Slayer’s Sports and Stuff!



Me: I’m like your Auburn. No matter what I do, it’s just not good enough.

Mistress: Actually, you’re like my Pittsburgh. Useless but I keep you around anyway.

Hi Everybody! Welcome to another edition of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff! The twentieth column! In this column we’re going to talk about steroids, the BCS mess, and few other random things and then we’ll say hello to this week’s special guest, Jed Shaffer! But first, a look around…

Tom Toner is not happy Darryl Strawberry is on the HOF ballot. Plus this line: “The BCS? Auburn got screwed, we all know. Did Cal get screwed? To be honest, the 4-5-6 rankings were such in a way that no matter who would have gotten picked, someone would have bitched. Cal over Texas? Bitch fest. Texas over Cal? Bitch fest. Texas AND Cal over Utah? Mega bitch fest.”

Mark U is happy Florida got Urban but isn’t so happy with all the MLB shenanigans,. Plus this line: “You just never know what’s going to happen. Unless of course you’ve received an e-mail forward about Nostradomus predicting the sale of marshmallows to Sadaam Hussein’s nephew’s barber’s neighbor. Then you do know.”

Oli Porter is happy because he’s addicted to a new video game. Plus this line: “A German TV comedian had handed out t-shirts bearing embarrassing slogans, leading Schumacher to comment that being a role model was of more important to him than setting up a chain of sex shops.”

Cory Laflin seems happy now that college hoops is starting. He’s also probably happy the Chiefs are still feisty and haven’t thrown the towel. Plus this line: “Why is Mike Martz still a head coach? How the hell did he win a Super Bowl as an offensive coordinator? Has he ever HEARD of running the ball?”

Is Patrick N happy? Hard to get a read on the guy actually…Plus this line: “Good job, idiot. Look, I know there are two sides to every story. And I know that there are times when police misjudge their use of force. But what kind of escalation requires the police to believe they need to stab a f*ck with a stun gun – twice – to calm the situation down? Olowokandi, you are a disappointment to all those that had hopes that you would be a somebody in the NBA. The least you can do is not put yourself in situations to where the police felt stun guns were necessary. Try to be a role model or something. Donate to charity. Visit sick kids in the hospital. Dance or sing at a telethon. Anything but putting yourself in a stupid situation like this.”

Now let’s do MY column…….

So baseball players are taking steroids…..

So what? There, I said it. I’ll say it again. So what. Is this something new? No. Have we the public been ignorant of their existence? No. Have we been naive enough to think it was just a few apples and not the whole tree? No. We, the fans have always known about steroids and we accepted it. We may have not been for it and even feel it slanted the game somewhat. But we filled those ballparks, watched the games on television, and cheered for the players…even the ones on steroids. Scratch that. Especially the ones on steroids. Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield. Here are five players we all KNOW took steroids. Jason admitted it, Gary and Barry are playing spin control, and Sammy and Mark got a pass by society. One time or the other you’ve rooted for one of these players. And don’t get wise on me and say you haven’t because it will take me about three seconds to find the baseball player on the team you love who has. They’ve been doing it for years. Sure some of us are a bit upset they are breaking records that were made in the non-steroid era. Babe Ruth, Roger Maris, Hank Aaron: These guys got their home runs on their natural ability alone. And here come these new players blasting away their records tainting the history books. That gets us mad. But when that player hits two home runs in a postseason game giving our team the win; we praise them. And we have praised them with not only verbosity; but with hard earned money. We bought tickets for their games and filled up the parks breaking attendance ratings. We flocked around the televisions like a cult skyrocketing the television ratings. Some of us get the shirts, jerseys, hell, even the jewelry. If we all made a list of our five favorite baseball players; chances are one or two of them are doing the juice. And we realize that. Now the testimony of the BALCO investigation comes out and it displays an admission of steroid use.


Now what am I supposed to do? Act shocked? Say I didn’t know? Gasp in terror? If I did, I would be a hypocrite and so would you. I’m not saying there is any morale justification for steroids. There most likely isn’t. But how is that MY problem. How is that the fan’s problem. One day a baseball player will die of pituitary failure. One almost did. They are grown adults; if they can’t view life from a broader perspective and only see the immediate future, that isn’t my issue. It’s in their benefit to not take steroids. It’s in the union’s benefit to allow major league baseball put major punishments on those who do take steroids. Is to the fan’s benefit? Well, let’s say at the end they don’t do anything. For those who don’t like baseball, it’ll be another dagger for the arsenal. For those who do, not much will change except you’ll have something else to scream at Bonds when he visits your town. Let’s not kid ourselves; this will not effect who we root for and how many tickets we buy a year. This is not the Chicago Black Sox or The Strike. Everyone knows athletes take steroids. Many have accepted it and shrugged their shoulders; many have gotten up on their pedestals and decried it despite rooting for whatever player they are thumbing their nose at. And many…take steroids themselves.

It’s true folks. Steroids is one popular substance. I know people who take steroids. Why they take them I have no clue. Maybe their a little more vain then me; maybe they want to impress the lady when they take off the shirt. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know its use is quite rampant. Do you know when illegal steroids are at its highest? Take a guess. It’s almost obvious. When I heard it; it sounded logical to me. The answers are May and June. Also known as beach weather. Guys juice up to look good on the beach.. And for sports, chances are if you are in high school or collegiate athletics; you’re taking steroids. Hey, I’m not judging anybody. It’s the way the world works. A buddy of mine played football for a Division III school. A competitive school in their own conference but still, Division III. Just playing for the love of the game without any dreams of doing it professionally. He states over half the players took steroids. He was a defensive back so he didn’t need the steroids. But he told me he had been tempted several times when he was offered drugs that would make him ‘faster’. He also admitted that if he was in a skill position or played on the line; he would of had to take steroids to make the team. This is our sports world. The players know it, the coaches know it, and the owners know it. And now you know it if you haven’t already. And you know you did.

A little controversy happened at Notre Dame. They decided to break 80 years of tradition and fired Tyrone Willingham before his contract expired in hopes of landing Utah’s Urban Meyer and instead he went to Florida. Got what they deserved in my book. The iffy part of all this is Tyrone being black. And college football is racist. I love it, but it’s one racist sport. There are only 2 out of 117 colleges that have a black coach. In a sport that’s 45% black. Let’s say that again: 2 out of 117. Did I not make myself clear? I’ll say it for again for all you people who swear up and down that I’m being over-reactive and I should just accept things happen. 2 out of 117. Still don’t believe me, I’ll ask IP Sport’s conservative hero; Tom Daniels. And if HE says there is racism in college football, then there is racism in college football.

Me: Is there racism in college football when it comes to hiring head coaches?
Daniels: I honestly am not qualified to answer as I don’t really watch college football.

Shoot. I thought I was onto something there. But still, one has to ask the question if Notre Dame would have broken 80 years of tradition if Ty was a white man. In fact….hold on, Daniels is back.

Daniels: Are there qualified black coaches out there or are they like Denny Green, who is an awful coach but keeps getting hired. Or are there Tony Dungy’s who deserve the job?
Me: Tough call. Only 12 black coordinators too out of 234. The system is SO racist; it can’t even answer your logical and inquisitive question

Anyway, moving on. College football is racist. Not because of the ADs or the presidents. But the alumni. Basically, I’m sure the following has been stated plenty of times in colleges around the world. “You hire a black coach and you’re not getting a new library.” 2 out of 117. A sad state indeed. Moving on to trivial stuff, how about that BCS, eh? Four undefeated teams at the end of the year. Ooops. Guess it didn’t work…again. And the Rose Bowl must be thrilled. Instead of Cal they got Texas. The Rose Bowl has already threatened of leaving the BCS and this is not a good way to keep them around. And if the Rose Bowl leaves, so does the Big Ten and the Pac-10 and the BCS goes POOF! So the question is asked. How could Texas, a team that did not play jump Cal in the rankings when they won. The answer: Texas politicked for it. Hard. They used a sad story to get the writers to cry (they have been dissed by the voters a couple times in the past five years), they exploited an anti-west coast bias that most coaches have, and they probably sent a few call girls to some hotels. And poor, poor Auburn. A team goes undefeated in the BEST conference in college football and no championship game. Maybe they can slaughter Virginia Tech and get a share.

But, there is some college football action to be played this Saturday including

The Division II Championship: Pittsburgh St. vs. Valdosta St. (GA) 4:00/ESPN
The SWAC Championship: Alabama St. vs. Southern 7:00/BET

Let’s talk to Jed

Slayer: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome from the pages of IP Wrestling, Jed Shaffer from Re-Writing the Book! Hello Jed, anything you want to tell the audience of Slayer’s Sports and Stuff before we start?

Jed: Howdy, Slayer fans……I have no idea if I’m gonna be able to hold my own, but damned if I won’t try. Thanks for having me, btw.

ITEM: About 100 topics can be stemmed from this one alone so let’s just stay MLB STEROID SCANDAL. Roll with it.

Jed: Oh, lord, where to begin? I loved Bonds’ “I took steroids unintentionally.” How in the blue hell does someone take a drug unintentionally? “You mean you were shooting me up with steroids? I thought it was Tylenol!” If this doesn’t cause more stringent drug testing to be enacted by the MLB head honchos, the league is going to implode.

Slayer: I don’t the league will implode at all. Everyone knew he was taking steroids before and he was still the most popular baseball player of our time. He alone fills up stadiums. I can’t stand the fact everyone is pretending to act shocked. We all knew!

Jed: Oh, I’m not surprised either. No one gets a consistent home-run tally like Bonds does without some kind of enhancement. But if this is only the tip of the iceberg, the effects on baseball can be disastrous. And doesn’t this call into legitimacy Bonds’ record in the first place?

Slayer: It’s the same deal. Everyone KNEW Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were juiced up in 1998. The players, owners, the fans, everybody. Nobody cared. The difference is to most fans, baseball is a form of entertainment and they want to be entertained.

Jed: Not according to McGwire. He was using “herbal” enhancements. *wink wink* In a sense, I agree that, to the common fan, this won’t matter a damned bit. To the purists, analysts and uber-fanboys though, this is gonna be a storm to end all storms, depending on how far it stretches. But, of course, the players union will insist there’s nothing wrong, and that further drug testing is invasive.

Slayer: They’re ALL Hypocties. I’m not saying it’s right. If they want to make it illegal fine. I’m all for that. But what I won’t do is play this professor of ethics game. I have ROOTED for certain players knowing they were on steroids. SO have these traditionalists, purists, etc. Everyone has rooted for a player knowing they were on steroids. All of a sudden, it’s now EVIL because some prosecutor illegally leaked a grand jury transcript.

Jed: I think we’re all guilty of that. I admit, I was a fan of McGwire. And I’m sure a good majority of football/basketball/baseball/hockey players out there have more juice in them then a Tropicana factory. The problem lies in these idiots who revere athletes like gods and push them as role models. Everyone will decry the drugs, not because they’re detrimental to the players’ health, but because it sets a bad example for kids.

Slayer: Any parent who pushes athletes as a role model is a bad parent…..that was too strong…misguided parent let’s say.

Jed: No argument from me. I think George Carlin said it best: “If your kid needs a role model, and you ain’t it, you’re both f*cked.” Athletes should only be considered role models in the guise of their ability, should the child aspire to be an athlete in that same sport. Wanting to be a good rebounder like Dennis Rodman or a home run king like Bonds is one thing…emulating their off-the-field behavior…yikes.

ITEM: As of now, the Urban Legend is going to the Florida Gators. Notre Dame has egg on their face after their controversial firing of Ty Willingham. Where do you stand on this bizarre love triangle?

Jed: If Florida sees something in Ty Willingham that makes him a desirable acquisition, more power to them. I don’t think a record can be the sole judge of a coach’s ability. Look at Mike Holmgren. Awesome in Green Bay; blew in Seattle.

Slayer: no, no

Jed: no, no?

Slayer: Urban Myer: the head coach of Utah was supposed to go to Notre Dame. Instead he went to Florida..the result was a controversial firing of Ty Willingham whom Urban was supposed to replace….Now Notre Dame has no coach.

Jed: ahh…..sorry…..I’ve only caught bits and pieces of this one on the news

Slayer: maybe if you read up on IP Sports.

Jed: *bows head in sham* I am humbled.

ITEM: Is the NBA going to hell in a hand-basket?

Jed: This one’s coming up because I live in Michigan, isn’t it? I don’t think it’s spiraling into some deep, black abyss of chaos and disorder like some people do. I do think the brawl is a symptom though of an ego-sickness that’s pretty rampant in the NBA.

Slayer: Shaq renounced it!!!! He damned them!

Jed: And he should.

Slayer: Seriously, when has the NBA not been ego-ridden, this is what I don’t get?

Jed: It’s been a long time that I can remember. Usually, there is only a handful of “nice” players. But I think, as time has gone on, many factors have contributed to the egos going from simply huge to out of control. Skyrocketing paychecks, kids coming from high school directly to big paydays (rookie salary cap or not, it’s more money then I’ll make in a lifetime).

Slayer: why do people care how much money they make?

Jed: I’d say there’s two sides to it. 50% of the people are just jealous. Okay, maybe 95%

Slayer: I can be a liberal commie sometimes but I gotta admit, we live in a capitalist market. These players ARE worth that much.

Jed: But are they worth that much for playing a simple game?

Slayer: If we payed people based on merit, teachers and firemen would be billionaires and stockbrokers would be poor.

Jed: Comparatively, how can it be justified that a guy who has proficiency throwing a ball through a hoop make 5000% more then a teacher? And the effect of getting a boatload of money at a young age can corrupt. Imagine if you had a 3.5 mil contract at the age of 18. I’d find it hard not to indulge and become a pompous ass…….any more so then I already am.

Slayer: Some guy splits a company up in 200 pieces, lays of 20,000 jobs, moves them to Indonesia, and gets 10 billion dollars he stashes on the Cayman islands. Some athlete making a few mil….so what? An athlete gets paid 10 million a year. They bring in 50 mil for the team. I’m sorry, it is only RIGHT they get paid that much. Told you i can be a commie.

Jed: I didn’t say the CEO’s deserve what they get, either. They’re just as greedy and capricious {good use on the word capricious}. But a CEO is usually middle-aged. These basketball players are 18, 20, 22, and they come into money that to most everyone else, would be only a fantasy. That kind of thing leads to egos and chest thumping. I’m not saying that alone does it. It’s just a symptom.

Slayer: Ok, I agree there is lack of character building that they miss that is vital when one is in their 20s. But you said it, they shoot a ball through a hoop. Who cares about their character?

Jed: And that lack of character is leading to Ron Artests and Dennis Rodmans and Latrell Sprewells. Well, it’s one thing, anyway.

Slayer: Three people whom the NBA has profited on….thugs sell in basketball. They ALWAYS have,

Jed: And that thug culture seems to have become the norm rather then the exception.

Slayer: Your team, the Detroit Pistons are all complete gentlemen. They weren’t like that back in the Isaiah 80s.

Jed: Is that sarcasm or seriousness?

Slayer: seriousness.

Jed: Rasheed had his moments in Portland. Some BAD moments

Slayer: Rasheed has legitimate issues. That doesn’t count…and he always means well. Rip Hamilton is one of the bigger saints in the NBA.

Jed: Believe me, I live here in the D, and I can’t explain how we got 12 nice guys in one place. Rip, Tayshaun, Chauncy, Big Ben…aside from his role in the brawl…they’re all down-to-earth guys who love the game. That right there may be what’s missing: love of the game.

Slayer: Big Ben is good people. It’s why most of us gave him a pass.

Jed: I’ll admit he had a hand…not to his face, cause I don’t wanna get squashed, but he had a small role. But on the whole, he’s a quality dude who just loves to play.

Slayer: See? YOUR team is a shining example of how the NBA as a thug promotion is all PERCEPTION….and a racist one too. The Spurs, Mavs, Kings, etc. All class acts

Jed: Well, what’s the old saying? One bad apple spoils the whole damned bunch.

Slayer: Exactly.

Jed: One Ron Artest makes everybody look like a friggin’ criminal. And the Rip Hamiltons and Kevin Garnetts and LeBron James of the league don’t deserve it…but these thugs sell tickets.

ITEM: You once told me you hate hockey. You live in Michigan. How can you not love hockey?

Jed: I used to love hockey. I was big into hockey. Then the lockout happened.

Slayer: Are they showing the Best of the Red Wings to hold you over?

Jed: The regional Fox Sports occasionally shows some old games. And Best Of Wings DVDs are pretty big sellers.

Slayer: The team or the sitcom?
Jed: The team. I don’t think there could be a best-of Wings. Two lockouts have just killed my passion for the sport is my problem.

Slayer: You gotta admit, the 1995 50 game round robin season was awesome. And this lockout had to happen, you know that.

Jed: Oh, I know. Bettman is such a little shit, the players could only take so much of his tendencies.

Slayer: Unfortunately for you, Detroit is one of the teams that won’t be better because of it.

Jed: I’ll freely admit, Detroit was on it’s way down into rebuilding mode anyway. We had the oldest players on average. And a payroll that could fund a sequel to Waterworld.

ITEM: Will the tigers win a world series in the next 10 years?

Jed: I think they have a reasonable shot at it. With the way baseball has been so……unpredictable in recent years, it’s possible.

Slayer: The answer is ‘not until Mr. Caesar starts to invest in major players and keep them for more then five years.

Jed: Oh, Mike Illitch is vilified here for not spending as much on the Tigers as he is on the Red Wings.

ITEM: Wrestling sucks. It really really really really sucks. How doe we improve it, Jed, how?????

Jed: Use my columns as templates! Kidding. Really, there is so much that needs fixing in wrestling, it’s hard to pick a starting point.

Slayer: Assuming we don’t have a time machines or live in a David Lynch film of alternate realities….

Jed: For one, the common chant of “new stars” has to be heard.

Slayer: So one BIG guy that captures the current culture (or counter-culture) could do it

Jed: Er, I don’t think just one guy will. Unless it’s someone with something really special…I’m talking Rock-special…I think it’s gonna need a total reevaluation of how the business presents itself. Attitude and Crash TV are played out…people are pushed and de-pushed at random, with no regard for what the fans want…

Slayer: Sounds horrible, why do you watch it then?

Jed: Honestly, I haven’t watched a full episode of Raw since…um…May. Maybe June.

Slayer: One HELL of an admission, Jed…

Jed: I decided a while back that, rather then sit there and torture myself saying “Why isn’t [wrestler] getting the push?” and complaints like that, I’d move on. I watch TNA when I remember to tape it, and while it has it’s problems *coughjarrettcough*, it has plenty of entertaining stuff.

ITEM: Plug what you think your best column is!

Jed: Without a doubt, my first ECW column, Man In a Box. The Shakesperian saga of Tommy Dreamer’s quest for revenge, and how he finds himself empty and lost when he gets what he wants. Tragedy is an artform wrestling has yet to embrace…which is why I did it.

ITEM: Is sex not as fun when you’re married?

Jed: On the contrary. Sex is great. I know what she likes and what she doesn’t. None of that guessing and groping in the dark like a 14-year old.

That’s it! Have a great week everybody!!!!!!!!!!!