Although the winner of Survivor: Vanuatu has already been declared (congrats, Chris), I’d like to devote this entire column to the second to last episode and pour out my feelings about the finale next week. There was enough cooking at camp and on Mount Yasur to ponder for the time being (and yes, I’m feeling a little lazy and suffering a case of post-season depression).
First of all, Twila’s behavior after the gang voted off Ami and returned to camp was absolutely appalling. I predicted that her mouth had just landed her on the jury in fifth or fourth place at the very best. Cursing at people and talking to them like they’re coated in poo is something that should be reserved for child molesters, terrorists, Yanni concert ticket holders, and Bush supporters. Now, I have no solid evidence that Julie and Eliza lie outside these groups, but they seem intelligent and reasonable enough to warrant the benefit of the doubt on this matter. Once Twila started running her mouth, I knew she was in serious trouble with those two. Conveniently, however, her trash talking didn’t seem to offend Scout and Chris in the least and they were the only two people in the game she needed to avoid irking.
Scout easily found annoyance in another area of the game: the challenges. Never before has there been a player on this show so physically inept. Not that Scout lacks the chutzpah to complete a challenge; she simply doesn’t possess the physical ability to even make a fair showing. At first, I felt embarrassed and sorry for her as she hobbled away from the starting lines of several challenges, but after a while, I realized the fact that she was still in the game displayed a quality far more valuable than speed or strength. Some may see Scout as a first-rate coattail rider, but I believe she stayed around because of the respect she harvested from the other players. Her presence with typically positive (although Eliza would sing a very different tune on that issue) and she posed absolutely no threat at the physical challenges. Now, it’s hard for me to believe that Scout, who holds a doctorate, was not holding back mentally at some of the challenges as well, but I could never tell if her seemingly dumb sweetness was a clever ploy or just the genuine article.
Twila’s stupidity, on the other hand, was completely sincere. She looked about ready to slit her wrists after losing the reward challenge to Julie and her antics back at camp with Eliza regarding the buried bananas were among the most childish I’ve ever seen on Survivor. They reminded me of Sandra’s plan to sabotage the whole camp on Pearl Islands because she continually thought she was being voted off next. Now, Sandra expressed her anger by dumping over buckets of fish, but since the Alinta tribe didn’t appear to have any fishing skills, conniving wenches like Twila had to resort to hoarding fruit. Scout only rubbed salt into Eliza’s wounds by siding with Twila and cackling in the nastiest way imaginable when the Little One got P.O.’d. If I’d been Eliza, I would have totally hacked off their hair while they slept that night.
Of course, the people remaining in the game with the best hair were off enjoying a reward at Mount Yasur, so Eliza’s vengeful efforts probably would have been lost on her camping comrades. Julie worked Chris as best she could, but it just wasn’t enough. There was no way Chris was going to waver on his promise to Scout and Twila because they were too easy to beat in the final immunity challenge and then in the final two. Eliza would have made a strong case for second place as well, but siding with her and Julie would have put Chris in hot water with the older women. I can’t blame him for avoiding the wrath of Twila. And he would have been in trouble squaring off against Julie against the jury, so getting rid of her was probably the smartest thing he could have done. I say this all fully knowing he won, but I thought it before watching the finale, too. I knew he would betray Eliza and Julie.
But this was all Eliza’s fault. She had to go and win the car, which doomed her to second place at the very best. And Julie should have known better than to eat four hot dogs in a sitting. Doesn’t she know what they put in those things?
