Oh, and the stress of coming up for a lead for this thing strikes again, and it’s only two minutes to Raw as I type this. You see, if I’m stuck for a lead, I end up writing everything else first, then come back to this. It’s at that point when I usually troll the news sites to see if something interesting pops up, but when all you have is Scott Peterson being recommended for Ol’ Sparky, you get stuck. That’s when you just have to cut ties and get on with it. I don’t even feel like bitching about how my knees have been killing me the past couple of days for no discernable reason, and no one’s put up Armageddon anywhere on the Net that’s reasonably accessible (a sign of good taste for once). So let’s just move on…
THE PIMP SECTION
They allowed Lucard back into the country for some reason.
Hevia wants a monkey. Give him one for contributing good columns every week.
Hatton drifts a few zones over and contributes some PPV commentary.
Morrison tells Mark Millar to go f*ck himself.
Porter won’t admit that Arsenal got f*cked in the match against Chelsea.
THE ANTI-SPYWARE SECTION
Remember, this all started because the slugs at Enigma Software dared to advertise their piece of shit SpyHunter at 411 (one of the reasons why I decided to leave, honestly). So I’m responding every single column with proper anti-spyware information. And guess what? People are actually taking this to heart. They’re asking me for help if they’re infested, or they’re writing me telling me that their browsing experience is less annoying thanks to the stuff I’ve been putting up here three times a week for a few months now.
(And as I understand it, there are some unscrupulous browser toolbar people trying to advertise here at the Pulse. Well, don’t click on that ad, whatever you do. We’ll still get the money from the impressions, and your system will stay safe.)
Big, big Kudos to the guys at the Spyware Warrior Forum for pointing out to everyone the extent of criminal activity participated in by Enigma Software, makers of the bane of advertising on that site, SpyHunter. Slimeballs extraordinare, aren’t they? And in case you need more info about what flaming bags of shit they are, try here. Suzi’s Blog has a great list of other flaming bags of shit that promote anti-spyware programs that are spyware themselves. Consult it if you have questions.
(On a side note, those SpyHunter ads started over at Reality News Online, and BFM, a contributor there, spotted them. He told the webmaster, gave him those links that I cited above, the webmaster read them, the blood drained out of his face, and he contacted his ad provider. No more ads for Enigma products on RNO, thank you. So guess what? If you provide the info, there are sites who will listen.)
One of the leading vectors for spyware is so-called free programs that contain this shit in order to “pay the bills”. No one deserves that kind of treatment. If you’ve got a question about whether or not a certain program contains spyware, head over here. It’s a nice alphabetized list of programs that do contain spyware and should be avoided at all costs.
Here’s a list of the programs you really need to help you get rid of menaces, and, more importantly, prevent them from occurring in the first place:
Spybot and AdAware. The ONLY two spyware removal tools to trust. Do NOT buy any spyware removal tools, because none of them work better than these two, and all of them except these two are suspect.
SpywareBlaster. Will nuke thousands of different potentially malicious ActiveX controls, and now has the ability to prevent a number of non-ActiveX methods of installing spyware for people who use Mozilla/Firefox.
SpywareGuard. From Javacool, like SpywareBlaster. It’s a real-time scanner for spyware. A decent first line of defense.
IE-SpyAd. Throws numerous ad-related URLs into IE’s Restricted Zone, where they won’t display or affect your system. Bookmark this one, since it’s the only one that doesn’t have an in-program update.
A few people have recommended also installing the Sun Java Virtual Machine, since it’s Windows’ buggy, half-assed implementation of the JVM that allows a lot of spyware to install (less so within the past month and a half than before). I STRONGLY recommend that you visit here and update your version of Java.
So many people have asked about a free anti-virus program that I’m also going to recommend AVG. Totally free, and works really, really well, as well as commercial anti-virus programs. Frequent database updates, good heuristic detection, everything you want in an anti-virus package.
Another program that I’d like to add here is a little tough to work with for noobs if it goes buggy (you need to know a little something about your Networking settings in order to debug if something should go wrong). Protowall is a supplement to your firewall or NAT system. It hooks directly into XP’s networking system to block any and all traffic that comes from URLs on a list maintained by the program (all protocols, not just TCP/UDP). It’s mainly designed for anti-P2P purposes (which will appeal to a great many of my readers), but it contains lists to block spyware and ads. Its blocklist can easily be updated using its supplementary program, Blocklist Manager. I have Protowall running and a Blocklist Manager icon on my desktop, and I use Blocklist Manager to update the blocklist every couple of days. You will have problems getting to some sites unless you shut down Protowall temporarily, like ESPN or Sports Illustrated, but it does have a tray icon you can right-click and shut down in a few seconds. It’s the third layer of anti-ad material for me, with IE-SpyAd and AdSubtract running alongside it. Warning, though: it only works with XP. I’d recommend its predecessor, Peer Guardian, for other MS OSes, but it isn’t being developed anymore, and there were still bugs in it when development stopped. You can get Protowall and the Blocklist Manager (which will also work with Peer Guardian) at Bluetack’s site.
Of course, only download them from the links provided above. And only download those programs; don’t fall for the ads that are shown at various websites.
With AdAware and Spybot, check for updates using their internal update function at least once a week. Run them at least once a week or whenever you think you might have problems. Remember, the new version of Spybot has browser protection capabilities, so have that run at startup and leave it running. Check for updates to SpywareBlaster once a week. It only needs to be run once initially in order to establish protection. Then, after it downloads updates, just click on the line that says “Enable Protection For All Unprotected Items” and kill it. It doesn’t need to be active. For IE-SpyAd, bookmark the site and check for updates twice a week, since it has no kind of internal updater. Since all it does is add Registry entries, it doesn’t eat up anything. Run the Blocklist Manager every couple of days to make sure that you keep up on the latest banned URLs.
If you’re having trouble with spyware or a browser hijacker, or think that you do, head over to the SpywareInfo Forums, where the pros there can help you diagnose and get rid of stuff. I was promoted to Full Helper status there and ended up joining ASAP, the Alliance of Security Analysis Professionals. Look for their symbol.
The Ravin’ Cajun asks me to recommend a good client-side spam filter for MS mail programs running under Windows. Now, this is something I don’t have experience with because my ISPs have always had good spam filtering, plus, I use Thunderbird, which handles the remainder quite nicely, thank you. Some readers wrote in and recommended SpamBayes, which is totally free and supposedly works very well, so I’ll add it on to the anti-annoyance list that we’re building up here.
Now that 1.0 has been released, I feel good in recommending Firefox as an alternative to IE. Go grab a copy and see what you’re missing.
A PAIN IN THE NUTS AND NECK
As reported everywhere, Jesus was competing with a strained groin at Armageddon. Well, that isn’t all. According to his official website, he also has a herniated disk in his neck that may require surgery. He’s waiting on a second opinion right now before deciding whether to go under the knife or not. If he decides to do it, the chop-chop will take place next week while the SD crew is over in Iraq. From previous surgeries of the type, he’ll probably be out around three months or so. Well, here’s to a quick recovery, because Christ knows that Carly can’t draw any heat alone.
AW, TOO BAD
Mitsuhara Misawa said no to Joel Maximo for his “supercard” FUSION promotion debut in Noo Joisey on Friday. According to Big Johnson over at 1bullshit Junior, “Maximo blamed the loss of Misawa…on a communications issue with the Japanese, stating that at some point, there was an attempt by someone to cancel their flights from Tokyo.” Pardon me while I roll across the floor and laugh my ass off at that one. His place, though, will be taken by Ultimo Dragon, who’s trying to get some indie dates in to get the ring rust off before coming back to WWE. Dragon will be teaming up with Amazing Red to face the Maximos in tag action.
Look, let’s face facts. If you were an icon on the level of Misawa, would you want to be on some no-name indy card in Noo Joisey, of all places? And be appearing on the same bill with, among others, Scott Hall, Sean Waltman, and Justin Credible? Personally, I’d rather rip my nuts off and play hacky sack with them than be in the same room with those three for an extended period of time. Although considering the rest of the card, it might be worth the experience to be a fly on the wall. I can imagine the conversation between Tommy Dreamer and Sean O’Haire, culminating in a very drunk O’Haire throwing a drink in Dreamer’s face while telling him to relay a short message back to Vince, namely “Go f*ck yourself”. Then I’d buzz over and see exactly what Juventud Guerrera was telling Ron Killings in re his true feelings about Jeff Jarrett. And it’d be fun to participate in that game for all the family, “How Much Coke Did Waltman Bring This Time?”, and to watch him and Hall snort up the hotel furniture…
…hmmmm, how this makes any difference from your normal day in Joisey escapes my mind at this moment. Well, screw it.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE SABU BENEFIT SHOW?
Fuck Sabu. Although the crowd chanting “Johnny Polo” at Raven was truly cool.
And f*ck Raw while you’re at it. But I’m still going to cover it…
THE SHORT FORM
Being a native of the state where this episode of Raw is taking place, I’m not surprised Eugene was the most popular wrestler. – James Lawson
Match Results:
Randy Orton over Edge (Pinfall, RKO): A moderately hot opener, I must admit. Good example of the “WWE Main Event” style, which are few and far between. I do have to comment on this, though: Randy Orton has improved his selling noticeably lately. He’s becoming more well-rounded with each passing week. Now he’s just got to get rid of his dorkiness. I recommend a beard. And I don’t mean Christy Hemme.
Trip ‘n DAVE over Chrises Benoit and Jericho (Pinfall, Batista pins Benoit, DAVEbomb): Pretty good when Trip and Benoit were in together, notso-hotso when they weren’t. That got me to thinking: transplant the Trip of 2000 to today, when he still gave a rat’s ass about wrestling a good match, but give him the experience of the Trip of 2004 in working with Benoit. They’d blast five-snoflakers all over the world every night. It’d be the modern-day Flair-Steamboat.
Now, there’s been some discussion about predictions in our super-secret writers’ forum. A lot of people are picking Batista to be the breakout star of 2005, but I’m still torn on this. The face turn that he requires to be so is coming soon, obviously, but the guy needs to pick up a few wrestling moves along the way. He can’t just stay a big lummox and be a breakout star. Shit, even UT and Kane break out some wrestling moves now and then. I’ll be happy to give him a little time to do so, but not much.
Christian, Maven, and The Man Whose Name I Cannot Mention Due To Conflict-Of-Interest Laws Tomko over Mister Regal, Mister Benjamin, and Mister Retard (Pinfall, Maven pins Benjamin, rollup): And since the audience’s dignity wasn’t raped enough by that abominable Foley/Hassan mess, we have this to complete the job. A camera-time-for-the-boys match focusing on the retard. Yeah, that’s got me jumping for joy. And speaking of the rape of one’s dignity, last week, Christian had to dress in superhero drag. This week, he debuts his new ring attire, and he looks like Brian Boitano on a particularly bad day. Please, call someone with some taste to guide Christian back to a semblance of normality in dress.
Angle Developments:
Will Miracles Never Cease?: Lita actually cut a coherent promo that didn’t make her sound like a total airhead? And it sure sounds like Kane is going to get the Nash Blowjob Push at Royal Rumble again when he comes back from his movie shoot. Gee, all’s right with the world, huh?
Cynicism Island: They knew Mohammed Hassan as a heel would be a hard sell, so they brought in Foley to help. Okay, I can see that, but then they gave Hassan the world’s stupidest argument to bolster his case. Yes, the war is unjust and immoral, like anything the Junta has done. However, how is it unjust and immoral toward Arab-Americans? I’d say the injustice and immorality comes from the knee-jerk patriots and bigots all over this country who think that one towelhead is the same as another. I’d reserve my anger for those people and for the Junta that promoted the Patriot Act and the Department of Homeland Fascism and the Terror Alert Scale and the asinine airport security that caused me to almost end up driving ten hours to Chicago instead of catching a flight because I detest the inconvenience (I’m still flying, though, because it’s f*cking cheaper than driving with gas prices the way they are). Extending that anger to the troops, and then using that wonderful word “infidel”* in the process, verifies the worst fears we’ve had about Hassan ever since he was announced as coming in: that Vince was going to use this to appeal to knee-jerk patriotism again instead of promoting the tolerance and diversity that really make America what it is. And using Foley as the mouthpiece to project that knee-jerk patriotism is a disservice to him. Neither of them deserve it.
* – Does this mean that Hassan is a Shi’ite? There are some Shi’a holy sites in Iraq, in which case “infidel” is actually justified. But the distinction between Muslim sects as per Hassan wasn’t made. Simplification yet again, and another bit of appeal toward the “a towelhead is a towelhead” audience. Well, Vince never lost money going after the morons in the audience.
Chamber Of Whorehouse: Okay, Elimination Chamber for the title, with all of the usual suspects (and Batista). No surprise there; a lot of people predicted this as a possibility. However, they did end up disrespecting one person in this whole brouhaha: Shelton Benjamin. He’s IC champ. Remember what that used to mean? This just displays the complete ghettoization of the midcard. If he ends up facing Christian again for the IC strap, I’m going to vomit.
And this puppy closeth on that note. Tomorrow, I promise, I PROMISE I will get something together. Hopefully, it’s my head, enough so that I can come up with some scribbles of interest. Until then, drink yourselves into a coma.
