That’s right I’m on Monday now! I’m convinced that this is a promotion. Then I realized I’m not getting paid. It made me sad. Then I looked
at the picture to your left and pissed myself laughing. All better!
That Triple H, what a great guy. Always providing great material
for all of the IWC.
Now I got several emails last week regarding the use of Mini-Steph. Apparently people really don’t like Stephanie McMahon. Well, since
I like to keep my readers happy, Stephanie will not appear this week.
In her place will be…
MINI-RUSSO! You asked for it bitches!
On with the show…
RAW 11.29.04
————
-The ring is filled with combatants for the company wide battle royal. Vince comes out and says Triple H
will not defend the title in the battle royal because someone like Stevie Richards could win the belt.
Triple H will face the winner of the battle royal later on.
-Edge and Benoit win the battle royal as they both touch at exactly the same time. Edge then slams Yokozuna on the deck of the Intrepid and Benoit gives his glasses to the Make-A-Wish kid at ringside. Sorry…the first sentence really happened.
-Refs are in Randy Ortons office pleading their case for who won between Edge and Benoit. Randy
has got a choice to make; even Vince comes in to say so.
-Maven complains about being eliminated and gets in Eugene’s face about it (Eugene eliminated him).
Regal and Shelton tell Maven to back off.
-Orton runs in ANOTHER DIVA SEARCH CONTESTANT (these girls are like publicity whores!) backstage. Candace is the new make-up artist for Raw. She is wearing a revealing dress.
-Orton comes out and gives La Resistance vs. William Regal and TIMMAY!, Flair vs. Lawler in a Legends Match, and Edge vs. Benoit vs. Triple H for the World Heavyweight Title.
-Lita and Victoria def. Trish Stratus and Molly
-Ric Flair def. Jerry “The King” Lawler via Figure Four with leverage from the ropes.
-Orton in his office, upset because he thought Lawler would win. A new girl, Melina (Was she a
Diva Search chick?) is in his office. She is a butter face (everything looks good but her face) and Orton
has an idea.
-Orton does a lingerie contest with Christy!, Stacy and the other girls. They take off their clothes.
-Eugene and Regal def. La Resistance
-Maven throws Eugene into the ring steps in front of the kids in the ring.
-Jericho informs Trish she’ll be defending her title against Lita next week.
-Edge and Benoit both win the World Title when Edge taps as he pins Benoit. Controversy and we’ll
find out what’s going on next week.
THE RAW MEMBRANE
—————-
Legally:
——–
– Vince is guilty of breaching contract with everyone in the battle royal.
-Vince is guilty of defamation of character with Steven Richards.
-Maven is guilty of having fewer friends than a retard.
-The Diva Search girls are all guilty of being ridiculous whores.
-Orton is guilty of sexual harassment for making the girls take off their clothes.
-Maven is guilty of throwing a retard into steel steps. Although one day through the grace of God that
may be an Olympic sport.
-The refs are guilty of being horrible the entire night.
Personally:
———–
-Wasn’t too surprised that they didn’t have the Battle Royal for the title. I couldn’t think of how they
might book it to have Triple H win. Cute end to the Battle Royal though.
-Randy Orton as GM? Ehhh, I actually enjoyed Maven more.
-Speaking of Maven…YES! Heel turn should do him wonders. And starting with Eugene is good because
he can do things to Eugene and get twice the heat because people are sympathetic to the ‘Tard.
-Any time you throw Lita, Victoria and Trish out together I enjoy it. Molly is a good wrestler; I’m just not attracted to her.
-The one thing I don’t think anyone understands is this: WWE is not 24. I sit and wonder the entire week
what is going to happen to Keifer Sutherland and Elisha Cuthbert on 24. I stopped thinking about
who would be champion on Raw next week or what they would do with the title held up about 10 minutes
after they were off-air. WWEs shows have to have a beginning and an end. No silly cliffhangers!
That’s soooooo 1998 .
The Crown Of Thorns for tonights Raw:
Yup, new day, new section! I’ll give my thoughts on what will happen on Raw and Smackdown this week
in this little rosebud. Why “The Crown of Thorns”? Well, because my column is The Crucifix and it
sounds dramatic. So tonight on Raw:
-Benoit and Edge should fight one on one for the World Title. Odds say Triple H retains the belt because
the Board of Directors reviewed how Randy Orton hit HHH with a chair and the match should have ended
in a DQ last week.
-Maven jumps Eugene and beats him with his own helmet.
-Lita wins the Women’s Title from Trish Stratus.
-Diva Search girls lose more clothing.
-More seeds get planted for a Batista face turn.
-Jericho rocks the house as GM.
Trivia two weeks ago: If Lita had had the baby, what would Mark Calloway’s relation be to said baby?
Answer: NONE. Mark Calloway plays The Undertaker. The Undertaker would be half uncle. Mark
Calloway is nothing to the baby.
Winner: Chad Smith, who gets whatever picture he wants put on this page. Unless it is porn or another
picture of Tammy Sytch like last weeks. Here it is:
Cue “This Train” from Sublime…
I’ll be honest: I missed Smackdown last week because my firehouse had a meeting. I won’t miss it again.
I promise. But for clarity, I will refer to Jennette’s Smackdown Report to give you The Crown of
Thorns for Smackdown:
-JBL’s cabinet will get bigger with the addition of Rey Mysterio as Head of Foreign Relations and RVD as Head of Agriculture.
-Mike Mizanin will be cut from Tough Enough. Katie got cut, why shouldn’t he?
-John Cena will return and put the hurt on Hey-Zeus in the build up to Armageddon.
-Booker T and Eddie Guerrero will continue to bicker and may fight. The Undertaker will continue to be the man with that cool entrance.
-Heidenreich will be in jail reading poetry to Martha Stewart. Scott Peterson will come in to the cell and
we will see a repeat of the “I like your poetry” “I like what you do with babies.” thing with Snitsky from
Survivor Series.
-Smackdown will never air again do to the aforementioned baby/poetry thing.
-Smackdown’s superstars will show up on Raw a week later with Shane McMahon as their leader. He will tell us that the “S” in Smackdown stands for sandwich and that’s good enough for him. We will be confused and will go looking for our Coldplay album to have something to listen to as we cut our wrists in unison. We will then realize that it is only wrestling and listen to some Hillary Duff to calm us down. We’ll then ask Blatt why we have to listen to Hillary Duff and he will take his thumb out of his mouth and tell us it’s the only CD he’s ever had. Just then Scott Keith, accompanied by Kamala and Bret Hart, will enter in war paint with a burning tiki-torch and a boom box blasting “Toxic” from Britney Spears and proclaim, “Freedom is on the march!” We will inform him that we aren’t killing ourselves or anyone anymore. He’ll accept that and we’ll all sit down drinking hot cocoa which may or may not be poisoned by a bitter Widro, who really wanted to kill PK. Watching TV, We see Meltzer leading a one-man revolution of sports entertainment. We don’t know whether to be scared or proud, so we ask Blatt to turn the Hillary Duff off. We hear noise outside of our office and walk outside to see Meltzer being shot by Vince Russo, amazingly shooting small cannon balls out of the WWE t-shirt gun. Lillian Garcia is singing the National Anthem in the middle of the street with Trish Stratus crying in a cage next to her. Lillian has a gun! “I have to do something!” Hyatte screams. “No, I’ll go. I’ve done my time on this cruel world.”says Eric S. We laugh at him because it is so true and he makes a mad dash for Trish. Hyatte shoots him in the back, muttering, “Fuck you geezer, she’s mine.” We laugh in unison and watch Hyatte make the mad dash. Russo shoots him with a DVD of Gigli, Russo’s favorite movie of all time. Scared, the survivors run inside the Inside Pulse offices for shelter. Widro wonders what we could do. Blatt wants to snuggle. PK and Hevia throw Blatt out of the window and yell, “PULL!” Russo shoots him within a split second, leaving Widro, PK and Hevia. “Why us?” asks PK. “I knew we shouldn’t have gotten an office in Hunt’s Point.” says Widro. Just then, a humming sound comes from the skies. Looking out the window the surviving three are amazed to see Gordi flying through the sky on Jushin Ligers back! “GO GORDI GO!” they exclaim. Vince Russo shoots them with his “WWRD? What Would Russo Do?” shirt and they perish without a fight. PK kills himself. Widro screams “WHO WILL DO RAW RECAPS!?” and kills himself as well. Hevia laughs, knowing the only thing that stands between him and Trish is the one guy with more dumb ideas then him. Vince Russo. “Russo!” Hevia says as he walks outside. Russo shoots him with the t-shirt gun. Nothing. Hevia continues to walk towards him. “How are you still standing?” Russo asks. “I channeled the no-selling power of The Undertaker.” Hevia replies. Russo says “Oh shit…well, kiss my ass I’m Hulking up!” Hevia, in bewilderment, channels the promo spirit of The Ultimate Warrior to screw Russo up real good. Hevia says, “The ones who be with Hevia now are the ones who will be with him at this moment. Destrucity be with the little Hevias as we cross the path to the moment of greatness. This power lives within all the Hevias as we live to breath. You will feel the power of HEVIA.” Russo, looking shocked, picks up the Coldplay CD and stabs himself to death with it. Hevia asks Lillian to sing “I Will Always Love You”, originally performed by Whitney Houston for The Bodyguard soundtrack, while he unlocks the cage and saves Trish. Trish gives him a big kiss. Vince McMahon comes over and says, “That’s the best booking I’ve seen since Patterson left!” Hevia smiles as Vince hands him a long-term contract. Trish kisses him again. Hyatte seethes with rage as Saddam plays with him in hell. Hevia and Trish soon marry and raise a beautiful family.
MORAL OF THE STORY: When in doubt, quote Warrior.
NWA:TNA had their Victory Road Pay-Per-View last night and to be honest, the action sounded as if it was great. Reading reviews of it it sounds like AMW and XXX stole the show. But reading some reviews brought me to this: The fake “Vince” and fake “Triple H” segments. Believe me, I’m all for competition in this sport/entertainment business, but why in the world would TNA do this? How do you sit there and mock people that make more in a year than your entire roster? That includes the over 40 demographic of wrestlers you have, all of a sudden, been so prone to signing. Plain and simple it boils down to this: TNA shouldn’t have been dumb and brought shit to WWE down in Orlando. Bringing a camera and filming it is showing that, contrary to TNA’s own comments, they wanted publicity and were hoping something big would come out of it. That I can respect. Get publicity and if need be bring the fight to the big mans door to do so. But it’s over. Trumpeting this video for weeks on end shows how bush league you really are. Savage, Hall, Nash and DDP don’t make you contenders all of a sudden. Yes, you’re probably the number two promotion in the U.S. right now. Never the less, understand one thing: TNA, you are nowhere near WWE. You aren’t WCW, regardless of your main players. You are closer to ECW, a promotion that is trying real hard but making the wrong moves. In ECW’s case those moves were financial and out of desperation. For you, it is the knuckleheads running the show that think it would be better to pay guys like Hall and Nash for their names rather than showcase the stars that built TNA to where it is today. ECW built their name on bringing in or developing talent that was different than WWE or WCW. You have guys like AJ Styles, Petey Williams, Monty Brown and others who represent that. But you’d choose to have “Macho Man” Randy Savage come out for about AN second and make the lukewarm tag, doing almost no work and getting the pin in the 6 man tag match. Why? Let’s correlate here…you mock Vince McMahon and Triple H. You act like you are going to show the Paris Hilton porn video and showed blurred footage. You act as if this is sooooo “renegade”. Tenay says “It’s not like we drove a tank to Stamford!” and this is to show that you are THE alternative to WWE. You are hip. You are cool. You are everything NEW and MODERN that pro wrestling has to offer! Then 76 year-old Randy Savage pins former WWE midcard comedy act Jeff Jarrett to win your main event and immediately gets touted as the number one contender for the title. A WEE BIT hypocritical aren’t we? To think, a promotion that needs to get a move on resorts to bringing in people that are ten years or so away from getting a move on with their canes or walkers. Believe me, I’m not saying WWE is God’s gift right now. I’m just saying that if TNA wants to be respected and wants to build itself up, it should cut the horseshit with Russo-esque skits mocking people and signing guys over 40 (unless they are signing them as trainers/bookers/yes men) and stick to showcasing what they have: an amazing group of young guys willing to stick their necks out every week to put on a great show. The talent is there, just use it. If people tuned into Victory Road to see Savage, Hall, Nash and DDP, that’s wonderful and the byrate will be nice. But a year from now all four of those guys will be gone. And if TNA doesn’t wisen up and cut the shit, TNA itself may just be gone too.
Also, I’m not trying to say that I agree with Vince McMahon on everything. I also don’t agree with Triple H on everything. Then again, I don’t always believe what I read about them. I will say this though: I respect them for what they have done, are doing, and will do in the future. My fingers wouldn’t be on these keys if not for Vince, and I can’t think of someone that can hold a candle to Triple H as the best heel for the past 10 years. The man could make Hitler run like a little bitch if he had the chance, that’s how intense he can be. So I’m not shilling, I’m just being honest in my assessment of the Victory Road skits.
Time for those plugs!
– Gordi . The man is a sexual being.
– Blatt . A year of Raw recaps in 4 spectacular columns. I influenced him to do this. He thought I was being nice. I wasn’t. It was all just a ploy to get his girlfriend together with the Rasslin’ Roundtable for TNA’s Turning Point. Flea was all like “Me first bitch! I’m the senior member!” Sick bastard. Check it out and see how we did. Not with her, I’m sure she’ll have a cromagnon for a baby, but with our picks for the PPV.
– PK .The guiding light of Raw recaps.
-Like I said, Katie got eliminated, so check out her column here, as we may be seeing the entrance of Robin soon.
As for me, I’m out like the fat kid in dodge ball to go work some more on the special feature you’ll be seeing on this sight in a little while. And I’m taking my Minis with me! Say bye Minis! “BYE!”
