Back for another week of spectacularity with a lovely Lita picture just to show how happy I am with her Raw match. Just think about falling and bending like Beckham doing what you do on a daily basis and getting up and finishing it. She is one tough woman.
I’m currently going nuts working tirelessly to get a pretty cool special feature done for you guys. Keep looking at this site through the end of the year, as we’re getting just damn crazy with all the stuff we’re doing.
Since I’m in a giving mood this week, there will be no Mini-Steph or Mini-Russo. I’m going to be nice and give you something good to look at. Mini-Stacy!
On with the show…
Raw 12.06.04 which I happened to do exclusive, uncensored commentary on with PK
-Chris Jericho does The Highlight Reel and everyone gets laid with Hawaiian lays.
-Vince announces the title is vacated; Eric Bischoff will make a decision next week about it, which makes Triple H none too happy.
-Triple H flips out about the title thingie and goes off on Batista about it. Batista subtly (LOUDLY) reminds him that if it weren’t for Dave, Benoit would be champion. He also tells Triple H “YOUR WELCOME”
-Jericho gives Christian a “Captain Charisma” costume to wear for his IC Title match against gun-toting Shelton Benjamin. He also announces he will team with Benoit to take on Triple H and Batista.
-Eugene def. Maven via DQ when Maven wouldn’t stop choking Eugene with his boot in the corner.
-Maven nails Regal with Eugene’s tag title.
-Jericho has a limbo game with the Divas.
Muhammed Hassan rudely interrupts via Tron and says he will be making his debut on Raw next week. Good luck getting a flight.
-Simon Dean def. The Hurricane with a rollup with A HANDFUL OF TIGHTS BY GAWD!
-Edge comes out to get up in Randy Orton’s face, blaming him for Edge being a total loser and not having the title (My commentary, not theirs), They fight and the zebras break it up.
-Shelton Benjamin def. “Captain Charisma” Christian to retain the IC Title. Christian’s costume was hilarious as he had “C” for each ear and look like The Flash.
-Snitsky confronts Lita in the back. He takes her and brings her to a boat club, where he proceeds to kill her and her baby and throw them off a boat…wait sorry. He just reminded her that her baby was dead.
-HHH leaves a message on Bischoffs cell phone threatening him and saying he should be the champion. Batista interrupts and tells Trips it’s a bad move.
-Jericho and Benoit def. Triple H and Batista via DQ because Triple H decided to kill everyone with a chair. Like literally. He nailed Benoit STIFF in the back of the head and nailed the ref too…like real stiff. They each needed staples and paperclips and highlighters to close their heads up. Oh and he missed one and hit Batista too.
-Trish is in the back stretching out for her match. Lita comes out and kisses her, instantly making the main event better than Briana Loves Jenna.
-Lita def. Trish Stratus to win the Women’s Title in a sick match that featured Lita bending like…well like Briana after hitting a tope out on the floor.
THE RAW MEMBRANE
Legally:
-Triple H is guilty of being a little overdramatic. I mean I know you want the title, but Batista is a nice guy with a lot of fire and pizzaz. No need to yell.
-Maven is guilty of assault with a deadly weapon for hitting Regal with the title.
-Muhammed Hassan is guilty of being Arab is America.
-Edge is guilty of inciting a 14-year-old girl riot by fighting with Randy Orton.
-Triple H is guilty of verbal harassment and wasting precious cell phone minutes.
-Triple H is guilty of assault with a deadly weapon for nearly killing everyone in the tag match with the chair.
-Lita is guilty of being one tough bitch for finishing the match after bending like Briana in the main event.
Personally:
-I knew Jericho would be awesome as GM.
-To all the people who wrote me and gave me shit for comment on PK’s report: It was a joke! Here’s the comment, referring to Christian in the Captain Charisma costume: I’m surprised they didn’t have him fly in from the rafters…well that didn’t work out too well last time right? A JOKE! Hey-Zeus Christ!
-Looking forward to Batista killing Triple H. This is coming from someone who likes Triple H too.
-Maven beating up a retard: PRICELESS.
-The Diva Limbo was the only time during Raw that PK and I weren’t talking to each other. That’s scary.
-Simon Dean is officially dead. I hate to say it but he needs to be repackaged.
-I’m really starting to hate Edge. I’m not talking about “Ooooh I wanna buy a ticket to see him get his ass kicked!” hate either.
-Shelton Benjamin has World Champ material written all over him.
-Hey Snitsky, the baby died a while ago, get over it. Lita’s winning titles while you’re still patting yourself more than Barry Horwitz on a winning streak.
-Those chair shots from Triple H were among the most vicious things I’ve seen in a while.
-Just when I thought things couldn’t get uglier with injuries, Lita almost died. With the way she has looked over the past month (DAMN BEAUTIFUL) and with the quality of the match up to that point, I was hoping she’d be ok. Thank God she was.
-The title match with Lita and Trish was, in one word, AWESOME. If the women can produce like that once, why not give them that shot time and time again. Even with just the remaining four of Lita, Trish, Victoria and Molly, you can have some kick ass matches. If not, just throw in Stacy .
Now, after my comments about the TNA skits last week I got a bunch of feedback and actually had a great running session with one of our readers. If you guys want insight, here it is. Steve W’s first email:
The skits on Turning Point last night with the fake Vince and HHH were actually very well done. They were placed in good spots throughout the show and pretty much all of them made me laugh. They worked fantastically as comic relief, which seemed to be largely the point to begin with. And you can’t honestly tell me that WWE wouldn’t have done the exact same thing if things were reversed, because they would have. Actually, they already have. Do you remember Billionaire Ted from 1996? The DX stuff from 1998? The constant references to bait and switch from 1997? Fake Hall and Nash from 1996? I might be able to go on if I thought long enough but I think you get the point. Mocking the other guy is a staple of wrestling as it is today and when it’s done well, like it was in this case, it’s not something that I can see a reason for complaining about.
I will agree with you about TNA’s use of past their prime social security recipients though. I know what they’re trying to do but they’re over doing it. If they kept it to bringing in 1 or 2 older stars for their name value that would have been fine. But why couldn’t they have just kept it to DDP and then maybe went out and found a guy willing to work for them who still actually could? Hall and Nash were a huge mistake, and when Savage came out for that polar tag, [seriously, calling it lukewarm is being really generous] you could hear a pin drop in the arena, which I’m sure wasn’t the reaction that TNA was hoping for. There’s no way they can make Savage the number 1 contender after that unless the plan all along was to kill the company completely dead.
The PpV last night proved once again that TNA has a fantastic talent pool with a lot of guys who could go really far if given the chance but until TNA realizes that 1 or 2 big stars have to be the supporting cast to these up and coming guys who will eventually be their bread and butter, they won’t get anywhere.
He makes a good point…my reponse:
I don’t disagree that the WWE/F has done it in the past. But plain and simple, they were the WWE/F. They were already known and whoever they spoofed they were legitimately competing against. TNA may think they are in heavy competition with WWE, but in reality they are an indy fed that’s done two actual Pay-Per-Views (I don’t count the Wednesday night stuff). If they were WCW and did it I’d have no problem with it. But to think that you are a competitor because you signed Hall, Nash, Savage and DDP is ridiculous. And to do this on the second PPV you’ve done is stupid. They should become competition before they do it. When/if they ever challenge WWE, then they should do it. I guess I was more disturbed by the timing than anything else.
He responded:
I can see your point, but let me ask you a question. How do they go about becoming competition if they’re not already? It seems to me that by default, even if they’re small, they’re competition because they’re the only other organization with PpV on an international stage. They might not be much competition I’ll give you that, but the way things are now they’re competition just the same in my eyes.
But let’s say for a second that we both agree that they aren’t. In your mind, what would they have to do to become competition? What should they do to get themselves noticed, and I mean beyond just putting on solid matches more often than not, because they’ve already got that nailed. And let’s leave out entertaining storylines too just to make this a little harder. I’m talking about generating publicity, even if it’s only a little bit of it. Those WWE skits did what they set out to do, they got people talking. Some enjoyed them and some didn’t but they created a small buzz which is what I think they need to do more of. Should they beat the WWE thing into the ground? No, but I don’t see any problem with doing what TNA did in the way they did it.
Man’s got a point…I respond:
The best thing they can do to become competition is to get a different
timeslot on TV. If need be, go right to Monday nights. I can see your point but I just don’t think that TNA is competition. Whoever they signed out of the “big names” WWE either didn’t want or fired. I see where you’re coming from but I just think that TNA needs to get a different timeslot and showcase the difference between them and WWE: TNA has young, top flight guys who bust tail and not only perform awesome looking moves, but put on great matches when given the opportunity. Showcase that with a better timeslot and money will come in and we have ourselves some competition. I also think that at the end of the day, WWE’s product could be 10 times better but they are resting on their laurels because they don’t have to worry about going out of business. Believe me, as a stockholder I’ve heard more lame ass excuses in Linda’s conference calls for the downturn of business than most people. I hope to God TNA becomes competition because I want craziness like 98 all over again.
Steve W’s response:
Ok, so now that we pretty much agree, we’re down to how do they get that Monday night timeslot when nobody seems to want to take a chance on wrestling these days? That will be the one thing other than their own stupid signing and booking decisions that holds TnA back at this point. If no network will take you, there’s no show and if you’re not WWE and not proven, then no network will take you, that’s pretty much a given right now.
I respond:
The best way for them to get that timeslot is to show their product off to Spike and USA when WWE is negotiating their new contract. With the caveat of being cheaper for the network but providing better action, they could actually do two things: 1. Get themselves a Monday slot and 2. Lower WWE’s bargaining power and in turn make WWE lose money…now that’s better than some skits any day of the week.
Hevia’s Note: I personally don’t want WWE to lose money. If they do then I do.
So think about it guys, what is stopping TNA from dialing up Spike or USA when Raw’s contract comes up and saying “Hey, before you blow a bunch of money on them, why don’t you just check out the tape we sent you.” Don’t you think that Spike or USA will either a) Lower their offers to WWE with the caveat that they have this little guy with crazy high flyers and some older, bigger names or b) Sign TNA outright to challenge WWE wherever they go and take their 3.0 per week with a smile? I think so. Let’s have a war.
Smackdown 12.09.04
You guys are gonna rip me a new one after I promised I wouldn’t miss it last week and missing it this week. Well I’m sorry. I’m at the mercy of Inside Pulse as I work on this special feature and I always do stuff with my firehouse on Thursday nights. I will try and get my VCR back in order and tape it weekly and piss my girlfriend off by making her watch it with me on the weekends. So for this week all I will say is that I am happy that Rey and RVD won the tag belts because they were on my fantasy team, where I am placed 207 right now. So I’m happy.
Armaggeddon 12.12.04
-RVD and Rey def. Kenzo and Rene
-Kurt Angle def. Santa Claus…wait, did I just write that?
-Puder def. The Miz in a Dixie Dog Treat Puppy Chow Chow match.
-The BashAM Bros. def. Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas.
-John Cena def. Hey-Zeus
-Dawn Marie def. Miss Jackie, which prompts Charlie Haas to admit to having an affair with Dawn and then calling Dawn a slut.
-Big Show def. Team Angle with an F-5 on Jindrak…F-5?
-Funaki def. Spike Dudley
-JBL def. Booker T with The Clothesline from Wall Street to retain in the fatal four way.
Legally
-It’s a PPV, really nothing illegal happens. Well, Charlie is guilty of being as retarded as Eugene. I would’ve taken the Tommy Dreamer “I’ll take ’em both!” stance from ECW. Then again I’m a whore.
Personally
-Thank God they didn’t take the belts of RVD and Rey right away. I had them on fantasy.
-Hey-Zeus was pretty much killed by Cena. He should’ve stabbed him in the kidney.
-Kurt Angle def. Santa Claus as I’m decorating the tree at my firehouse. That’s just f*cked up.
-The Miz getting in as much offense as he did boils down to a conversation Al Snow had to have had with Puder earlier that went something like this: “Please don’t” “Fine, I won’t”
-Apparently no BashAM has used Holly’s car recently.
-Big Show + F-5 = Brock is on his way back.
-FUNAKI! Numbah one. Tlasitionar Champion!
-Just get the title of JBL already! He’s like Smackdowns Triple H with 25% the talent.
This pisses me off
Randy Savage has bolted from TNA…again. Savage, don’t come back. The fact that you actually had the nerve to demand to be put over for the title when the fans obviously didn’t even care about you at Victory Road is deplorable. Just stay home and make another rap album. Put in a tape of you against Steamboat and realize you will NEVER be that good again. End it now. Jackass.
Plugging It In
– Roundtable For Armaggeddon . See how we did.
– Blatt Part two of four on the year that was for Raw.
– Colin and Christie of Amazing Race debut for us.
– Dane Cook He is one silly bitch.
– Triple H’s workout book is a pretty good read and has some good formulas for going after a better body. And before you say it, no he doesn’t advise using steroids.
– Go see Ocean’s 12…good flick…here, Fandango it .
The Crown Of Thorns: Raw 12.13.04
-Bischoff will return and make an Elimination Chamber for New Year’s Revolution or whatever between Triple H, Benoit, Jericho, Orton, Edge, and Batista.
– Maven will find new creative ways to f*ck with Eugene
-The Divas will be in a much lesser role than recently.
-Orton and Edge will have a decent match, not as good as Trish vs. Lita.
– Lita will find a new challenger for her title. Victoria maybe…I hope.
-The Rock will make a surprise appearance…I hope.
The Crown Of Thorns: Smackdown 12.16.04
-What they do with the title belt right now is a toss up. JBL’s has defeated everyone. Maybe bring Brock back.
-Rey and RVD will defend the titles awesomely…dude.
-Charlie Haas will be in the same mental hospital Heidenreich was in, rocking back and forth, saying “Why Shelton and not me” over and over.
-Teddy Long will say “PLAYA!” at least 4 times.
-John Cena will challenge Carlito for the Royal Rumble.
Comment
To those of you who sent me mail chastising me for stealing Trish away from Hyatte: He doesn’t own her. She’s a human being! (SNIFF SNIFF, Wipe away tear ) She’s a really great woman and she shoudn’t be treated like a piece of meat. You’re so insensitive! Besides, I had to make splash moving to Mondays. I’m going to go hug Trish now… BELEE DAT!
Drinking Game
Every time Teddy Long says “Belee Dat!”, “Playa!” or “Holla!” you do a shot of vodka.
Think About This
What if they had a Diva hit Victoria over the head with a chair, like real stiff. Keep her off TV for two weeks and have her come back as the psycho. Awesome right?
What if Brock Lesnar came back and took the title from JBL on Smackdown this week? Cool right?
What if The Rock came back and was allowed to talk for like 20 minutes and he announces he’ll be around for the next year? Great right?
What if Stacy Keibler showed up at your door and asked you to marry her? Hot right?
What if this column had to end now because it’s about damn time and your boss is over your shoulder and has seen all the Mini-Stacy’s? Oh shit right?
Full credit to the artist of this cartoon. I just thought it was hilarious and put it up to celebrate Muhammed Hassan’s debut. For all those offended by that comment, IT’S A JOKE!
Out like the fat kid in dodgeball, enjoy your respective weeks.
-Hevia
