
And the new guy, who knows what he’s talking about. Especially Mastodon.
Outro
The magic of making mix CDs for friendly, inexpensive holiday gifts has rekindled my love for some random and delicious music which hasn’t taken a spin on my playlist in quite some time. Without ruining the surprise for many of my gift recipients, here’s a taste of some of the odder tunes that made the cut for one or more mixes:
That Dog “Did You Ever”
Self “So Low”
Tanzwut “Götterfunken”
God Lives Underwater “23”
Snake River Conspiracy “Breed”
Carbon 12 “The Thing That Should Not Be”
Blind Melon “Mouthful of Cavities”
Stahlhammer “Wiener Blut”
The Old Dead Tree “We Cry As One”
And I would also like to use and abuse this space to wish good luck to those looking to break into the porn business, to offer a handshake instead of a punch in the face to those who get dumped for being ambitious, and a hearty giggle to those who wish for little more this holiday season than shenanigans.
I WANT A TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS
–gloomchen
