Hey everybody, let me first – before we get to the pay-per-view – hear the story of what I’ve done to make sure I did get to do this. If you don’t care, please move right along to the first match.
First off, it was going to be a Monday Night Rabble report – something I’ve been working on, where me and my standard Monday Night pro-wrestling buddies watch the show, and I toss in the witty quips and quotes from me and my friends. Well one of the MNR was sick, and it was his house that we usually watch these things. So I decided I’d have it at my house – but due to one of my roommates not paying the bill.. I literally showed up at my girlfriend’s house (The beautiful Dani) with the show 10 minutes in.
I do it for you. I’m James Hatton, writer for the Comic’s section, and welcome to the first ever – Monday Night Rabble, even though we were a bit quieter during this show so I left in some flavor quotes from Michael Cole that reeked of unintentional humor. Oh, and it’s not Monday.
Given this is my first report with wrestling, hell, maybe my last – I literally wrote everything while the show was going on, so the reactions are as true as I can give them. In the future, I might write notes and then give you a shorthand review to maximize the snarkiness – this time, you get some pure blow by blow action.
WELCOME TO THE BEGINNING OF WHERE THE END IS NEAR! *gag*
ROB VAN DAM & REY MYSTERIO vs. KENZO SUZUKI & RENE DUPREE
Tag Team Titles
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The match starts out, and might I say that Rey looks a whole lot more like the Gimp from Pulp Fiction than the true little Spinny Guy that we know and love.
It starts with Kenzo and RVD, and a tag brings in Rey with the ‘420’ which is apparently a reference to smoking your opponent, as it looks so good. Suzuki gets up and hurls Rey into the corner, making the lil guy bounce. A tag to Dupree and Rey’s in trouble. If you pay attention, it seems like Dupree and Suzuki might have supposed to have come into this as the champs – Tazz and Cole are making mistakes right and left about who actually HAS the titles. A failed 619 gets the boys all hanging out on the outside of the ring apron, an amazing batch of high spots leads to Dupree in a lot of trouble. Every move you would want Rey and RVD to be able to perform together. Dupree finally gets a bit of reaction with a beautiful dropkick sends RVD down.
The frantic pace of these four guys is fairly hard to keep track of so, I apologize for how scattered that opening paragraph seems. Let’s try and catch up.
“Have you noticed that EVERYTHING is a spin kick to Cole? Front spinkick, back spinkick, flying hurricanrana spinkick! Shut up Cole!” – Eric G. in one of his 50 ‘Shut Up Cole’ rants.
Rey catches Suzuki in the corner, they crawl over the top rope and Dupree grabs Rey by the neck and bounces him off of the top rope with a neat modified Stun Gun. Rey is caught with the bad guys in the corner, and Dupree gets tagged in. A dropkick to Rey’s head and a pin for two. Rey is held and beaten down with some classic style heel tag team work. Taunting RVD so they can get some extra beatdown time, long drawn out holdspots and chokes when nobody’s looking. Suzuki catches a two count on Rey. We get the slow and drawn out hot tag, and after two or three attempts, we are finally greeted with Mister ‘Insert Night Here’ Night, RVD is craaaazy.
Flying press and a two count from van Dam to Dupree. In comes Reyrey to 619 both Suzuki and Dupree, which sets Van Dam for the frogsplash for them to retain.
Winner: Reyrey & RVD
Out comes Kurt, and he’s brought Johnny Law. Eric later explained to me that this was due to him bringing out his real Gold Medals, which is a neat touch to say the least. Kurt’s inviting his opponent for tonight to come down to the ring and who is it XANTA KLAWS!!! Oh, dammit, no just the actual Santa. I will argue which is worse on another date.
KURT ANGLE vs. SANTA CLAUS
No Apparent Reason
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They shake hands, and Kurt has decided to first talk to Claus. Apparently, Kurt is pissed at Kris Kringle because his daughter doesn’t want to see Kurt, or talk about Kurt – she wants to talk about Santa. So to show his daughter who the real hero is, Kurt is going to kill Christmas incarnate. A quick go-behind and an Angle Slam and Santa has tapped out to the Ankle Lock… the crowd apathy is tangible. Sadly, another OVW guy gets his official TV time.
Winner: Kurt Angle
We move onto a recap of all of the Tough Enough recaps, with dramatic music and everything. Having never seen any of that, I would like to go back and watch all of the outfits Torrie wore over the past weeks, but past that I’ll be more interested when we see one of these guys dressed up in an Easter Bunny outfit for March’s PPV.
Al Snow joins us in the commentary booth, and sadly.. Cole keeps talking.
Commissioner Teddy Long comes out to get people to join the catchphrase dujour (Holla x3) because “The End Is Near” is sooooo last year.
Daniel Puder (UFC) vs. Mike Mizanin (THE REAL WORLD)
Dixie Dog Fight
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So hearing that one member is from the UFC and the other is from THE REAL WORLD, I have to say that this is probably the most realistic television ever since they are both meeting on a show about pro-wrestling. They’ve got trainers, and the boxing commissioner, and if you’ve been a fan for awhile, you are hoping that this turns into a Butterbean like disaster. Mizanin comes out swinging, but Puder’s punches are a whole lot cleaner and solid. Round two starts with Mizanin running in once again all willy nilly, but Puder catches him with a rabbit punch that we are told by boxing officionado Michael Cole, would normally have caused a DQ.
Watching them in the corner after Round Two, it’s very obvious that Pudin knows what’s doing – and Mizanin’s doing his damndest to not fall down. By the end of Round Three, Mizanin doesn’t know what the hell is going on, his hands are down at his sides and you can just see that one good hit would drop him.
“As you all can see, this match has WENT the distance…” – Teddy Long, true ruler of the English language.
Teddy Long comes in and given that both are standing, he lets the fans vote, and Puder gets it. Snow comes into get some commentary, and realizes this is a bad idea since they both seem to have no idea what the hell is going on.
WINNER: Daniel Puder
Behind the scenes, the standard fatal four-way dissention begins as Guerrero and Booker laugh at how they can beat each other up. Then realize that it’s probably better to just take out the Undertaker … who is of COURSE standing right behind them.
THE BASHAM BROS. vs. CHARLIE HAAS & HARDCORE HOLLY
Because the show was too short.
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This is an unscheduled match, and I don’t even know if it has any precident in storyline – so let’s just watch.. shall we? Holly starts in the ring with… the.. er… bald guy. Basic exchanges with various tags back and forth, and honestly nothing interesting until Charlie Haas is in there. Just watching him makes me not be upset that I don’t know what’s going on in the ring – the man knows what he’s doing. Basham’s are also showing me that they are pretty not bad, doing old school tag team tactics of keeping Haas away, seperating the ring. It’s honestly that basic tag team psychology that is missing these days.
And in the most lackluster ending ever, Dawn Marie & Jackie come down, Haas seperates them and the Basham’s roll up a distracted Holly for the win.
“Hardcore Holly is hot.” – Cole… showing his love of men in the ring.
WINNER: The Basham Bros.
We get to see the new promo for the Royal Rumble, and I have to say that it both amuses me, and confuses me about my sexuality.
We get to watch the entire lead up to the Cena/Carlos/Jesus issue with odd gregorian chanting –
JOHN CENA vs. JESUS
US World Title Streetfight
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John Cena comes down not only with his new, overly witty shirt “RUCK FULES!” and he’s turned the US title into, if you ask Michael Cole, a record player of some sort. If you ask Taz, a turntable, and if you ask me – looks like a spinner hubcap. Either way, it’s different!
Match starts with Cena going nuts on Jesus, and even after a hit from a kendo stick – he goes even MORE nuts, proving rap music causes violence. Sorry, easy joke. Cena beats Jesus until the kendo stick breaks. Some mindless violence outside the ring leads them to the in the crowd area where Jesus gets broken open, eats some HUGE stiff boot and goes stomping off into the audience. I can already hear the parental council screaming about Cena drinking a sip of some fan’s beer. Alcohol imbibement AND rap music equal violence. The two climb the steps and it looks like Cena is going to try and send Jesus over a guardrail to the sickest fall in a while, but Carlito causes a distraction and they head back to the ring area.
“Cena’s got something steel, or maybe metal…” Cole on metallurgy.
Cena beats Jesus with some basic hardcore elements, sets him up for the F-U and that is that. Cena doesn’t get an ounce of resistance from Jesus, and Carlito doesn’t even help. Cena gets his big chain back, which apparently gives him his Samson like power – as the minute he’s wearing it.. he’s smiling and happy.
WINNER: John Cena
Behind the scenes, Haas and Miss Jackie talk about their engagement, they make cutie cuddle woowoofaces at each other and we get seconds of hot tongue action. Why? I repeat… Why?
DAWN MARIE vs. JACKIE GAYDA
Charlie Haas as Special Guest Ref
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The match starts with exchanged slaps and Miss Jackie is throwing Dawn Marie around for awhile. Then, in an amusing spot the girls start rolling around the mat and over Charlie Haas. Jackie grabs Dawn for a roll-up, Dawn reverses it and Haas counts it.
Jackie freaks out, Charlie admits to his affair with Dawn Marie and ditches Jackie. As he seems about ready to propose to Dawn Marie – he calls her a slut and ditches them both. Ahh, Vinnie Mac, it is so apparent you love the ladies.
WINNER: Not the fans, that’s fer damn sure. DAWN MARIE
KURT ANGLE & MARK JINDRAK & LUTHAR REIGNS vs. BIG SHOW
Three On One
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Tag team rules for this match, which seem a bit more fair. We start the match with Jindrak in the ring flirting with the Big Show, and finally when the tie-up happens, Big Show literally throws Jindrak around like a dead baby. Thankfully he throws him right into a tag from Luther Reigns. Just as expected, Big Show takes him apart too, and brings in Jindrak because beating one of them up just doesn’t seem like it’s enough. After Jindrak & Reigns get the upper hand, they tag in Angle and it seems that finally the bad guys have the upper hand.
Tags in and out, lead to Angle trying to get Big Show to tap out, Show stands up with Angle still attached – Angle though outsmarts and chokes the hell out of him.
“Oh my god, it looks like he’s being born” – Bill, on what Big Show looks in a chin lock.
The beatings continue, until out of nowhere, Show gets an upper hand and all carnage starts to reign as no more tags exist, just mindless beatings on the Big Show. Angle gets the slam, and the Ankle Lock unsuccessfully. Big Show runs rampant and clears the ring, leaving Jindrak to be F-500’d (shh.. it’s really just an F5) and wins it.
WINNER: THE BIG SHOW
Behind the scenes, Funaki, the #1 Commentator interviews the #1 Contender for the Cruiserweight belt… FUNAKI! A hysterical bit leads us into this match.
FUNAKI vs. SPIKE DUDLEY
Cruiserweight Championship
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Might I say that before we get into the match, Spike’s beard goes down to legendary status with guys like Jim Neidhardt and Alan Moore. Match starts tepid, honestly. Funaki gets the upperhand and they are pushing him a lot in this match … meaning he won’t win. He gets Spike into the corner, and Funaki hits him with some of the strongest fists I’ve seen in awhile. They fight up to the top turnbuckle, and Spike lets him go, throwing him to the outside and Funaki goes face first to the mat and looks like it might have knocked the wind out of them.
Spike brings him in and holds him in an abdominal stretch – Funaki catches him with a hip toss, but not enough to keep Spike down. They fight back and forth with Funaki finally getting the upper hand. An amazing move as Funaki catches Spike into the tree of woe, he climbs to the top and leaps down as Spike is sitting up, bouncing off of his chest. Kudos for that, as it looked vicious. Funaki gets a flying crossbody, stops a Dudley Dog, and an exchange of pins back and forth actually doesn’t end in a stalemate… FUNAKI WINS!
Funaki, the happiest greatest number one Crusierweight Champion goes and thanks Tazz, Cole, and the Spanish Announce table. I missed out whether the crowd was elated, because I was.
WINNER: FUNAKI!!!!
Might I say that Armageddon has the worst song ever. I don’t mind the Creed songs they’ve used. I don’t mind the Limp Bizkit. I don’t mind when they had Liberace.. but the fact is if I have to hear ‘THE ENNND ISSSS NEAAAAARRR’ one more time, I’m going to skin a cat and mail it to them with a note attached to it’s face that says ‘YOU’. Because seriously ..bad.
The Office of JBL meet up backstage before his match as he says good-bye to his belt. John takes the long long walk to where.. sadly – the end is kinda close.
BOOKER T vs. EDDIE GUERRERO vs. THE UNDERTAKER vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
World Championship Fatal Fourway
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Oddly enough, they give us JBL coming at first so Undertaker’s entrance doesn’t get interrupted. I went outside, had a cigarette and came back in time to miss all of the entrances. Ah, the things I do for cancer.
Match starts off with Undertaker clearing house, JBL slides in and pins Booker T which the ref misses for a good 10 seconds before he counts the two. JBL gets chased around for awhile by Taker and when he slides in he is pingponged around by the three challengers. The match splits off to Booker and Taker on the outside, and JBL taking it to Eddie in the ring. JBL gets a two count on Eddie as Booker comes in and starts teaming up to take down Layfield. Booker goes for a pin, and is stopped by Eddie. Taker finally makes his way back in, big sideslam for a pin, and Guerrero stops it. Taker goes after Booker for a pin, and Layfield stops it.
Undertaker brings JBL outside and takes him to the ringsteps – Eddie leaps on Taker’s back, Taker slams him down in time for Booker to superkick Taker. JBL capitalizes and tries to pick up Taker for a powerbomb, but a back bodydrop from Undertaker stops it. UT decides to bring a random wrestler into the ring, and Eddie is your opponent of choice. Tosses Eddie against the ropes and catches with a huge back bodydrop. Quickly the rest of the wrestlers make their way into the ring and Taker and Guerrero leave, letting Booker T get beat on by JBL for awhile. A pin is stopped by Eddie, and once AGAIN Taker comes in and starts destroying all that come in his way.
Taker has once again chosen Eddie to be his victim and he continues to decimate him until JBL comes out of nowhere to drop him with an outside ‘Clothesline from Hell’. JBL comes into the ring with his victim, Booker, and starts choking him out .. and that’s when things get intteresting as Guerrero brings out the ladder. Before coming into the ring he whacks Taker with it flat. JBL drops Eddie before he comes in the ring, and Booker finally gets his moment to shine with sidekicks to everyone and a Scissor Kick to Eddie looks like it’s going to make the win… with 2! A hair’s breadth kickout and Booker goes outside for some reason and ends up taking out the announcer table as JBL slams him down with NO breakage – and then a dropping elbow to send him through it. Undertaker grabs JBL and a Last Ride drops him down onto the Spanish Announcers table leaving us with two men that have been at it all match… Taker and Eddie.
Eddie, playing possum gets caught in the Tombstone, reverses – gets hit with the Last Ride. The title which has ended up in the ring, gets grabbed – Taker picks him up again and WHAM! Belt to the face. Guerrero follows up with TWO splashes. And ONLY TWO!?!?! WHAT?!?!
“The end is near, the beginning is just about to happen” Tazz on philosphy.
Eddie grabs the ladder from outside, sets it up, HUGE splash from the top of the ladder and 1.. 2… there is no way this could not be – JBL GRABS THE REF! Eddie slams Undertaker outside the ring with the ladder and makes the tease that he’s going to leap from ring to outside – but JBL comes in to stop it, but Guerrero catches him and hits the Three Amigo Suplexes, and a pin that Booker stops, a pin from Booker that Taker stops and Taker is the ONLY man standing in the ring.
Taker grabs JBL and this should be the end but Heidenreich comes in and stops the tombstone piledriver that would have ended the match – hits Undertaker with one of the most vicious finishers that I’ve seen in a long time and everyone’s down. JBL crawls around pinning anything he can for 2… Undertaker sits up, Heidenreich pulls him out and puts him into a modified sleeper. Inside JBL hits Booker with the Clothesline from Hell and gets 3.
WINNER: JBL
In closing, let me say that the show was actually not bad. Not knowing anything about current Smackdown feuds, I had none of the past weeks of the show to hold my opinion back. The last match was actually one of the better Fatal Fourways I’ve seen in recent memory. I would have preferred a four-way dance, but who wouldn’t, really? The SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT ending aside – it was what we all expected… but as you can see from above, there was alot to say about it.
Hope you enjoyed and I would LOVE to see your emails about this show. Let me personally thank Dani for coming through in the clutch and Bill, Laura, and Eric G. for joining us on this wacky adventure in WWE Land. G’night everyone.
