The Midnight News 12.13.04

Regarding your comment: “you want a straight up alternative to the WWE? Make the X-Division the ONLY division, keep that no talent WAAAY over his head moron Jeff Jarrett behind the scenes…QUIT digging up every possible “star” that Vince didn’t re-hire, and slowly, verrrrry slowly, develop the unknowns into something that might resemble a star……”

You just described ROH. I don’t disagree with your comments but TNA, but when you make the ‘I don’t watch ROH, who gives a f*ck about ROH’ comments, you start to sound like a hypocrite. Just wanted to mention that…

Cliff Rancho

No, I just dsound ignorant… which is what I am when it comes to a company that offers NO exposure to the mainstream other than videotapes that aren’t exactly widely advertised.

ROH is as underground as it gets, and I am too lazy to grab a shovel.

All I want to say is even though the IWC is going bleak and is slowly dying away, and so seems the direction of your own column, please PLEASE keep at it. Keep pissing them off, keep knocking them off their high horses, keep making them understand their position in life. That’s what you’re for. That’s why you’re here. That’s why you didn’t die when Scoops did.

Hell Eats Cheese

Thanks… but your name SUCKS… and is really wrong… I mean, EVERYONE knows that Satan is lactose intolerant, and therefore is INABLE to eat cheese.

Chris: I never really read a lot of your columns until you did some guest work on Scotsmanality, but let me tell you, you’ve got yourself a loyal reader now. This week’s column was absolutely stellar, and that Springsteen Mad Libs part had me pissing myself.

I hope all this “burning out” and falling off stuff is just a bit, because I honestly think you’re getting funnier the more I read.

Keep up the good work, man.

-Dan

Heh, poor Dan… you hitched a ride just as it’s about to end.

Hi, just wanted to ask you, when will the REAL Hyatte come back ?

Jeff

When the REAL readers start paying me REAL money, asshole. You douchebags have a lot of balls bitching about free work here.

Hey Ham&Eggers, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. We have a PPV recap… annnd… umm…. BOX OFFICE…. annnd… err…. yeah.

No, I got stuff… just not a lot… here ya go and all that:

ARM-A-NOT-GETTING-IT

Hey look, a WWE PPV that does NOT feature Triple H!

Yes, it’s a rare month in the business as Smackdown actually gets its own PPV all to itself!!

So, of course, within moments after ending, pretty much ALL of the Net folks went ahead and deemed it ther single worst piece o’ PPV shit that was ever produced…. because NO ONE remembers anything WCW put out… or that little clusterf*ck known as “Heroes of Wrestling”… or the TNA PPV that JUST PLAYED A WEEK AGO… oh no… THIS was the worst PPV EVER… IN HISTORY

So, because I am often accused of just existing to say the exact opposite of everyone else (I’m SUCH a rebel)… I decided to just go with the flow and BITCH… just like everyone else…. yup… this’ll get me net respect… For the following recap, I will be MISTER NEGATIVE! I hope you cocksuckers appreciate it…

RVD & Rey Mysterio vs Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree: (Tag belts)

Ugh… isn’t it hight time Vince WAKES UP AND MAKES RVD THE MAIN EVENT!!! And when will he realize that the REAL fans DEMAND that Rey Mysterio get a main event push and pin HHH, Undertaker, Angle, The Big Show, Randy Orton, and Lita AT THE SAME TIME!! Then McMahon will FINALLY be on the right track!

Suzuki and Dupree should just… DIE. They are no good and are taking away time from QUALITY wrestlers like Paul Britain and Billy Kidding, Man

The winners were whoever didn’t order this show.

Kurt Angle vs Santa Claus

Angle should just go away now. He’ll never be like Flair and he’s bringing moral down by going out there and not breaking his neck like the high flyers because he already broke his neck! Waste of time and shame on the WWE for trotting this bum out and wasting our time

Daniel Puder vs Mike Miz… something: Tough Enough tough guy boxing shoot.

Who cares what the guy’s name is… PUDER IS A SHOOT FIGHTER AND BITCHSLAPPED KURT ANGLE!!!!!! PUDER IS BIGGER THAN HULK HOGAN AND STEVE AUSTIN AND THE ROCK COMBINED!!! PUDER CAN SAVE THE WWE!!! PUDER CAN SAVE US ALL!!!!

Miz-f*ckhim actually made it for 3 rounds without being KILLED by Puder!!! God, they don’t even do real SHOOTS in this company anymore!! Anyone with half a Observer subscription knows that Puder once made Mike Tyson bend over and shove a 9 iron up his own ass!! What typical WWE BULLSHIT!!! DAMN YOU, MCMAHON!!

The Bashams vs Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas

Who cares? Holly is just McMahon’s ball sniffer anyway! Wait ’til he tries any of his nonsense on PUDER! Anyone with any sense went online and made 19 posts on 3 message boards during this match!

John Cena vs Jesus: US title, streetfight

Cena can’t put anyone over and can hardly put himself over. Jesus wouldn’t last 10 seconds against quality Japanese wrestlers like Kendo Krapasaki and Meso Ho Nee. Plus Cena can’t wrap like J. Zee and Ludacrisp. Cena won, of course, because someone in the company has the nerve to thinks he appeals to the kids! Dumb, clueless white boys!

Miss Jackie vs Dawn Marie:

Why are girls in wrestling asnyway? Does Vince and Stephanie really think people will watch scantily clad hotties with big boobs rolling around on the mat? If they HAVE to do it, why not just keep the women on Raw and let Smackdown feature pureso workers? If they did that, they would see the ratings for SD soar and the Raw ratings CRUMBLE… and everyone knows that HHH would NEVER allow that to happen! BAH, TRIPLE H SUCKS, MAN!!

The Big Show vs Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns, and Mark Jindrak:

In protest, I popped in my Best of Chris Benoit on my DVD and downloaded Best of ECW on my computer and watched them both at the same time. Then I went to the DVD board and read Dean Rassamuffinf*ck talk about how he partied with a good book and a little Mozart on Friday night with his Mother. That Dean knows how to put Mozart over better than any one of these four bums!

Spike Dudley vs Sho Funaki: Cruiserweight title

I can name about 10 million workers who can do a better job than these two… and why did they only get ten minutes? A good cruiserweight match should run 80 minutes at the LEAST… and what’s with all this SELLING? Do an insane bump, act hurt for 5 seconds, then get up and do another one. THAT’S how to work! God, I’ve been watching wrestling from my loungechair at home for 4 years… I KNOW my shit!

JBL vs Booker T vs Eddie vs Undertaker: Fatal Four Way for the WWE title

At this point, I turned the TV off. I mean, okay, JBL is starting to amuse me and win me over… A LITTLE… and Eddie is Eddie, no matter how f*cked up oin drugs he is… and I SHOULD support Booker because he is a black man and I want to relate to the dude who sits at the back of my school bus… but the Undertaker is so BAD… I mean… it’s the Undertaker! He doesn’t draw! He’s never drawn! He sucks! He’s the worst!

The only thing that could’ve saved this match is to have Benoit do the run-in and win everything…. but no, they had Heidenreich run in… without Paul Heyman! Why can’t Heyman be world champ? At least he KNOWS how to put theright people over! Fucking McMahon! I’ll NVER order another PPV again… until Jan 9th.

Why am I even a fan again? I better write to Scott Keith so he can tell me what to think.

There’s yer recap. Not bad for a guy who didn’t actually SEE it.

By the way, JBL IS over… dunno how he got over, but damn if he ain’t.

Let’s move on…

DREAMING OF FEINSTEIN

You won’t see CM PUNK in the WWE anytime soon!

No, not because he’s a PUNK… ho ho ho, you silly kids, you… no, it’s because he is Gabe Sakoplosky (or something to that effect) ‘s right hand ROH man… the Merlin to Gabe’s Arthur, the Tom Hagen to Don Corleone, the Flea to Hyatte, the Hyatte’s tongue to the Stratus’s anus…

and BEING Gabe’s right hand, CM Punk was the first to make frequent and delightful jabs at Rob Feinstein’s little situation, even going so far as to wear a Perverted Justice t-shirt at shows and such…

So, who would’a thought… in a BILLION YEARS, that Tommy Dreamer, one of Feinstein’s bestest buddies (and he’s STRAIGHT, too!!) would find himself with a little bit of stroke in the WWE…. Dreamer! Maybe the worst, least over outside of the Bingo hall, wrestler EVER would have the power to keep Punk OUT of the company!

Well that’s EXACTLY what happened! Dreamer is keeping CM Punk out of the WWE in HONOR of his friend Rob Feinstein…

Boy, I bet CM Punk didn’t see that coming AT ALL!!

Heh… who would’ve!

Wrestling is a whacky business… where else can someone like Tommy Dreamer get some Management respect while, at the same time, his former boss, Paul Heyman, is officially Vince’s resident “Jew to be messed with”

Oh, and I have more on Feinstein later in the column! Stay tuned!

MELTZER IS BIGGER THAN JESUS

He is Dave Meltzer.

YOU, moron that you are, listen to every word he says and take it as GOSPEL

He is your God

The problem is… Meltzer is an IDIOT.

FROM THE WRESTLING OBSERVER NEWSLETTER – 12.6.04

Billy Spears, a veteran 70’s heel in the Alabama territory, recently passed away but we don’t have any details on it. He passed away in early November at the age of 72 Spears was a good talker whose feud with Ricky Gibson during the 70’s was considered one of the best in the history of Gulf Coast Wrestling, which predated Southeastern Championship Wrestling and Continental Championship Wrestling in that part of the country.

As an interesting trivia note, during the first ever match with Andre the Giant vs. Terry “The Hulk” Boulder, which took place in either 1978 or 1979 and drew a legit sellout crowd (which led to Boulder getting a job with Jim Barnett in Atlanta, which gave him the exposure to where Vince McMahon Sr. picked him up), Boulder’s manager at the time was Spears.

Spears was scheduled to appear for the new Continental nostalgia promotion in the near future and his death was announce on 11/27. His name has nothing to do with the Beatles song “Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band”. which mentions a Billy Spears and would have come out about the same time he was a regional top name heel

There you go… pretty intersting news item, huh? Fitting, efficient, yet respectful obituary, right?

Yeah… oh, except for one little thing…

THE NAME IN THE BEATLES SONG IS BILLY SHEARS!!!

NOT SPEARS, SHEARS!!

NOT EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING WORLD CAN BE CONNECTED TO WRESTLING, YOU DELUDED COCKSUCKERS!!!!!

THIS is your God??? A guy who obviously is so wrapped up in a FAKE SPORT that he thinks the BEATLES were RASSLIN’ FANS AND DROPPED RASSLER NAMES?????

Maybe one of the top ten most influential, greatest songs EVER from EASILEY the most influential BAND ever and Meltzer can’t get the WORDS right!!

Oh… my… f*cking… WORD

Heh… your God… the man who can do no wrong.

Ya know what, you marks DESERVE Dave Meltzer… yeah, its a PERFECT fit.

MORONS

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Top five ten, no, FIVE movies of the week, daddio!!

1) Ocean’s Twelve: $40.8 million opening weekend. The first film came out after 9-11 and America FLOCKED to it for the escapism… it was HOLLYWOOD to the rescue!! Zoolander came out around this time too, because Ben Stiller thought that HIS movie was what America needed to learn how to laugh again. No one was laughing.

I decided that I don’t care much for Brad Pitt… OR Catherine Zeta Jones… and Bernie Mac just ain’t that funny… I like Clooney, though. Clooney is cool. I’d let him f*ck my woman.

2) Blade: Trinity: $16.1 million ($24.5 million total). It’s so f*cking DOPEY seeing “Triple H” on the marquee… I mean, at least “The Rock” is a sort of cool name, like “Vin Diesal”… “Triple H” is just… gay!!

Now Hunter is up for the role of King Conan… saying: “That’s an awesome franchise if they want me to get involved in it, I will, it’d be a thrill“… bitch PLEASE, Hunter and his in-laws are so desperate for a movie star who’ll never leave wrestling that he’d say the same thing about taking over the Ernest Goes To…” franchise from the late Jim Varney. Conan hasn’t been any sort of franchise for about 20 years.

Is Blade the only character Wesley Snipes plays anymore? Didn’t he used to be a Shakespearen-trained actor?

3) National Treasure: $9.9 million ($124.4 million total). That Nic Cage… he’s like a prickly pear, with a hair weave that’s borderline Shatnerish!!

4) The Polar Express: $9.7 million ($110 million total) It’ll be a cold day in HELL when I let bloated billionaire Tom Hanks tell ME what Christmas is all about, goddamn him!!

5) Christmas with the Kranks: $5 million ($54.7 million total) Wanna see what a sold soul looks like? Just follow the career of Tim Allen… he used to be a rough-edged everyman comic who cleaned up his act and handed it over to the sanitized clean-it-up-for-the-family folks at Disney… the only known star who whored his ass out for the mainstream in a more obvious fashion was that piece of shit Jay Leno.

In gossip news… he ain’t no kid no mo’… and he’s got the middle-aged gut to go with the middle-aged, freshly lifted face… but all in all, Kurt Russell don’t look that bad for an old fart. Nice, bleached-white, fat ass

On the other hand, his woman Goldie Hawn has finally jobbed out to gravity! We all do, kids… but women REALLY get hammered from the fight. Remember that next time a pretty girl mocks you…. she ain’t gonna be laughing at ANYONE ten years from now!

FINALLY… for anyone who think Pink is hot… whoa, what has she been eating? Looks like she’s coming out so you better get the buffet started.

Pink is another one… every time I IM her she ignores me… ME?!?!?!?!?!? Fat cow!

A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER

*Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.*

And just like that, you’re already a little smarter than you were 3 seconds ago!

Hyatte LIVES to inform.

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO FLEA

Whenever we talk, I can always count on Flea to give his opinions on just about anything. And those opinions are usually extremely fascinating to listen to. It also allows me to go to the toilet or something while he lectures on.

So, I decided to grab a pen and paper and start jotting down his thoughts. Everyone likes Flea.

The following is 100% true… more or less:

WHERE DOES FLEA STAND ON”¦

“¦The O.C.?

Who? What’s that?

Flea: As always, on the CUSP of pop-culture

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing. Thus, I give you this ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Fucktard, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Fusion too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

Because Zack Gowen says so:

Caught Raw is War on Monday. Fuck the haters, Triple H is the f*cking man. He’s the best in the world right now. His promos, work, presence, etc. are ALL top notch.

And you KNOW how hard it is to win over the picky vote of the one-legged freakshow wannabe-rassler demo

THIS HAS BEEN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU” STARRING TRIPLE H! WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED….

Then again… if Zack Gowen likes you… yeah, you just may actually SUCK!

Dear God! TRIPLE H ISN’T BETTER THAN ANY OF US!!!

He ain’t much of an actor either…

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

Keep them coming. I still need submissions… but thanks to those who pitched in.

I’m gonna be honest here… I’ve cobbled together a KICK ASS line-up this week… some classic, some almost recent, and a couple’ve assholes I’ve never heard of. Good, good, GOOD shit this week… have at it, fags!

01): I remember the first time I took a bump. I thought, “This is not what a nice little Jewish guy like me should be doing.”– Robbie Ellis

02): I got an idea for you. Why don’t you try to convince Diamond Dallas Page to have a sex change, so he has the balls to come and face me. Ric Flair, you’ve been in this business a long time, and you’ve seen a lot of white trash and a lot of jabronis. So when Diamond Dallas Page comes out here and says “self high five”, do your job and send him to the bush leagues where he belongs. When he comes down and says “badda boom, badda bing, badda bang”, I don’t even know what the hell that means. Send him back down to the bush leagues because he proved he can take someone out of the trailer park, but he’ll always be white trash. So, Ric Flair, I’m on my knees begging you. Make Diamond Dallas Page my next opponent. So get your ass out here, and tell me he is.– Scott Steiner: Nitro ’00

03): He might’ve spent a couple years under the arena training young wrestlers…– Roddy Piper on the Warlord

4) Mae Young is so old that when David killed Goliath, she was the one who called the cops!– Jerry Lawler

05): The kids around here … ask you stupid questions. “Have you ever wrestled Steve Austin?” “Uh, I don’t think he was born when I was wrestling.”– Vic Orlandino

06): She’s a foot taller than you!– Michael Cole talking about Shaniqua, to Tazz

Who isn’t?– Tazz’s response

07): Jeffery Hardy is not looking good tonight. Want me to come down for your King of the Ring match?

No. Come on, this one is so in the bag. I’m totally qualified. I mean, for you to come down there tonight would be unfair, would be unnecessary, and totally unethical.

So you want me to come down there?

Yeah I want you to come down. Let’s go.

Cool.– Edge and Christian

08): Steamboat is in great shape!– Tony Schiavone

That’s not what Missy Hyatt told me. But… uh… I can’t talk about that on the air.– Larry Zbyszko: WCW TV ’93

09): WHY IS HE WEARING THOSE GLOVES???– Heenan, concerning the Undertaker

(Long Pause)

Maybe he likes to wear gloves?– Gorilla Monsoon

10): We will see you in November for more Saturday Night’s Main Event!

Wait a minute McMachon, you mean I got to spend another holiday with you?

What’s wrong with that?

UGH!!– Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura: Saturday Night’s Main Event ’88

11): The Big Show is a big ass and I do not like, nor do I appreciate big asses. Speaking of big asses, my opponent tonight is Rikishi. Maybe if Rikishi’s parents would have practiced abstinence, we wouldn’t be exposed to that awful repulsive rectum that he carries with him today.– Kurt Angle

12): I was married seven times, and I was stupid enough to marry one of them twice!– Ed “Strangler” Lewis

13): The thing about wrestling Ricky Ataki is that you beat him up, and then an hour later you want to beat him up again. – Bobby Heenan

14): I see Sandy Barr got himself a $4 haircut…$1 for each side.– Scotty the Body Anthony

15): I find it strange that someone with the word ‘Book’ in his name has apparently never read one.– Edge to Booker T

Ahhhh sweet stuff…

Yes, the man actually said “$”… NOT “dollars”… he actually twisted his mouth and a $ flew out… TWICE!!

Talent, yo.

And finally…

THINGS ROB FEINSTEIN SAYS THAT SOUND HOMOSEXUAL

Noted, yet not charged pedofiliac, Rob Feinstein has a Live Journal blog where he continues to report at just how WONDERFUL his life is… and the silly queen is too busy greasing up his bungpit to invest in a spellchecker…. or a decent thesaurus

So he makes these posts… and in reality, they are completely harmless and innocent…. but since it’s Rob Feinstein we’re talking about here… everything he says is suspect…

So here are a few things he’s posted recently that make him look poofier than Michael Cole in the hamster section of a pet store:

A quick thank you to the staff

I told her my friend was still sleeping and he was hard to wake up

We went to the Walmart Pet section

call me immature but hey I know how to have a good time.

I cant even go near Doug’s room as she guards it.

I ran into Gary Hart who is actually a big dude

I got another huge shoot this week coming up that we are just holding on to for a rainy day.

So I started to pound the bed with my fist and I jumped knee first from one bed to the other

It was way to(o) short.

This time we had a new victim that we took along for the ride.

I went to the gym late tonight and the guy at the juice bar gave me some pill that gives u energy.

MM MM MM is what I say when all you got is canned ravoli.

“Canned ravioli”???

This bitch is GUILTIER THAN OJ!!!!!

Canned ravioli…

MM MM MM…

Jesus Mary Mother…

I think we’ve all had had enough… don’t you? I agree… yes.

Next week… nnnnope… I won’t be around… I’ll be doing some last minute Christmas shopping! That’s right! I’ll be shopping for ME… I’ll be buying ME stuff… ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.

And maybe something for Trish Stratus…. anyone have her address? Or do I just drive around Toronto until I get lucky? It’s a small town, right??

Adios, ya little dinkwads!

This is Hyatte